Dearest J.Biebs,
Hey, buddy. How's it going? Not so good, huh? Yeah...I've heard some things. Everybody has. I know, I know. You didn't mean for it to go this far. One small slip here, one there, and suddenly you're spiraling into a pit of Lohan-brand shame.
I know this is not who you want to be, and as a loyal Belieber (but not one who will be privy to your delinquent nonsense), I am here to help.
This is an intervention.
I see you out there on that ledge, and I am shimmying my way out the window onto the platform with you in an attempt to talk you down. This, of course, is a metaphor, because there's no way in any scenario across all of time and space I'd be climbing onto a ledge unless it was four feet or less off the ground. That's just dumb.
But we're not here to talk about my potentially dumb decisions. We're here to talk about yours.
Accusations of battery, pot usage, not paying your bodyguards, shirtless Instagram photos, some nonsense about Anne Frank--you've got a streak going here, you know. And Justin, that's not how you were raised.
You know it too, don't you? You try to ignore it because your sweet grandparents don't even use Twitter, but we all know they must be draped in shame.
There, there. It's okay. We're going to take a step back, look at your life, and make some changes…together. Okay?
It's time for some tough love. I only do this because I know you can handle it. Here we go.
First of all, what are you even doing anymore? Society is not your own personal version of The Real World, okay? Do you even know what The Real World is? No, of course you don't, because you were born in 1994.
You can't get on a jumbotron at your concerts and be all like, "BELIEVE" and "NEVER SAY NEVER" and essentially declare "I AM A RESPECTABLE ROLE MODEL" and then turn around and get high and/or spit on your neighbor.
Where is Kenny during all this nonsense? Isn't he supposed to be following you around everywhere and protecting you from blunders like this?
Wait a second, are you DISOBEYING Kenny? How dare you. That man is a saint.
Look, I know being a teenage heartthrob is stressful. We've all been there. But if you need to blow off some steam, how about a nice game of bocce ball or…heaven forbid, reading a BOOK.
Hm? Oh, umm, they're kind of like the Internet but the words are assembled into paragraphs and chapters and then printed on compacted tree pulp and bound together into this thing you can carry around with you.
Anyway, I'm just saying maybe you can get a hobby that doesn't involve illegal substances. I know you're a legal adult now and everything and your mom feels like she has to let you do your own thing and all, but I don't, and I am technically your elder, young man, so listen to me.
Don't follow the path of so many teenage stars before you. People like me have stood behind you for far too long for you to make us look like fools now, okay? Think about US. Think about when people at work are like "hey your boy Bieber looks like he's doing pot and going off the deep end." Think about how that makes us FEEL, Justin. I'll tell you: ashamed. Ashamed that we ever defended you to our peers when they laughed at us for respecting you. Ashamed for endorsing you when you're turning out to be just like the rest of them.
You're making me look bad. The only thing worse than a 24-year-old who openly declares fandom for Justin Bieber is a 24-year-old who openly declares fandom for a pot-smoking, paparazzi-attacking Justin Bieber.
So please, Justin, think of us and make better decisions.
I know you can do it. Don't make me call your grandparents.
Love, Laura
Feel free to post your criticisms and/or encouragements to the Biebs during this…er…transitional time in his life in the comments. It's probably not an official intervention with only one letter anyway. Together we can make a change.