modern family

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Are Cam and Mitchell the Worst Parents Ever?

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I feel like we've given Cam and Mitchell a long enough learning curve, here. They've had Lilly for approximately five years. (I think. It's hard to tell because she aged up 2 years over one summer when they downgraded to Lilly 2.0.)

It's time to get real with them.

I mean, they're terrible parents, right?

They let that turdwagon get away with everything. I get they're excited to have a kid and everything after a long process and are just so grateful to have her, but come on. There is such thing as tough love. And not-letting-your-kids-turn-into-entitled-daddy's-girls.

She's kind of a terror. I would hate to be stuck babysitting her. She has never once been disciplined appropriately. The most she ever gets is "now, sweetie, let's not do that..." or "oh no maybe she is getting her terrible behavior from us and we need to start acting better."

Ugh.

She sasses them constantly, never does what they ask her to do, disrespects other adults...it's time to lay down the law with that kid, and, y'know, not give her a powerwheels convertible because you feel bad for not having a cookie with her over the phone and proceed to let her crash it inside the house.

These are not hard parenting concepts. I know I'm not a parent, but I have successfully babysat (and/or run a two-year-old Sunday school class) hundreds of times and never once let a child crash a powerwheels car inside the house. I don't feel like that's too much to ask of you as a parent.

I think she's going to end up being a bully. I'm willing to bet she doesn't play well with others at preschool. She's that kid who thinks everything is hers and has never heard the word "share," isn't she? That kid is always the worst.

I was hoping someone out in the world who loves me would have put together a montage of all her sass on youtube, but alas, I did not find one.

What I did find is this:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHdAjbCKlQM]

 

OMG. Y'all. She is like this ALL the time.

Is this skit actually a little TOO real? I'm asking. (But really I'm telling. It is. It's at least a warning sign of things to come.)

So Cam and Mitch, how about a little less "you're the most special person in the world" and a little more "life's tough, get a helmet?"*

I quote Tina Fey [in Bossypants] when I say,

Is this not the absolute worst thing you could instill in a child? They're the most important person? In the world? That's what they already think. You need to teach them the opposite. They need to be a little afraid of what will happen if they lose the top of their Grizzly Adams thermos.

Lilly needs to be even just the tiniest bit afraid of what will happen if she loses her Grizzly Adams thermos. That's all I'm saying.

Are you on board with Cam & Mitch's passive parenting or do you think she needs to get a time-out or two every once and a while?

*copyright Boy Meets World circa 1998.

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The Best Sitcom Halloween Episodes

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Photobucket I love holiday-themed sitcom episodes. Why not, you know? They're endearing. And while not every sitcom participates every year in every holiday, most will venture into festive territory at least once in the duration of their time on the small screen.

In honor of Halloween today, I thought I would recount my favorite Halloween episodes.

My top two are no-brainers. For the third and fourth, I crowd-sourced.

1) Friends, Season 8 - "The One With The Halloween Party"

This has actually long been my favorite episode of Friends, period. Which is saying a lot.

This episode is a perfect representation of each of their characters. Monica makes everyone dress up and come to a Halloween party at her house, in true Monica fashion, and each person dresses up as something that encapsulates their personalities:

Joey: Dresses up as Chandler. ["I'm Chandler! Bleharhhrrrr!"] Monica: Dresses up as catwoman in a black catsuit [and later tries to convince Joey she could beat up Phoebe by telling him to punch her in the stomach as hard as he can.] Phoebe: Dresses up as superwoman Rachel: Wears a cocktail dress because she is pregnant and wants to get use out of it before she can't wear it again. Ross: Spud-nik (or as everyone else calls it, Space Doodie) Chandler: The Velveteen Rabbit aka Pink Fluffy Bunny [Monica: "Well, it was either pink bunny or no bunny at all!" Chandler: "No bunny at all! Always no bunny at all!"]

I've memorized this entire episode, so I won't quote the whole thing to you, but the episode features Rachel trying to be good with kids in preparation for being pregnant but terrifying them instead, Ross and Chandler engaging in a pathetic arm wrestling match, and Phoebe hitting on her twin sister's sweaty boyfriend (Sean Penn) who is dressed as a solar system.

It's a fantastic representation of Friends as a whole, and I love it.

2) Community, Season 1 - "Introduction to Statistics"

I think this episode won a lot of people over on Community.

Britta wears a full body squirrel costume (note that this is not "sexy squirrel." Just squirrel.) and carries around a giant acorn the entire time, which is priceless in light of her personality, but the real shining star of this episode is Abed's spot-on Christian Bale Batman impression. His moment arrives when Pierce, in his usual attempts to be hip, trades pills with Starburns and gets high, then constructs a fort out of study room furniture and needs to be rescued from his own nightmare. Abed/Batman swoops in and saves the day, dragging Pierce out of the crumbling fort just before it collapses on top of him.

The whole thing is overdramatic and silly, in the way only Community can accomplish.

3) Modern Family, Season 2 - "Halloween"

I was reminded of this episode on Facebook, and I can't believe I didn't remember it sooner.

