You guys, I come to you with a heavy heart today.
Two of our own have called it quits. (By "our own" I mean celebrities we lay claim to, of course.)
One Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Martin have decided to go their separate ways. That's right, Gwis (Chwyneth?) is no more.*
I, for one, am shocked.
Well, okay, not completely shocked. They are celebrities. But they were some of the last remaining celebrities married for over 10 years (according to my sources, which, in this case is solely my memory). Is nothing sacred?
What about APPLE, you guys? Did anyone ever think of her? First, her parents name her Apple and somehow legitimize all this nonsense celebrity baby naming, now this? Life is not going so great for ol' Apple. How will her friends ever get backstage passes to Coldplay concerts again? What will Suri's Burn Book say? What will people whisper when she has relationship troubles in the future? "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree?" (THANK YOU I'M HERE ALL NIGHT YOU'RE A GREAT AUDIENCE)
Gwyneth must have done this. I'm not sure how. I'm not sure when. Maybe when she started a website called Goop and Chris had no choice but to roll his eyes. Maybe when she decided to go on Glee and Chris once again had no choice but to make fun of her. She brought this on Apple and little Moses by provoking Chris to cause tension in her marriage. Probably. I don't really know, but it just seems like something she would do. I may have been influenced by pop culture telling me to hate Gwyneth Paltrow. I can't be certain. (What I am certain about is that I will never spell her name right on the first try.)
I am genuinely disappointed though. Don't they know we have a stake in this? Why would they do this to us? Shouldn't we have a vote? When the remaining hope of lasting celebrity marriages rests on your shoulders, you can't just call it quits without holding a referendum. Or at least a Facebook poll. You need to know where your constituents stand before you just go around making rash decisions.
Anyway, I guess all I have to say is, Godspeed, dear Apple. May you avoid those worms and, unlike your parents, find someone to make you the perfect pear. (Like...pair...get it? I slay me.) I will be waiting for your tell-all book.
And Beyonce and Jay Z, don't you dare even think about it.
Are you sad about the breakup? Which celebrity couple do you want to make it the long haul?
SIDE NOTE: I just realized their daughter's name is Apple Martin. If you add but one letter it becomes Apple Martini. I'm sure there's a joke in there but come on, guys, I can't do all the work.
*The fact that they don't have a feasible celebrity couple name is also Gwyneth's fault.