How I Met Your Mother Cast Plays "Finish That Line"

As we near ever closer to the long-awaited last season of How I Met Your Mother, we all have mixed feelings. Hope, that our dedication to the show even in the slow years will pay off. Anxiety that it won't. Exhaustion, ready to get it over with and take the show off our season pass list once and for all. And a nostalgic happiness, excited to see these characters again that we've known for so long. EW editors must be feeling the same way, because the cast was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly recently. During the photoshoot they played a rousing game of "Finish that Line," in which the cast tries to finish lines that have been said on the show.

Click the photo below to view Cobie Smulders and Neil Patrick Harris play, then Allison Hannigan and Jason Segel.

BONUS SUPER LIGHTING VIDEO:

The new mother, Cristin Milioti plays, too.

Are you excited for HIMYM to come back or just ready to be done with it?

Snap Judgement: Broadchurch

Warning: This post contains spoilers, but only from the pilot episode. So basically you're safe unless you just don't want to know what the show is about in any capacity.

In case you haven't yet figured it out, I'm a tiny bit obsessed with Doctor Who. There is a three-inch vinyl TARDIS sitting on my desk at home, and I definitely own a T-shirt that says "Bowties Are Cool." So, I guess I'm that person now.

And Doctor Who is a gateway British show.

Soon enough I'm testing the waters with Sherlock, which (spoiler alert) was also amazing in a totally different way (another show you should be putting on your Netflix queue immediately). I'm not sure really what to do now since new episodes don't reach us from across the pond until next year, even though they are totally putting them out in the UK in the fall. Totally unfair, if you ask me. AMERICANS ARE PEOPLE TOO, OKAY, BBC?

Then I find out that David Tennant is starring in a new TV show, and Arthur Darvill, who played Rory in Doctor Who, is also in it. WHAT. (A lot of Doctor Who actors show up in Sherlock, or even minor characters show up as major characters later. BBC is clearly not concerned with audience confusion on that. I'm not complaining.)

SIDEBAR: I just found out this show on ITV, which is NOT the same as BBC. Are not all UK shows on BBC? This is probably why they withhold things from us.

The show is called Broadchurch, and it's a crime drama featuring David Tennant as Detective Inspector Alec Hardy. The pilot starts us off with a mysterious death of a child in a town called Broadchurch, in which they found his body on a beach early in the morning.

DI Hardy comes in as the new guy with some possibly-questionable background (the "Sandbrook case" was mentioned subtly a few times), and definitely some issues of his own I'm sure will unfold as the show goes on.

DI Hardy rocks the 5 o'clock shadow, shaggy hair, I've-been-up-all-night-so-don't-mess-with-me vibe, which is a fun departure from Doctor Who for David Tennant. Plus he uses his regular, more Scottish accent, which helps take him away from the character I know and love and into this new one. He's brooding, serious. Straight to the point. It's easy to tell he's seen some things in his lifetime.

Second to him we have detective Ellie Miller, who used to have Hardy's job. We find out very quickly that her son was very good friends with the boy who died, Danny. Her reaction to the death is heart-wrenching and true-to-life. It seems that she will be Number 2 in this show, and I think she will great to watch.

Additionally in the cast we have Danny's parents, grandmother, and sister, who were fantastic as well, particularly Danny's mother, Beth. Her reactions were even more heart-wrenching than Ellie's.

On top of the community's dealing with Danny's strange and suspicious death, we have the media. The constant tension between respecting the family's privacy and breaking news in a town where nothing typically happens is a huge player in the pilot, keeping you locked in the whole time. A young reporter, Olly Stevens, chooses to share the name of the victim to the world via Twitter and single-handedly ruins the trust between the investigative team and the family as well as introduces the family to the world. Sure, the whole mentioning-Twitter-on-TV thing is always a bit weird for me, almost like breaking the 4th wall, but it was true to life, and I thought they did it well without over-emphasizing it. I was literally yelling at the TV. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS, OLLY. DON'T DO IT. UGH. YOU DID IT? YOU ARE THE WORST EVER OF ALL TIME.

Overall I thought the storyline was intriguing without being graphic, which I appreciate, and definitely compelling. The show very subtly opened up so many possible routes for suspects--it could literally be anyone in such a close-knit town--and gave very strategic but minimal details on what might have happened to Danny, so I am absolutely going to keep watching to figure it out. The best thing about this show so far, to me, is how true-to-life it seems. That's what makes it so heart-wrenching and fascinating. Nothing is black and white, and nothing is overdone or heavy-handed. The acting seems genuine. It all feels like this could really happen. Which is why my heart was beating about 40 percent faster after the episode ended.

I prescribe an episode of Parks and Rec in between watching this show and sleeping. At least for those of you who, like me, watch very few dramas.

David Tennant is fantastic in his new role. He's definitely not The Doctor, but he's perfect as DI Hardy. Though I would probably watch that guy play any role. Even a mini-series about Barty Crouch, Jr. Maybe.

Other fun casting choices in this episode included seeing Filch (of Harry Potter fame) as the man in charge of Danny's paper route and seeing Arthur Darvill play a priest of some sort.

All available episodes are on iTunes, and the first one is FREE, y'all. So go try it out and report back.

Have you tried Broadchurch yet? What did you think? If not, will you?

3 Reasons Why Ann and Chris Leaving Parks and Recreation Is a Bad Idea

You guys, it's finally starting to feel like fall, if only for a brief hour in the mornings. But you know what that means…our shows are coming back soon!

Oh, glorious day! Sweep those cobwebs out of your DVR because it's about to be full again, and you're going to have to choose between The Voice and the fifth episode of that new Andy Samberg show you're still not sure about but wanted to give a try (unless you have one of those fancy DVRs that records like 8 shows at once. On different TVs. What's it like to live in that kind of luxury?)

Anyway, with new seasons unfortunately come changes, and as much as I don't like change, I've had to embrace it a lot over the years: the loss of Michael Scott, Waverly and Santiago disappearing, Dan killing Keith…all of which left me sad and confused.

This one, while less dramatic, is still going to shake up one of my favorite shows: Rob Lowe (Chris Traeger) and Rashida Jones (Ann Perkins) are leaving Parks and Rec after 13 episodes this season.

I'm hoping this isn't a direct result of the post I wrote about the problem with Ann Perkins, but you never know. XB is the voice of the people (sorry, people).*

I'm not really sure how to feel, but my general sentiment is that I will miss Chris but not Ann.

Chris, when used in moderation, is fantastic. I have grown to really enjoy him, and I think they've fleshed his character out well without compromising it by going too deep with him.

Ann, however, is pretty much boring all the time always.** She has no quirks. She has no opinions of her own. She's just kind of a space-filler.

But here is why I think they should stay (partially for their own good):

1) It's only downhill from here for them. Does either one of them think they are going to find a steady gig as good as this one? According to one article I read, for some reason Parks and Rec decided Rashida was empirically not-boring enough that they wanted to hire her right away for the cast. I don't think she's going to get that kind of chance again. She was already kind of boring in The Office, but some of the characters in The Office are supposed to be boring so that they are normal in light of the others. I don't think this is the case with Parks & Rec. She was basically just a sounding board for Leslie when she talked about Ben. A side-kick, even. But now [spoiler alert] Leslie and Ben are married. No need for her anymore. Sooner or later people are going to realize Rashida is boring and not hire her for anything else.

And Rob Lowe? I'm kind of surprised he got a steady gig like this at all after having a lot of success in the 80's. It obviously does happen--let's call it Neil Patrick Harris-ing--but it's the exception, not the rule. (You hear me, Corey Feldman? Stay away.) I'm nervous that he won't be able to make it happen again. Plus I'll just miss him more than Ann, despite what he continued to perpetuate in society by hammering in the whole "literally" thing. (Don't get me started on the Google definition. However, I do think by doing so, Parks and Rec brought it to light and made fun of it, almost in a satirical way, which I loved.)

2) The whole baby thing coinciding with their departure is kind of a cop-out, right? Any characters that have babies on sitcoms inevitably have to deal with the consequences of trying to work a baby into the script to be realistic enough to seem like they are actually taking care of their kid without letting the baby be those characters' main storyline. I want to see Parks and Rec try to do that. Andy and April got married very early on in the series and are still high-functioning characters in the show without being lame. I think Parks and Rec could make the baby thing happen in a non-lame way. You don't get to just have a baby and leave. That's not how we raised you, Ann and Chris. And we won't allow it.

3) Meeting new characters is hard. I don't like change. I just don't. While I do trust the people casting Parks and Rec, because they have brought in some GEMS over the years (Jean Ralphio's sister? Just stop it. So perfect.), I'm nervous to see who (if anyone) they bring in. They've got to add at least one more. It will feel a little empty if they don't. But I'm really hoping they just bring in one and give Donna more of a role, because she is fantastic and underrated. Plus pretty much all the SNL actors have already had cameos, so we're running out of options here.

Who do you want to see in a recurring role on Parks & Rec? Do you support my more-Donna suggestion? How do you feel about Chris and Ann leaving?

*this is a direct plagiarism from Conan O'Brien's twitter bio. **this is a direct plagiarism from 30 Rock's "Everything Sunny All The Time Always" episode.

5 Reasons Why You Should Be Watching Doctor Who

Doctor Who. It's a thing now, whether you like it or not. So let's just talk about it. I feel like enough traction has been gained surrounding this show for me to gush about it now without being met with blank stares.

Well, you will be staring blankly, because this is the Internet, but I'll pretend you're smiling and nodding enthusiastically with every word.

Today I'm going to tell you five reasons you should be watching Dr. Who.

If you've never heard of it, or you have heard of it but don't understand what the gibberish is all about, it's a British sci-fi show about a 900-year-old alien who travels through time and space saving the day. GIVE ME A MINUTE TO EXPLAIN.

The alien--a Time Lord, to be specific--goes by the name of The Doctor. No one knows his actual name, hence "Doctor Who?"

He has a time machine called the TARDIS that looks like a blue phone booth (technically a "police box"), which can travel anywhere in time and space. Therefore he can go to Rome in 84 B.C., then an unpronounceable planet in 8000 A.D., then China in 1975 and it all works because, long story short, the TARDIS can basically do anything and is indestructible.

He also travels with a companion, almost always female, almost always pretty. He travels to random places and times, finds things that are amiss and fixes them. For the most part.

On to the reasons you should be watching it:

1) The character of the Doctor. This is first and foremost the reason anyone connects with Dr. Who. Probably. I haven't conducted a poll.

But The Doctor -- his personality, thoughts, feelings, experiences--is what makes a British sci-fi show about aliens totally relatable. The Doctor has lived hundreds of years. He has had many friends come and go, particularly humans who don't live for 900 years and/or decide they just want to live a normal life that, y'know, DOESN'T involve almost dying at the hands of psychotic aliens on a weekly basis. And often in his attempts to save some people, he has inadvertently killed others.

Because of the power he has, he is constantly having to make terribly difficult decisions. He's the epitome of a tragic, flawed hero. He's captivating and brilliant and funny and heartbreaking all at the same time, and I adore it. And you will too.

2) Matt Smith and David Tennant. Technically this show has been on for nearly 50 years, and there have been 11 incarnations of the Doctor. This is possible because Time Lords can regenerate when they are dying, giving the writers of the show the perfect way to keep it going with new actors.

I was introduced to the show with Matt Smith, the 11th Doctor (pictured above), so Matt will always have the number one spot in my heart. He's charming and adorable, but he also carries the weight of an old man who has seen far too much in his life perfectly. He hunches a bit, wrings his hands and says old man types of things, but with a youthful spirit. Plus, that man can deliver a monologue like no one else. I adore him and he will always be my favorite Doctor.

Exhibit A: David Tennant as the Tenth Doctor

Most people I meet (on the Internet) adore David Tennant in much the same way. He is what will turn your casual interest in Dr. Who to an all-out obsession in a matter of episodes. Most people start with number 9, when the show was rebooted in 2005, but he was only okay, so David Tennant wins them over. He's also charming, but in a bit of a nerdier sense. Where Smith is more of a professor, Tennant is more of a scientist. (This description has not been validated by anyone except yours truly.) Tennant will capture your heart, and you will have to pay for a few therapy sessions when he leaves. So start saving now.

Matt leaves in December of this year, so I am collecting donations for the amount of therapy I will require then.

Both are incredible actors, and largely the reason for the widespread success of Dr. Who in my opinion.

3) Fantastic story lines. I think this is particularly the case in Matt Smith's era, but in each episode and across the season, the storyline is intriguing and usually brilliant. There's an element of mystery as you try to figure out, along with the Doctor, what is amiss and why. The "enemies" he comes across are complex--not just monsters with no capacity for reason. Except the Daleks.* They're just the worst.

Exhibit A: Dalek.

The Doctor, being generally against outright violence, is often put in a hard spot trying to amicably resolve conflict between two opposing forces.

Additionally the Doctor's own story is fascinating --things he must do and must never do, facing his past, facing his future, losing companions and friends--all a part of his grander journey. Even compelling are the stories of the historical figures and myths he interacts with. One of the show's most popular episodes focuses on Vincent Van Gogh, whose troubled character in and of himself will draw you in.

4) Recurring characters. Dr. River Song, Madame Vastra, Jenny, Strax, Captain Jack, all of his companions…these are people you cheer for when you see again. And the best part is, you probably will see them again. Even if you didn't like them very much, you'll cheer, because you're so invested in them. They are friends of the Doctor, who are few and far between, but unwaveringly loyal. They're all honorable and brave in their own way, and some give the Doctor a run for his money, which he needs every once and a while to knock him down a peg.