Mitchell has the impending-disaster storyline (which always make me anxious) of wearing a costume to work and realizing no one else does it, then attempting to conceal it all day.

Gloria gets made fun of by Manny and Jay for her accent, so she spends the entire end-scene at Claire's haunted house doing a hilarious version of an American accent and over-enunciating the phrase "Welcome to your nightmare! Ha ha ha ha!"

The episode culminates in Claire (who for some reason adores Halloween) assigning everyone a task at the haunted house, and of course no one is cooperating well due to the day's earlier traumatic events. Phil is worried that Claire is going to divorce him because his neighbor got a divorce, so he's emotional and misreads everything she does and says. Cam recounts his traumatic halloween experience which until then he'd been to falsely-proud to tell the story even though he desperately wanted to all day. Hayley is of course being a tool because she's a teenage girl. It's mayhem.

Until somehow it all comes together, of course, the storylines merge and they have a successful haunted house.

4. Boy Meets World, Season 5 - "And Then There Was Shawn"

This isn't technically a "Halloween" episode, but it's a parody of scary movies, so I say it counts.

In this episode, the gang is stuck in a school with a mysterious killer on the loose. Corey and Topanga are broken up, Angela screams a lot, and the best part--Jennifer Love Hewitt guest-stars as Jennifer Love Fefferman. It's filled with references that break the 4th wall and ultimately they learn something about friendship that is currently escaping me.The guys also have some image-shattering conversation about virgins being the ones to live, in which Eric and Jack say they're dead and Shawn says he'll get as sick as you can get without actually dying. Why can't they just let me go on thinking they never do anything unwholesome?

What are your favorite Halloween episodes?

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Possible Career Paths for Manny from Modern Family

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Photobucket Manny Delgado is a man like none other. He dons a burgundy dinner jacket. He writes poetry. He drinks espresso. He's 4 feet, 11 inches of pure class.

But you can't make any money for being the embodiment of suave. As Manny gets older, he's going to want to start thinking about a career path.

Luckily, I'm here to help him out with that. Given his current interests and personality, and considering the fact that most typical work environments would probably get him beat up, here are a few of my suggestions:

-Professor of Love (Or Paleontology) First of all, Manny is a connoisseur of the ladies. They may not always appreciate his charm, but we all know he's got it. That's enough qualification right there. That, combined with the image I can't shake of Future Manny wearing a jacket with suede elbow patches, leads me to believe he'd make a perfect Professor of Love. Perhaps with an accompanying video series, which I feel like would be on VHS even though that technology would be about 25 years too old by then.

Though if no one in 2022 is in the market for such a person, either because we've all been desensitized to real feelings by the media or we only interact via the internet, I would suggest Professor of Paleontology as a backup. Mostly just because of the suede elbow patches. And the fact that Manny once had a reptile as a pet.

-Greeting card poem writer This profession allows Manny to utilize his passion for the metered word to bring joy to millions. To bring an air of sophistication back to the greeting card industry among the hordes of Awkward Family Photo birthday cards, beer-related jokes and the various array of "you're HOW old?" cards. (Which, by the way, are we STILL doing that? Really guys? Does anyone even buy those cards anymore? Someone should get fired.)

-Golf attire model Is there anyone that sports one of those knit hats with the pom-pom or a pastel-colored sweater vest better than Manny Delgado? I submit that there is not. Think of the possibilities: catalogs, websites, commercials, billboards, holograms (it's the future, guys)! Everywhere you go, it's MANNY. Just Manny.

His fame will grow so exponentially that only a first name will be required. Easter-colored golf attire will even make a comeback among professionals. Who doesn't want to see The Next Tiger Woods rock the pink-and-green plaid? And we'll have Manny to thank. And me, for suggesting it. So, you're welcome, The Next Tiger Woods. You're welcome.

-Cliche generator Do you ever wonder how cliches even get started? How do they become a thing? I have no idea, but I do know that many cliches eventually just drop out of the language gradually until no one says them anymore. Like "on the double!" (I learned that from A Christmas Story.)

I do not want the rich tapestry of the English language to unravel because no one is bothering to come up with new cliches. Enter Manny Delgado. I can think of no one better at perpetuating cliches than him, due to the nature of these gems:

"She's like a dream, wrapped in a wish, poured into jeggings."

"You're playing fast and loose with my soul."

"You have a laugh that makes science class seem like recess."

-Advice columnist I, for one, would read "Dear Manny" every week if it appeared in my paper. Boy's got some wisdom. Due to the nature of his old soul, when Manny is 22, it will seem more like he's 62. Think of all the knowledge he will have in that season of life! Oh, the things he will have seen! Who wouldn't listen to a 62-year-old's advice? Well, stubborn hoodlums, that's who. But stubborn hoodlums don't read the paper, so I think we're safe.

So Manny, you're welcome. You have a plethora of career paths to choose from thanks to yours truly. Go forth and continue your legacy wherever life may take you.

What other suggestions do you have for Manny?