Iran, Monkeys and Mohawks

So while you were at work or school or a coffeeshop writing zombie poetry (a genre yet to be explored) yesterday, Iran announced they have officially sent a monkey to space and back. That's adorable. We sent a person to the moon in the 60's.

But whatever, good for you, I guess.

I'm mostly just concerned about the monkey and his feelings. He was all alone in a space ship 75 miles above the earth with nary a wise-cracking bug friend to speak of.

(LIGHTBULB: make feature animated film about this monkey. Add wise-cracking bug friend.)

Poor little guy. I bet he was scared. Or maybe he slept through it. I don't know. Maybe monkeys are less afraid of dying in rocketship explosions than humans are.

But seriously, should we as a country be concerned about this? I mean I know China's going to kick our butts and own us all in the near future or something but, Iran? Really? Are we just going to sit around watching them send chimpanzees into orbit and not do anything about it? Are we not a country in which one-upsmanship is a virtue? Do we not make people compete for love for our own enjoyment? This is America and we will not stand idly by while middle eastern monkeys float in the cosmos.

WHY AREN'T YOU ON THIS, MOHAWK GUY?

You can't ride on that Mars rover thing forever. Get back out there and beat the Iranians. Send a monkey to MARS. That will show them.

But if you do, please send a friend along with him. I don't like the idea of him being all alone for that long. And you wouldn't do that, would you mohawk guy? You're young, you're a humanitarian, you wear TOMS, right? Of course you do. You have a mohawk.

Here we are wasting precious time talking about frivolous things like "gun control" and "universal healthcare" when really we should be focusing all our efforts on getting zoo animals on mars.

(SECOND LIGHTBULB: OMG you guys, Mars Zoo. Wouldn't they be adorable in their little astronaut outfits?)

All I'm saying is, let's pick up the pace a bit here. I know NASA pressed pause on space shuttles or something but let's unpause that game and make it happen.

What do you suggest we do to fix this imbalance?

MORE IMPORTANTLY: Would you watch a movie about a monkey going to space and his wise-cracking bug friend?

Missing Out on Mars and Mohawks

Fellow Americans, I have a bone to pick with you, and it has to do with outer space. WHY did no one tell me we were landing a rover on Mars Monday night?

Was the 7th interview about Missy Franklin's contact with the Biebs so important that NBC couldn't be bothered to tell us we were PARACHUTING a vehicle-sized science-mobile onto a foreign planet and the whole thing was going to be televised? I mean, anyone who knows me even remotely well would know that I never oppose talking about the Biebs. But really? This is history, here guys.

Shame on you, Bob Costas. I don't know why, but I blame you. Or Ryan Seacrest. He was too busy telling us that everyone in the world uses Facebook a lot and still uses it a lot during the Olympics, like it was some testament to the human ability to use technology, to be bothered by something that actually was a testament to the human ability to use technology. Sigh.

So yesterday morning whilst making my rounds on the Twittersphere and CNN, I learned that we (I say "we" like a collective "we," because the Olympics are happening and we're all part of the same team if we live in the same country, right?) not only successfully landed a hunk of high-tech machinery on Mars, but that one of the people responsible is...awesome.

Introducing: Mohawk Guy (y'know, unless you've read the news in the last 24 hours. If so, please just humor me.)

See, baby boomers? 20-something handsome hipsters CAN be productive members of society. You thought it couldn't be done. You thought stars emblazoned in the side of someone's head were reserved for hoodlums and Dennis Rodman. But you were wrong, because this young man has changed all that. (I call him a young man because I feel like that's what people with no confidence in our generation would call him.)

With the help of a single dollop of hair gel and an eccentric barber, Bobak Ferdowski is making science cool, one mohawk at a time.

Sure, he probably got made fun of in elementary school/middle school for liking science, but WHERE ARE YOU NOW, bullies? Not on TV slash all over Twitter slash starring in your own meme-cycle, that's for sure. These are the kinds of accolades you want in 2012. We can't all be Hey Girl or Gersberms, but he has reached that pinnacle.

You go, mohawk guy. You go.

Let it be known that this is one of my favorite things about pop culture in America: we are exploring Mars with a sophisticated, cutting-edge machine, and we managed to pull an Internet sensation out of it.

Never mind the fact that some older less-mohawky guys likely did just as much work on this project. They don't have cool hair or a tumblr page or rugged good looks, so PUH. Give us Bobak.

After they took away Pluto AND the space shuttle program, this is the least NASA could have done for us. It's nice to know there is still something for us to hope in.

Maybe mohawk guy will inspire a whole new generation of astronauts and/or aerospace scientists and they will reinstate the shuttle program AND bring back Pluto because they remember a time when Pluto was a planet.

One can only dream.

Godspeed, Mohawk Guy. May you discover awesome things and, when the time comes, choose cooler people than Lance Bass to try to launch into space.

Where were you when we landed Curiosity on Mars? I was asleep. No thanks to Seacrest.