5) Because you will finally know what everyone is talking about on the Internet. TARDIS, "Allons-y!", "Bowties are cool," Daleks, "Hello Sweetie," random 3D glasses, "Don't Blink," Fezes, a weird wand looking thing called a sonic screwdriver…all of these phrases and pictures will make sense to you now. Sure, it will mean you're a total nerd, but don't worry, you're in good company.

In conclusion, Dr. Who will play to your whimsical side, enthrall you, make you laugh, make you cry…usually all in one episode. That is why you should be watching Dr. Who.

Oh and because Matt Smith.

All seasons beginning from 2005 are on Netflix besides the most recent one, which you can buy on iTunes. So NO EXCUSES.

Some of my favorite episodes to bookmark: Vincent and the Doctor, A Good Man Goes to War, The Lodger, The Doctor's Wife

*basically glorified R2D2-looking things with slimy octopus guys inside that have no sense of any emotion apart from hate and the will to destroy anything to keep the Daleks supreme. Oh and they talk like a YakBak that has been crushed by a steel-toed boot and just keeps repeating "EX-TER-MIN-ATE" over and over again.

If you've watched Dr. Who, which is your favorite Doctor and why? If not, when are you going to start watching it? Today right? During your lunch break?

DWTS Recap: Farting the Salsa

Aaaaand we're back!

Again, apologies for missing last week but I think my brain and emotional well-being fairs better if I take a break every now and then. Plus I did my first podcast last week, which I think should totally make up for it.

This week is LATIN WEEK you guys. I can't tell you how I know that other than the fact that they repeated it about 17 times per minute.

That means this episode is going to be a very special kind of terrible.

I'm immediately validated in my assumption because this week features GRAMMY AWARD WINNING LATIN SUPERSTAR….Juanes, I want to say? I mean honestly what was Ricky Martin doing besides caring for twins? I'm asking.

They remind us again it's LATIN NIGHT.

Everyone descends the staircase to the cheesy intro music and I really wish I knew who composed this song so I could give them a swift kick in the pants. It truly is the worst. It was probably the band leader they make us thank every week for being terrible.

Inigo Montoya is still here, Aly looks like a peacock, Bruno is dancing FAR too much to this music over at the judge's table as per us', Jacoby shimmies a lot, and Zendaya throws up her trademark gang symbol because she's so hard. I did find out (definitely NOT by stumbling upon her Twitter page) that she does that symbol as a Z for Zendaya so DON'T WORRY GUYS she's not a Blood or anything. She's just good at branding.

"Tonight our contestants are going to do a LATIN dance performed by a LATIN song by LATIN grammy award winner Juanes and did I mention that it's LATIN night?"

YES, host guy, AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU DID.

Adding another layer to this cluster of awful that is this episode is the fact that there are TWO rounds. If you get the best grade in the first round you get immunity this week and don't have to dance the second round, which is [wait for it] a DANCE-OFF.

Y'all this is really happening. I hope it's just like Step Up. Or what I assume Step Up is like because I never saw it.

JACOBY JONES.

Here we get to be reminded just how badly the band butchered Stevie Wonder songs last week even though Stevie Wonder was ACTUALLY THERE. I mean honestly did he have to sit through this nonsense? He CAN hear, you know.

Anyway, according to Jacoby's partner, this week it is ESPECIALLY important to be good because only ONE couple gets immunity. As opposed to every other week when 14 people get immunity? Sigh. Just dance, Katrina. No one wants to hear you say things.

Katrina ignores my advice and throws out the non-word SNAPADOODLE and I really wish she would just stop talking.

Jacoby tries to do a lift and Katrina is all, "Grab my legs, Jacoby, not my arms. [grabs her arms] My legs. [grabs a different part of her arms] MY LEGS."

Sigh. Football players, AM I RIGHT?

She kicks him in a face a lot, he makes a joke with poor comedic timing, and he takes a day off to recover from both [DUN DUN DUN]. Will they still learn the FOUR dances they have to do this week? Let's find out.

They fake playing Latin-themed percussion for a minute (because it's LATIN WEEK you guys) they do a lot of spins and at the end it looks like he caught her head with his crotch as she slid under but OH IT WAS ON PURPOSE. I literally gasped, so I guess it worked?

The audience seems to be OVERJOYED at the pure magnificence displayed before them.

Len: "Was that an earthquake or did you just rock this place?"

Sigh. Who gives him these lines?

He says it was good but TOO MUCH LIFTS for his taste.

Mama Jones gets ANGRY in the audience and does the Barney Stinson watching-you motion.

"SOMETHING FIESTA SOMETHING SOMETHING" Bruno goes on and on and thrusts a lot an he is wearing a blue suit and people are screaming and I'm just super overwhelmed. It's sensory overload here.

"I loved it." - Bruno. Shocking.

Girl Judge: "It's like you could FART the salsa. It's like, man, that guy FARTS salsa."

And she looks around like "RIGHT? AM I RIGHT?" and everyone's just like "ew, Carrie. Ew."

The host literally says "Really?" Am I the only one picturing like Pace salsa coming out of someone's butt? I'm done here.

Girl host is totally appalled and says that ladies are NOT supposed to say that word but let's face it, fart jokes are funny across the board.

"My grandma says if you keep in it, you gon' die, so I let it out."- Jacoby

His partner looks MORTIFIED. What is even happening on this show anymore? Is this still on TV?

Girl host says talking about such things is NOT good for "all of us back here" which I assume to mean…hosts? It reflects badly on them? Are their reputations REALLY on the line here? They are hosting DWTS and ol Tom over there goes rogue every 15 minutes so I really don't think she has any grounds to be upset at a little fart talk at this point.

He gets 9s and the host reminds us it's LATIN NIGHT again but also adds "or what we like to call Carrie Ann-over-sharing-night" which makes me actually like him for once.

INIGO MONTOYA is apparently doing a Nacho Libre salsa, whatever that is.

Back from commercial and some people named Emma and Sasha are dancing for no reason I guess to give Juanes something to do because he is singing his little heart out up there.

YOU GUYS. There are currently animated flames coming out of Inigo's head. ANIMATED FLAMES.

Seriously if this show had any dignity left, it is now in the pooper.

OMG they are showing scenes from his General Hospital days and it is the most 90's fabulous thing I have ever seen.

In rehearsal Inigo's partner is wearing a flowy dress with a bikini top underneath, paired with legwarmers. I mean honestly get it together, KIM.

Inigo informs us that since the Rumba is very romantic and sexy he should be good at it because he's been doing that for the last 18 years (on a soap).

Y'ALL they dance to Maria, Maria by Marc Anthony. Way to earn your 9-cent royalty, Marc Anthony. Keep milking that one hit for all it's worth.

Inigo rocks a fedora and the singer is all "played by Car-los San-tan-aaaaa" …NOT. Why didn't the singer replace the name of the band member? "played by Pa-uuuul Fendermannnnn" totally works. Or he could just say "played by aCarlosSantanaImpersonatorrrrrr…." I'm just saying. It wasn't accurate.

The dance is far too long and boring but the song does take me back to 1999 so that's helping.

THE KID FROM SHAKE IT UP IS HERE TO WATCH ZENDAYA. Sorry not sorry that I knew that.

Is it just me or does Inigo's partner remind you of a skinner, more provocative Renee Zelwegger? Is that how you spell Zelwegger? Why does she have such a weird last name? I'm getting off track.

Anyway Bruno is all "They say that hips don't lie! In your case, I weeesh they deeed!"

ZING.

Man, he's standing again. He stands up whether he likes the dance or not. Apparently Inigo didn't move his hips enough and is THINKING too much.

People boo and the host is all "Heh, did you guys take BOOING LESSONS before you got here?" and everyone thought this was HILARIOUS and I want to jump out a window.

Tomorrow night the dancer who lost her foot in the Boston Marathon bombing is coming by and DWTS hopes to be "part of her recovery" and I just want to tell her to stay as far away as possible because DWTS will ruin any good thing she has going for her in her life because they are the WORST.

Inigo says his character on General Hospital would've given him an 8 which is great news considering what a dance aficionado "Jax" is.

Scores: 7,8,7

Bruno dropped his paddle when he was saying his score and host guy is like "Bruno lost his paddle, joining the MARBLES he lost in Season 1." [insert dramatic eye-roll here]

Seriously just stay with the script, TOM.

SIDE NOTE: is anyone else super creeped out by how intense Juanes is?? He's like a Latin Uncle Jesse only more intimidating.

I guess he is just entertaining people during commercial breaks because the profesh dancers are the only ones dancing while he performs.

Meanwhile a GOLF CART drives by in the background carrying Zendaya and some other dancers and WHY is everything in this show so painfully unnecessary??

Kellie & Derek next.

Apparently they got 10's last week and Len said it was the best dance he's seen on season 16 and all I can think about is the fact that we have let this go on for SIXTEEN SEASONS without shutting it down.

In the interview, Kellie is literally wearing a shirt that has "ALABAMA" emblazoned across the chest and says that "gitting a tee-un from lee-un" was so great last week.

This week she has three concerts (REALLY KELLIE? COMMIT, OKAY?) so Derek has to go on the road with her which makes me laugh. Did they like bunk up in the tour bus and eat cereal together and did he come to her shows and stuff? I need to know what this experience was like.

"We're gonna be dancin' zawmbies Monday naght." - Kellie

OH NO THEY DIDN'T. THEY ARE DANCING TO "SHAKE YOUR BON BON."

They really should rename this episode "Throwback to the late 90's Latin Explosion" night.

They hip swivel and thrust a lot and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable AGAIN. I should probably just start a drinking game or something for every time I feel uncomfortable but 1) I don't like alcohol and 2) I'm pretty sure I'd be too drunk to take notes after like the third dance.

It turns into some kind of interpretive dance for a quick minute and then they do a super impressive ending, not gonna lie.

Streamers fall from the ceiling when their dance ends which I think shows a little favoritism on the producers' part. I mean come on where were Jacoby's streamers?

LOLOL Carrie literally has to say "Kellie…Kellie…focus" before she starts talking. Basically she says that Kellie lacks the emotional connection.

Len says it was a "mix of bootie, bounce and bongos." SERIOUSLY with the lines. Who is writing this nonsense? Len thought it was BRILLIANT so apparently Carrie is being kind of a hard-ass tonight and everyone hates her because she is the only one saying anything negative so far.

"You shook MY bon bons!" - Bruno

[insert shot of alcohol here]

Girl hosts asks Kellie if they actually did feel like zombies tonight and Kellie starts to say something but Derek totally hijacks the interview and is all like "WE HAD FUN [to audience] DID Y'ALL HAVE FUN???" like he's trying to cover up her answer because they actually are zombies and she was about to blow their cover or something.

Grades: 9,10,10.

Derek is ashamed about going shirtless in front of his grandparents but shouldn't we all just live each day as if our grandparents are watching? EH, DWTS?? Let's tone down the questionable behavior.

OH NO ANDY IS WEARING A PINEAPPLE ON HIS HEAD AND IS EMERGING FROM UNDER A TABLE.

This can't be good.

Andy Dick.

Andy is wearing a bright yellow vest.

Bruno called their performance last week a "personality-driven SHAMBLE of a samba," which I'm thinking can't be good.

"Sharna and I are in the pack of scraggly coyotes…" - Andy

I just…Does anyone even know what he's talking about anymore?

Sharna: You gotta get a LITTLE bit sexual baby, it's a Rumba. Andy: Ok, don't get mad if you fall in love with me!

Things I've learned so far this episode 1) Rumbas are supposed to be romantic and sexy and 2) Andy Dick is neither.

EWW he is kissing and fondling her leg.

[insert shot here]

People are still clapping to a non-clappable song. THIS IS NOT A THING, you guys.

Ew Andy is beckoning her like he's a serial killer.

There are SMALL CHILDREN in the front row. Why are we letting them watch this??

Len says it wasn't erotic enough and I'm wondering what planet he is on. Maybe he went to get Starbucks during the dance because they take so freaking long.

Bruno wishes he could forget it but they appreciate how much he TRIED (wah-wahhhh). This is becoming a theme.

Carrie says he has dead arms.

"I'm moving like a dancer…in LIFE" - Andy "[awkward eye shifting] Errr…I love you Andy…" - host girl

Grades: 5,6,6

Everyone goes "AWWW" and makes it 500 percent worse and Andy takes it upon himself to say that "gives him the ol' sour face." UGH. MOVING ON.

In this random setup we have the three professionals dressed as a mariachi band and Zendaya, Sean and Aly are sitting at a nearby table trying to look like they don't want to die.

Sean's not really succeeding.

Back from commercial and UGH make this Juanes guy stop singing and bring back Stevie freaking Wonder.

Emma needs to TONE IT DOWN. She is STILL in dancing character just walking up to Juanes and waiting for the real people who matter to start talking.

Aly Raisman.

Aly is wearing blue eyeshadow and I hate it.

Mark's pants have leopard print pockets which are never explained and Aly hurts his neck. He has trouble moving and they show him at the doctor (OH NOOOO).

But don't worry guys he doesn't sacrifice style in the most dire of situations, as evidenced by his wearing of a fedora at the doctor's office. The doctor says it will be a MIRACLE if he performs (FORESHADOWING Y'ALL).

