Is Beyonce Big Brother?: A Reflection on the VMAs

I watched the VMAs last night. I wasn’t planning on it; it just happened. I follow Taylor Swift on Twitter (who doesn’t?) and she was tweeting adorable pictures like this and I felt like, as a self-proclaimed pop culture aficionado, I should be aware of whatever was going on last night. I mean, what if there was another twerk-gate and I missed it completely? What kind of American would that make me? So I realized it was about to be on, turned the channel from Doctor Who (Vincent and the Doctor never gets old, you guys), and braced myself.

The VMAs are about as prestigious as the Dundees, but sometimes you get some good performances out of them.

Last night’s Video Music Awards (which doesn’t even make any sense. Why is it not Music Video Awards? Ugh. Kids.) were all about Beyonce.

Sure, Jessie J and Ariana Grande and Sam Smith all killed it, T-swizzle’s performance was super fun, but it was all leading up to the longest medley ever, performed by none other than Queen B.

Guys, I love Beyonce. I do. I’m getting a little tired of her nonsensical R&B songs with no real chorus but whatever. She’s Beyonce. I’m giving her a pass for a year or so.

Her medley, therefore, was about 80 percent boring, 10 percent 'Drunk In Love' and 10 percent 'XO.' I…I actually turned it off during her medley (NO WAIT BEYGENCY I DVR’D IT AND FINISHED IT LATER OK?). And I never turn off a Beyonce performance. I’m just saying, it was boring for at least the first 45 minutes. Oh, it was only a 10 minute performance? Huh.

Toward the end (when it started getting interesting) home videos of her, Blue and Jay Z scrolled by on the screen behind her looking all family-like and cute.

And Her Royal Highness Blue Ivy Carter was IN the audience you guys. She was THERE. (Let me just tell you, she could wipe the floor with North West the Person.*)

Jay Z and Blue Ivy came up to present Beyonce the Vanguard Award which is some kind of lifetime achievement award or something that has a legacy of like, four whole years, that MTV is trying to make a thing to prove they can be serious even though the commercials were half for condoms and half trailers for awful, and I mean, truly, truly awful low-budget teen dramas. But it’s adorable that they try.

The thing with Beyonce is, I know I’m being manipulated emotionally. I know that. Do you think I haven’t connected the dots that amid rumors of divorce she’s showing adorable home videos and bringing her whole family, one of whom she rarely posts full-face photos of, to a meaningless award show where for some reason Jay Pharoah is still trying to make his Jay Z impression happen (even though Jay Z is actually there)?

No. I know I’m being manipulated emotionally, but it’s like I don’t even care. I’m enjoying it.

I mean LOOK AT BLUE IVY. Look at that gold dress and her little afro with a barrette in it and her calling Beyonce ‘mommy.’ Look at her do the single-ladies hand:

Am I the only one just now realizing Kelly was there? #poormichelle 

Beyonce might be Big Brother. I’m not really sure. It’s probably a logical conclusion. She’s controlling the popular opinion of an entire country, maybe even the world. If she told us to go to war with like, England, in the name of Blue Ivy because like Prince George hurt her feelings or something, you don’t think we would be all over that? You don’t think Barack and Michelle owe her a favor or two?

I’m getting off track. I’m just saying that all you need to know about the VMAs is that in lieu of anyone taking mics from Taylor Swift or defiling a foam finger, we got like 20 minutes of Beyonce brainwash. And I’m not sure I’m even mad about it.

What was your favorite part? (I mean really. HOW much did Jessie J kill it?)

*Trademark Suri’s Burn Book

Operation: Beyonce BFF, Phase 1 [Or, "I'm going to her concert."]

Click the logo above for more Beyonce News posts. (Yes, there are more.)

Friends, Romans, readers of my blog:

Saturday I am going to see THE Sasha Fierce herself LIVE IN CONCERT at the Bridgestone Arena.

I know, I know.

It's really an honor just to be in the same building as her.

It's kind of snuck up on me a bit--which is the reason you have not heard about it incessantly in my Twitter feed--but I am super excited all the same to pretend I know parts of the Single Ladies dance and do the hand gesture with all the moms in the audience when she sings it.

Sure, the tickets were expensive and we're kind of poor, but SHUT UP DAVE RAMSEY IT'S BEYONCE OKAY?

The only downside to the whole thing was that Beyonce was our "if she comes to Nashville, we're going, no matter how broke we are" artist, so once we successfully got tickets we moved on to Justin Timberlake.

Well, guess who decides to stroll into Nashville in the SAME three month period? None other than ol' JT himself. Totally rude of him.

Since we just bought a house, we let Ramsey win one this time and had to pass. So this concert had BETTER be good. I'm missing "Cry Me A River" for this.

I'm not worried though, obviously.

I'm secretly hoping that Jay Z will shirk all of his new album responsibilities and come out and sing Crazy in Love with her and little Blue Ivy will like do the Dougie in the foreground because they just love Nashville so much but you know, whatever, it's just an idea, I haven't really thought about it that much.

Unfortunately Beyonce has now taken like an Unbreakable Vow with Pepsi or something so we may be forced to support my soft drink nemesis.

