I Will Stop (If You Ask Nicely): Perspectives from the Anti-Miley

              Miley at age 20                                        Me at age 20                                                                               (there is nothing even remotely alcoholic in                                                                                that cup)

There are a lot of ways in which I am different from Miley Cyrus. I'm not a child star. My name is generally considered an actual name. I tend to wear clothes in public. Just to name a few.

Perhaps one of the greatest of these, though is my fundamental natural regard for rule-following and the observation of societal norms. From birth, I have perfected the art of being the goodie two-shoes I was created to be, conscience annoyingly ever-present in every situation, whether I liked it or not.

Everyone else blatantly cheating on a super hard pop quiz? Nope, not me. I'll just take a B minus while everyone else gets 100. But hey at least I got the feeling of a job well done, right? (I should have taken the 100.) Playing tricks on a girl at a sleepover? I'll watch from over here, thanks. If the light's been red for five minutes and there's no one around and it's like 11:30 p.m., I still wait. I once cried because a teacher accused me of skipping class when really we were allowed to go home after our AP test.

Due to this I would even dare to call myself the anti-miley in pretty much every way. If someone had given me a global stage and told me to write a song reflecting my worldview and general approach to life, it would have been very different.

It's our party, but I gotta be home by midnight because of my 8am class I took because I needed to have some time open to work my minimum wage on-campus job. La da de da de, I respect authority. I dance conservatively and only occasionally at best. I do take things from somebody and will probably remember it later and cry about it. I will stop. If you ask me to. I, in fact, try to minimize the haters and would really rather people not judge me. Especially God. His standards are not low, you know.

I don't know how kids lost this fear of doing wrong. Since when is "I do wut I wawnt" an acceptable approach to anything past age 3? I blame society for lack of consequences. I'm aware that I sound about 100 years old right now but those darn kids and their rock and roll music!

I'm just saying caring what other people think is not always a bad thing, you know? I mean yes, I could stand to let go of some of it, but you know what? I've never used a foam finger or a sledge hammer for anything other than their intended purposes. I usually keep my tongue in my mouth. I've never slapped a stranger's butt while millions of people watched.

Sometimes fear protects you from things, like speeding trains and US Weekly features. And I for one am glad that my intrinsic rule-following and fear of judgement is actually paying off.

Do you feel like you care too much about what other people think? Where has this paid off or not paid off for you?

Alternatively, Miley's new one is kind of good if you keep your eyes closed when the video is playing, right?

"I Hate The New Miley Song So Hard" - A Poem By Yours Truly

This is an original poem centered entirely around how much I loathe the new Miley Cyrus song and video (above).

[ahem]

How do I hate thee, Miley video? Let me count the ways. I hate your misleading scenes slicing off fake fingers, and "hey, Just for kicks, let's bleed pink Gak!" Oh, you don't remember Gak? That's because you were two years old. Billy Ray was still partyin' in the back.

I hate the way you shake your badonk and writhe in see-through clothes. I hate the way you lick the air like anything raunchy goes.

I hate the dancing teddy bears. I hate that you clutch others' butts. You used to be Hannah Montana. Now you just have ridiculous haircuts.

I hate your obvious drug references and invoking of God's name. I know you think he's not judging you, but I'm pretty sure this is fair game.

I hate that you chose to let people shoot smoke out of a hose held in their crotches. I hate that you can't keep your gum in your mouth and really, your face, to be honest.

I hate that you brought bread into this. What did it ever do to you? Why did you make money sandwiches and hoard piles of the slices too?

I hate the product placement for those round chapsticks. I especially hate all the tongues. I hate the creepy floating mask. I wish this had never been sung.

I hate that you idolize strip clubs. Don't you know they degrade women? I hate that you think you're a thug. Don't you dare think about putting a grill in.

I hate that this video got so many views, And of those I was at least three. I hate that I don't know what twerking is Or why you insist on making it your thing.

So count me as one of your haters. See if I even care. Because I hate this song with all my heart. ...I'm gonna go listen to "Party in the USA" again and pretend this never happened.

