Canada is beating us at money.

Ohhhh snap, y'all. We thought the day would never come. We thought the U.S. of A. would be number one in everything all the time always. But we were wrong, my friends, because this here is the year of the Canadians (see: Carly Rae Jepsen). Why? Because the average Canadian is now richer than the average American.

I don't know how they calculate it with the exchange rate and all, and I'm not really going to investigate. You can take that up with Time magazine (someone probably already has). But it's happening, you guys. While we're busy arguing over whose fault it is we're all fat, Canadians are secretly just plugging away making more money than us, Toonies and all.

It's actually important to note Ms. Jepsen in this post because now that I think about it, she's probably the main reason this is possible. She's making bank on the catchiest song ever heard by the human race because she actually co-wrote it.

The article's main point is that the average income in Canada is now higher than the average income in the states. I'm going to assume (incorrectly) that Carly's income is included in these figures, hiking up the average. ERGO she is to blame.

So, how do we come back from this?

It's not going to be easy, but I think if we work together we can do it. We can once again beat Canada in everything. Here's how:

1) Stop outsourcing pop stars. I wrote a post about this a few months ago (clearly no one in the American government reads my blog), so I won't spent much time on this. But JBiebs, Jepsen, Drake, One Direction (British, but Canada is basically the UK right?)…we've got to start manufacturing our own here, guys. We used to be a country of production. We used to make things, including pretty people who could sing and dance. But we've dropped the ball. We're spending too much time making youtube videos and not enough time training up future hit-factories. I elect Usher to lead this committee, since he's clearly very good at manufacturing pop stars. This time, go American though, Raymond, or you've let them win.

2) Let Canadian television borrow Ryan Seacrest for a while (for pay). He's good at his job and everything, but we could do without him for a couple years. "THIS…is Ca-NA-dian Idol!" Can we force him to do this against his will? Now I just want to see it happen.

3) Form a human fence across the Canadian border and demand five dollars from anyone going into America. This also creates jobs so, win/win. Link Number 3,294 (Night Shift) in the Canadian Border Fence would be a job title in this scenario. It would totally work.

I can't be expected to come up with all the ideas, okay? I'm no economist. I'm just a commentator no one asked to hear from. My job is to strike up conversations about the issues. But personally, I think there's something there with Human Fence.

What do you think we should do to fix this imbalance?

This Just In: We're Now Outsourcing Teen Idols

Our country has produced an array of teen pop sensations over the last few decades. David Cassidy. New Kids on the Block. Britney Spears.

We were good at it. The U.S. had the tween market covered--especially in the late 90's. Sure, there were the Spice Girls and probably a couple others who came from across the pond, but I'd say most of the teen idols were from right here in the U. S. of A.

But lately what was formerly our territory is being encroached upon. We're being out-danced here, and America needs to step it up. (In no way did I intend to reference the breakdancing underdog movie "Step It Up." It just happened.)

I present to you three artists who support my theory:

Exhibit A: Justin Bieber

I have nothing but love for J.Biebs. I've seen Never Say Never approximately 5 times. Due to the fact that I own it. Knowing that about me may cause you put me in a certain category in your mind. I'm okay with it. Do what you have to do.

But regardless of how you feel about him, you can't deny that the Biebs is probably the biggest tween pop sensation on the planet right now. And in case you didn't know, Justin Bieber hails from the Great White North. Yep, the reigning prince of pop is Canadian. And that's okay. I'm Canadian, too. (That may also put me in a certain category in your mind, which I'm prepared to deal with. I've been dealing with it for the last 18 years. But that's a story for another time.)

But the top spot in teen idol-dom has traditionally been held by good ol' fashion Americans like Nick Carter and Justin Timberlake, and no one from these here United States is even coming close to competing with the Biebs. Which brings me to my next example.

Exhibit B: One Direction

It seems that One Direction has harmonized their way into our hearts at lightning speed over the last few weeks. I, for one, am sold. What's not to like? Bowties. Suspenders. Very little synchronized arm motions. It's Boy Band 2.0. New and improved. You might think these are just wholesome American kids from the midwest who came to the big city with a dream and a YouTube video. Until you hear them talk. Once you're done swooning, you realize that these are no ordinary pretty teenage boys. These are pretty teenage BRITISH boys. It's the trifecta of hearthrobbiness. American boys don't stand a chance. Point UK. [See their SNL performance here and be won over.]

Exhibit C: Carly Rae Jepsen

Carly's a little different because she's not herself a teen, but I think her fun pop music and the fact that my teenage cousins listen to her qualify her as a teen pop sensation. I found out about Carly via Twitter when Jackson Pearce tweeted videos of herself dancing in the car and singing "Call Me Maybe" on repeat (which I now do). I looked it up and downloaded it almost immediately. I later found out (shock) she got third place on Canadian Idol, therefore making her Canadian. "Call Me Maybe" is in my top 10 songs right now, but she is another example of how Americans are falling behind in this category.

I'm a fan of all the above artists. They all have a special place on my iPod. I applaud Canada and England for producing such quality talent.

But guys, are we just done contributing teen idols to pop culture? What happened to the JoBros? (Seriously, where did they go? I'm asking.) Where is our new Hannah Montana? Are we not going to commit to raising up the next generation of bubblegum pop? How will tween girls know what to cry inappropriately about? And why is Disney dropping the ball on this? Lookin' at you, Bella Thorne.

Are we just going to lie around and let other people (or YouTube) do it for us? That's not the American spirit. Well, maybe it is. But I propose a revival in the teen idol production line. If we work together, we can bring one of our own into the spotlight for their shot at two years of fame and a lifetime of public mishaps. Who wouldn't want that?

So I implore you, future teen pop stars of America, don't give up on your dream. We need you to represent us. Don't let us down.

Who's your favorite teen pop sensation? (Come on, you know you have one.)