Operation: Beyonce BFF, Phase 1 [Or, "I'm going to her concert."]

Click the logo above for more Beyonce News posts. (Yes, there are more.)

Friends, Romans, readers of my blog:

Saturday I am going to see THE Sasha Fierce herself LIVE IN CONCERT at the Bridgestone Arena.

I know, I know.

It's really an honor just to be in the same building as her.

It's kind of snuck up on me a bit--which is the reason you have not heard about it incessantly in my Twitter feed--but I am super excited all the same to pretend I know parts of the Single Ladies dance and do the hand gesture with all the moms in the audience when she sings it.

Sure, the tickets were expensive and we're kind of poor, but SHUT UP DAVE RAMSEY IT'S BEYONCE OKAY?

The only downside to the whole thing was that Beyonce was our "if she comes to Nashville, we're going, no matter how broke we are" artist, so once we successfully got tickets we moved on to Justin Timberlake.

Well, guess who decides to stroll into Nashville in the SAME three month period? None other than ol' JT himself. Totally rude of him.

Since we just bought a house, we let Ramsey win one this time and had to pass. So this concert had BETTER be good. I'm missing "Cry Me A River" for this.

I'm not worried though, obviously.

I'm secretly hoping that Jay Z will shirk all of his new album responsibilities and come out and sing Crazy in Love with her and little Blue Ivy will like do the Dougie in the foreground because they just love Nashville so much but you know, whatever, it's just an idea, I haven't really thought about it that much.

Unfortunately Beyonce has now taken like an Unbreakable Vow with Pepsi or something so we may be forced to support my soft drink nemesis.

SIDEBAR RANT: No, Diet Pepsi is NOT okay, waitress. Don't even try to act like it's the same thing. When we were in Orlando last month, I ordered a Diet Coke, the waitress nodded and left, and then another waitress walked up and said "Diet Pepsi?" and I had to look around like UH who ordered that crap and then have the sinking realization was for me and then sheepishly raise my hand, drenched in shame and anger. I couldn't send it back at THIS point. What would that have sounded like? "Uh actually I ordered Diet Coke, and your co-waitress--who must, by the way, take a sick pleasure in viewing others' misfortunes--knew darn well you didn't have Coke but must have figured, 'meh, it's basically the same thing." Well, let me tell you, she is NOT qualified to make that judgement call okay? So please take this sludge away from me." …yeah, that probably would've been too intense. I ended up also ordering a water.

One of my best friends and I will be there rocking homemade puffy paint shirts (DUH) as my husband graciously refrains from trying to distance himself from us (hopefully).

Here are my predictions:

Costume changes: at least 6 Wind machines in the floor of the stage: at least 2 "How y'all doin' Nashville?"s: 3 Pepsi logos: 8 infinity-trillion Minutes we have to sing "to the left, to the left" before the song starts: 3 Girls born since 1998: A LOT

If anyone is interested in reading a recap of the show, let me know in the comments. We all know I am a seasoned concert correspondent now that I went into the bunker for you on the Biebs concert. I'm willing to be that again. Y'know. If you want.

What song would you want her to play the MOST? I think "Love on Top" will be a winner, I love "End of Time" and "Get Me Bodied," and I'm hoping for a Destiny's Child medley. Fingers crossed.

Additionally, is there anything you want me to report back on that I didn't cover in my predictions above?

Beyonce and Jay-Z Go to Cuba and Apparently That's Bad

This week in Beyonce news, The Zs got a lot of flack for going to Cuba to celebrate their 5th anniversary, which evidently is a big no-no according to the State Department.

1) Who else is shocked it's been five years since they got married? I swear time goes faster for celebrities. Every time I see a rare paparazzi photo of Blue Ivy carter she's aged like 6 years.

2) Doesn't the rest of the country know who they are? They are Mr. and Mrs. Beyonce Knowles Carter, dang it, and travel sanctions do not apply to them.