They show Aly and Mark at Mark's apartment. STRANGER DANGER, ALY! You are 18!

"I hate the feeling of you out there with someone else." - Mark

Um, is something going on here we need to be aware of? I'm asking.

Aly has to dance with dumb ol' Henry in the mean time but don't worry Mark is THERE you guys.

The dance starts off with Aly behind a legit fruitstand called "Raisman's Fruit Fiesta" I mean HONESTLY how much time and effort is being spent on these sets??

I used to like Aly but now all I see is a bunch of bouncing and mouth-opening and over-the-top facial expressions and a lot of fringe.

Y'all that looks like real fruit in the fruit stand. Did they waste that just for this?

People are going CRAY over this dance and I'm not really sure why. I guess they fell for the ol' fringe and bouncing routine.

"You SPICE UP MY LIFE!" - Bruno

WHOA WHOA WHOA was that a Spice Girls reference? I like him a trillionth of a percent more now.

NOPE he's still talking and saying things like "tutti fruiti tropical delicious blah blah blah hyperbole blah blah blah" and humping the table.

[insert another shot here]

Carrie loves it and she starts dancing AT Len which sets off Bruno and it's pandemonium at the judges' table while they both terrorize Len who, surprisingly, is becoming the most sane person at the table just by observing regular social norms.

Len analogizes it to a Tequila Sunrise and I'm done here.

In the post-dance interview Aly says something about HAVING FUN because that's what people always say. I hate post-anything interviews.

Grades: 10,9,10

Sean Lowe.

Peta is upset AND bummed about last week.

SIDE NOTE: Noooo sweet Victor went home! SERIOUSLY somebody voted in Andy Dick over Victor the precious boxer? I don't understand anything about life anymore.

"I have to pretend I'm in love, and that's a struggle because I don't have romantic feelings for Peta."

AHHH is anyone else having nostalgic flashbacks at Sean's use of the term "romantic feelings?" I miss the Bachelor. It is better than this show. And that is saying something.

YAY CATHERINE TIME!

Catherine comes in to help Sean be romantic and sexy or something but I JUST LOVE THEM OMG.

"I feel like I shouldn't be watching this." - Peta

Okay so go away and let Catherine dance instead. Like anyone would even be mad.

Catherine gets embarrassed at the sexy dance because she is the greatest.

Tom reminds us that tonight we are graced with the presence of a "leading all-Spanish-language Rock Superstar" which is NOT A THING.

OMG they are dancing to "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias. So great. The only Latin music America has was released in that three year period and then it died so that's all they have to pull from.

He actually does really well and I'm SUPER proud. Like more proud than I should be. Let's get Catherine in there every week. She mouths "that was beautiful" at the end and I still want to be her friend.

Carrie was impressed and apparently takes notes in a moleskine and I'm noticing Len has some kind of peasant spiral-bound nonsense. Seriously ABC spring for some quality notebooks. Don't make them bring their own from home.

Len says he was wooden and his hands were FLAPPING away and everyone boos again and he says he is not going to speak anymore because he is offended by a booing woman but no one's mad about it.

Bruno calls it "a vision in gray…fifty shades of SHOWN."

[insert shot here]

He adds that sometimes Sean sticks his butt out and it looks like he's going to the toilet. (He's not wrong.)

It's Catherine's birthday and Sean gets 8's and all is well with the world.

ZENDAYA TIME.

She's supposed to do the pasa doble which we learned from previous episodes is like super hard or something.

Mark says it's all about intensity which is what he does best and Zendaya says he probably eats breakfast intensely.

AGAIN WITH THE NAILS, ZENDAYA. Get those things under control. It's dangerous.

She starts with castanets and I just found out I can't spell castanets.

He was right, it's super intense, but the dance is awesome because duh it's Zendaya.

"Darling you look like an angel; you dance like a fury." True Bruno nonsense, ladies and gentlemen.

He adds to keep her CHEEN UP and so does Len.

Tom asks us to give it up for the band but I refuse because they suck at life.

Zendaya gets 9's and girl host asks Mark about being intense eating breakfast and he replies some nonsense about doing the best you can taking out the garbage and loving dancing.

Zendaya says "you know what I mean?" a lot and I'm pretty sure they're stalling right now because they usually rush the heck out of these post-dance interviews.

Everyone has now danced and it's time to reveal the winner of ROUND 1.

But wait! It's a TIE! [an audible gasp is NOT heard in the audience]

Apparently they have a "rulebook" [its existence is yet to be verified] which makes Kellie & Derek win immunity.

Aw man, now they make us listen to Juanes while people change clothes. I'm fast forwarding because I refuse to sit through this when I have the technology not to.

Now it's time for the DANCE OFF CHALLENGE (Challenge…Challenge…)! Don't worry there's even an animation to tell us that.

Andy's coach says it's the first time he'll get picked first (because he's the worst and people will want to challenge him) which I think is hateful.

Everyone reminds us 800 times that the Rumba is the dance of LOVE but I thought they were pretty much all dances of love.

"I JUST WANNA WIN, DAMMIT." - Jacoby.

Man I just love that guy.

Aly and Mark get to pick who they want to dance with and of course they pick Andy and Sharna because duh, who wouldn't?

Andy and Sharna take about 19 minutes to pick the ChaCha and basically get played off because they don't pick fast enough and this is live television.

COMMERCIAL NOTE: I'm watching this on Hulu but there is a commercial staring former DWTS contestant ….HOUSEWIFE…lady….and she's talking about "I cahn't believe it's not butt-tah." It takes a lot to be a step backwards from DWTS but I'd say she's achieved it.

Back from commercial and we are informed that this challenge gets you EXTRA JUDGES POINTS!!!

…wait…don't people vote for this show? So like everything is made up and the points don't matter, just like Whose Line is it Anyway? This is pure nonsense.

"HERE HAVE THREE EXTRA JUDGE'S POINTS!" -Host "What can I do with Judge's points?" - Dancer "NOTHING!" "So…." "[SMILES BLANKLY]" "[SIGH]"

YAY they dance to Karmin! OH WAIT this means it will be ruined. I hate everything.

Aly does her mouth expressions and bounces a lot again. Right now Mark should regret teaching her how to be animated.

Andy and Sharna dance to the same song only they dance at a pace about 900 times slower so of course Aly wins the challenge.

Len liked Andy's PLUCK for cheering on Aly while she was dancing. Never a good sign.

Bruno says "SOMEBODY was technically better" and Carrie says "I love you for never giving up."

Seriously this patronizing of Andy Dick has gotten way out of control. I wish he would stop acting like a sad wounded raccoon so that they would actually say something real to him.

NEW PADDLES YOU GUYS. These have NAMES.

Aly gets three judge's points which means nothing and we move on to zendaya who is wearing Chuck Taylors. I don't know if that's allowed but I approve.

They pick Jacoby & Karina because these points matter zero point zero percent and they know it.

They do the jive and Zendaya is precious and awesome as usual and Jacoby is good and does the splits and jumps over his partners head again. So now we know what his go-to moves are.

Presently Jacoby and Val are doing a splits-off.

"EET TWAS LIKE WATCHING TWO CHAMPIONS REALLY." - Bruno

He says he likes the kicks & flicks so I guess that was good.

"I applaud you for picking Jacoby because that made it a REAL battle."

Come on Carrie, that's just insensitive. Sean is RIGHT THERE.

Zendaya wins the three nonsense points and no one is surprised.

This leaves Inigo and Sean to do the Rumba which they have both already done tonight.

Why are they pushing the Rumba so hard tonight? GAH.

Of course it's a One Republic song and I think Sean has actually found his dance. Y'know, besides the butt-sticking-out thing. It's pretty much the same dance as before but high five for recycling.

Inigo DOES have the hip swivels going on so that may win it for him. Also WHY is his partner never wearing anything?

Apparently while they were dancing Carrie was filling out paperwork or something and she says she had BUSINESS to take care of which is probably her signing on for another show because this one is making her die inside.

"EET TWAS LIKE WATCHING BATTLE OF THE HAHNKS" - Bruno

Host girl: "What did you think about this challenge?" Inigo's partner: "IT WAS CRAY-ZY."

Was it? Was it really? I feel like that is a bit of an exaggeration, but then again, so is everything on this show.

Inigo: "It was fun; we actually had a dance-off kind of!"

Good because that's LITERALLY WHAT IT WAS CALLED.

YEAH BRUNO voting for Sean! Oh well the other two voted for Inigo so he wins the invisible wonder points.

LOLOL this recap of the dances is ridiculous. It's like,

BAM JACOBY BAM INIGO [insert that circusy song here] Andy Dick

It feels like time stops when he dances and everything is more painful.

Final thoughts: I don't think Aly is as good as they think she is. And YAY SEAN.

RESULTS: Andy Dick got kicked off and cried a lot and everyone felt bad for him but at some point you just have to be able to dance, okay?

DWTS Recap: Below the Belt

I know. Just...don't look directly at it.

First of all I would like to apologize to everyone who relies on my accurate and comprehensive recaps of the greatest show starring dancing comedians ever to be on TV for missing last weeks DWTS recap.

Somehow, I'm sure you carried on, but I apologize just the same.

Apparently Gleb and Housewife went home last week. Poor Gleb. Don't let this get you down, buddy. Go forth and teach other reality show "stars" how to quick-step. I'm sure it will be 100 percent worth it.

Anyway, let's get to EPISODE 5 which is the half-way point apparently so things are getting REAL. At least that's what they insisted on telling me throughout this episode.

This week is particularly cutthroat because it features LEN'S SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENGE (challenge...challenge...)! I don't know why he gets his own challenge or if he actually came up with this idea but apparently the deal is they have to dance next to professionals.

The intro begins and all the professionals are dancing in some sort of party bus scenario and then they pan to the audience and some more dancers are doing like a strip show essentially and ALL of this is happening to a Pitbull song. I mean I'm not 100 percent sure it was a Pitbull song but it made me feel just as terrible as a Pitbull song does regardless so does it really matter?

Here come the non-professionals...D.L. is thrusting again (is he really still here?), Sean is terrible as per us' but at least he tries and Aly is doing flips because she CAN, suckas. And NOOOOOO Andy is thrusting now, why is there so much thrusting in this show? I think it's the only "move" half of the guys competing can do.

Now it's the part of the show where Len is featured in a prerecorded explanation of his SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENGE EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA. It's pretty much the trippiest thing I've ever seen and is not well executed at all but basically he's floating in front of a nondescript black backround and there are TWO of him which is necessary to explain the SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENGE. He does a hip swivel with himself and it's the worst explanation ever. Also he looks like he fell asleep in a tanning booth for like 75 years.

Someone isn't wearing pants for some reason and then it's commercial time and Penelope Cruz is still pushing the NETHPRETHO thing really hard.

Inigo Montoya goes first.

Apparently he was good last week. That's all you need to know from that episode.

He is assigned the chacha which makes him hulk out during rehearsal and become nothing more than an angry thruster (again with the thrusting), which I don't think is really going to help him.

His partner tells him this is easy and synchronized and then demonstrates and YEAH that's totally easy KATRINA. Why didn't Inigo just do that before? THANKS FOR THE TIP.

Fortunately Inigo and the guy in the other professional couple (whom they will be dancing alongside in the SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENNNGGEEE) are wearing matching fedoras so I think that will help.

Inigo's goal this week is to skate by unnoticed and just make it to next week. Way to reach for the stars, Inigo. Good thing he's going first because by the time two hours of haphazard dancing goes by I've already forgotten everyone but Zendaya anyway.

OH GOSH they are dancing to Lady Marmalade. The band's track record suggests this is going to be a trainwreck of a performance.

Everyone's dressed like strippers and Inigo is not good at high kicks. But the good news is he DID practice his thrusting so it looks less angry.

And oh em gee the songs are TWICE as long this week what is even happening? I thought the show would be shorter with less dancers, but silly me, that would actually minimize the pain of watching this atrocity and we know that's not how they roll.

Girl judge says the pelvic thrusts were a hit but he needs to work on "below the belt."

This sends everyone into a tizzy and the host isn't even paying attention and his explanation after getting caught was that he's doing another show in his head. So am I, host guy. So am I.

They say "below the belt" approximately 800 times and everyone giggles because apparently we're in 2nd grade.

JACOBY JONES, y'all.

Apparently he did a foxtrot for his son last week that people liked and OH EM GEE his baby son is the cutest ever.

He has to do the jive which he insists is the same as "The Skip" in New Orleans which infuriates his partner because it is NOT the same at all.

"I can't move my s*** like that; I am a MAN."

I just love this guy.

He likes the guy in their partner couple because he "looks like he play defensive end and he can dance" so I guess that's good.

They start in some kind of sketchy graffiti'd alleyway playing cards and I'm really getting tired of the performance art. I mean is any of this necessary? I very much don't need a setup to every dance. Like I couldn't need it any less.

The profesh dancer couple's lady is all up in the camera flicking her butt and I feel slightly violated. Jacoby looks like he's doing the bow-legged chicken dance just as well as the profesh guy, so as far as I'm concerned, 10!

He does look like he's having fun and not taking this nonsense so seriously, which I enjoy. SHOOT DANG he did the splits you guys. AND he legit JUMPED over his partner's head.

I don't know anything about dance, but that was awesome. Give him 10's and let's all go home.

