James Franco's Latest Weird Thing (And What Ron Swanson Should Do About It)

Are we not done with James Franco yet?

I mean, whatever, he was fine in Spiderman and probably was okay in that 128 Hours movie that I refused to see because I am overly sensitive to gross and/or violent things, but come on.

He does 8 million things at a time which only serves to solidify his identity as a jack of all trades, master of none. Is anyone really like, "yeah man, I really just love James Franco. He's totally an artist on screen"? No.

Does he just keep churning out nonsense day after day because he knows it's not working and just can't bare to stop for five minutes and channel all his efforts into one thing that would actually be worthwhile? Not exactly the best approach, there, James.

In the words of Ron Swanson, "Don't half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing."*

Come to think of it, James could use a swift kick in the pants from Ron Swanson. As could most people in hollywood. But I digress.

Most recently I have discovered his disturbing teddy bear "art," which was terrible enough on its own, but this week I unfortunately ALSO stumbled upon a music video he directed for R.E.M. starring...wait for it...Lindsay Lohan.

UGH.

Doesn't it just make you want to punch him in the face?

He really is the worst. I think he has become the James Franco of 30 Rock. At least he has in my head. You don't know he doesn't have a Japanese body pillow girlfriend, ok?

To save you some time, the video is basically a trippy five minutes filled with overlaid shots of the seedy underbelly of L.A. and Lindsey Lohan does what she does best, poses provocatively while someone takes pictures of her. Also she wears hipster glasses for about 3.5 seconds and then (for once) comes to her senses and takes them off. James Franco looks all artsy with old-timey cameras and takes some polaroids. End scene.

Combined with the song, it's equal parts annoying and depressing.

Can't you just picture Lindsay and James just sitting there in director's chairs smoking something unmentionable and watching the final cut on a monitor, nodding to each other and pontificating about how this video is totally a reflection on society and how everyone should just really quit judging everyone because we don't know their lives, you know?

Double ugh.

And really, R.E.M.? Is the mid-size club scene most 90's alt bands are playing nowadays just so unbearable that you had to align yourselves with this nonsense? I believed in you. As I do nearly all 90's alt bands. And you let me down. Don't make me say it, okay? Don't make me say it.

Fine, you've left me no choice. It's the end of the world as we know it.

Can we just give James the ol' hook and drag him off the proverbial stage already? Just send Ron in after him. Like anyone would even be mad.

Ron Swanson: "Alright son, that's enough out of you." James Franco: "But..I just have one more act where I set a dollhouse on fire and perform on aerial silks and call it performance art and then I release the whole thing as an interactive documentary!" Ron Swanson: "Exactly."

You know what? I propose we send Ron Swanson in whenever any celebrity becomes a particular nuisance to society.

Who do you think Ron should go after next?

*By the way, this exists on a cross-stitch hoop and I want it...nudge, nudge, people who want to get me a Christmas gift...

UPDATE: Ron Swanson has HEEDED my request. See evidence below:

He really is the greatest.

Lindsay Lohan: Setting the Bar Lower With Each Passing Day

Alright.

Alright, alright, alright.

This has got to stop.

Literally every week of my life lately there is a new entertainment news story about some nonsense Lindsay Lohan has gotten herself into, and I am one hundred percent over it.

If she's going for shock value, she's ruined it for herself simply by the pure number of incidents she has been linked to in the past six weeks.

Let's review the ridiculous behavior we have seen permeate the internet in just that short amount of time:

1. August 28: Suspect in a burglary 
2. August 30: Ruining a priceless antique movie trailer that didn't belong to her
3. September 21: Charged with a hit & run/leaving the scene of an accident
4. September 30: Hotel "Scuffle" 
5. October 9: "Altercation" with her mother involving a $40k loan and cocaine accusations [Side note: don't you love how classless fights are always called 'altercations' to make them sound less ghetto? See: Chris Brown]

I mean, I kind of want to be impressed. I imagine it's hard to be that much of a trainwreck without trying just a little bit. But you know what? I don't think she tries at all. She just really is The Worst Ever Of All Time, and she just bumbles through life existing as such. Kind of like a drunk elephant trying to navigate a megachurch mid-service.

By now, she's clearly reached the point of no return. When someone says "Lindsay Lohan," no one on the planet is going to associate it with anything worthwhile. At least Snooki has a somewhat cute baby and an SNL weekend update parody going for her. Someone on the face of the earth might consider her a respectable human being. Lohan, not so much.

It almost makes me wish Tina Fey would just expunge Lindsay's existence from Mean Girls because she doesn't deserve it anymore. Like the NCAA does with championship titles. Just take it away from her. That movie is gold, and Lindsay is by far the weakest link in it. The movie is quite possibly the most successful thing she's done, and she is ruining it more day after day. Just recast her and refilm the whole thing. Or use photoshop. Y'know, whatever. Like anyone would even be mad.

Get out of here, Lindsay. Just…just go.

This is what's called tough love. We're kicking you out of being a person. You can come back when you learn to behave yourself even just a little tiny bit. That's all we ask. Behave yourself, like, a Lady Gaga amount. That is not a high bar. She puked on stage and regularly shows us too much of her body, and I still think she has more class than you.

So all that to say, get it together, Lindsay. We're exhausted just from reading your headlines and your statements saying you just really want to focus on your work COUGHinalifetimemovieCOUGH.

Who do you think should replace Lindsay in Mean Girls? I vote Emma Stone. Because she is the anti-Lohan. Meaning she is The Best Ever Of All Time.