If anything I would think this would help our relations with Cuba and maybe even bring democracy to the country. I don't know, Beyonce is powerful. Her most recent song is literally called "Bow Down." I'm willing to bet those girls she wrote the song for who are all thinking they're better than her but totally aren't did exactly what she said.

Plus, did you see her hair in that news clip? It screams "Y'all shut up and let me sunbathe wherever I please; I'm Beyonce effing Knowles. Also I look like an Egyptian goddess."

They are also best friends with the President of this great nation of ours and his lovely wife. Like it even matters where they go or what they do. They could moon Kim Jong Un right in the face and no one would even be mad about it.

In fact I bet we would win countries over in that very instance. Maybe half the world wouldn't even hate us anymore.

So media, State Department, I say to you: let it go. You aren't going to win this one. The worst you can possibly do is make them pay a fine anyway, and they probably won't even have bills small enough to pay it.

Jay-Z will be all like, "Uh, can you break a 10-thousand? Oh, you've never seen a 10 thousand dollar bill before? I forget only super best friends of the 'bams get to carry them. That's what I call them. The 'bams. We tight like that. We bowl in the White House. Anyway just take this 10 thousand and keep the change. Buy yourself like a banana or something." and then they go sell another billion albums, do karaoke at Sasha and Malia's slumber party and rock Blue Ivy to sleep with a song they just wrote.

I mean honestly. I'm not saying anyone is above the law, but come on. Aren't they?

On a semi-related note, what celebrity should we send in next to negotiate with North Korea? I vote anyone but Kate Gosselin.

Hey Girl, Happy Balumtine'th Day

In honor of Valentine's day (and also stealing ideas from other blogs I read), I present you with my very own Hey Girl photo, featuring my husband, Craig:  

Those bowls ARE awesome. So sweet of him to notice.

Happy Balumtine'th Day everyone!

ALSO:

BEYONCE NEWS briefs for anyone who cares:

1) Her documentary "Life Is But A Dream" will premiere on HBO this Saturday night. Please tape it for me if you have HBO. (What? No one owns a VCR or uses the phrase "tape it" anymore? 2013's got nothing on 1996.) You can rest assured I will be exhausting all my resources (and friends who are tired of me mooching off their DVR) to ensure I get to see this thing.

2) Our favorite diva songstress is gracing our city with her presence come July, and thanks to the fact that I qualified for a presale and have a birthday in June I've already cashed in my present for, we will officially be there, y'all. And this time I won't even be on the very last row sitting against the wall like we were for T-swizzle. No no, my friend. Section 105, sucka. Let the countdown begin.

What are you doing for Valentine's Day? (Or how are you boycotting it?)

Beyonce News: The Greatest Week of All Time

 Disclaimer: I know it's Monday and I'm usually not a Monday poster, but I really just could NOT hold it in any longer.

Guys, this has been a monumental week in Beyonce news. I almost can't believe my luck. It's like she knows my duty to report to the people all things Beyonce. It's days like these that really remind us why we do what we do, you know?

So as you probably know, Beyonce announced last week that Destiny's Child is BACK and going to put out an album. In fact, it is already out to preorder. So THIS IS HAPPENING. Not just speculation. If you pre-order it, it will come.

And as if THAT weren't enough, it was also announced that they are performing TOGETHER at the Super Bowl.

So not only do we get Beyonce at the Super Bowl, a decidedly monumental improvement from the last few years' wardrobe malfunctions and bands with singers who can't carry a tune anymore, but we get Destiny's Child.

I just...the world is finally getting on board with being awesome, you know? It's like our endurance through the years of novelty rap songs, Cher and Madonna's comebacks, and Christina's "Dirrrty" phase were all leading up to this one moment when it would all be worth it.

Sigh. Let's just bask in it for a moment.

It's kind of like Beyonce was just like, "Aw, Kanye, you and Kim are having a baby? That's adorable. I did that a year ago and now I'm fulfilling the dreams of an entire generation with a single performance. So, y'know, your move."

And this is all in the wake of Justin Timberlake's triumphant return to music. OH THE HUMANITY. (Which, P.S., you're welcome for that, you guys.)