SIDEBAR RANT: No, Diet Pepsi is NOT okay, waitress. Don't even try to act like it's the same thing. When we were in Orlando last month, I ordered a Diet Coke, the waitress nodded and left, and then another waitress walked up and said "Diet Pepsi?" and I had to look around like UH who ordered that crap and then have the sinking realization was for me and then sheepishly raise my hand, drenched in shame and anger. I couldn't send it back at THIS point. What would that have sounded like? "Uh actually I ordered Diet Coke, and your co-waitress--who must, by the way, take a sick pleasure in viewing others' misfortunes--knew darn well you didn't have Coke but must have figured, 'meh, it's basically the same thing." Well, let me tell you, she is NOT qualified to make that judgement call okay? So please take this sludge away from me." …yeah, that probably would've been too intense. I ended up also ordering a water.

One of my best friends and I will be there rocking homemade puffy paint shirts (DUH) as my husband graciously refrains from trying to distance himself from us (hopefully).

Here are my predictions:

Costume changes: at least 6 Wind machines in the floor of the stage: at least 2 "How y'all doin' Nashville?"s: 3 Pepsi logos: 8 infinity-trillion Minutes we have to sing "to the left, to the left" before the song starts: 3 Girls born since 1998: A LOT

If anyone is interested in reading a recap of the show, let me know in the comments. We all know I am a seasoned concert correspondent now that I went into the bunker for you on the Biebs concert. I'm willing to be that again. Y'know. If you want.

What song would you want her to play the MOST? I think "Love on Top" will be a winner, I love "End of Time" and "Get Me Bodied," and I'm hoping for a Destiny's Child medley. Fingers crossed.

Additionally, is there anything you want me to report back on that I didn't cover in my predictions above?

Beyonce and Jay-Z Go to Cuba and Apparently That's Bad

This week in Beyonce news, The Zs got a lot of flack for going to Cuba to celebrate their 5th anniversary, which evidently is a big no-no according to the State Department.

1) Who else is shocked it's been five years since they got married? I swear time goes faster for celebrities. Every time I see a rare paparazzi photo of Blue Ivy carter she's aged like 6 years.

2) Doesn't the rest of the country know who they are? They are Mr. and Mrs. Beyonce Knowles Carter, dang it, and travel sanctions do not apply to them.

If anything I would think this would help our relations with Cuba and maybe even bring democracy to the country. I don't know, Beyonce is powerful. Her most recent song is literally called "Bow Down." I'm willing to bet those girls she wrote the song for who are all thinking they're better than her but totally aren't did exactly what she said.

Plus, did you see her hair in that news clip? It screams "Y'all shut up and let me sunbathe wherever I please; I'm Beyonce effing Knowles. Also I look like an Egyptian goddess."

They are also best friends with the President of this great nation of ours and his lovely wife. Like it even matters where they go or what they do. They could moon Kim Jong Un right in the face and no one would even be mad about it.

In fact I bet we would win countries over in that very instance. Maybe half the world wouldn't even hate us anymore.

So media, State Department, I say to you: let it go. You aren't going to win this one. The worst you can possibly do is make them pay a fine anyway, and they probably won't even have bills small enough to pay it.

Jay-Z will be all like, "Uh, can you break a 10-thousand? Oh, you've never seen a 10 thousand dollar bill before? I forget only super best friends of the 'bams get to carry them. That's what I call them. The 'bams. We tight like that. We bowl in the White House. Anyway just take this 10 thousand and keep the change. Buy yourself like a banana or something." and then they go sell another billion albums, do karaoke at Sasha and Malia's slumber party and rock Blue Ivy to sleep with a song they just wrote.

I mean honestly. I'm not saying anyone is above the law, but come on. Aren't they?

On a semi-related note, what celebrity should we send in next to negotiate with North Korea? I vote anyone but Kate Gosselin.

Dear Blue Ivy Carter (a.k.a. Babyonce)

Dear Blue Ivy, Welcome to the world!

And congratulations on already becoming the youngest person to have a chart-topping hit. Your performance was moving.

I'm sure you've heard by now that your parents are quite the music moguls, and you might consider following in their footsteps. You might be tempted to whip your hair back and forth or add "lil" in front of your name. I beg you to reconsider. Don't feel pressured by society to continue the legacy your parents have established. (Though if your dance skills and vocal prowess are remotely as mind-boggling as your mom's, I'd personally like see Beyonce 2.0 at some point in our future. Just sayin'. Take the time to have a childhood, go to prom, finish school---then take the world by storm and wow us all with the combined talent of Beyonce and Jay-Z. It'd really be a shame to let that gene pool go to waste.)

I'd also like to request that, no matter how tempting it seems, you steer clear of reality television in the future. Since you are considered 2nd generation pop royalty, several shows may call your name. And you may be enticed by the fact that you'd be blazing your own trail to fame separate from your parents'. But if we've learned anything from reality T.V., it's that it is not conducive to making solid life decisions, and reality T.V. fame is like the tagalong friend to the cool kids (i.e. real fame) that no one really takes seriously. Just look at the cast of Jersey Shore (sorry if that reference is lost on you by the time you're old enough to read this).

So even if the producers get together Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's twins, Suri Cruise, and the host of children Angelina Jolie has taken under her wing and want you to round out the cast, just say no. Because you're better than that, babyonce. You're better than that.

Also, please don't listen to Watch the Throne until you're at least 16, and I'd avoid your dad's friend Kanye at all costs. Society doesn't trust him and neither do I.

Now, Blue Ivy, go forth and grace the pages of US Weekly's "Stars: They're Just Like Us!" and People Magazine for years to come. We'll be patiently awaiting your debut in 2030.

Love,

Laura

P.S. Will you talk to your mom about being my friend? I'd really appreciate you getting a good word in for me. Thanks.