Dear Psy,
I never thought I'd be corresponding with you. In fact, I thought you'd probably be gone by now, to be honest. Your song is 2013's Macarena. Everyone knows that. It has a dance and everything. Oh…you don't know what the Macarena is? It was this half-spanish song in the 90's that had a corresponding dance where you put your hands out one by one and then on your hips and…it's not important. Basically I am surprised your song has lasted as long as it has.
I'm not knocking you. I'm impressed, really. The fact that you managed to score a pistachio endorsement deal is beyond me. But hey, this is America, the land of opportunity. Those opportunities might require you to sell out and do some things to compromise your integrity, but they're there if you want them.
I write to you today with a somber heart, in response to some unfortunate news I stumbled upon about you. Again I am impressed with your ability to even stay in the news, but sometimes no news is good news, y'know? Or that might only apply to illnesses and not Korean pop stars hoping to have a career in American mainstream culture. But I digress.
It has recently come to my attention that you have a severe drinking problem.
Your statement bore a striking resemblence to the Bagel Bites theme song, and not in a good way:
"If I'm happy, I'm drinking, if I'm sad, I'm drinking. If it's raining, I'm drinking, if it's sunny, I'm drinking."
Ok it wasn't exactly, drinking in the morning, drinking in the evening, drinking at suppertime. But close.
It may have been the language barrier. Maybe you thought you were saying something like "breathing" or maybe you didn't know "drinking" implies "drinking alcohol" and really you're just trying to stay hydrated because you're not used to the heat in California.
But it doesn't look good, Psy.
Suddenly your nonsensical music and signature dance all makes sense. You were drunk the whole time! I can't believe we didn't realize it before.
You'll have to forgive us, though. We fell for it because often, in our culture, we have trouble distinguishing between American celebrities who are drunk and those who are just performing or chose to wear that on purpose. We don't know the difference, so good on you for capitalizing on that.
Psy, it can't go on. Your drinking may be what made you famous and allowed you to wear neon green and promote similarly colored nuts, but this will not end well.
If we've learned anything from your run as a popular icon it's that your constant drinking does not lead to the best life choices.
Sure, it gives people a reason to write off your behavior like, oh, he's just drunk again! That Psy. Always with the alcohol.
But someday it will not pay off. Someday the pistachio commercials and the meme tattoos will be just a memory and you'll be left with just a lifetime supply of nuts and a hole in your heart. And maybe keyboard cat. You must've met when you did those commercials, right? Or maybe in a meme support group? Can you introduce me to keyboard cat? I'll include my number just in case.
I mean yeah, stopping drinking probably won't further your career in the American music industry, because I think we're pretty much done here. But that doesn't mean I don't care--if only the minutest amount--about your well being and ability to go on gangnam-styling into the sunset with the ability to pass a sobriety test.
So why don't we just take a deep breath, check ourselves into rehab (but not the one that Lindsay Lohan keeps going to because obviously they are not good at their jobs), and get back out there, Psy. If not for us, for pistachios. And keyboard cat.
On a scale of 1 to "Can't Stop" by Miley Cyrus, how much do you hate "Gangnam Style?" Were any of you able to decipher that he was actually just drunk?