Product Pitch: Dark Mark Cream for Former Death Eaters

There are infomercials for a myriad of ridiculous products--some for people who can't seem open things without it ending in disaster, some to help people lie about their age, some to take care of pets when their owners don't want to. Recently I saw an ad for one of those blemish-correcting creams (real talk: do those actually work?). It touted the fact that it got rid of unsightly spots and dots and wrinkles, whatever. You know the drill.

But rather than using the term "dark spots," like most commercials do, this particular one chose to use the phrase "dark marks."

Ohhh, random fix-it cream. You have just made this Harry Potter nerd's day. What resulted was the following product of my imagination. So without further ado, I present to you the ad spot I would pitch for this cream if it actually got rid of dark marks:

***

Are you a disgraced Death Eater? Did you align yourself with the face of pure evil against your better judgment, only to find that good really does always triumph, just like your mother warned you?

We know what it's like. You sulk through the cobbled streets of Diagon Alley with your head hung low. You sweat constantly in the summertime because you're forced to wear long sleeves to conceal the tell-tale symbol of your treachery. You long to cast off your robe and feel the breeze cascade over your forearms without risking being stupefied by random passersby (old habits die hard, you know).

Storyboard Frame 1 Draft

Well, we're here to help.

Introducing Dark Mark Cream! Your ticket to assimilating back into society and living out the rest of our days a wizard free from shame.

Storyboard Frame 2 Draft

This magical ointment is no Weasley trickery. Just three applications daily, and in a matter of months your ominous snake tattoo will start to fade--and your poor reputation along with it.

Storyboard Frame 3 Draft

The secret is rare basilisk venom--known for its infamous destruction of He Who Must Not Be Named. Just a drop of the coveted serum in each bottle allows the balm to seep into your skin and ZAP that evil right out.

So stop sweating and start salving. It's time to get your life back.

Storyboard Frame 4 Draft

Dark Mark Cream: Because everyone makes mistakes.

Available wherever shameful antidotes are sold. And probably Borgin and Bourke's.

Top 5 Harry Potter-isms I Wish Were Real

I have a confession to make. When faced with a minor predicament, a spell from Harry Potter occasionally pops into my head as a possible solution for a split second.

I know. Nerd-tastic. And I haven't even read all the books yet. Imagine who I will have become after I finish them! Scratch that. Don't imagine it.

Seriously...stop that.

Anyway, my hopes are always dashed one second later when I realize not only am I not a wizard, but that magic doesn't even exist. IT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST.

Sigh.

So, since all I am left to do is long for the powers I will surely never have and the chocolate frogs I will never taste, I thought I would share with you the top 5 Harry Potter-isms I wish were real.

1. Accio [the charm to summon objects to your hand]. Number one, easy. No-brainer. I've longed to use this power on more than one occasion. Sure, I suppose it perpetuates laziness. I'd probably only use it to retrieve the remote or my computer when my reach is about a foot too short, but as long as I don't use it for evil, what's the big deal?

Dumbledore would probably say something like I was squandering the magic they worked tirelessly to put into my formerly-muggle hands, and that whole 'with great power comes great responsibility' thing, but hey, I just want to accio my pillow from upstairs whilst I'm lying on the couch. Is that too much to ask? Is Voldemort going to return because of that? I don't think so. He's probably too concerned with coming up with clever tweets about hating Justin Bieber to even notice. Okay, Dumbledore? Geez. Plus I'm pretty sure Voldemort disintegrated in the last movie. So we're good.

2. Hermoine. I just want to be her friend, really. But not the Hermoine in books 1-2. More like the Hermoine in 3+. Post-the frizzy hair and rules-nazi stage. (This is my hypothetical list, so I can be picky.) She's a master at spells, she has a time turner, and she can teach me how to be awesome.

3. Lumos [the spell that creates a light at the end of your wand]. Again,this appeals to my laziness and desire to not have to get up to turn on the light switch, but also appeals to my dislike of complete darkness. So, two birds here. Maybe if  I got a stand for my wand, I could use it as a night light. I'm sure Dumbledore would be shaking his head right now. It's my list, Albus, I'll do what I want.

4. Self-cleaning plates. The more things I list, the lazier I realize I must be. Or practical. That's it. Practical. Anyway, in Harry Potter land, plates magically fill and clear themselves in a matter of seconds. Where's bad?

5. Owl Post. But only if I could have a pretty owl like Hedwig, not like the creepy owl I posted here. What's more fun than getting a real letter in the 21st century? I'll tell you: having a snowy owl soar in through the window and deliver it to you after a magical journey abroad. And having that snowy owl understand you when you speak to it. Though, while I'm requesting things, I'd like to request a slightly less-sassy owl than Hedwig. She's always giving Harry the stink eye for using other owls for his safety or judging Ron's little obnoxious owl. I'm just saying, I need an owl who respects me. That's all.

Basically I just want to go back to Harry Potter World at Universal Studios. Except without the 100 degree weather and approximately 2.7 billion people.

What are some Harry Potter-isms you wish were real? (Or, if you're not into Harry Potter---sorry to hear that, by the way---something else fictional you wish were real?)