Who I Wanted Shia LaBeouf to Be

I watched Even Stevens pretty avidly, probably long after I should've stopped. Then again, I still watch Disney Channel every now and then, but it feels kind of like going back to my high school and realizing I know none of the kids there anymore.

I thoroughly enjoyed that show. If it was on Netflix, I'd still be watching it. (NOTE TO SELF: Kickstarter to get Even Stevens on Netflix) I thought it was clever, funny, and Shia LaBeouf had good comedic instincts. I mean, come on. They once had a musical episode, and the Even Stevens movie premise was that they were on a reality show and didn't know it and TIM MEADOWS and DAVE COULIER were hosts of competing shows. So great.

When it ended, I thought, I really hope he gets to keep acting--he's got potential as a comedic actor. And, shockingly for a male Disney Channel star who didn't sing, he did get some legitimate work. I kept waiting for him to switch to comedy. Ok, he did Transformers, he'll probably try comedy. [Eagle Eye comes out] Okay NOW he'll try comedy. [Transformers 2 comes out] Ok for reals this time, he'll try comedy...

But he never did. And now, he's this:

Source

This is not who I wanted Shia LaBeouf to be. I don't think this is who we wanted anyone to be. So here is a list of attributes and/or accomplishments I wanted Shia LaBouf to represent, instead of plagiarism and creepy art exhibits:

• Do a lighthearted indie movie to establish street cred
• Burst onto the comedy scene as the kind of goofy third-man to people like Jonah Hill and Jason Segel, or totally own a bit part as a movie rental clerk who reoccurs throughout a Will Ferrell movie. I don't know. Surprise me.
• Be totally charming on Jimmy Fallon and lose to Jimmy at some game where they play ring toss with hula hoops and the cast of Saved by the Bell are the targets.
• Co-star in a comedy with someone of mid-range fame like Jake Johnson. I'd peg Shia as the goofier one, Jake as more of the straight man saying things like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" all the time.
• Try a romantic comedy with someone like Emma Stone to show his range and ability to do serious scenes.
• Reenact a "lost scene" from Even Stevens on SNL when hosting to promote "Love Is A Four Letter Word" or whatever the name of his romcom would be.
• Be the lead in a comedy, perhaps where he is a mild-mannered manager of a Fedex Office who gets mistaken for someone in an illegal situation, and he stumbles through drop-offs and stake-outs while someone like Terry Crews tries to coach him through it because he'll get in trouble with the pack leader if they realize he brought in the wrong guy.
• Eventually get a show on Fox or NBC as the lead of an ensemble cast (kind of like Andy Samberg and Brooklyn Nine-Nine). Maybe he's living in a boarding house with crazy people. Maybe he runs a dog kennel. I don't know, I'm not a showrunner. But it should've happened.

I'm so disappointed in the way this has turned out. I'm kind of hoping this is all a joke, even if it's a bad one, and he can just be like "JK YOU GUYS I'm going to be a comedic actor now and not a crazy-pants plagiarizer who made a movie based on toys and now wants to be like the insane version of Banksy or something."

We can only hope.

What do you wish Shia had done? Do you think he's crazy?

Top 5 Disney Channel Original Movies

First I'd just like to lay my cards on the table and say that I know it's possible this post could fall on deaf ears. We don't usually talk about stuff like this on TVA. I know it's not cool. And I know it's entirely possible that I may be the only one who relates. But I'm willing to take that risk in the hopes that I'm not.

Worst case scenario, everyone thinks I'm lame and I'll have to backpedal and say it was all a joke and I actually watch Downton Abbey exclusively. Best case scenario, I provide a safe haven for others like me and prove that we're not alone. This is an asylum anyway, is it not?

So here it is: I regularly watch shows intended for 12-year-olds. Disney Channel and Nickelodeon see more action than I'd care to admit in my house. Though lately, my aversion to change combined with the fact that they keep canceling my favorites (ahem, iCarly) and starting over with child actors who look like they crawled out of preschool and straight into the spotlight has seriously cut down on my roster.

ANYWAY. Due to this fact, I've also seen my fair share of Disney Channel Original Movies in my day.

In the name of strolling down memory lane (and getting things off my chest) I thought I'd present you with some of the best:

+ Motocrossed (2001)

Even though the main character in this movie (the girl) was the worst ever and had a chin dimple that would put Ben Affleck to shame, the middle school me thought the two leading men more than made up for her awkwardness. In case you were cooler than me and have never seen this, it tells the story of a family of motocross racers in which the oldest son gets injured and can no longer compete.

His twin sister decides to masquerade as a boy and compete in his place. Awkward moments ensue as she develops a crush on her competition, who is apparently terrible at gender recognition and is totally convinced she is actually her brother. Hoodwinks, pretty boys, heartwarming family moments...what more could you ask for?

+ High School Musical (preferably Vol. 3, but that came out in theaters) (2006-2008)

This movie ushered in a new era in which it could be considered moderately cool to sing. Nearly every TV show and movie Disney Channel has produced since then has included the main characters singing in some form or fashion. It also brought us Zac Efron (the best) and Vanessa Hudgens (the worst). How could one couple possibly have such disparate levels of awesomeness? Anyway. Basically I just love musicals and Zac Efron so this is easily in my top 5.

+ Smart House (1999)

Essentially this movie is a commentary on modern society in which our bent on technology will eventually be our undoing. Very Fahrenheit 451. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it and it's about a house that does everything for this family and then goes on a power trip and tries to take over their lives. That's basically the same, though.

OH MY GOSH, you guys. In Wikipedia-ing this movie to find the release year, I found this GEM of information: this movie was directed by none other than the legendary LEVAR BURTON. I will let that statement stand in its awesome glory and not tarnish it by adding anything to it. I also found out that this movie is supposedly based on a short story by Ray Bradbury. So I was totally close on my analysis.

+ Even Stevens Movie (2003)

I'm just going to go ahead and say I have a deep love for Even Stevens. I'm not even remotely ashamed of that. It was and continues to be great. The plot of the movie was that the family went on what they thought was a vacation to a deserted island but actually was a reality show (a la Survivor) and all their friends back home were watching.

The producer of the show (played by Tim Meadows, guys) basically goes all Hunger Games (or Truman Show?) on them and manipulates all the external factors to test their patience and make good TV. Also Dave Coulier makes an appearance. It's funny, touching and everything Even Stevens should be.

+ Wish Upon A Star (1996)

First and foremost, it has to be mentioned that Katherine Heigl starred in this movie. Katherine Heigl. Basically it's a story of the-grass-is-always-greener in which two sisters secretly wish to be each other simultaneously, and it works. Then they have to live life as each other until they learn to love themselves or something like that.

It's very Freaky Friday. But it has Katherine Heigl in it. And the sister is totally the rebellious girl with the knife-pen (Harley's sister) that Corey tries to date in Boy Meets World. It's 90's fabulous in every way, right down to Katherine's tiny patent leather backpack.

What's your favorite DCOM? (Or...how 'bout that MacGonagall in Downton Abbey? She's pretty mean, right?)