Only in the case of Beyonce would any event even come close to rivaling that news.

Is 2013 going to be the best year ever? So far, DUH.

See ya 2012. You live in a world in which Justin is still in baseball movies and Beyonce is still a one-woman show. So two-thousand and late.

So IN YO FACE, Mayans. Maybe this is our reward for living past December 21.

If the President had come to my house over the weekend AND I'd gotten to play Just Dance on Kinect with Michelle Obama AND he had created a new position just for me, the Curator of American Pop Culture, AND Tina Fey wanted to go eat froyo with me and be my best friend, this would still be the best news I've heard all week.

I mean, surely they'll do a medley including Survivor, Independent Women, Bootylicious, and Say My Name, right? GAH I can't wait. Seriously y'all better hush during the halftime show this year.

Finally a reason to attend a super bowl party other than just "food" and "good company." Am I right?

What song do you most hope Destiny's Child reprises?

*Coming up on Beyonce News...still keeping an eye out for the documentary (#beyoncedocwatch2013) and of course reporting back on all superbowl halftime show OR Destiny's Child-related news! Stay tuned, sportsfans!

P.S. If anyone would like to create a catchy newsy-sounding sound effect/intro tune for my Beyonce News series (COUGHforfreeCOUGH), PLEASE do.

Speculations on Beyonce's $50 Mil Pepsi Deal

I've decided that since I talk so much about Beyonce on this here blog of mine as it is, it's high time I just embrace it and make it a thing. So without further ado, I present to you...

Your source for day-old headlines and unsolicited commentary about the world's greatest entertainer SLASH user-of-on-stage-wind-machines.

(These articles now fall into that category, whether she is the main subject or just a reference: Letter to Babyonce,  Botonists Name Fern After Lady Gaga, Um...who is casting The Talk? )

Today in Beyonce News, you may have heard that she has signed a $50 million deal with Pepsi, which is being touted as "MORE than just an endorsement" because they're going to fund her creative projects or something.

Though I'm not sure how that's entirely different, because I'm almost certain if they paid her $50 million just to be on their billboards and do a TV spot or two, the money would still be used to fund her creative endeavors (and pay for babyonce's ivy league education or…y'know…freelance spacepod decorator business. Whatever rich heirs do in 2032.)

Putting aside the fact that Beyonce probably hasn't drunk soda in over a decade, she has to know that Coke and all its subsidiaries are irrefutably, inherently better than Pepsi and its counterparts.

She's from Texas, dang it. In this case, I consider that the South, and southerners should know such things.

So admittedly I'm a little disappointed in her. But I'm willing to overlook this momentary (50-million-dollar) lapse in judgment in the hopes that something good comes of it.

This probably would have excited me:

But then I remembered I drink Diet Coke exclusively. Seriously, if a fast food restaurant has Pepsi, it's a dealbreaker for me. We will drive to the next Chic-fil-A or Burger King. (Lookin' at you, Arby's.)

So alas, I will not be able to take part in these delightful Beyonce cans.

The article does say that she will be involved creatively, so who knows what could happen next.

A short film loosely based on the inner turmoil of Destiny's Child (with not-so-subtle Pepsi logos plastered across buildings in the background)?

A vending machine where you have to learn a Beyonce dance move and perform it in order for your drink to dispense? (That one could use Kinect technology and be a triple-cross-promotion. I'm a marketing genius, you guys.)

A Pepsi-sponsored trip to Nashville for Beyonce and family where they show up at my house and we become best friends? What? I don't know. It could happen. I'm giving Pepsi lots of free publicity here, against my better judgment. (Long live Diet Coke.)

Coming up this season on... Beyonce News: The HBO documentary. Guys, this is going to be awesome. Stay tuned for updates on #beyoncedocwatch2012.

Oh, AND the Superbowl performance. GET EXCITED.

She makes it super easy to have an amateur news segment about.

Would you buy a Pepsi can with Beyonce's face on it? Why or why not?