Calm Down, Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga was at SXSW last weekend, and apparently went on some kind of angsty tirade about how she'd rather quit music than conform to the industry's standards of beauty and blah blah blah. She goes on to say that she doesn't want to be compared to Katy Perry and doesn't get what the [bleep] Katy has to do with her and that their music couldn't be more different.

Listen, Lady Gaga.

Can we just slow your roll for a minute?

You've had your turn. Really, it's been fun. You've had your meat dress; you've had your public "hangings" and your political statements. We humored you that one time you dressed up like a man dating yourself and both attended an award show AND accepted an award on your own behalf as that persona.

So don't try to act like we're all trying to bring you down and judging you. Literally nothing you could do would shock us anymore. Trust me, it's not that.

I mean I liked "Poker Face" and "Bad Romance" as much as the next girl but, hate to break it to you, kid, maybe your songs just aren't quite as good anymore. It's not 2008. It's 2014.

And maybe now we like Katy Perry better, okay? Maybe you should hush your mouth about Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson because since when does wearing a cupcake bra make her more sexualized by the industry than you, who is nearly naked almost every time we see you? When you write a song as catchy as "Roar," you can talk to us about your problems with Katy Perry. YEAH I SAID IT. "Roar" is better than "Applause." Yup. That’s right; I'm controversial (if only a few months late).

SIDE NOTE: your songs could be more different than Katy Perry's. They could be like...instrumental soundscapes played with only PVC pipes. Or, y'know, death metal. But they aren’t. They are synth-driven pop songs. Just like Katy’s.

You also said that when people try to make you look pretty (are they? Is anyone really trying to tell you what you should look like at this point?), you just want to look ugly instead because you're rebellious. (For the record, when you say "I'm rebellious" I think that disqualifies you as being rebellious. Just like saying "I'm classy" or marketing something as "fashion jewelry." If you have to say it, it's probably not true.) Are we fourteen years old, here? Are we now making decisions JUST to be going against the perceived grain you think society is projecting on you? Ugh.

So let's just calm down with the rage rants, okay, Stefani? Lose the 'tude.

You wear all the coffee filter and trash bag dresses you want. You keep on doing you, wearing scary teeth and trying to make dreadlocks happen, making sub-par pop music and experimenting with using real blood on stage or whatever it is you do in your spare time. It's cool, really. I'm not saying you have to stop those things. I'm just saying don't act like the world is trying to oppress you and make you into this bubblegum pop star. We literally could not care less what you do with your life. But don't be surprised if we just stay over here where the a capella covers of "Let It Go" overflow like the land of milk and honey and I'm still listening to Taylor Swift's "22" on repeat.

P.S. Sorry if this was harsh. I just really like Katy Perry.

Who do you think is better, Katy Perry or Lady Gaga?

Katy Perry's New Album in 16 Sentences or More

The day had finally come.

I rushed to my local record store five minutes before it opened, drooling against the glass as they stocked the last one on the shelf.

When ol' Mr. Crenshaw—he’d owned the place as long as I could remember--finally opened the door, the bell jingled as I tore inside, going straight to the “P”s.

There she was, airbrushed makeup glowing amid pastel pink glory: Katy Perry - PRISM. I paid for it in paper money and change, walked out of the store and put it in my car stereo. It has cycled through about 80 times since I bought it.

Okay, that was all a lie. That was what would happen if this was 1998 and people bought CDs anymore. Real life is a lot less exciting. I had actually pre-ordered this album and just clicked “download” on Tuesday morning. The end.

Wasn't my first story so much better? I want to hear more about what it was like only being able to listen to one album without doing physical labor and having to carry around all your music in a glorified binder that weighed as much as you did.

Anyway, the fact that it was six-thousand times more easily accessible than the story above did not diminish my excitement for Katy Perry's new album to finally be released. I had already had the privilege of downloading "Roar," then "Walking on Air" and "Dark Horse," all of which I loved, so I didn't expect to be disappointed. I wasn't.

But I do have a lot of specific thoughts on the songs. (Please pick your jaw up off the floor. Oh wait, you're not shocked at all? Never mind.) So I thought I would share them with you, song by song.

To keep it brief, I have decided to limit myself to ONE SENTENCE per song. One. It may be a run-on sentence, but dang it, I will keep it to one. Because if I had my way we'd be here for days. Actually, just I would, because you would have stopped reading after minute five.

So without further ado I present to you the Laura McClellan 16-Sentence Amateur Review of Katy Perry's PRISM.

UPDATE: Stream the album while you read my descriptions here.

