Connie Britton, U.N. Ambassador (Or: “OMG YES”)

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I found out a couple weeks ago that Connie Britton is going to be a United Nations goodwill ambassador.

For once, yes. If anyone is going to be the one American on a list of 10 celebrity UN goodwill ambassadors from around the world, there is no one better than Connie Britton. A person representing us on a global stage we can actually be proud of. Not Dennis Rodman, self-proclaimed ambassador to North Korea aka Kim Jong Un’s new BFF. Connie Britton. Connie “The most beautiful hair on the planet can I please touch it just once” Britton. THE Tami Taylor. Mrs. Coach.

I, for one, fully support this. I’d like to request that she speak in a southern accent when she does so, because it throws me off when I hear her use her boring REGULAR accent, but y’know, I guess she can do whatever she feels is right for the nations. Maybe just call people “y’all” every once in a while is all I’m saying. They’ll be putty in your hands.

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In Memoriam: Gwyneth and Chris

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You guys, I come to you with a heavy heart today.

Two of our own have called it quits. (By “our own” I mean celebrities we lay claim to, of course.)

One Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Martin have decided to go their separate ways. That’s right, Gwis (Chwyneth?) is no more.*

I, for one, am shocked.

Well, okay, not completely shocked. They are celebrities. But they were some of the last remaining celebrities married for over 10 years (according to my sources, which, in this case is solely my memory). Is nothing sacred?

What about APPLE, you guys? Did anyone ever think of her? First, her parents name her Apple and somehow legitimize all this nonsense celebrity baby naming, now this? Life is not going so great for ol’ Apple. How will her friends ever get backstage passes to Coldplay concerts again? What will Suri’s Burn Book say? What will people whisper when she has relationship troubles in the future? “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree?” (THANK YOU I’M HERE ALL NIGHT YOU’RE A GREAT AUDIENCE)

Gwyneth must have done this. I’m not sure how. I’m not sure when. Maybe when she started a website called Goop and Chris had no choice but to roll his eyes. Maybe when she decided to go on Glee and Chris once again had no choice but to make fun of her. She brought this on Apple and little Moses by provoking Chris to cause tension in her marriage. Probably. I don’t really know, but it just seems like something she would do. I may have been influenced by pop culture telling me to hate Gwyneth Paltrow. I can’t be certain. (What I am certain about is that I will never spell her name right on the first try.)

I am genuinely disappointed though. Don’t they know we have a stake in this? Why would they do this to us? Shouldn’t we have a vote? When the remaining hope of lasting celebrity marriages rests on your shoulders, you can’t just call it quits without holding a referendum. Or at least a Facebook poll. You need to know where your constituents stand before you just go around making rash decisions.

Anyway, I guess all I have to say is, Godspeed, dear Apple. May you avoid those worms and, unlike your parents, find someone to make you the perfect pear. (Like…pair…get it? I slay me.) I will be waiting for your tell-all book.

And Beyonce and Jay Z, don’t you dare even think about it.

Are you sad about the breakup? Which celebrity couple do you want to make it the long haul? 

SIDE NOTE: I just realized their daughter’s name is Apple Martin. If you add but one letter it becomes Apple Martini. I’m sure there’s a joke in there but come on, guys, I can’t do all the work.

*The fact that they don’t have a feasible celebrity couple name is also Gwyneth’s fault.

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Calm Down, Lady Gaga.

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Lady Gaga was at SXSW last weekend, and apparently went on some kind of angsty tirade about how she’d rather quit music than conform to the industry’s standards of beauty and blah blah blah. She goes on to say that she doesn’t want to be compared to Katy Perry and doesn’t get what the [bleep] Katy has to do with her and that their music couldn’t be more different.

Listen, Lady Gaga.

Can we just slow your roll for a minute?

You’ve had your turn. Really, it’s been fun. You’ve had your meat dress; you’ve had your public “hangings” and your political statements. We humored you that one time you dressed up like a man dating yourself and both attended an award show AND accepted an award on your own behalf as that persona.

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Excuses (And Links to Things I HAVE Been Writing)

I realize I have been slacking around here.

It’s not you, it’s me. Really.

And probably the fact that I started watching Veronica Mars and can’t seem to go a lunch break without watching an episode.

So in order to provide proper justification for my whereabouts lately, as I’m sure you were demanding, here are some things I have been writing.

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Who I Wanted Shia LaBeouf to Be

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I watched Even Stevens pretty avidly, probably long after I should’ve stopped. Then again, I still watch Disney Channel every now and then, but it feels kind of like going back to my high school and realizing I know none of the kids there anymore.

