Unsolicited Commentary from a Nashvillian Word-Lover
My fellow Americans, I don’t know how to tell you this. There’s no combination of words that would make this news easier to swallow, so I’m just going to have to lay it out there.
The United States of America is under attack.
By whom, you may ask?
Giant snails.
Giant, creepy, African snails are currently slithering their way across backyards in Florida (because OF COURSE it’s Florida) until they have their way and eat all our oranges.
Guys, I know we don’t really talk pain around here very often. I’d much rather ramble on about space tortillas and Ke$ha’s hidden talents than spill my guts to you, because let’s face it, that’s more fun for everyone.
But today I’m going to go out on a limb and share a painful memory from my adolescence. I have silently lived in the shadow of its shame for far too long–even managed to conceal it from most people I know.
I will share it in the hopes that one day–maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow–but one day, it might bring some teenager hope that they are not the only one.
Because let me tell you, in my situation, I WAS THE ONLY ONE. I’m pretty sure.
This is the story of the time I failed my driver’s test.
Outer space is fascinating. It’s one of those concepts that sounds insane for it to even exist–like it’s just this fun story to tell kids and make sweet dioramas about but not a real thing. Kind of like dinosaurs. (Those things were REAL you guys. I can’t be the only one who thinks that is strange.)
This is mostly because of my own self-absorbed hyper focus on what is happening in my tiny corner of one tiny continent on one tiny planet in the universe. I rarely think about space.
But it’s there. Things exist outside our planet. It’s hard to believe sometimes those planets and stars and various arrays of space-rocks in the photos are actually real and that people have seen them. You guys, people have WALKED on the MOON. Why are we not more impressed by this on a daily basis? We should just walk around going “YOU GUYS THERE IS AN AMERICAN FLAG ON A BALL OF ROCK FLOATING IN THE BLACK NOTHINGNESS MILLIONS OF MILES FROM OUR PLANET” like all the time.
I mean people voluntarily LEAVE our PLANET and just float around amid balls of gas and nothingness…for science! And that’s really it. No other reason than just to know things. Space is awesome.
All that to say, if you haven’t heard, there is a fellow out on the International Space Station right now* who has been filming the greatest youtube videos of all time. His name is Chris Hadfield. He’s Canadian (what up) and is doing all sorts of fun show-and-tell videos about what it’s like to live in space.
Workin’ it on the first day of school
It’s time for another exciting episode of Tales from a 3rd Grade Journal (Journal…Journal…)! The only blog series that provides you with profound insight into the mind of an eight year old in small town Alabama in the 90′s. [read the past two volumes here: Vol. 1 Vol. 2]
This week’s featured entries include some thrilling life milestones like puppies and hugging football players along with a rare glimpse into the heart of a bitter feud between friends. Let’s dive in.
LOL remember when she looked this normal?
Once upon a time, there was a bright, young, up-and-coming singer named Stefani Germanotta–known to most by her stage name, Lady Gaga.
The young woman burst onto the music scene, first appearing in an episode of The Hills before taking the world by storm just a few months later.
Her first hit, “Just Dance,” though ridiculous, had an addictive melody and synth composition. Resistance was, as I learned, futile.
Soon she became known for more than just her music; her outlandish outfits came to be expected and even anticipated by audiences across the globe. To us, they were watercooler fodder. To her, statements on society.
Either way, no matter how larger-than-life her persona became, most people were still on board. It’s all a part of her image. It’s performance art. It’s a character. Whatever you wanted to call it, it was working.
Lady Gaga cranked out hit after hit off her debut album. You couldn’t go anywhere without hearing “Poker Face” or “Bad Romance.” Plus, this is when people still kind of liked Glee, so we heard about 900 versions of any given Gaga song.
Yesterday whilst perusing the Internet, I was minding my own business when I noticed an article titled “How Ke$ha Writes Songs.”
Naturally I had to click on it. Does she use word magnets? Draw words out of a hat? Rip pages out of transcripts from shamed public figures and books by Chelsea Handler? I had to know.
What I found, I never expected. Even from Ke$ha.
It was an interview with Conan in which she kindly explains she uses her breasts to play the piano.
