You know how lately you've been sitting on your tufted window seat day after day, peering through the rain-streaked window while you hold a warm cup of coffee in both hands and ponder to yourself, "what have the Backstreet Boys been up to these last few months?" Well, ponder no more, because I have come with the answers you seek.
Now that the dust has settled on that whole misguided NKOTBSB debacle, three primary bits of news have surfaced:
1. A.J. and his wife are having a baby! Never mind what kind of questions his son will ask when he sees the pictures of his father in the late 90's (or even 2012, as evidenced by the fact that he is still keeping the whole guy-liner dream alive). This is still a joyous occasion. Babies are cute. I'll go ahead and be honest, this is the most legitimate news I've got for you. It kind of just goes downhill from here. But no matter, I'll carry on.
2. Kevin is BACK! Oh, you didn't know he left? Well, he did. And he's BACK. I guess grown-up life after BSB wasn't working out for him. [SIDE NOTE: when are they going to change their name to Backstreet Men? I think when your oldest member is 40, you need to reevaluate.]
Can we just talk about the picture that went with this article for a second?
Look at Nick. Just look at him. He's wearing a bow tie (duh, because he's the fun-loving quirky one) and shooting a douchey look at the camera. Ugh. I used to love you, Nick Carter. What have you become? You're letting an entire generation down.
Brian is clearly giving Nick the Stink-eye Stare-down, like if he brought his 15-year-old brother to a cool college party and had to keep elbowing him and saying, "DUDE. BE COOL." Which is totally what I think he's muttering in this picture.
A.J. looks unmistakably uncomfortable in a suit, despite the ironic tank top he's wearing under it. He looks like he's trying to stay perfectly still so he doesn't mess it up. Or maybe he's hoping no one sees him.
And Howie...well, Howie looks like he knows something we don't know. Actually, he could be the mastermind behind this whole thing. We'd never even know or care because it's commonly accepted that Howie is irrefutably the #5 ranking in BSB at any given moment---even without Kevin. They just keep that #4 spot empty to ensure the appropriate amount of space between Howie and the other three.
Okay, back to the news.
3. Nick is making terrible cameos on terrible T.V. shows! Apparently Nick fancies himself an actor and is trying to get back into it (you read that correctly) after "touring like crazy" (see aforementioned NKOTBSB lapse in judgment). All he could get was a cameo in the currently-on-the-air version of 90210. And he's not even believable as himself, guys. Nick: If you can't be yourself on camera, how do you expect to be someone else? I suggest pulling a J.C. and going to judge a dance competition with Lil Mama. At least then you'd have to act like you knew something about dance. Which is kind of the same, right?
I have no idea what Brian is up to lately. Probably questioning his life choices. And Howie is apparently just laying low, riding on the coattails of his former success and the charisma of his bandmates. He probably decided to invest in his 401K when he was 22 and is now just sitting back and watching the cash roll in. You go, Howie D.
Who is your favorite Backstreet Man? Or, if you yourself are a man, the one you find least terrible? (Note: *Nsync members do not count as an appropriate answer in any way, shape or form. If you try to pull that, I will have to ask you to leave and come back to me later today with a 1000-word essay on why "I Want It That Way" is the best pop song of all time.)
I'll go first:
Mine's a toss-up between Nick and A.J. Despite Nick's lack of acting skills, he will always hold a special place in my heart. And my 11-year-old self would have none of it if I said otherwise. But there's just something about A.J.'s raspy runs on every BSB song ever recorded that I kind of like the best out of all the unnecessary runs in the land. Besides Beyonce. She owns unnecessary runs. But I digress.