My fellow Americans, I don’t know how to tell you this. There’s no combination of words that would make this news easier to swallow, so I’m just going to have to lay it out there.
The United States of America is under attack.
By whom, you may ask?
Giant, creepy, African snails are currently slithering their way across backyards in Florida (because OF COURSE it’s Florida) until they have their way and eat all our oranges.