As I scoured the Internet yesterday looking for something interesting to ramble on about even though no one asked me to, I found myself scraping the bottom of the barrel. It was all poorly named babies and Alec Baldwin twitter rants, and something about J.Lo accidentally complimenting an oppressive dictator. Nothing of extreme significance or intrigue. No snail invasions or weird Japanese inventions. Not even any pictures of North West.
So I called on you fine people to help me out, and you delivered with many quality suggestions. But today we are going to talk about Janet Jackson.
Or should I say, Jannat Jackson. Why would I say that, you ask?
Because ol' Jannat has married a Middle Eastern billionaire and jumped ship to Qatar. This also prompted her to convert to Islam and (wait for it) change her name to "Jannat."
First of all, if you're going to change your name, go big or go home. You can't just shift some letters around to a slightly more Arabic-looking spelling and call it a day.
SIDEBAR: Do you think she walks around and when people say, "Hey Janet!" (or "[insert Arabic word for "hey" here] Janet!") she smiles politely but corrects them with a slight air of condescension, "Actually, it's Jah-NAHT," and they smile and nod apologetically but when she walks away they roll their eyes and do that fake-gag pantomime and whisper things like "who does she think she is?" and "I always liked Michael better."?
I think they totally do. You see, other countries are not so different from us, after all.
Second of all, let's just rein it in a bit, Jan-NAHT. Let's do a little self inventory. When a man's presence in your life causes you to make drastic decisions and literally change your identity, you should take a minute to think about whether or not this is a healthy relationship. I know, I know, he's kind of pretty in a Bond-villan kind of way and has a billion dollars but SO DO YOU, Jan-NAHT. So do you. Or you did. I'm not really sure where that "Together Again" money is now.
But you coined the term "wardrobe malfunction" at the Super Bowl with Justin Timberlake! That was you! I'm just saying, you're not hurting for money, okay? So let's pump the breaks a little bit on moving across the ocean and taking on a new religion AND changing your name. If you feel like you have to be someone else for Wissam Al Mana, then dang it, he is not good enough for you, Janet.
You are even giving up your music career so that he can have a private life? Come on, Janet. That's not you. That's the David Blane look-alike talking. Don't you want to wear clothing inappropriate for your age and lip sync to autotuned lyrics in front of thousands of people? Don't you want to wear a hands-free Britney mic and writhe around with dancers who were born after your last number one single was released? I know you do. It's who you are. Let's not deny yourself that for a few measly bucks and a businessman who wears hoodies and wishes he was Eminem.
Janet, you're better than this. You're better than Jah-NAHT.
Let me be clear, though. Please don't hear me saying I want you to return to music. I really don't. But I want you to have the OPTION. Because you are Janet Freaking Jackson, ma'am. Sister to THE Michael Jackson. Get back out there and make terrible music. Because this is America, and you can.
Where were you during The Great Wardrobe Malfunction of 2004?