Again the dance is about 36 minutes longer than it should be and I'm bored.

It finally ends and spanish judge says it was like "watching two s-TALLIONS at the height of their power fighting for dominance" or something like that. Why does everything he says have to be sexual? TONE IT DOWN, BRUNO. (Yes, I learned his name this week!)

They all tell him to point his feet and british judge basically tells girl judge to stop talking because it's like she's giving the Gettysburg Address over there but like he would even know what that is because he's BRITISH.

Len says Jacoby will never get a 9 out of him without pointing his feet but WHATEV Len, stop being a stick in the mud. HE JUMPED OVER HIS PARTNER'S HEAD AND DID THE SPLITS. Gah. If I ran this show it would be so different.

Victor

I guess they butchered their dance and were in the bottom 2 again last week so this one has to be good, but I want to know who is putting Andy Dick and D.L. Hughley ahead of Victor the adorable boxer? What is wrong with people? Do I have to start VOTING now? Ugh. As if I don't invest in this show enough already.

Rehearsal Excerpt:

"Are you doing the dance right now?" -Victor "Yeah." - Partner "Oh, I thought you were just...prancing around." - Victor.

He is just great.

Turns out Victor was distracted in rehearsal because his girfriend of a year cheated on him and he found out during practice. NOOO poor sweet Victor! There, there. Come hug it out. It's ok. DANCE the pain away.

They do the waltz and start out posing amid scary mannequins and SERIOUSLY with the performance art?

I dunno, waltzes are pretty and they look the same to me so high five.

Enter saxophone solo (!!) and the dance is again far too long. Verse 2 is always the worst because you realize it's only halfway over.

Still no idea why the mannequins are there. Do you think they're just running out of ideas? I mean at least the other nonsense setups had something to do with the style of dance.

Girl Judge says there was fluidity which was good but his feet came off the floor in some of the "lifty-wiftys" which just reminds me of Dr. Who and makes me happy.

Len legit tells her to go home because there was no INTENT to lift his feet so apparently it doesn't count. Spanish judge interrupts everyone just to agree with them so I'm not sure why it was necessary.

Side note: I just realized everyone has already changed from their intro outfits. When did that happen and wasn't that a waste of some perfectly good neon bow ties?

Host guy: "We're back and I'm on my mark for a change."

Y'know, sometimes it's just better to maintain the 4th wall.

Aly Raisman.

MAN she got to do flips last week and danced to "Titanium." She got 9's and I am totally googling her performance during the commercial break.

And she's at the top of the leaderboard?? Noooo, Zendaya, what happened? Man, I tell ya, you miss one week...

The girl professional tries to teach Aly how to be sexy and flip her hair and whatnot and Aly says it's nice to have a girl to teach her but Mark is a good girl too and is good at being sassy. So he's got that going for him.

Side note: It is becoming increasingly clear that I would be terrible at this. Absolutely terrible.

I think she got flustered during the dance when she was whipping her hair back & forth and it's starting to look off-beat to me but what do I know.

Really the standout nerve-grater here is that the singer is singing the wrong cadence and melody for "Misery" by Maroon 5 and it's driving me insane.

Len says her bottom is the tops, whatever that means.

Bruno gets even more hot and bothered than usual and this is what he chooses to say:

"Ohhhh missy missy I had no idea you could be SASSY and SAUCY! Whip it! Because you're worth it!" I think he's just throwing out slogans at this point.

Carrie says she thinks it's good that Aly brought out her little sex kitten and NO. Stop that. She is an Olympian, not Ke$ha. Get out of here with that.

COMING UP: Y'all I think the wasp face might come out. Kellie is making partner guy angry! And you won't like it when he's angry. (See what I did there?)

COMMERCIAL SIDE NOTE: GATSBY TRAILER OMG. Shining moment in this two hours of terribleness.

Sean Lowe

Last week Sean evidently danced like a caveman or something but WHO EVEN CARES because he ended it by kissing Catherine and I just miss them. Can we get them their own reality show already? Newlyweds Part Deux. And this time no one will ask if tuna is chicken or fish. Probably.

This week he has to do the quickstep which I already knew because he tweeted about how hard it was and that makes me slightly nervous for him.

SIDE NOTE: Are off-shoulder tops like a thing for dancers? I mean you'd think they'd just get in the way of all the grand arm gestures but I guess it's a small price to pay for 80's fashion. Come to think of it, are dancers perpetually stuck in the 80's? They wear a lot of neon and legwarmers. I'm asking.

Sean tries to copy Tristan (the profesh dancer)'s every move and decides to do so by wearing the exact outfit as him. He comes out wearing a neon pink shirt like it's a gag but we all know he had that in his closet due to the omnipresence of neon in the Bachelor. Or he stole it from his dad (LOL remember that?).

I think he did well! He looks terrified behind his perma-smile which makes me nervous because I just like him so much and want him to dance pretty.

"SHOWN! WHAT EES GOINK OWN?" proclaims Bruno. Until now, he says, Sean has been a lumberjack, but now he is a swan, which I feel is a bit of a reach but whatever.

Girl judge is all flustered and doesn't say anything of note.

British judge says last week he was a statue and this week he is a pigeon, which aren't really opposites, and is definitely worse than a swan, so I'm not sure really what his angle was with that. Neither is the audience apparently beacause everyone thinks this is HILARIOUS.

Especially Bruno who is still laughing 6 minutes later. I seriously do not get anyone on this show.

Sean says that Tristan is not only a beautiful dancer but a beautiful man and I just really want to go on a double date with Seathrine.

They get 8's and Sean's partner almost kisses his hand and I'm about to lunge at the TV on behalf of Catherine. Get that girl out here and let her beat up Meredith from the Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap (which I'm convinced is Sean's partner's true identity).

Kellie Pickler

They're on a legit golf cart on the dance floor and I'm wondering how much work it was for the PAs to set that up just for this one preview moment.

They have to do a foxtrot and her partner is nervous, to which Kellie responds: "If yo-er ner-vus, 'Ahm gunna hay-uve a ner-vus break-DAY-own!"

Ugh. I'm sure she's smarter than she sounds. I mean, she HAS to be, right?

This dance, by the way, is Kellie's first BALLROOM DANCE, which I just learned is not ALL of these dances.

Her partner hulks out on her for messing up a dance move and I'm a little nervous he's going to abuse her but it's cool you guys the wasp face is back in the holster.

I think her problem is really that she set the bar too high too early. Wynnona would have never gotten the wasp face.

On to the dance! These are the only costumes that have made sense so far in context of the dance and the music. Kellie's wig is looking a little cray but she dances as well as the other girl as far as I can tell.

They do this weird wobble-back-and-forth-like-you're-made-of-plastic move and she's good and the dance is too long again.

Girl Judge can't believe it was Kellie's FIRST ballroom. Because apparently that's how all the cool kids say it. Just "ballroom."

What is NOT how the cool kids say it? "putting the 'ooo' in 'smooth'," which is what Len said.

"Thaynk yew, Le-uhn!" - Kellie

Ugh.

Spanish judge apparently thinks this dance was fitting of Great Gatsby and Baz Lurhman would be impressed but how dare he suggest that Kellie Pickler could come anywhere near that movie.

"Dang, y'all, that Gats-bay sure is straynge."

In the post-dance interview she actually references her wig which I feel like is against protocol for that sort of thing. Aren't you supposed to just act like it's your real hair even if everyone knows it's totally not? Anyway, she says she was afraid it was going to fly off.

Her partner does a Kellie impression which I think was pretty spot on. Apparently when he gets all wasp-y, she goes "I don't hate yew, but I hate your way-s right nay-ow."

I'll allow it.

She gets 9's. I mean honestly have they ever given out a 10 on this show?

PREVIEW: Zendaya is wearing a pretty dress and fencing DL and Andy. She stabs DL and no one's mad about it.

COMMERCIAL NOTE: Jennifer Hudson is all over my TV singing "I GOT THE POW-UH!" in yellow pants and I just can't handle it anymore. J Hud (Are all Jennifer's allowed to be called J - [first syllable]?)...I like you and all but this has got to stop. You're losing my respect one lip-synched "woo!" at a time.

Back from commercial and it's D.L. Hughley's turn.

Ugh. Last week he humped the judges' table. So unnecessary. He thrusts more than anyone else on this show, and that's saying something. But he got 7s so hooray for sympathy votes.

Basically his partner is creeped out by him and tries unsuccessfully to teach him the tango.

The dance begins with everyone behind paper creating silhouettes and while the profesh couple is dancing I'm starting to feel uncomfortable watching Cheryl & DL's silhouettes together. OH SNAP Y'ALL he ripped the paper and busted out of there like a quarterback.

What if that had failed? I'm just saying it could have. He IS the worst, after all.

In D.L.'s defense there wasn't much hope for him looking identical to a skinny European dancer guy named Sasha. (real name)

Even I can tell D.L.'s feet are not doing what they're supposed to be doing. He's just kind of stomping along and people are clapping to the song for some reason.

I stopped paying attention because I looked at Tweetbot for like one second and ended up camping out there for a minute or two, but spanish guy called it a brave attempt and girl judge said the lack of technique was evident.

Len said they just didn't look identical and D.L. asks if it was the hair that gave it away. Touche, D.L. Touche. If you can't beat 'em, make terrible jokes.

NEXT WEEK PLUG: Oh gosh. It's all Stevie Wonder songs. And he has to be there. RUN AWAY, STEVIE. JUST RUN AWAY. At least he won't have to actually watch them dance. I hope for his sake he is the one singing his songs because this band will butcher them 9 ways to Sunday, whatever that means.

DL gets 6's (sad trombone).

ZENDAYA TIME!

Aw man last week she danced to Love on Top by Beyonce and that song is my jam but OH NO this person should never be allowed to even touch Beyonce songs so I'm kind of glad I missed it.

Her partner admits he has never danced this genre before. GREAT news.

Again, her nails are dangerous. They are neon and they are about 6 inches long and I don't understand why her partner hasn't insisted that she remove them yet. They are dangerously close to his cornea.

The setup to this dance is that the royal jewels are MISSING you guys and we know that because there is a fake newspaper that tells us so. But OH NO Zendaya has them! What's going to happen?

Thank goodness this song is instrumental.

Profesh girl does all these fancy tricks to start off which I think is kind of a jerk move but whatever. Zendaya has to use the jewels as a prop for some reason, which I also think is just something unnecessary she has to keep up with during her dance. I mean doesn't she have enough to worry about without having to pass off a bangle between her and another girl and then put it on without dropping it onto the dance floor and tripping everyone up and creating a pile-up and the worst celebrity dancing accident in history? I'm just saying, it could have happened.

Anyway she does a really cool lift thingy and was awesome as usual.

We get our usual dose of crazy from Bruno: "CATCH ME IF YOU CAN! TAKE ME IF YOU DARE! THE ULTIMATE FEMME FATALE!"

Seriously can someone please taze him?

Len says it was like a lemon tart.

Next week's promo again, this time with neon letters on a SPACE backround. Was this made in powerpoint with wordart?

OH SNAP SHE GOT 10's, y'all. This is UNPRECEDENTED (so far this season).

Man, I thought we were done but Andy Dick still has to go. They really should never save him for last. People are going to start turning off their TV's. The best sketches go before Weekend Update for a reason.

Andy Dick Noooo whyyyy there are ANDY PUPPETS.

"I don't think any comedians have made it this far!"

Shocking.

The profesh male dancer walks in with the deepest V I've ever seen, and I live in Nashville. I mean it seriously doesn't count as wearing a shirt.

"When you think of pasa doble, you don't think of Andy Dick...but you WILL."

Sure, Andy. All those times I think about pasa doble during the day, your name will definitely come to mind.

Why must they insist on acting out scenes before every dance? Oh, p.s., male dancer is wearing a glorified Deep V.

ANDY SWINGS IN ON A ZIP LINE DRESSED LIKE ZORRO.

I have nothing to add to that.

He whips around a shiny cape a lot, that's about it.

Everyone basically just tells him it wasn't good but he's FUN.

RESULTS: D.L. Hughley and Cheryl Burke go home. (Wah wah wah...No one's surprised.)

Who was your favorite? Are you as tired of Andy Dick as I am at this point? Do you support a Sean & Catherine reality show? I'm just saying let's talk about it.

DWTS Recap: The Wasp Face

This week I am in D.C. for my job, but I watched DWTS anyway. Just for YOU. Marvel at my dedication. …oh, and because the hotel I'm staying at doesn't have HGTV. But no matter! The point is, I watched it, okay?

I missed the first like three minutes but I'm thinking since when I turned it on people were just freestyling to that "funk's on rubber" song I didn't miss much.

Basically it's like a sock hop up in here and host lady's 80's hair is CRAY. I mean I know it's prom night theme this week but let's take down the literality a notch okay?

They pan to the audience and Yvette Nicole Brown is there! Yay! I can hear her now just clapping and saying "that's niceee!"

First up, Aly.

She's going to waltz which involves counting 1-2-3, 1-2-3 instead of 1-2-3-4 and counting music is HARD, ok guys? I judge her a little bit for never having known how to count music before but then again I went to a music school and live in Nashville so I could be a biased jerk.

Aly never went to prom because she had to work her fingers to the bone doing backflips and stuff and we're all sad about it. Her coach tries to teach her how to grope.

Before the commercial break everyone is taking staged prom photos in front of a background of silver streamers and could this show be a little more over the top, please? I'm just still a little fuzzy on what the theme is this week.

