SkyMall Highlights, March 2013 Edition

Last week, as you may have noticed, I did a lot of galavanting. Usually I don't travel much for work, but for some reason last week took me straight from New Orleans to DC back to Nashville via plane. This also means [drumroll please...] SKYMALL COMMENTARY. Aw yeah, you guys. It's that time again.

So here we go...SkyMall "Early Spring 2013" Highlights, commentated by yours truly. [Read the first edition here.]

In what universe is killing a squirrel a sign of brawn, particularly to the extent that one would display this accomplishment on the wall for all to see? Even in West Monroe, Louisiana, this would be unacceptable. Phil Robertson just kills squirrels because he's bored during a pet photoshoot with Mrs. Kay and her terriers. No one is impressed. I mean, okay, we're impressed with Phil, but even he wouldn't display a squirrel on his wall like it's something to brag about.

And this particular squirrel looks like his soul is lurking behind those resin eyes waiting for revenge. They even included the ARMS, for goodness' sake. I'm no hunter--in fact I think I would be the opposite--but in my limited experience with mounted taxidermy trophies, I have never seen half a deer sticking out of a wall. Faux dead squirrels should be no exception. It's just creepy.

For the person in your life you would do anything for...except hold an umbrella while they strap in the kids.

What time is it? I DON'T KNOW, okay, mystical clock? Why all the mind games? Who needs this kind of stress in their lives? This is like the opposite of a digital clock.

What's a bed bug thwarting sleeping cocoon, you might ask? It's that thing where your paranoid neighbor wraps himself in an impenetrable fabric sac at night so as to prevent bed bugs from sinking their little teeth into him as he sleeps. Did you know bed bugs have teeth? Well, you do now, thanks to SkyMall. I don't know about you, but I don't appreciate their scare tactics. Also weren't bed bugs a thing like three years ago? Wasn't it kind of like an anthrax type deal? I could be wrong.

What if there is a fire and you are trapped in your bed bug thwarting cocoon? What if you are struggling to get out and you fall off the bed and are unable to escape? What if in the fortunate event that a fireman comes in to save you, you have to explain to him what this monstrosity is and that you thought a bed bug attack was more likely than a fire, which is a real thing that happens? These are questions you need to ask yourself before investing in one of these glorified pillowcases. (Though high five to the copy writer who chose to use the word "thwarting" in a SkyMall catalog.)

Just…no. This whole bacon thing is really starting to grind my gears. It's like, okay, it was cute and ironic for like 4 minutes, but we're done here, y'know?

I imagine this necklace would be worn by someone in a movie like National Treasure or Eagle Eye and the necklace would serve as instructions for the protagonist and a clue to the overall plot. She may or may not be a love interest but would most definitely be dragged around against her will throughout the entire film.

Dustbuster? More like GHOSTBUSTER. (Stop it. You're too kind. Seriously I'll be here all week.]

So these shoes are for...clumsy hippies? Seriously--toe bumpers? I mean I am clumsy but not once in my life have I thought to myself, "man, I really wish these shoes had toe bumpers." Oh and also they are the ugliest things I've ever seen. And cost $80.

This is technically an ad on the back of the magazine, but I just couldn't not comment on it. First of all, is or is not that blonde girl plotting to kill the American girl singing karaoke in French because she secretly loves the dumb guy in the middle and thinks American girl is stealing him away from her? Is it a love triangle and this rando ginger is just happy to be there, blissfully unaware of the situation? And why is this girl SO ecstatic about singing French karaoke? I get the feeling she laughs like Fran Drescher or Janice from Friends. Ugh. This kind of thing is why they hate us.

Until next time…

What's the worst/best thing you've seen in SkyMall? Do you have any other observations about these items I missed?

SkyMall Highlights, October 2012 Edition

I've come to the conclusion that the target market of SkyMall magazine is this very specific demographic: people who have no hair, pets they want no interaction with whatsoever, and bad posture.

This bald hunchback looking for a way get out of feeding his cat is gonna get hooked UP.

SkyMall is one of the best parts about flying, am I right?

I think they just keep producing them solely for entertainment purposes and make their money on ads rather than actually selling anything. They're there in case you run out of time to go by Houston News on the way to your gate and therefore can't catch up on your celebrity gossip. That has to be how they stay afloat. Not actual sales of this nonsense. And even then they must only break even given the cost of printing and distribution.

I mean, who looks at SkyMall and is like, yes, I need to make that call as soon as I am allowed to turn back on my approved cellular device when we land? Even if you did want something you saw, you'd just go google it and probably find it on Amazon for cheaper with free shipping.

Additional question: is it a required trait that anything in Skymall must look ridiculous when worn and/or used? I submit that it most definitely is.

Anyway, in light of my recent trip to Pennsylvania and the gems I found in the current edition of the illustrious SkyMall, I thought I'd do a review of sorts, in case you don't have the privilege of flying any time in the near future.

Grow what looks like a flesh-eating fungus in your very own house--with your kids! It almost definitely won't overtake your home and family while you sleep.

Number one thing husbands and wives do not do happily together: wear posture correctors and like it. At best this would be something a husband did in order to shut up his nagging wife, and really, who wants to be that couple? Come to think of it, who wants to be the Couple with Matching Perfect Posture? We're done here.

For people who got a pet, then had a kid and forgot about the pet.

A hiccup stopper. Know what also works to stop hiccups? About 15 other methods that are not $19.99 plus shipping and handling. Changing your breathing pattern. Hanging upside down and swallowing water. Waiting like 10 minutes. All of the above are effective methods of ridding yourselves of hiccups. Sure, hanging upside down and swallowing water may make you look dumb too, but at least you didn't pay 20 bucks to do it.

All this time rural folk have thought they've been seeing real live bigfeet, but no, it was merely the misguided shenanigans of someone who had been on a plane recently and also had too much expendable income and time on his hands. Sorry, Bobo. But hey, this will save you having to do a couple reenactments.

Also if you're not purchasing this fake bigfoot to fool simple country folk, you need to reevaluate your life choices. And budgetary decisions. Because trickery is the only valid reason for purchasing this item.

Guys. Guys. You guys. Forget Rogaine. Forget Hair Club for Men. The spacepod hair growth enhancer helmet is FINALLY here. Nevermind the fact that we've already established the average helmet is a fashion faux-pas, let's add tiny lasers and throw a lowercase "i" in front of the name and just round this thing out with a whole new level of terrible.

Sometimes embracing baldness is more attractive than wearing a glorified salon hair-dryer contraption on your head, y'know?

ALSO aren't lasers used to remove hair as well? How can lasers both remove unwanted hair and grow back wanted hair? Do lasers have the power to discern which is the desired effect? Are there different types of hair-related lasers? Is this all a trick? Someone buy a spacepod hair-growing device and report back.

Thus concludes the highlights of the SkyMall magazine, October 2012 edition. Please go forth knowing these things exist in real life.* Except maybe the bigfoot. Might be worth it. It's almost halloween, right?

What's the worst thing you've ever seen in SkyMall? Would you ever consider purchasing any of the products I mentioned above?

*Or do they? New theory: SkyMall is a fraud and uses stock photos to compile the images in the catalog, knowing that no one will actually call to order one of the products displayed. Just a theory.