I wrote a real ballad, you guys. Really. At least according to Wikipedia I did, because that's where I got the information on how to format a ballad. It rhymes and has iambic tetrameter and EVERYTHING.
So, without further ado, I present to you: The Ballad of Spencer Pratt.
Note: if you don't know who that is, you're in luck, because this ballad tells his story.
[Ahem]
The Ballad of Spencer Pratt
By Laura K. McClellan
There once was a man named Spencer Pratt, And friendly he was not. With white-blonde mane and matching 'stache, 'Twas only fame he sought.
The tails of Lauren's coat he rode, Into the spotlight gold. He creeped and slithered through the cast, As drama did unfold.
He played the villain willingly, Crafting his plan well, 'Til soon his lady had no friends. (She must have thought she smelled.)
Rumors, lies and secrets flew As Spencer shrugged and laughed, "I don't know what you're speaking of, LC is full of chaff."*
Synonymous his name became with douchery utmost; The public shuddered at the name of Speidi, 'cause they're gross.
Even Spencer's sister knew Her brother was the worst. But though the others pleaded so, To Heidi, he came first.
"What's next for Spencer?" you may ask, "Where can he go from here?" I'll tell you, listener; lean in close. You won't believe your ears.
That Spencer, filled with wit and malice, Knew just what to do. Succumbing to ol' Heidi's nag, He finally said "I do."
At first in Mexico they wed, With no one there to see, The sketch factor was obvious, So they wed again publicly.
Drama, drama everywhere! The magazines proclaimed. Speidi is official now! It will go down in flames!
Now after this, the couple fled To star on NBC, "Get me out of here," it said "I'm a celebrity!"
Speidi lasted but four days on that deserted island, But not before our hero, Pratt Was baptized by a Baldwin.
And then that one time, Speidi wrote (I use that term quite loosely) A book on how to capture fame And feature in US Weekly.
Since then the duo's ebbed and flowed, Divorce was on the table. "A fame whore," Pratt professed himself; Heidi didn't like that label.
"But wait, just wait, it's all a joke!" Sir Spencer cried aloud. "The wife needed a boost in fame; divorce sure draws a crowd."
With that the public turned their backs On Spencer and his lady, And he went down in history As King of All Things Shady.
What can we learn from Spencer Pratt, His creeper-stache and all? Don't be a jerk to everyone; Or this could be you, y'all:
*It rhymed, okay? This is my first ballad.
Question: What do you think Spencer is doing in that picture?