SONG NUMBER ONE: "Roar"* Easily one of the world's most satisfying pop songs, "Roar” makes you wonder where it has been your whole life but then realize you never could’ve pictured your life without it. Rating: A+++++

SONG NUMBER TWO: "Legendary Lovers" Despite the squirminess of the phrase “I feel my lotus bloom," which I find to be an entirely too-descriptive metaphor, this song is an enjoyable hip-hop-y, somehow march-like mid-tempo song which, like many others you will find on this album, is basically just about sex. Rating: B+

SONG NUMBER THREE: “Birthday” “Birthday” is a disco-y dance song with a perfect hook rounding out the chorus, to which you will probably find me dancing in the car, but not singing very loudly because several of the lyrics make me embarrassed. Rating: A

SONG NUMBER FOUR: “Walking on Air” Similar to the one preceding it, the super-catchy “Walking on Air” is a disco-y song about sex, adding to the list of songs I feel uncomfortable singing out loud, but it is infused with a little more hip-hop. Rating: A-

SONG NUMBER FIVE: “Unconditionally” Really all I can think about during this supposed-power-ballad is how it bothers me that she puts the emPHAsis on the wrong sylLABle on “Unconditional” about 800 times (she says un-con-di-TION-alllll”…no…if it doesn’t fit, rewrite the chorus). Rating: B

SONG NUMBER SIX: “Dark Horse” Admittedly very hip-hop for Katy Perry, “Dark Horse” is probably my favorite right now due to its building, unpredictable, belty chorus and, let’s be honest, super crunk beat (did I use that right?). Rating: A+

SONG NUMBER SEVEN: “This Is How We Do” Despite the fact that I can’t relate to anything this song is talking about (Breakfast in last night’s dress? Uh I’m still in my PJs I got for Christmas. Car still at the club valet on Tuesday? I won’t even pay for a valet at Chuy’s unless absolutely necessary), nor is it profound in any way, but I CAN’T HELP IT THIS SONG IS SO CATCHY AND IT WILL NEVER LEAVE MY BRAIN. Rating: A+

SONG NUMBER EIGHT: “International Smile” A delightful, repetitive electronic song, this track rhymes “Artist” with “star dust” which I appreciate, and features a vocoder more than once and I am not mad about it. Rating: A

SONG NUMBER NINE: “Ghost” If you ignore the fact that the first line of this song is “you sent a text” (NO KATY JUST NO), this song is an okay supposed-to-be-sentimental ballad, but it’s not the next “My Heart Will Go On” or anything. Rating: B-

SONG NUMBER TEN: “Love Me” Another slightly slower-paced quasi-ballad, this song has a lot more depth (love yourself in spite of insecurities and all that) and is a lot more compelling musically and lyrically than the others I’ve heard on the album so far, so people will probably identify with it. Rating: A-

SONG NUMBER ELEVEN: “This Moment” This one sounds a little bit like Devo did the production at first, and I’m pretty sure she actually wrote this cliche-filled quasi-ballad for Kelly Clarkson to sing, but hey, people like Kelly Clarkson, so you’ll probably still be on board. Rating: B+

SONG NUMBER TWELVE: “Double Rainbow” (OMG SHE WENT THERE) Another ballad, which is really hard to take seriously at first considering the name of the song, but it’s actually pretty great once you get over that, especially the melody in the pre-chorus and the Phil Collins drums. Rating: A

SONG NUMBER THIRTEEN: “By the Grace of God” I first heard (and loved) this song on her iTunes festival performance, and it is a fantastic, compelling, honest ballad with a perfect melody all the way through. (PLUS GOSPEL-Y BGVS YOU GUYS) Rating: A+

SONG NUMBER FOURTEEN: “Spiritual” (On the deluxe version) Super 80’s-fabulous, this is another disco-y song about sex (sensing a theme?), but I kind of think it’s got a weird vibe and it’s probably one of my least favorite songs on the album, mostly because I don’t think the chorus pays off at all. Rating: C+

SONG NUMBER FIFTEEN: “It Takes Two” (On the deluxe version) Katy is no slouch at writing a melody, you guys, and this one grabs you from the first line, keeping you with her throughout the rest of the song with its gospel influences and just plain catchiness. Rating: A

SONG NUMBER SIXTEEN: “Choose Your Battles” (On the deluxe version) This one doesn’t necessarily grab me in any particular way; it just kind of plays enjoyably in the background while you do something else. Rating: B-

Overall I obviously enjoy the album and you should go get it, but I’m going to stop talking now.**

What’s your favorite song so far? Alternatively, if you aren’t a fan, what’s your favorite album you’ve bought lately?

*Let it be known that I failed at this IMMEDIATELY. My first thoughts were: "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." Which is ALREADY two sentences and I hadn't even said anything yet.

**Also I was not in any way compensated for this post or affiliated with Katy Perry, though it’s adorable that someone might even think that.

John Mayer + Katy Perry: The Relationship No One Knew About

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Y'know, I like to think of myself of somewhat of a pop culture connoisseur. Okay, maybe connoisseur is too strong of a word (considering, as my computer just pointed out, I don't even know how to spell it). But I keep up with things. I generally know who's having babies and who threw their hat into the ring this week to be considered for an American Idol judge.

But this somehow slipped under my nose, and like all amateurs who claim to be experts, I blame someone else. That someone is the media.