Back from commercial and there is literally a person dressed as cupid hanging from the ceiling solely to fling a fake arrow at Aly and her partner to start off the dance. Seriously let's add more unnecessary clues for the audience here, I don't think they're getting this is about LOVE and PROM.

Aly does pretty well and it's boring but she looks pretty in lavender.

British judge is NOT IMPRESSED. The crowd erupts in boos but JUST KIDDING it's April Fools you guys! Oh, British Judge. You slay me. Seriously though kill me now.

Lady Judge tells her to be in character and men judges argue with her and I'm hoping they say April Fools again, but they don't.

SIDE NOTE: Why are we being subjected to seeing old prom photos of the hosts? Like anyone even cares about them. Plus girl host looks exactly the same tonight anyway.

They talk about how you can vote 11 times which I think is just to be obnoxious (why not just 10?) and guy host says "You can vote psychically but that's not as effective."

I wish he would stop going off script.

2. Andy Dick. In the montage we find out he apparently doesn't know his own strength and might just rip her hand off when he dances. His coach chastises him for thinking too much to which his response is,

"I HAVE to think or I'm going to rip your head off!…Accidentally…" Nice save.

He yells some more and she stomps out and then it's the next day and Andy's crying again. Guys I can't tell but do you think this is going to be a recurring theme?

The dance opens with him getting a text message superimposed on the screen about being dumped for not being sexy enough which is totally the reason people usually use when they break up with someone via text.

He does some nipple pistols, a dance move I just trademarked the name for, and rips his shirt off and thrusts a lot and I'm not sure why the audience is whooing so loud but they whoo at everything so whatever.

Spanish judge yells REVENGE OF THE NERD super loud and basically just says it's bad but it was entertaining. Girl judge essentially says good job for trying and gives him a backhanded compliment by complimenting his partner and saying he did a good job keeping up. British Judge calls him a sneeze and also says he feels better having watched him, which is weird because I had the complete opposite experience.

3. Inigo Montoya. Inigo's prom was boring as EXPLETIVE so he's going to recreate his dream prom by riding in on a motorcycle which somehow seems sad to me but whatever.

He calls his partner a slut and complains about being too old for this stuff.

They dance to Another One Bites the Dust and he rips his partner's skirt off. This dance seems a little stripper-y to me due to his black wifebeater and black cargo pants and the aforementioned skirt ripping. Again the band butchers a classic, and Inigo just looks very angry the whole time. Probably because the man with the six fingers killed his father.

It literally ends in flames and I'm wondering if his partner is secretly Olivia Newton John.

Lady Judge tells him to fix his core which to me means nothing. Kind of like when Michael Scott starts talking about how that machine strengthens your whole core…your leg core…your back core…

Spanish judge starts yelling stuff about how that was no way to treat a woman and trying to be funny and I hate him.

COMMERCIAL NOTE: Charles Barkley is just as terrible in this hot dog commercial with Alec Baldwin as he was on SNL, and I assume he had several takes to get it right this time.

Back from commercial and oh em gee it's the 50th anniversary of General Hospital! [ABC PLUG] No one cares. He gets 7s.

Some people in shirts with letters on them that spell out "ROMP?" are on stage now with little to no explanation.

4. Desperate Housewife. She was in the bottom two last week so she resorts to taking pictures of her shirtless partner to put on Twitter and get people to vote for them. She says something about it looking desperate which she fails to realize is literally the name of the show she is famous from so I'm not really sure why this is an issue for her.

Her tiny sad puppy in a t-shirt stares at an iPad twice his size which is supposed to mean he's tweeting the picture for her because he has thousands of followers. Which is actually true. Poor Jiggy. He longs for freedom. You can see it in his eyes. I just want to rip that tshirt off him and release him into the wild.

Anyway they do a waltz to a Whitney Houston song and the band once again murders the song pretty savagely. Like it's so bad I can't even focus. I have no idea if the dance was good.

They show a woman in the crowd who I assume is the housewife's daughter since they look like their plastic surgeon used the same mold for their faces.

Spanish judge says it was like she was empress Josephine wafting around blah blah blah is he seriously still talking? But let's not get too carried away, it wasn't THAT good, he says, and people boo.

Gleb talks about how he "got a few marriages proposals." Aw. Poor Gleb. He tries. He does have abs though I guess so he has that going for him. But not his name. Definitely doesn't have that going for him.

They get 7's and the host makes a joke about how easy it is to use Twitter because Jiggy can do it without opposable thumbs. Someone needs to tell this guy comedy isn't for everyone.

5. Kellie Pickler. Kellie inexplicably puts a pickle in a punch bowl in the setup to her montage. I don't know what it means but I assume it was meant to be suggestive.

Kellie calls the jive a "jav" and talks a lot about her partner's wasp face. She pushes the wasp face thing really hard and then it's time to dance.

She's great of course and real talk: I kind of love her dress. She does some splits and some shimmies and unfortunately they are dancing to Footloose which now reminds me of Chase Freedom cards so thanks for that one, Chase Freedom guy who can't actually play the guitar.

"There's nothing loose about that performance! You're sharper than a Samurai sword!" - Spanish Judge. Seriously he is too excitable. He literally cannot talk without standing up.

British guy says they were flying about like a wasp at a picnic. GET IT BECAUSE THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT WASPS BEFORE? Ugh. That's not even a saying.

He crowns her prom queen and Kellie squeals and after they get their A+ they do a weird handshake about potatoes and french fries and sticking them in the fryer and I want to jump out a window.

6. Victor. Spoiler Alert: he didn't go to prom either. Except he wasn't off doing backflips or being a child star, he was a street kid and couldn't afford it. Poor Victor. I actually really like this guy. Again I am a huge fan of his coach. High five for maintaining normalcy in a studio full of yahoos.

They perform to "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" which automatically wins me over because it's just a great song. I dunno, it looks good to me but they do a lot of lifts and I remember last time British Judge was all TOO MUCH LIFTS so I guess they're in danger about that again.

Man, this Spanish judge is a total Standing-O whore. He does it like every single time.

Girl judge says Victor is a dancer now--I guess because he picked up his partner a lot. British judge was pleasantly surprised and said the lifts were good but there wasn't enough good dancing in the middle. (Told you TOO MUCH LIFTS.)

7. D.L. Hughley. He didn't go to prom either because he never graduated high school but what he DID do is charge people $25 to rent him to be their date for prom which is not sketchy at all.

He wears a metallic cape and dances terribly to James Brown. I'm thinking by now his dance style is just thrusting a lot and shuffling back and forth.

"If you're a sex machine, I'm America's Next Top Model." Ya'll, he is BRITISH. So he can't be ANTM even if he wanted to be. That's how strong that metaphor was.

He hated it but basically told him it was adorable that he tried.

Apparently D.L. has trouble moving his hips because every time he's done it in the past he has ended up paying child support, which wasn't super well received as an excuse.

COMMERCIAL NOTE: Penelope Cruz is saying "neth-pretho" all over the place and I can't handle it. Stop trying to make Nespresso happen, Cruz. It's not going to happen.

8. Jacoby Jones. He got kicked out of prom for pranks and then it gets all heavy because Katrina took his school and he's doing this dance for them.

They do a Rumba which I always kind of thought was like what dancers at Ricky Ricardo's club would do but apparently it's like overtly sexual so I was way off.

Jacoby has trouble being serious, which I appreciate, but then in the performance he totally pulls it off. He looks all dancer-y because he's not wearing a shirt and wearing black pants and they're dancing to Rihanna's sad song.

They love it and spanish guy uses the term volcano-bic which is not really a word and says "JACK-O-BEE" so you know he's really excited and everyone says it was good.

AW MAN I forgot Wynnona was here but they show her doing slow motion sexual movements up on her partner as a preview of what's to come.

Back to Jacoby and the 80's host asks him how much hurricane Katrina affected him. UGH these questions are as vague and obvious as every halftime interview ever done. "Uh so how important do you think scoring is in the next half?" GAH.

9. Wynnona Judd. Apparently her goal this week is to make the spanish judge growl and unleash her inner tigress.

SIGH. This will not end well.

OH NO. I see pole dancing. THERE IS POLE DANCING. WHYYYYYYY.

"I don't wanna look like I'm goin' in the woods." Well, Wynonna, either way I'm not really thrilled.

It's just as traumatic as you'd expect it to be and then the rest of the dance is super robotic and slow. It's kind of like she's just shifting back and forth and her partner is like dancing all around her like a mad man in comparison trying to make her look good when really he's just making her look worse by comparison.

"You're like Mount Rushmore!" says British Judge. (WHAT. Did he just call her fat?) "You look fantastic but you don't move!" Oh okay.

COMMERCIAL NOTE: Cheryl Burke (dancer on DWTS) tries on Depends for charity. I don't even…why, Cheryl, why?

Back from commercial and Wynnona talks about how amazing it is that Dorothy Hamil has managed to come sit in the audience which I mean I'm not saying her cyst isn't a big deal but can't anyone sit in an audience? I'm asking.

10. Sean Lowe. OH GOSH 2002 prom Sean has vampire hair.

His perspective is that dancing to YMCA is going to be great because everyone knows it, but I think he's forgetting that everyone also hates it. His partner says he's awkward (shocker) but he works super hard.

They interview him and he's super charming and I kind of miss him still.

OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS HE IS GIVING HIS PARTNER A ROSE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS IS HAPPENING.

I fear for what this dance is going to be.

There are three other people on the stage and they are all dressed like the village people.

He's not very good but bless him, he's trying. He kind of looks like a chippendale dancer on account of his overalls and wifebeater and hardhat.

But hey Catherine looks pretty!

Basically they say he has enthusiasm and isn't very good but this is his best dance yet and Spanish judge says he has shelves for Sean to come fix and acts suggestive and makes everyone uncomfortable.

Girl judge says spanish judge was the only thing missing from the routine which spanish judge of course takes as an excuse to get out from behind the desk and go after Sean.

He gets 7's which I think is probably pretty generous.

11. Zendaya. She hasn't been to prom because she is 16 so she is recreating moments from her grandma's prom because she has breast cancer which is pretty sweet.

Her nails are like 8 inches long and I'm hoping she cuts them before she gauges out her partner's eye.

They start out the dance in a fake gondola and then do a pretty dance in fake moonlight and of course it's great.

DWTS RESULTS: Wynnona Judd is eliminated. I mean ok she was terrible but she was providing half my material. Sigh.

Did anyone else endure Wynnona's pole dancing? Please tell me I wasn't alone.

DWTS Recap: Razzle Dazzle and Razz-a-mataz

Apparently misery loves company, because some of you actually read last week's recap of Dancing with the Stars (DWTS). So here I am again, bringing you all the news that's fit to print concerning B-list celebrities bumbling their way through dances I've never heard of. Is it just me or are the costumes exponentially worse than they were in the first episode? Glittery flight attendants, unconvincing lifeguards, and Wynnona is literally wearing the same policeman outfit as her partner. Except he's wearing a fake mustache.

I already hate this episode more than the last.

Also I'd just like to ask why this show is so unapologetically cheesy. Are they really panning past all the contestants they've already introduced while they smile and wave and wink at the camera?

Anyway, on to the dancing.

1. Inigo Montoya. (As he will henceforth be called because I can never remember his actual name which I think is similar to Inigo.) The montage essentially consists of a scene which is uncomfortable for everyone, where they talk about the need to have a penny in your butt.

SIDE NOTE: I keep thinking they're about to say Inigo is dancing with Kim Jong Un but then it's just dumb ol' Kim Johnson, which is not nearly as interesting.

He does the quickstep which I think is just synchronized running. The judges rhyme a lot and say things like "bingo ingo" and "tricky dicky" and that he messed it up because (spoiler alert) it was difficult. They argue about whether the problem was his frame or his footwork but basically they settle on it was OK but not GREAT.

Judge guy breaks in to bring the required drama and tell us that it is time for the VERY FIRST (in this season) JAZZ NUMBER and he literally uses the phrase "hi-jinks and high-drama."

This feels even more forced than the Bachelor.

Preview: Andy Dick trying to do the worm! Dorothy Hamil's body can't take it! Coaches yelling!

I see Sean's parents in the crowd and it warms my heart a bit.

2. Dorothy Hamil. Guys. Are you ready for this? I hope you're sitting down. Dorothy has a cyst. But she's brave and wants to keep going but her coach won't let her so she just has to sit there filming him dancing on an iPad but really probably checking facebook.

We get a lot of glimpses of Dorothy's bloomers and her partner looks like he came out of That Thing You Do. I dunno. It looked right to me until she almost fell sliding under his legs. So there was that. Lady judge says it was just fear not the cyst but they seemed to make a big deal about it before so I'm thinking maybe yeah it was the cyst.

She doesn't get good grades and she is clamping her partner's hands on her waist REAL hard during that post-performance interview. I'm just sayin'.

3. Jacoby Jones. He and his partner pose in a way that looks like he is sitting on her but JAY KAY you guys it's just the way they were standing and the fact that they have matching pants.

Oh snap, y'all. JAZZ time.

His partner refers to him as "Jacoby Jones"…like both names..which I feel like is a little much. Then he farts in rehearsal and she looks like she hates her life.

Little ballerinas come in and whip him into shape and the most adorable girl ever tells him she's got her eye on him and does the Barney Stinson thing.

