Side note: It was really hard to choose which gif I wanted to use. There are a lot.
Robyn.
Sweet, sweet Robyn.
I think it's adorable. Really, I do. If the world were all cupcakes and @insta_kitten photos, this would totally work.
But sadly, it's not, and your song "Call Your Girlfriend" is the most ill-concieved plan ever put to music.
And it's not fair of you to give this advice to a man you supposedly love under the guise of knowing what girls want to hear just because you are one. He is going to take it seriously. And literally. If you haven't noticed, men don't like subtlety and nuance. You have to give it to them straight if you want to elicit any sort of response.
Fortunately, that is exactly what you did. You spelled it out for him phrase-by-phrase.
Unfortunately, it's going to go down in flames.
That poor, naive man of yours is going to listen to your advice, nod his head and go call his girlfriend to break up with her exactly like you said:
"It's time we had a talk."
"Here are some reasons why I like this other girl better than you. There, there, it's not your fault."
"But I just met somebody new. And now it's gon' be me and her. So..."
"Look, don't get upset and start second-guessing everything I've said and done. Ok, now you're upset, but look, I never meant to hurt no one. The only way your heart will mend is when you learn to love again. It won't make sense right now but I'm totally still your friend, y'know? I'm letting you down easy!"
On what planet would this girl not immediately hang up the phone, drive to his house and promptly punch this guy in the face? She'd probably demand to know what the heck he was thinking.
"Look, Robyn told me this was the best way to handle it! At least I didn't tell you how she gives me something I never even knew I missed! Or how different it is when we kiss!"
Punched again. This time in the gut.
"I thought I was [GASP] letting you down [GASP] easy...[GASP]"
I mean seriously. What ever happened to sisterhood and solidarity and all that?
Come on, Robyn. Help a girl out. Don't make a guy cheat on his girlfriend with you and then try to act all understanding of the girl's feelings.
You gave up that right when you made out with whatshisface. You don't get to be like, "aw poor girl just tell her it's not her fault and let her down easy." No. You tell him to face her like a man (NOT over the phone), tell her exactly what he did and then immediately turn around and run fast because of the aforementioned punching that will inevitably ensue.
Gah.
I'm so disappointed in Robyn's boyfriend. Like this was actually going to end well. Plus he's just going to hate Robyn for giving him that terrible advice in the first place, and then he's going to be girlfriend-less.
First he had two, now he has none.
No one wins when Robyn is involved.
What can we learn from this scenario?
1) Do not cheat on your significant others. Especially with women who wear fur coats and dance around telling you how to break up with said significant other.
2) Do not take advice from Robyn. She is woefully misinformed and clearly unable to foresee the potential for negative outcomes.
What would you do if someone broke up with you like this?