What is your least favorite part of this obnoxious crazy parade?

Snoop Dogg (I mean...Lion) and Miley Sing About Drugs

Has Snoop Dogg lost our respect by now or are we still pretending that he's a legitimate artist? Anyone that changes their name more than once is immediately written off as self-indulgent in my book. I mean if you're changing your name once, that's a little presumptuous in and of itself, but eventually society will accept it and move on. Doing it again means you're assuming we 1) care enough about you to change it in our minds and vocabulary and 2) that we will just go along with whatever nonsense you spew out about what you want to be called. You don't get to choose what you're called. It chooses you. Or your parents choose it. Or you choose it before you get famous. But you don't get to change it after the fact. It's a rule of life.

Snoop Dogg has reached this point. First it was P.Diddy, now this. Even Charlie Sheen has decided to change his name...to his real name. Am I the only one who didn't know or care that Charlie Sheen was not his real name? Whatever, we're done with him anyway. "Winning" was funny for like five minutes but go away, Sheen. I mean, Estevez.

Anyway, all this is to say that Snoop Dogg has insisted on being called Snoop LION which somehow makes even less sense. I associate Snoop Dogg with Snoopy who is actually a dog so I guess it kind of works in my brain, but I will not accept Lion.

So he is now self-proclaimed Snoop Lion and apparently thinks he is Bob Marley reincarnate. Like, really. He does. I'm not just saying that because of the song I am about to share with you.

This particular song, "Ashtrays and Heartbreaks" (you read that right) is a new release from Snoop featuring Miley Cyrus.

You might be thinking, "What? No. WHAT? NO." Because that is exactly what my reaction was.

The combination of the name change and the colab with the troubled teen star and the name of the song is a shockingly terrible cocktail of ridiculousness.

It's like they were at an improv show and someone yelled out, "Snoop Dog! No, he's changed his name to snoop LION because he thinks it reflects his new identity as Bob Marley incarnate! Now add Miley Cyrus! Now sing about drugs! Go!"

But this is our life now, America. This is our Amanda-Bynes-Twitter-feed-saturated life.

Here is the video for the song:

The second-most annoying thing about this video is there is no straight-on shots of anyone. How am I supposed to properly assess and judge their appearances (looking at you, Miley) if I can't quite decipher what they are wearing?

But the gold-medal most annoying thing is that I ACTUALLY STARTED TO LIKE THIS SONG.

What is happening to me? What is happening to society?

I expected this song to be awful, and it wasn't half bad. I expected Miley's new single to be catchy (a la Party In The USA) and it was the worst thing I've ever listened to.

I give up.

Do you support the whole Snoop Lion thing? Or Miley Cyrus? Or Amanda Bynes, for that matter?

What do you rate this song on a scale of 1 to "Mirrors" by JT?

MILEY CUT HER FINGER YOU GUYS

[Excuse me a moment while I get all Knox McCoy on you.] Oh em gee. Guys. Are you ready for this? I don't know that you are. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind, because this is going to make it implode.

MILEY CUT HER FINGER. WITH A COOKING KNIFE. [article here]

It's okay, just try to keep breathing. Go get a paper bag if you need to. I'm not sure how that actually helps hyperventilation, but they do it in the movies so it's got to be effective.

I know what you're thinking:

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF HER FINGER AT THE TIME?

Why was she cutting her own food? Don't they know who she is? Does Billy Ray's soul patch know about this?

Why do bad things happen to mediocre people?

Don't worry though. According to the article, this unflattering picture of her suggests that she is uncomfortable, but stable:

Miley, I know it's tough to go through something like this. Especially in the public eye. But like Kelly Clarkson says, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You will rise from the ashes of this tragedy like a phoenix, with a renewed vigor for life and that same perpetual frog in your throat. And we will watch with anticipation and reverence as you continue on your path to self-discovery. Because, as you know, it's all about the climb. (See what I did there?)

Get well soon, Miley. We're all rooting for you.