The dance begins with a 10-foot tall woman in a trench coat…seems weird but OH NO FOILED AGAIN it's just her on Jacoby's shoulder you guys.

Their dance reminds me of Princess & the Frog, so I'm on board.

British judge says it's full of "razzle-dazzle and razz-a-mataz" which I assume is a good thing. Full disclosure, I can hardly understand a word this guy says most of the time.

Spanish guy is too excited about everything.

Perhaps my favorite part though was in Jacoby's post-dance interview when he was asked about the little dancers being hard on him:

"It felt like being trapped in a house, and they took up all the bathrooms."

….?? Is this Bad Lip Reading?

SIDE NOTE: You can vote on Facebook now? What kind of goof-around voting system nonsense is this? In my day you had to pick up a phone and call a number to vote for someone on American Idol and wait until you got through. Sigh. Remember 2001?

SIDE NOTE AGAIN: Do these people rehearse in a Peruvian compound? That building looks like an impenetrable fort.

4. Victor Victorious or something (Boxer Guy, for those of you keeping track at home). Basically Victor and Lindsay argue a lot and then they hug and make up. I'm actually kind of a huge fan of Lindsay and her ability to be a sane person in this show.

Dance opens on a wanted poster for "Vicious Victor" and "Lucky Lindsay" and I kind of want to vomit but also am left wondering how many hours their creative department spends on this crap.

The british guy calls it "scruffy" and people boo and he says "if you prick me do I not bleed?" Which I kind of enjoyed.

Spanish guy mispronounces Denzel and tells him it looks like a Zumba dance and that he needs to keep his bum underneath himselef.

Also Girl Judge impales her forehead with her bracelet.

5. Wynnona Judd. Wynnona's motivation this week, if anyone was wondering, is to…wait for it…not pee her pants. Her hair is about 8 shades of orange and her partner calls her babe a lot.

They enter on three-wheeled police segway contraptions and I'm not 100% certain she can see through sunglasses AND a hat AND her makeup. Like I'm a little concerned.

Her dance is a quickstep and it looks like it was in slow motion so I'm thinking that can't bode well.

Spanish judge talks about her boobs needing high security and British guy is not impressed.

SIDE NOTE: Do you think they make the host add all the scores in her head or do you think they multiply it for her in real-time? It seems like a waste of energy but I mean who wants to add quickly on national television?

6. Zendaya. Full disclosure I now adore Zendaya. I rediscovered the greatness of her performance last week and have since watched it about 5 times. She makes me enjoy dancing, which none of these other yahoos do.

She's basically amazing again and makes me enjoy myself for three minutes while watching this show.

Spanish judge says a star was born but I'm not really sure that this is the correct platform to be making those kind of assumptions on. Like how many famous dancers do you know and how many of them were made famous by Dancing with the Stars?

She gets 9s and I'm a huge fan.

7. Andy Dick. In his montage he says this is the first time he's experienced an exorbitant amount of stress and not drank, so I guess he has that going for him.

Unfortunately he and his partner decided to wear hashtag shirts in rehearsal. HASHTAG shirts. They say "#teamdick." I mean honestly.

His contribution to the dance was what his parter called the "demented worm" so we have that to look forward to as well.

Giant 3D mushrooms fill the stage and they do a super trippy Alice in Wonderland dance and Andy Dick channels a dinosour with a woman on his back at some point. I'm uncomfortable. She then does some sort of move where it looks like she's magnatizing Andy's butt which is weird and he crawls under her legs and looks through her skirt frame. I'm frightened.

Star Jones (or someone I assume is Star Jones) is in the audience and is just beside herself excited for Andy Dick so I guess she's like his best friend and has been rooting for him to overcome his addiction and dress up like the Mad Hatter and do the demented worm for years and it's finally happening.

The host calls it "fun-crazy" which I'm thinking can't be that good but I guess the judges liked it.

8. Sean Lowe. Okay, even Sean's skin is orange. We have a problem. I think we're going a little too far with the costumes here, guys. The montage includes Sean jumping around awkwardly, admitting to not showering and being verbally abused by his coach.

How does Catherine feel about her future husband giving fake CPR to a foreign dancer? I'm just saying, she's already had to endure watching him suck face with 24 other girls on TV.

I love Sean but he looks CRAY during this dance. Like his perma-smile and bulging eyes are a little too much for me.

Spanish judge says he has charm and charisma but it was TOO JITTERBUG, which is what I was going to say.

British judge didn't like it "at tool" and Louie Anderson is in the audience.

Is it just me or does Sean's partner look just like the mean step-mom from the Lindsay Lohan parent trap?

9. Aly Raisman. She makes a joke about quick-stepping-it-up and her partner tries to teach her how to be dramatic because I guess she was just too normal.

I don't know--it looks good to me but I am concerned that they almost bumped heads during the dance. And she definitely is hamming it up out there so high five for learning how to make faces when you dance.

The judges say it was the best quickstep of the night so apparently that's a big deal.

10. Real Housewife of Somewhere. She's wearing a glorified dance recital outfit which makes her look even older in my opinion. Her partner cries because he wants her to do well and I guess he's just sad that she's so terrible and his name is still Gleb, if anyone was wondering.

Can I just say how much I hate that these things have themes? Literally there is a beverage cart on stage. So unnecessary. WE GET IT YOU'RE A FLIGHT ATTENDANT OKAY?

She shakes a lot and then everyone makes airplane-themed puns about turbulance and bumpy rides and not taking off so all in all not looking good for Housewife.

Maybe she should have brought the dog out again. Apparently he was a better dancer than her.

Female Judge gives critique to the partner/expert dancer which I think is a little uncalled for. Poor Gleb.

11. D.L. Hughley. Apparently he got the first "4" in two years, which I think means they're playing it a little Paula-Abdul with the whole rating system.

"This went from a fun thing to Hunger Games in tights."

Sure he's being dramatic but 1) this show could use more drama and 2) it's a Hunger Games reference so I'm automatically in.

He complains and cusses a lot and the partner is not having it and they fight.

Watching the performance all I can really think about is how nervous I am for him after all that and how the girl singing messed up the words to the song and is now SCATTING.

Spanish judge calls him "my dahling" and Female Judge reminds him that he got slammed last week. He gets some 5's this week which means they told him it was great but really it was only 10% better than last week.

12. Kellie Pickler. The spray tan is not helping Kellie look any less crazy and neither is the way she says "brawd-way jay-uzz hay-unds kinduh thang."

This dance is apparently going to be ART and the judges may or may not GET it.

It opens with a lot of light sabers and Kellie is swimming with her legs while her partner carries her.

Basically she's kind of suprisingly amazing and her legs are still taller than I am and her partner is wearing no shirt. Oh, and the band butchers another song--this time Ellie Goulding.

Apparently the dance is so good that Female Judge's boobs almost pop out and host guy passive aggressively adds that it wouldn't be the first time. Female Judge also calls it "FREE-GAN" amazing, whatever that means.

Why do they keep showing Louie Anderson? I mean I know he's going to jump into a pool from a billion feet in the air but COME ON.

I am informed that next week is prom themed. Ugh.

Kellie thinks her scores are uh-MAY-zing. The End.

RESULTS:

Apparently Dorothy Hamil bowed out due to her injury so everyone else gets to stay, including Andy Dick. No justice, I tell you. None.

Who do you like best? I'm team Zendaya all the way at this point. She is the only person I've rewatched a performance for simply because I enjoyed it.

Alternatively, which part did you hate the most? I'm gonna say first, how uncomfortable Andy Dick's performance was, and second, the band.

XB's First (And Probably Last) Dancing with the Stars Recap

 

(ABC makes their own memes now. Seriously, this image came from their website.)

By now you may know that the community here on ol' XB loves/hates us some Bachelor. (It's complicated.)

By now you probably also know that this year's Bachelor took about 5 seconds to breathe, then jumped into a glittery blazer and went to dress rehearsal for Dancing with the Stars.

Though I've only seen two full seasons, I know enough to know that in general the Bachelor/Bachelorette is pretty insufferable. This year, though, was different.

I don't know if you've noticed, but Sean is awesome. And the girl he picked is awesome, and it's just all around a love fest of awesomeness.

So I felt like I had to give him a shot on DWTS, even though I have never watched the show.

And y'all, it was pretty darn terrible.

And not terrible in the way that The Bachelor is terrible but you're still entertained most of the time. Terrible in the way that you almost fall asleep while Andy Dick is crying about dancing being difficult and how he has let people down because he was on drugs or something.

Ugh.

It's even worse because they're not even competing FOR LOVE. They're just competing. I'm not even sure what they win. (I don't think it's pride.)

So without further ado, I present the recap (I'll try to make it less boring than the actual show, which shouldn't be too difficult because hopefully this post doesn't waste two full hours of your life.):

1) Kellie Pickler. I literally did not recognize her until her background montage told me who she was. She has a Jamie Lee Curtis haircut and makeup caked on like Emily Maynard. But don't worry, her voice hasn't changed. Still the worst. Like I can't even comprehend how someone in 2013 has that strong of a southern accent. And I grew up in Alabama.

Oh, and she was good at dancing and her torso is longer than my entire body.

SIDE NOTE: I already hate these judges. They say even less real words than American Idol judges (full disclosure I have not seen this season). The British Guy just said "yum yum pig's bum, that was fun" and I want to die.

ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: This band is terrible. Mostly just the singers. Why do they hate Jessie J so much? Why don't they use tracks? Or failed American Idol contestants? Then it'd all come full circle, you guys.

2) Some Boxer Guy. I think he had a hard life and then he is a clumsy dancer and does this pose with his mouth open at the end. Boring.

CATHERINE ALERT. I was just wondering where she was and then they showed her. I miss Seatherine already. Ca-sean? Their names don't fit very well.

TOO LITERAL JOKE ALERT: "We get most of our cast when their judgement is impaired." - Host Guy.

3) Some Soap Opera Guy. He was apparently on a soap opera for 18 years. General Hospital I think they said. I don't know who he is but he literally said he "does a lot of stand-up paddleboard racing now," like that's a calculated career move, so he's got that going for him.

The judges have a heated spat when British Guy is all, "TOO MUCH LIFTS" and Female Judge and Overly Suggestive Spanish (?) Judge are all "LEAVE HIM ALONE HE'S GORGEOUS" or something.

Basically he gets to wear a wifebeater and Sean has to wear what looks like a smoking jacket made out of Dorothy's shoes so there is no justice in the world.

4) Some Real Housewives Lady (AND HER TINY DOG). The dog for some reason comes with her onto the stage and looks VERY sedated throughout the interviews. I'm wondering if he's actually animatronic. She's worried about cheating on her husband of 30 years because her partner touches her butt and she is surprisingly conservative to look the way she does.

The first part of the dance is in black and white for some reason I guess to make it classier and her partner's name is Gleb. Don't worry she passed off the dog before she started dancing. He probably needed to go crash in a crate somewhere. Or recharge his batteries.

5) D.L. Hughley. I only vaguely recognize him from like 90's comedy or something but apparently he had a hard life too and was in a gang and it was sad and he found comedy which I think is nice.

He's the only one who has perspective in this show so far. His partner tells him not to move his arms like she does because it's what ladies do, and his response is "ALL this s*** is what ladies do!"

He does a ridiculous hip-sway/gyrating thing that I wish I had a gif of (this video will have to do) and is pretty much terrible but I kind of like him because he's obviously not taking this as seriously as Andy Dick (see: crying).

BAND UPDATE: I didn't think it was possible to butcher "Apple Bottom Jeans," but by jove, this band has done it.

6) Zendaya. Y'all don't have to explain to me who Disney Channel stars are, so I knew exactly who this girl is. She actually has dance training (she's on a dance-themed Disney show) so she was actually very good and super likable. No qualms with Zendaya. Also her partner was wearing bright yellow patent leather loafers.

7) AWWW YEAH, it's Sean time, you guys. First he's charming in his interview and we get to see Catherine some more, then he classily says something like "people want to talk about my personal life a lot [cue images of "virgin bachelor" US Weekly covers] but I don't really see how it matters."

We get to see him try to learn to dance which is also charming and adorable (as expected).

Foreign partner girl tries to suggest that he "rub himself" to which Sean responds "woahhhh," which only cemented my adoration for him further.

He's actually not terrible and gets to start out his dance holding a rose to which I'm assuming his response was "pshh no problem I got the whole holding-a-rose-and-looking-handsome thing on lock" which made his confidence level skyrocket.

The judges thought he was ok at dancing but applaud his "fearless exuberance," which I feel is pretty good feedback.

DISCLAIMER: I know zero point zero about dance, so nothing I say here will have anything to do with technique, if you haven't figured that out already.

Also he danced to "power of love" which just makes my heart happy. Win and a win for ol' Sean Lowe in my book.

8) Aly Raisman. If you don't remember, she's on the U.S. Olympic gymnastic team from last year. I was a fan of hers so I was excited to see her dance.

Her voice is kind of terrible (I was unaware of this seeing as I'd only watched her do gymnastics silently and/or tweet), and her breasteses were way out of control but she did a good job I guess. She was less likeable than I'd hoped.

COMMERCIAL COMMENTARY: This Splash show looks like the worst show of all time. The fact that they can legally claim any of these jokers (except maybe Kareem Abdul-Jabar) as a celebrity without being sued for false advertising is outrageous. Let's make Louie Anderson jump into a pool from 35 feet. Sure, great, do that.  And Community is on the chopping block? I hate everything.

