James. James Marsden. Pull up a chair.
Enough time has passed where I feel like I can give you a fair assessment of your presence on 30 Rock. And I must say, I'm not entirely convinced.
I liked you in Hairspray. You make a pretty good Cyclops. And what girl didn't love 27 Dresses?
But are you quirky enough to live in the world of 30 Rock? I'm just not so sure. Look at the other people Liz Lemon has dated: Carol, a delusional people-hating pilot, Wesley, an obnoxious British guy she couldn't stand, Jon Hamm (whose character name I can't remember), the dumb yet handsome guy who lived in a metaphorical bubble, Dennis Duffey, the worst ever...and you just waltz in with your nice-guy slacker routine and your second-rate ((The standard is obviously Jack. After all, he has the piercing blue eyes of a Siberian Husky. Or a winter crystal.)) blue eyes and expect us to get on board?
I mean, you're nice enough, but where's your tragic flaw? Where are your hook hands? Where's your balloon boy reenactment?
I know, I know. None of those crazies worked out for ol' Liz Lemon. But come on, give us SOMETHING.
Plus I think you're a little too good-looking to be believable as Liz's boyfriend. Let's just be real. I mean, Tina Fey is pretty in real life. I'm not denying that. But they make so much over Liz looking sloppy and nerdy that they can't just throw in the same guy who played the prince in Enchanted as a feasible long-term option for her. (Jon Hamm of course was handsome, but in an ironic way. And he more than made up for it with his nonsense.) Also you also look significantly too young for Liz. You just do. IMDB says you're only 3 years younger, but somehow you've managed to stay perpetually 28. (Congrats on that, by the way.)
Your relationship makes very little sense and I'm still having trouble suspending my disbelief.
This is Liz Lemon we're talking about. We won't sit idly by as she dates a normal. I think this is that part of the show where the thing the main character has been longing for has to resolve and it's all wah-wah sad trombone (see: life after Jim and Pam get married), but I hate that part of the show. And I think 30 Rock is better than that. There's got to be a better way.
At least Liz is back to her pessimistic, sweatshirt-wearing self now. For the first few episodes, I was worried your presence had transformed Liz Lemon entirely into a boring happy person. Now that she's grumpy at work again I'll let you slide there.
James, I know you're new to 30 Rock. It's hard to measure up to that amount of quirk. But it CAN be done. Avery is one of my favorite characters on the entire series, and she was an add-in. Measure up to Liz's crazy like Avery measures up to Jack's. That's all I'm asking. I can't wait for Avery to come back and say more awesome things like "Ugh, is there gay juice in the champagne?"
Speaking of, where are your memorable quotes, James Marsden? ((I realize this is entirely up to the writers, but this letter is written under the inaccurate assumption that you are 100% responsible for this character.)) I can't quote a single one of your lines since you've been on the show. And that's saying something, because I quote 30 Rock almost daily.
I like you fine. I mean, I would never be tempted to punch you in the face or make you listen to Kenneth read a script out loud. But I also probably wouldn't notice if you just didn't show up the next 10 episodes (Danny, anyone?).
I don't like being wishy-washy about characters. Give me a reason to love you or a reason to hate you. That's all I'm saying. Or else we're revisiting Astronaut Mike Dexter.