Let’s just forget for a minute how purposefully provocative this is and focus on how completely illogical it is.
Oh, Middle East. You never cease to amaze us with your level of crazy.
Some guys apparently strolled over from the fancy pants United Arab Emirates for some festival all glowing with handsomeness and some authorities like radioed over their walkie talkies CHHHH we got a Code Gosling over here, repeat, Code Gosling over CHHHH and they all convened around these guys and escorted them straight out the country because their handsomeness was a menace to society.
According to the article, the men were deemed “too handsome” because apparently Saudi women would just not be able to control themselves and would fall for these men and the entire structure of their social society would collapse because of it. Naturally, they had to go.
First of all I would be indignant if I were a Saudi man standing nearby.
“What am I, chopped liver? I’M RIGHT HERE. I mean seriously, those guys? My beard is twice the beard their beards will ever be. Just look at me. I radiate handsomeness and no one is kicking ME out of the country. I can’t believe I bought a new tunic for this. I’m going home to eat my feelings in baklava.”
In case you missed it on Friday, I had my podcast debut last week!
The nice people over at Xtra Bacon let me come on their podcast and talk about a potential FRIENDS reunion. (I KNOW I KNOW it’s not happening but…just…be cool, okay??)
It was so much fun to record. I love talking to other people who care an inordinate amount about TV like I do. Hopefully I will get to do another one sometime soon.
In this episode, we discuss who should play Emma, immortal monkeys, and how Ross is kind of the worst.
And if you want to subscribe to Xtra Bacon (which you totally should because they have lots of other great podcasts), just search “Xtra Bacon” on iTunes.
If you like it, please say nice things about it either on this page or on Twitter (mention @xbpod) or on Xtra Bacon’s site so that 1) my self-esteem will not plummet and 2) they won’t regret having me on.
Hope you enjoy!
This is the picture that should have accompanied my last post. I am wearing a hat from Marannook camp and at the Olympics. Cheering for Canada. Please don’t shun me. I love America.
It’s time for another exciting installment of…Tales from a 3rd Grade Journal*!
When we last left our protagonist, she had to go suddenly after telling us a riveting anecdote about getting to use mechanical pencils. What happened next? Let’s find out.
I had another post scheduled for today, but sometimes when something tragic happens you have to put everything else aside–yes, even 3rd grade journal entries–to engage in discussions about it. To try to make sense of it all and work through it with others. This is one of those times.
Usually this little blog of mine takes a humorous tone. Usually I highlight the absurdity of weird news stories or criticize celebrities for their insanity (which they totally deserve).
But not today.
No, today is about something serious.
Sunday I found out that Reese Witherspoon had been arrested for interfering with her husband’s DUI arrest.
^ Real live mugshot. Of Reese Witherspoon.
I know. Not only is it shocking, but it is disheartening.
This is not the Reese we know and love. This is not the Reese who accepted the 2011 MTV Generation Award*, proclaiming that it is possible to make it in hollywood as a “good girl.” This is not the Reese who starred in Sweet Home Alabama and Legally Blonde and other more serious movies I haven’t seen because I don’t watch serious movies.
I'm Laura.
I like to write.
I wear side ponytails.
And I now drink a totally
respectable amount of Diet Coke.
Bacon Is The New Black
Why Fiction Captures Me
An Amateur Analysis of Disney/Pixar’s “Brave”
Reality Shows We Would Actually Watch
Giant Snail Invasion [This Is Not A Drill]
Do we lose something important by using a Bible app?
A Peek Inside My Bachelor Bracket (Because I Made One)
Giant Snail Invasion [This Is Not A Drill]
A Lament About That One Time I Failed My Driver’s Test
Chris Hadfield, Space Hero
Tales from a 3rd Grade Journal: Vol. 3
The Legend of Lady Gaga (And also where the heck is she?)
Ke$ha’s Songwriting Method Defies Physics
My Podcast Debut (And It’s About FRIENDS, You Guys)
Tales from a 3rd (and 5th) Grade Journal – Vol. 2
Reese’s In Pieces Campaign – A Call to Action
© 2013 Laura McClellan. All Rights Reserved.
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