9) Dorothy Hamil. I knew who she was, at least, but I mean does any one really care anymore now that Sean has already gone?

She was probably good but I zoned out after it started snowing on the dance floor.

10) Wynnona Judd. Just…sigh. She talks about how her husband is named Cactus and got in an accident and everything is sad. Then she dances and it's pretty boring and basic and like I could probably do it even though I can't dance at all but everyone is nice to her because she's so sad about life.

11) Andy Dick. More tragedy…addiction, rehab, and annoying voices. He talks about how this is his big chance to start over and some kind of nonsense and then he cries because it's too hard. First episode. Also he pushes that "I've treated everyone in my life poorly because of my addictions" thing SUPER hard. Like he tries to work it in to completely unrelated scenarios like Ben did with his dad dying on the Bachelor.

Literally his partner said something like "No, Stay" and laughed and said it was like she was treating him like a dog, and he goes "Uh, no it's ok I've acted like a dog for most of my life." I mean, seriously.

Anyway I honestly can't remember a thing about his dance because I started looking at Facebook or something when he started crying and I just don't care anymore at this point because this show is super boring.

12) Jacoby Jones who is apparently a football player and you probably know better than I do.  He mumbled a whole lot during his post-dance interview as if his stature didn't make it obvious enough that he was a football player. I thought he was actually good but British Judge said it was all showy and had no real technique. I know nothing about technique so there you have it.

And this concludes the first (and most likely last) ever Xtra Bacon recap of Dancing with the Stars. I hope you enjoyed the ride. Please collect your belongings on the way out and don't forget to vote for Sean because he's the best.

If you watched the show, who was your favorite? If not, which one of these B- celebrities would you root for?

The Problem with Ann Perkins of Parks and Rec

So, Ann Perkins, right? You can't say her first name without her last name (thanks to Chris Traeger)...and...that's about all I've got in terms of Ann fun facts.

Do you know why that is?

Because Ann has become a complete non-character in Parks and Rec.

I'm sorry, Rashida Jones. I like you and all, but it's true.

She has no quirks. Zero. She dates around a lot I guess. Is that supposed to be her thing now? It's hardly unique. She's actually become kind of pathetic, in the way that I just feel sad for her.

Poor Ann.

Even her name is average.

Her relationship with Leslie is about 95% Leslie, so she's basically useless there. She's the odd man out at the Parks department because she only works there because Leslie pushed her into some B.S. public health PR job.

Let's just run down the list of people she has to interact with:

She's awkward around Ron because he doesn't care and she won't force herself on him like Leslie does. She's awkward around April because April hates her. She's awkward around Andy because she dated him. She's awkward around Donna because she's intimidated by her. She's awkward around Tom and Chris because she dated them, too.

I mean, come on, Ann. At least TRY to be social with people without dating them. She just stands around in scenes and acts...normal.

Normal is boring, Ann. This is Parks and Recreation. Get it together. She's kind of like a sponge. The other actors try to bounce stuff off her and she just absorbs it all sad-trombone-like and sucks the life force out of an otherwise entertaining scene.

STOP BEING SUCH A SPONGE, ANN. GAH.*

It's hard for me to see a clear-cut answer to this problem.

Whereas The Winston Problem could be fixed in a number of ways, as Knox has already addressed, I'm at a loss for The Ann Problem. Maybe it's because she's been such a non-person sidekick for so long I just don't know what else she could be?

Here's my best pitch: Ann gets a legit, long-term boyfriend who is actually entertaining and their relationship itself would become a new character. Then a) she has someone else to interact with NON-awkwardly, and b) it makes her more interesting by association. She needs someone new.

Because let's be honest, sure you can still have a BFF when you are married, but it's not the same. It's never going to be Leslie and Ann again. It's Leslie and Ben...plus sometimes Ann, the perpetual 3rd wheel.

Do you recognize The Ann Problem? How do you think we should fix it?

*Is it just me or is it really fun to yell at Ann?

Are Cam and Mitchell the Worst Parents Ever?

 

I feel like we've given Cam and Mitchell a long enough learning curve, here. They've had Lilly for approximately five years. (I think. It's hard to tell because she aged up 2 years over one summer when they downgraded to Lilly 2.0.)

It's time to get real with them.

I mean, they're terrible parents, right?

They let that turdwagon get away with everything. I get they're excited to have a kid and everything after a long process and are just so grateful to have her, but come on. There is such thing as tough love. And not-letting-your-kids-turn-into-entitled-daddy's-girls.

She's kind of a terror. I would hate to be stuck babysitting her. She has never once been disciplined appropriately. The most she ever gets is "now, sweetie, let's not do that..." or "oh no maybe she is getting her terrible behavior from us and we need to start acting better."

Ugh.

She sasses them constantly, never does what they ask her to do, disrespects other adults...it's time to lay down the law with that kid, and, y'know, not give her a powerwheels convertible because you feel bad for not having a cookie with her over the phone and proceed to let her crash it inside the house.

These are not hard parenting concepts. I know I'm not a parent, but I have successfully babysat (and/or run a two-year-old Sunday school class) hundreds of times and never once let a child crash a powerwheels car inside the house. I don't feel like that's too much to ask of you as a parent.

I think she's going to end up being a bully. I'm willing to bet she doesn't play well with others at preschool. She's that kid who thinks everything is hers and has never heard the word "share," isn't she? That kid is always the worst.

I was hoping someone out in the world who loves me would have put together a montage of all her sass on youtube, but alas, I did not find one.

What I did find is this:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHdAjbCKlQM]

OMG. Y'all. She is like this ALL the time.

Is this skit actually a little TOO real? I'm asking. (But really I'm telling. It is. It's at least a warning sign of things to come.)

So Cam and Mitch, how about a little less "you're the most special person in the world" and a little more "life's tough, get a helmet?"*

I quote Tina Fey [in Bossypants] when I say,

Is this not the absolute worst thing you could instill in a child? They're the most important person? In the world? That's what they already think. You need to teach them the opposite. They need to be a little afraid of what will happen if they lose the top of their Grizzly Adams thermos.

Lilly needs to be even just the tiniest bit afraid of what will happen if she loses her Grizzly Adams thermos. That's all I'm saying.

Are you on board with Cam & Mitch's passive parenting or do you think she needs to get a time-out or two every once and a while?

*copyright Boy Meets World circa 1998.

Remember that time Ryan Lochte got a TV show?

I'm beginning to think E! will stop at nothing to ensure every human being on the planet has been on a reality show at least once in their existence. Seriously, is there anything they won't film and throw haphazardly on the TV screen?

It's kind of like they take that "throw spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks" approach. If that's an approach at all. I can't remember if that's a real expression or not. When I was about 8, my neighbor taught me to throw noodles up to the ceiling to see if they were done. I'm not sure if that's something everyone did. Moving on.

There's a whole host of Kardashian programming (really they should just have their own channel by now, right? I think it should be named "K!" Both because it is a rip-off of "E!" and because it sounds like you are agreeing emphatically with someone when you say it.), a show about Tia and Tamara Mowry (sorry, they're fine and all, but that's a low bar), and a myriad of other crazy parades they throw in there, I believe, solely to give The Soup content.

And now, there's Lochte.

Yep, everyone's not-so-favorite swimming douchebag, Ryan Lochte, has been given a show. Ugh. As much as my affinity for Michael Phelps has dissipated over the years due to his overconfidence, pot-smoking and Subway ads, I like this guy even less. Though I suppose his apparent dimness could be entertaining on camera.

I really wish they would just give the "Fierce 5" a show and call it a day. Olympic training combined with high school girl drama has got to make good television, right?

Anyway, they have ordered 6 episodes of Lochte-vision, and basically their argument for putting him on TV is that he is dumb and pretty, which makes up for his tendency to be a tool I guess. I think we've got enough dumb and pretty people on TV, y'know? What is Lochte going to bring to the table that the cast of the Bachelor and/or Bachelorette can't? I'm asking.

The show will follow him as he continues his rigorous training and tries to "find the right gal." Sounds about right. Probably lots of making out and frat-tastic language will make appearances. That and abs. Lots of abs.

Apparently he even has Lochte-isms including the spellbinding "jeah" and the fact that he pees in pools.

Sigh. I don't even know if I could handle this. It sounds too outrageous to enjoy normally but not outrageous enough to enjoy ironically.

Would you watch a show following Ryan Lochte? If not, what Olympian(s) would you rather watch?

Ode to New Girl's Nick Miller

The leading character in New Girl has been in constant flux for me. Of course, I came (though hesitantly) for Zooey Deschanel. I stayed for Schmidt because the episode where he goes to the beach and tries to overcome his phobias is one of the best TV episodes of all time. ("I can get a tetanus shot, but I can't cure damaged suede!")

But now, my favorite character is unequivocally Nick Miller.

His dramatic declarations combined with his old-man cynicism make him a type of character I don't think I've seen before. He's living the stereotypical bachelor life and hates it, but not enough to make a change. Mostly because he hates change, which I totally understand.

I also identify with his old-man "those damn kids are too loud!" attitude, and I love his unwavering commitment to not get too involved in anyone's personal life. He's got all the best hints of Liz Lemon and Ron Swanson stuffed inside a 28-year-old bartender's body.

I like that New Girl is still in that stage where they don't feel like they "have" to do anything to develop characters at this point. Nick doesn't have to have some kind of revelation that his life is meaningless and turn all soft on us (ahem, Barney Stinson). He can go on living his standoffish anti-warm-fuzzies life and writing his terrible zombie novels for a little while longer without the story arc leading him to find a real job or a serious girlfriend.

So for now we get to enjoy his tearful, desperate speeches to Schmidt trying to remedy their friendship over an unappreciated cookie.

"Got me a cookie, gave you a cookie! Gotmeacookiegaveyouacookie! Gommecookie Gaveyoucookie!"

Probably one of my favorite Nick Miller moments so far. The way it degenerates into complete nonsense speech, pleading for Schmidt to just take him off the hook, is so classic.

Poor Winston. He's trying. I think the fact that Nick is the anti-Schmidt makes them far too much of a duo for Winston to ever really fit in. They're trying with the Nick/Winston backstory, but it's not really happening.

Though I am loving the Nick flashbacks like the one where he's sitting on the porch steps yelling at other children to stop throwing stuff on his lawn. [Note: I can't confirm that that is actually what he was yelling about, because the internet apparently didn't like this clip as much as I did.]

What's your favorite Nick moment? Alternately, what do you think they should do about what will henceforth be calledThe Winston Problem?

Parks and Rec: The Movie

Some brilliant fan of Parks and Rec cut together scenes from the show to create this amazing trailer. Please enjoy.[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=td0IpoQfwfA]

WHO KILLED LIL' SEBASTIAN??

To Chevy Chase, With Contempt

Really, Chevy Chase? Really? You're choosing NOW to leave Community?

The nerd-tastic cult comedy is already on its last leg, likely to only last through the spring, and you're backing out now?

Dan Harmon's gone. You've already shot almost all of the episodes for this season. Two of which are Halloween and Thanksgiving-themed, which are now having to air in the spring (never a great sign).

At this point, just ride it out, dude.

You might as well not turn the few people who still value your presence against you. Everyone already knows you're terrible to work with. It's not like people are beating down the door to have you on their show.

You're great and all, but I don't think you're in a position to call the shots anymore.

I don't really care as an audience member if you leave; I'm really just thinking of you, here.

It's just a shame that the cast couldn't stay intact for FOUR whole seasons. (Three and a half, I guess, but who's counting?) Kind of how it's a shame when couples who have been married for like 40 years get a divorce, y'know? Come on guys. You've made it this far.

I'm just saying. In a year or so you'd be set free from the show anyway, so you might as well not make a big thing out of it.

What ever happened to people just doing their work and going home?

Geez. You do one movie with Jonathan Taylor Thomas and you think you're big time or something.

I'm getting off track.

What I'm trying to say is, I really think this is a waste of everyone's time and effort. Just get back on that horse, play nice with the new showrunners for six months, and be a good sport about the whole thing. Stop acting like this show is some great injustice to be a part of and you're not getting the respect you deserve. You're on TV every once in a while on the last-place network, okay? How about a "thank you?" Talk about no respect.

Do you think Chevy should've ridden it out or is he justified in this?

Quitting Revolution

 

Consider this my resignation from watching Revolution. I've watched about six episodes, and I'm done.

It's not that it's a terrible show. Really. It's actually a pretty decent show if you ignore the female lead and her complete lack of enjoyable qualities and/or facial expressions.

It's just that I CANNOT HANDLE IT.

Not in the way that I cannot handle Friday Night Lights. Because by that I mean I can't handle the amount of positive emotions and just emotional emotions I feel towards it. And it's totally worth it.

But this is something different entirely.

It's the polar opposite of North Korea, meaning Everything is Terrible All The Time Always. (hashtag 30 rock reference)

Seriously. If they're not on the run from ruthless militia, they're trying to avoid being killed by random passersby or people with grudges against Miles.

It's constantly people being pushed to do terrible things out of desperation, like having to choose between shooting your friend or both being killed, and I hate it.

The most disturbing aspect to me is that in theory, this is feasible.

I mean, okay, what are the odds that something would kill all the power on the planet (and, inexplicably, other things that didn't run on electricity in the first place, like basically all modes of transportation).