When two mega celebrities--one coming off a highly publicized divorce and 3D film and the other coming off a new album and two years in woodland solitude--decide to date, or at least be seen together, which is the celebrity equivalent, we have a right to know, okay?

So my point in all this is to tell you that John Mayer and Katy Perry have not only been dating, but have already broken up. Apparently this had been going on for months and no one bothered to tell me.

Why was this not on the cover of US Weekly so that I could at least catch a glimpse while I wait 45 minutes for the lady in front of me to pay for her groceries with a check?

Sure, some unknown somebody gets us all riled up that Maynard cheated on One F Jef (apparently they both deny it and I believe them because I like to believe believe One F is incapable of lying) and it's plastered all over that glossy glorified tabloid the next day. But an unfortunate-looking-yet-super-popular songwriter and a girl who wears cupcake bras as clothing start making out in public and no one thinks this is important enough to make sweeping declarations about?

I'm appalled.

Y'know, I would expect this from more reputable sources who don't want to "jump to conclusions" and are worried about "libel," but not from you, celebrity gossip magazines. You have a reputation to uphold. You have to be the one making wild assumptions and throwing them out there as fact, citing only "a source" as reference. That's your job, guys. If you're not doing it, who is?

And now it's over. And I totally missed it. It came and went with nary a word about the blue-haired diva and her homeless-looking crooner.

What made this FINALLY grace the digital pages of EW's Popwatch and therefore brought it to my attention? John Mayer's "break-over" haircut.

A haircut.

Sigh. Get your priorities straight, EW. In the hierarchy of celebrity news, chart-topping pop stars dating each other far exceeds haircuts.

Unless it's Justin Bieber. Then all bets are off.

What should John Mayer and Katy Perry's celebrity couple name have been? 

P.S. Chris Pratt (Andy from Parks and Rec but really Bright Abbott from Everwood) and Anna Ferris also had a baby. Did you even know they were together, let alone pregnant? Neither did I. THE BALL IS OVER THERE, MAGAZINES. Go pick it up, please, and try not to drop it again.

"Not Them, Too!": A Lament in Light of Recent Celebrity Breakups

As a society, we've come to expect certain things: former teen stars on drugs, nonsense on MTV, Madonna's reinventions of herself. We get it. It's Hollywood. But even though we've seen countless celebrity breakups throughout our lives, there's some part of us deep down that secretly wants certain celebrity couples to make it the long haul. We know the likelihood is slim, but we still hold certain couples to a higher standard.

Over the last couple months it seems that all our hopes and dreams have been dashed. Couples we swore would be the holdouts have crumbled from "so in love" to "mutual respect for one another" seemingly in the blink of an eye.

So, in light of these recent breakups, I thought I'd take a moment to recap these relationships and properly grieve their loss.

Demi and Ashton: Okay, we were all semi-shocked when this relationship became a thing. Let's face it, on the surface it makes no sense. He wore trucker hats and had a show called "Punk'd" in which he pranked other celebrities and yelled enthusiastically into the camera in black-and-white. (Not that we were complaining.) And she--well, she's Demi Moore. I'm pretty sure we all gave it a year, tops.

But as the years rolled on and nothing happened (no news is good news when it comes to celebrity marriages), we started to believe in them. They defied the odds, appearing together on red carpet after red carpet, until we just assumed they'd be together forever. How dare they toy with our emotions like that? Making us abandon our common sense and actually have faith in their relationship, then ripping it right out from under us...unbelievable.

J.Lo and Marc Anthony: It's pretty clear who is the reacher and who is the settler in this relationship. But for J.Lo to settle down and have twins with someone, we knew it had to be real. After all, she's still just Jenny from the block. And hey, he seems like a pretty swell guy. Enter American Idol. Now, I'm not saying American Idol came between them, but did anyone else see that performance? Clearly J.Lo was getting pretty used to her reclaimed throne-o-fame and ol' Marc just has to attempt to serenade the swaybots by singing in Spanish (strike 1) while the world ignores him and watches her shake her booty. I felt tense just watching it. Poor J.Little and Marc Jr. (I have no idea what their twins' names are).

Heidi Klum and Seal: I really know nothing about this relationship other than the fact that it existed, but everyone seemed pretty devastated to find out they were splitting. After all, we perceive the length of celebrity marriages like we do dog years, and 7 x 7 is 49. So it's basically like they've been married 49 years. Who breaks up after 49 years? You've almost made it to your 50th anniversary. Such a shame.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand: This was an admittedly short-lived marriage, even by celebrity standards, and I'm sure more sensible observers would have seen this coming. But I, for one, was disappointed. For no other reason besides the fact that I just like the combination of those two people. And it also bums me out that we will never see a Katy-Russell hybrid (er...child).

Help us,Will and Jada. You're our only hope.

What celebrity couple do you hope lasts a lifetime? Who are you most disappointed to see separate?