Adam Levine Launches the World's Laziest Fashion Line at K-mart

Some pop icons are known for their style. Lauren Conrad. Emma Watson. For some reason, Kim Kardashian. People look at them and think, man, I'd love to have a reasonably-priced version of that outfit. Which is why two of the three of those people have fashion lines at Kohl's. (I mean buy me anything Lauren Conrad and I'm good to go. Seriously.) As well they should.

Someone who should not? Adam Levine. But he does now.

Look. I love Adam Levine as much as the next warm-blooded American with two ears and a heart, but a fashion line? At K-Mart?

First of all isn't his style just white v-necks and skinny jeans? Don't they already sell those? A reasonably priced version of a white v-neck is called the Hanes tagless tee. Done and done.

Second of all, let's just be real here for a second. Does anyone still shop at K-Mart? They do a LOT of advertising for a store that every time I see their storefront, the inside is empty and the K is like hanging off and there are rust marks where the m-a-r-t used to be in a strip mall that also housed things like a payday loan service and a recycling center in the parking lot. I'm asking.

Is K-Mart just the low-hanging fruit of the fashion industry? Do they have a screening process at all?

I just did some research, and here are some OTHER people who currently have K-Mart lines:

Nicki Minaj (WHAT) Sofia Vergara (I love her but she is not the everywoman.) Jaclyn Smith, a former Charlie's Angel Selena Gomez

I'm just saying this seems a little bit like a motley crew. And now we're adding Adam Levine?

PICK A MARKET, KMART. Do the people who shop at K-Mart really want to dress like Nicki Minaj or Adam Levine? Are we even playing to our strengths here? Again, I'm asking.

The article goes on to say that Adam Levine's fashion line will consist of cargo jackets, button down shirts and baseball caps. AKA the most generic things ever. Which is what Adam Levine wears. If he even wears a shirt at all.

He looks like Adam Levine because of his hair and his tattoos and his torso that seems to ever end. Not because of what he wears, which does not have a style.

I don't know who is behind this but maybe they just needed a guy for their collection of celebrities and Adam was the only one fame-hungry enough to do it. He has a perfume line too, you know. Which apparently is NOT selling out, you guys, even though he tweeted that celebrity fragrances should be punishable by death two years ago [see article here for more info on that trainwreck].

So Adam Levine, you just keep doing you and making money and we'll just keep not shopping at K-mart.

Who do you think K-mart should enlist next? Better yet, what do you think Adam Levine should endorse next? I vote temporary tattoos.

A Picture is Worth 1000 Words: Nicki Minaj's Eyeballs

This is the 2nd installation of the "Picture is Worth 1000 Words" series, which I just invented because this is the 2nd one I've posted. Here's the first. 

Sorry for assaulting your eyes with this image, but it had to be done. We have to talk about this. And by "talk about it," I mean describe what could possibly be happening in this picture. Besides "advertising Pepsi." Because that's what she actually IS doing. I know, I don't get it either. I don't pretend to understand the executives at Pepsi. If they made any sense whatsoever, they would have given up a long time ago when they realized Coke is and forever will be superior, and no amount of sparkles or pink hair will distract us enough to change that.

ANYWAY. Here are my guesses as to what is happening in this photo:

1. Nicki Minaj is making eye contact with a baby and over-acting the enthusiasm.
2. Nicki Minaj is trying to hypnotize us.
3. Despite her mother's warnings, Nicki Minaj kept making this face and inevitably her eyes did, indeed, get stuck that way.
4. This is actually a statue of Nicki Minaj in Madam Tousseau's wax museum.
5. Nicki Minaj just found out she lost everything in the stock market right before going on stage and is doing a terrible job of leaving it at the door.
6. Nicki Minaj is conducting a science experiment to see if she can actually will her eyeballs to pop out of her skull on command as part of her act.
7. Nicki Minaj just caught her boyfriend in the crowd making out with a waitress and is trying not to break character.
8. The corset top Nicki Minaj is wearing is squeezing her torso so tightly that it is making her eyes bulge, not unlike one of those orangey-yellow rubber squeeze toy creatures with the red ears you'd find on the shelves at the Cracker Barrel store.
9. Her eyelashes got stuck to her face.
10. Nicki Minaj just sat on the business end of a giant stiletto being used as a stage prop.

Your turn. What do YOU think is happening in this picture?