But, let's say it did. The resulting society depicted in Revolution could totally happen, assuming everyone was pushed to their limits in order to survive and/or provide for their family.

It's even MORE depressing when you learn more of the characters' backstories because it humanizes them and makes it even more believable that they acted out of desperation and are now killing people without hesitation essentially so that they are one of the killers not the killed. It genuinely frightens me to think about. Plus I'm REALLY bad at knowing when people are bluffing, which would be a total liability in this scenario.

[NOT-IRONIC SPOILER ALERT]

No one is trustworthy in the entire show, except the guy who used to work for Google. And maybe Nora. I don't know. Jury's still out on that one. Even the guy who was part of The Resistance (who I assumed were the noble ones) near-fatally wounded Nora just because he wanted to avenge his wife and she got in the way.

They already killed off one of the main characters, which makes me think that 1) anyone could go at any second, because, let's face it, their lives are in danger 99.9 percent of the time and therefore 2) why am I investing in these people?

The 15% plot movement strung throughout the show to find out why the power was shut off is not worth the emotional trauma for my fragile heart.

And you may be far stronger than me, fellow viewer, but I for one can. not. handle. it.

Have you watched Revolution? What do you think?

A TV Viewer's Guide to The Networks

 

Recently I have discovered I see the four central networks as sort of having personalities in my head. Like the shows they air and the people who watch them mesh together to form character traits. I think your favorite network probably says a lot about you in that way. So I wanted to provide a guide to people who perhaps might not be as familiar with the networks so they could choose their favorite and therefore be judged by everyone else who disagrees.

That's what we're here for, right?

Let's begin.

CBS

CBS is great if you are still watching How I Met Your Mother ((I'm starting to feel about HIMYM the way I felt about The Office six months ago. Now that I essentially know how it ends for the characters I care about, I just want them to get there and be done, but I'm too invested to quit now.)) or ever wear a wife beater whilst sitting in a recliner.

I see CBS as kind of the old fogie of television networks. Mostly because their big draw seems to be Two and a Half Men and they refuse to make any of their shows viewable on iPads in any format whatsoever. And they boycott Hulu as well, which is annoying because we recently cut cable (I KNOW I KNOW. A post for another time. Spoiler alert: we're poor.)

Also because, well, look at their logo. Insert sad trombone here.

NBC

I have a love/hate relationship with NBC. I hate them for what they did to Conan (major party foul), and I hate them for what they're doing to Community and 30 Rock (I know they are on season 7 but I just want it to go on forever, ok?), but I love them for putting shows like Community and 30 Rock on the air in the first place. I also love them for putting Friday Night Lights on the air and allowing it to exist so that I could watch it on Netflix a year later and have it soar into my heart permanently forever. (I'm still grieving its loss.)

So NBC is a particularly perfect place for people aged 18-35 who like things that are funny and don't like things that are not funny. If CBS is the old fogie, NBC is the 25-year-old entrepreneur running an online marketing company out of his apartment. Sometimes he's kind of a douche, but at least you have a few things in common.

ABC

I feel like ABC is the family network. Not "family" in the way that iTunes movies means "family," by which I mean that they are all cartoons, but in the way that it has shows for all kinds of family members. You've got your accessible comedy Modern Family, you've got your dramas, no controversial cult comedies--really it's a well-rounded network that would look good on a college application. ABC's probably most like a 45-year-old family man who makes mistakes but has a good heart.

Fox

Fox is pretty much just reality shows and New Girl in my head. Is there anything else on Fox? Maybe some sort of action dramas they promote with an overly dramatic voiceover? Oh yeah, Glee. Is that show still on? Ugh.

Basically if you like dramatic performances and Zoey Deschanel you will like Fox. Fox is like a broadway star clinging to her former heyday (read: American Idol) but still performing with unwavering enthusiasm.

But really, New Girl is fantastic so Fox gains a lot of points there. Sidebar: is Winston really still here? I'm just asking.

What's your favorite network? Did I miss anything or get anything wrong in my descriptions?

Post-Friday Night Lights Depression

[Melancholy Sigh]

You guys, I finished watching Friday Night Lights this week. (You may remember me starting this journey a few months ago here.)

And, as you know if you have had the privilege of watching those five seasons, I am now suffering from Post-Friday Night Lights Depression. It feels like I've lost something--or someone, and even though I had an appropriate farewell before it happened, it still hurts, you know?

As part of my healing process, I wanted to share with you my thoughts as a first-time FNL viewer closing this chapter of life.

I'm not sure where to start, because how can I boil my 5-year immersion in Dillon, Texas to a mere 500-800 words?

Out of respect for your time and eye fatigue, I suppose I will go with a list:

1. I am more invested in the East Dillon Lions than any other (actual) football team on the planet.
2. I would vote for Tami Taylor or Eric Taylor for President any day of the week. If they could tag-team it, that would be ideal.
3. I adore Tim Riggins (still), and I can't really blame a girl for trying (ahem, Becky).
4. Landry & Tyra 4-eva.
5. I read something on Facebook recently from someone who said the show is "almost too real to be scripted," and I agree wholeheartedly. At times I couldn't believe they were acting. I love that they talk over each other, have lines with no plot consequence (like Coach ranting about being out of milk while Tami argues with Julie and ignores him), and that they don't always win the games.
6. I originally hated Lyla, but I actually started being glad to see her when she came back from college simply because I felt like I know her and it was good to see a familiar face. Even though she's still KIND OF the worst. At least she brought out even more adorable qualities in Riggins.
7. Mindy (Collette) Riggins became one of my favorite characters in the last couple seasons.I love that FNL developed formerly-minor characters like her, and it didn't feel at all forced.
8. They ALWAYS kept the same actors, even for small parts or bringing back someone we hadn't seen in a while (Tyra's mom, non-essential football players, Devon, Landry's parents, etc.). The same cannot be said for other TV shows (looking at you, Boy Meets World. Topanga had three sets of parents.)
9. The series finale was brilliant and gave me all the closure I wanted, which I appreciate. I like that they didn't stray from what we as an audience wanted to see in the name of being unpredictable. They updated us on everyone we were invested in and kind of dropped us off, waved goodbye and moved on to the next story, which unfortunately, we don't get to be a part of. Like we swooped down on this town 5 years ago, had the privilege of observing it for a while, then zoomed back out and parted ways, sadly but amicably.
10. No one is perfect in this show. Not even Tami or Eric. I love that. When a character was getting into something they shouldn't, you didn't write them off, but you pleaded with them not to do it because you knew it would ultimately hurt them. I also love that even though they made mistakes, most of the characters have good hearts and find their way back to true north. I think that's how we strive to be in real life.

Bonus #11: The ONLY negative thing I could ever say about the show is the inconsistency from season to season. A lot of times it felt disjointed and we skipped so much time that it was hard to adjust. I'm sure that was easier when it was on the air and people weren't watching six episodes at a time on Netflix, but there it is. (I read an oral history of FNL that tells about how uncertain their future was as a show from season to season, so it makes more sense why that was the case.)

I could gush about FNL for another six blog posts, but suffice it to say, you guys were right. It is one of the greatest shows of all time.

Clear eyes, full hearts.

What's your favorite season of FNL? (Mine is 3 or 5)

The Best Sitcom Halloween Episodes

I love holiday-themed sitcom episodes. Why not, you know? They're endearing. And while not every sitcom participates every year in every holiday, most will venture into festive territory at least once in the duration of their time on the small screen.

In honor of Halloween today, I thought I would recount my favorite Halloween episodes.

My top two are no-brainers. For the third and fourth, I crowd-sourced.

1) Friends, Season 8 - "The One With The Halloween Party"

This has actually long been my favorite episode of Friends, period. Which is saying a lot.

This episode is a perfect representation of each of their characters. Monica makes everyone dress up and come to a Halloween party at her house, in true Monica fashion, and each person dresses up as something that encapsulates their personalities:

Joey: Dresses up as Chandler. ["I'm Chandler! Bleharhhrrrr!"] Monica: Dresses up as catwoman in a black catsuit [and later tries to convince Joey she could beat up Phoebe by telling him to punch her in the stomach as hard as he can.] Phoebe: Dresses up as superwoman Rachel: Wears a cocktail dress because she is pregnant and wants to get use out of it before she can't wear it again. Ross: Spud-nik (or as everyone else calls it, Space Doodie) Chandler: The Velveteen Rabbit aka Pink Fluffy Bunny [Monica: "Well, it was either pink bunny or no bunny at all!" Chandler: "No bunny at all! Always no bunny at all!"]

I've memorized this entire episode, so I won't quote the whole thing to you, but the episode features Rachel trying to be good with kids in preparation for being pregnant but terrifying them instead, Ross and Chandler engaging in a pathetic arm wrestling match, and Phoebe hitting on her twin sister's sweaty boyfriend (Sean Penn) who is dressed as a solar system.

It's a fantastic representation of Friends as a whole, and I love it.

2) Community, Season 1 - "Introduction to Statistics"

I think this episode won a lot of people over on Community.

Britta wears a full body squirrel costume (note that this is not "sexy squirrel." Just squirrel.) and carries around a giant acorn the entire time, which is priceless in light of her personality, but the real shining star of this episode is Abed's spot-on Christian Bale Batman impression. His moment arrives when Pierce, in his usual attempts to be hip, trades pills with Starburns and gets high, then constructs a fort out of study room furniture and needs to be rescued from his own nightmare. Abed/Batman swoops in and saves the day, dragging Pierce out of the crumbling fort just before it collapses on top of him.

The whole thing is overdramatic and silly, in the way only Community can accomplish.

3) Modern Family, Season 2 - "Halloween"

I was reminded of this episode on Facebook, and I can't believe I didn't remember it sooner.

Mitchell has the impending-disaster storyline (which always make me anxious) of wearing a costume to work and realizing no one else does it, then attempting to conceal it all day.

Gloria gets made fun of by Manny and Jay for her accent, so she spends the entire end-scene at Claire's haunted house doing a hilarious version of an American accent and over-enunciating the phrase "Welcome to your nightmare! Ha ha ha ha!"

The episode culminates in Claire (who for some reason adores Halloween) assigning everyone a task at the haunted house, and of course no one is cooperating well due to the day's earlier traumatic events. Phil is worried that Claire is going to divorce him because his neighbor got a divorce, so he's emotional and misreads everything she does and says. Cam recounts his traumatic halloween experience which until then he'd been to falsely-proud to tell the story even though he desperately wanted to all day. Hayley is of course being a tool because she's a teenage girl. It's mayhem.

Until somehow it all comes together, of course, the storylines merge and they have a successful haunted house.

4. Boy Meets World, Season 5 - "And Then There Was Shawn"

This isn't technically a "Halloween" episode, but it's a parody of scary movies, so I say it counts.

In this episode, the gang is stuck in a school with a mysterious killer on the loose. Corey and Topanga are broken up, Angela screams a lot, and the best part--Jennifer Love Hewitt guest-stars as Jennifer Love Fefferman. It's filled with references that break the 4th wall and ultimately they learn something about friendship that is currently escaping me.The guys also have some image-shattering conversation about virgins being the ones to live, in which Eric and Jack say they're dead and Shawn says he'll get as sick as you can get without actually dying. Why can't they just let me go on thinking they never do anything unwholesome?

What are your favorite Halloween episodes?

Go On: Community's More Relatable Cousin

You may remember my snap judgment post on Matthew Perry's new show, Go On. If not, essentially I said that it was promising and I (surprisingly) liked it so far. [Saved you approximately six whole minutes of your life, right there.].

I'd like to revisit the show to tell you that it is, in fact, great.

I'm super impressed by both NBC and Matthew Perry's ability to collaborate and produce something not only not-terrible, but quite good.

I laugh out loud, I connect to the characters, and I'm especially loving the Community-esque group dynamic.

I think it's the show's particular brand of group dynamic that makes it uniquely enjoyable.

It's neither Community nor Friends, but somehow blends the characteristics of the two in the best way.

Community is quirk-tastic, which makes for great off-the-wall humor, but it lacks the emotional, down-to-earth side Friends brought to the table. Phoebe was the quirkiest member of the Friends cast, but she was essentially "The Quirky One" in a cast of relatively-normals. With Go On, it's actually the inverse--Matthew Perry plays the every-man and the rest of the people in the group are the quirky ones.

The characters in Go On are without a doubt quirky, similar to Community, but they are rounded out with the emotional, down-to-earth side that Community lacks.

The group itself, I think, becomes the main character, more so even than Matthew Perry's character. They're family already and we're only a few weeks in. Whereas in Community the group is a family in the sense that they argue all the time and act like they don't like each other but secretly do, the Go On cast openly admits they like their weird group and help each other out--but still calling each other out when they do something particularly outrageous.

I like the balance.

They're more like a functional family (a real life functional family, not a perfect family) and Community is all kinds of dysfunctional. I think with Go On, the age gaps and shared real life tragedy grounds them all enough to care about one another instead of their own selfish motives, which I think most of the Community cast has yet to learn.

Of course, Go On is a completely different style of show than Community. It's probably not going to have a cult following and won't do an entire episode like Law & Order or within the Dreamatorium.

But I think the ensembles have a similar setup--all brought together by something outside of themselves--for Community, Spanish. For Go On, life tragedy. They didn't choose each other, and they see themselves as a family, whether functional or not.

Have you given Go On a shot yet? If so, what do you think? Another ex-Friend flop or worth investing in?