I thoroughly enjoyed that show. If it was on Netflix, I’d still be watching it. (NOTE TO SELF: Kickstarter to get Even Stevens on Netflix) I thought it was clever, funny, and Shia LaBeouf had good comedic instincts. I mean, come on. They once had a musical episode, and the Even Stevens movie premise was that they were on a reality show and didn’t know it and TIM MEADOWS and DAVE COULIER were hosts of competing shows. So great.

When it ended, I thought, I really hope he gets to keep acting–he’s got potential as a comedic actor. And, shockingly for a male Disney Channel star who didn’t sing, he did get some legitimate work. I kept waiting for him to switch to comedy. Ok, he did Transformers, he’ll probably try comedy. [Eagle Eye comes out] Okay NOW he’ll try comedy. [Transformers 2 comes out] Ok for reals this time, he’ll try comedy…

But he never did. And now, he’s this:

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Dancing (or: “That One Time I Was A Flapper”)

Again I apologize if there is still spam in my feed. I am in the process of getting it fixed…hold tight! (If you’re getting this in your e-mail, unsubscribe at the bottom of the e-mail, then resubscribe via the box on my site. It’s a new subscription service.)

I’ve never been a dancer. Though it seemed every other girl in my elementary school was taking lessons and using their old costumes for halloween or dress-up, it just wasn’t in my line of vision. Most girls I knew who took dance started when they were like 2 years old. I moved to Alabama when I was six, so needless to say I’d missed the boat on that. Before I even realized how much of a Thing it was, I’d already just kind of assumed and accepted that it wasn’t my thing. No one ever told me I couldn’t. If I had wanted to take dance lessons, I’m sure I could have. But I had never done it, and didn’t really want to join in now. If you haven’t picked up on this yet, new things aren’t really my jam. Plus, starting at a young age I had a nonconformist streak in me, which is really just pride and made-up rules, I think. But that’s a story for another day.

So I’ve always just thought I couldn’t dance. Or, at least, didn’t dance. My only exposure to it in my actual life was watching other girls back up against a guy and sort of bounce up and down (“grind,” as the kids would say) to a Lil Jon song at school dances. And I wasn’t about to do that. Besides, I’m not really sure if that can be considered dancing.

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My Facebook Looks Terrible And Yours Doesn’t

I don’t like change. It’s no big secret. I’m trying to learn how to not be so afraid of it, but it takes time, you know? DON’T RUSH ME.

Needless to say, even though it is inevitable, I am always grumpy when Facebook decides to change its layout once again. I have, for the most part, ceased complaining (publicly), because after all, it is free, and they’re going to change it whether we like it or not. We’ll all complain for a couple weeks, then move on. After a day I rarely remember what it looked like before anyway.

So several months ago, this happened to me again. Of course, I hated it, but I had no recourse. What’s done was done.

Assuming everyone had the same problem as me, I may have complained once or twice, but accepted my fate.

Soon I began noticing my friends’ Facebook interfaces were not the same as mine. Hm, weird, I thought. But I figured they would get it soon enough and be in misery just like me.

The days soon turned into weeks, the weeks turned into months. Still, I seemed to be the only one whose Facebook looked like this:

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Merry Christmas from the McClellans!

McClellan Christmas Card Draft 2

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If You Don’t “Feel” Christmas This Year

“So completely are we carried away by the excitement of this midwinter festival that we are apt to forget that its romantic appeal is the least significant thing about it. …It does seem strange that so many persons become excited about Christmas and so few stop to inquire into its meaning; but I suppose this odd phenomenon is quite in harmony with our unfortunate human habit of magnifying trivialities and ignoring matters of greatest import.”

- A.W. Tozer

There’s an expectation that surrounds Christmas of how we are supposed to feel. The lights, the music, the smells—it’s supposed to be magical. Our hearts should feel light and we should be filled with childlike wonder and excitement. For me, sometimes, I fight to get there. If I don’t feel whimsical and filled with joy when I hear “All I Want For Christmas Is You” or see a Christmas tree lit up, I feel like I am missing something.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling that childlike wonder. It’s a fun part of the holiday. But what if that’s not what Christmas is? What if it’s not so much about how we feel but about the magnitude of what happened that night so long ago.

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Kate Middleton’s VERY SERIOUS Hairdresser Drama

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You guys, we need to talk about something serious.

I don’t know if you’ve heard (I hadn’t), but there are some traumatic things happening in the world of our royals. Well, okay, not our royals. We basically gave them the finger and said “deuces” about 200 years ago. But the royals about whom we decided, out of the goodness of our hearts and propensity for making a big deal out of stuff, to put the painful past of the tyrant King George behind us and adopt as our own.

Are you ready for this? Okay. Kate Middleton is having hairdresser drama.

I know. I KNOW. What did she do to deserve this?

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