The Subtle Downward Spiral of Will Smith

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Guys, I'm worried about Will Smith. His kids are ruining his life.

It's not all their fault. I mean, he's responsible for them. And his career. But listen, there was a time when Will Smith was a respected actor.

Remember when he was in Pursuit of Happyness? Remember how everyone revered him as a talented actor and not just the guy from Hitch and Men in Black? Remember how he probably thought this was just the beginning of the rest of his life?

He was wrong. I'd like to suggest that instead it was the peak of his career and since then it's been a slow, subtle downward spiral.

And it all comes back to his kids.

Jaden was IN Pursuit of Happyness. A cute, non-consequential minor role. Now, he and his sister are just scowl-faced fashion emergencies rapping about God knows what and Will has to just stand around going "that's my baby!" like he's proud or something.

Well let me tell you, he should not be proud. He should be disciplining. Because people are starting to lose confidence in him. I'm starting lose confidence in him. I'm worried I'm not taking him seriously anymore.

I'm genuinely nervous that he's falling off the radar and slipping into some kind of crazy uncle will status where he's always talking about the good ol' days when he was on Fresh Prince.

I mean seriously have you seen how many times he's rapped in public lately?

SEVERAL.

It was funny and amazing the first time when it was special because he never did it. It's not so funny and amazing when you take a mic from the house band on Letterman after you've ALREADY started rapping over your intro music and they just kind of let it happen and throw you a mic because you are STILL rapping without one.

It's just sad, Will. Kinda sad.

I'm sure it's hard when your kids are such attention-hogs (full disclosure: I learn everything I know about them from Suri's Burn Book) to not grab mics and be all "REMEMBER ME YOU GUYS I USED TO RAP" but come on Will. It's not classy and you know it.

Let's put on our big boy pants, man up and do a real movie. Not some weird M. Night Shyamalan buddy-cop-type thing with your son where you're actually the one riding HIS coattails and your name is Cypher Raige. I'm just saying, it's not cute. He should be greedily using YOUR fame to get ahead, not the other way around.

I don't think anyone has noticed his gradual drop off because of the flashy ego-parade that is his children, but I am noticing, Will, and I think you should step it up.

No more gratuitous rapping on late-night shows. No more movies co-starring with your son.

Real live grown-up movies.

You can do it, Will. We believe in you.

What's your favorite Will Smith movie?

A Toast to Will & Jada on their 15th Anniversary

Guys, this is a momentous occasion. A celebrity couple is approaching their 15th wedding anniversary this year. I don't know if this has ever happened before in human history. Three guesses as to who it is… [just pretend you didn't see the post title, ok?]…the first two don't count.

Did you guess the only celebrity couple who continues to defy the odds? The couple who has produced not one, but two mini pop sensations? The couple whose members feature in TWO three-quels this summer? Did I just make up the word three-quel? Let's just reveal who it is:

Will and Jada, of course. I made a plea to this couple in my last celebrity couple assessment, and it looks like they heard me.

I hope this is not some sort of jinx. Like the 15-year-curse or something. If they end up divorced by 2014 I am going to have a bone to pick with Madonna (who I can only assume is the current reigning shaman of celebrities---the previous being Zha Zha Gabor--- casting curses on other pop culture icons by waving her Gollum arms. FYI that's also how she stays looking "young" and persuades people to let her do halftime shows in 2012. Look it up; it's a thing. After all, Kabala does combine the fun parts of Judaism with magic. WHOA, two 30 Rock references in one paragraph. This just got real.)

Anyway, in honor of Will and Jada's 15th anniversary, I thought I would make a toast [prepare your glass of champagne…or sparkling cider, whatever works]:

[Ahem]

As a society we've known both Will and Jada for a number of years. Will, since his days with Aunt Viv and Uncle Phil, and Jada...since she married Will. And that time she was in one of the Matrix movies.

We always knew the Fresh Prince would find himself that beautiful honey someday, and he surely did. Never in the tabloids, but always in our hearts, Will and Jada set an example for the rest of the Britneys and Kims in the world who think of marriage as more of a temporary lapse in judgment rather than a lifetime commitment. But you get that, Will-ada. (Can I call you Will-ada?) You know that marriage is not for fools with reality TV shows or anyone named Ashton Kutcher. It's for people who love each other and will raise their kids to be exceedingly awesome, which you have done.

You don't expect some lavish celebration each year you stay married. You high five and call each other "homie." And that's enough.

You, Will-ada, are our rock. You gracefully elude the limelight, but we always know you're there. Steady and going strong. Without you, we have no hope for any celebrity marriage.

So to Will and Jada, who keep the dream alive for people like me who secretly wish all celebrity marriages would last, just to prove the cynics wrong. May you be togetha 4-eva. Here, here!

An only-slightly-related yet still important question: What is your favorite Will Smith movie?