Baby Mendes-Gosling

Where were you when you heard the news? (Apologies if it's where you're sitting right now.)

I was just sitting in my work chair, minding my own business, scrolling through my Twitter feed, when I noticed Elan Gale (one of the producers of The Bachelor/ette — haters to the left) say something sarcastic about Ryan Gosling regurgitating food into the mouth of Eva Mendes’ child, which I thought was strange, but so are most things Elan Gale tweets (and NSFW, just a heads up). I kept scrolling and saw another post from Elan, this time with an accompanying photo stating “RYAN GOSLING IS HAVING A BABY WITHOUT YOU.”

Wait a second. Ryan Gosling is going to be a FATHER?

A Google search of "Ryan Gosling" later, and wait TWO seconds. Ryan Gosling is going to be a father to the child of EVA MENDES, who is decidedly NOT Rachel McAdams? Is there no justice in the world?

I’m appalled on Rachel’s behalf. How DARE he procreate with anyone other than his Canadian-match-made-in-heaven. Who does he think he is? Those babies would have been PRECIOUS. I mean, have all the fun you want with whoever, but when you were ready to settle down, RYAN, you were supposed to go back to Rachel. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. For the record, I didn't even know Ryan Gosling was dating Eva Mendes. That's how little I care about him dating anyone other than Rachel McAdams. Eva Mendes had better watch her back. Did you see Red Eye? Rachel's feisty. And so is America when you mess with our celebrity couple dreams.

Aside from The Rachel Betrayal, I’m simply a concerned citizen. I mean LOOK AT THIS PAIR. Will this baby be too pretty to even exist? Will it just shine like the light of a million suns wherever it goes to the point that no one can even look directly at it?

Is this an experiment to see if it’s scientifically possible to create The Most Beautiful Child in All of History or if it’s just like magnets and two really pretty people’s genes just repel each other and the baby ends up resembling a space alien more than anything else?

I can’t believe there are still people on my Twitter feed talking about the World Cup. There is going to be a human walking around who is half Ryan Gosling and half Eva Mendes.

I just can’t.

Leave your condolences for Rachel and angry rants for Ryan below.

{sobs} I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE BIRDS!! BIRDS!!

Tumblrs Becoming Books, or "What I'm Doing Wrong"

You guys, I need to draw your attention to something.

I don't know when book publishers started valuing the short-lived success of Internet memes enough to pour hard-earned cash into publishing a book based on an unknown 20-something's Tumblr blog, but it is HAPPENING.

And I want in.

Suri's Burn Book (which I adore) recently became an actual book, and I also just discovered Feminist Ryan Gosling has become a real live printed book.

At least Suri's Burn Book requires chapters and sentences and syntax. Feminist Ryan Gosling is literally just "hey girl, [insert a phrase that incorporates a feminist theory and makes women feel good]" on top of a picture of Ryan Gosling. And the powers that be made it into a BOOK.

Real talk: HOW do I get on this train?

I like Ryan Gosling as much as the next girl. I consider myself somewhat of a pop-culture connoisseur. Why can't my book be the next ironic coffee table book you give to your best friend for Christmas, y'know?

I would also like to know how this author is getting around intellectual property rights at this point when she is assumably traipsing around the Internet stealing random photos of Ryan Gosling and writing on top of them. I don't know her personally, but I'm about 99.9 percent certain she's not BFF's with ol' RyGos, taking her own portraits of him on their frequent outings together. How is she accomplishing this? I'm asking. I want to know what she knows.

I'm sure the photos in the book were approved and paid for appropriately, but at this level of notoriety, is no one coming after her for the blog? Maybe Ryan Gosling just doesn't care. That'd be so Ryan Gosling of him.

Exasperated Agent Guy: "Ryan, this girl is using and benefitting from your likeness in her own professional endeavors." Ryan Gosling: "Whatevs, I'm no stick in the mud, I'm going to go wear suspenders and read Tolstoy or something." Exasperated Agent Guy: [HEAVY SIGH]

For what (preferably laid-back and/or not-Internet-savvy) celebrity can I imagine a personality and develop a wildly successful blog around that turns into wildly successful picture book?

It's time to put away those lofty dreams of affecting hearts and minds with the written word. This sounds like more fun.

Just think of it: young professionals with expendable income and an appreciation for pop culture references will pour over the pages, laughing and saying things like "Oh that Laura McClellan, she slays me" or "I have to show this to Piper. He or she will get a total kick out of this." (That's what hip kind of people will be reading it. People named Piper.)

I mean, at what point in society will I be able to make a living by running my unsolicited commentary about celebrities? Is that asking too much? Does Perez Hilton corner the market on that one? Because I'm not about to go toe to toe with that guy. I think I'd go zero to crying mess in about 4 seconds. (I don't like confrontation and I don't let sass roll off me very well. I can dish it out, but I can't take it, ok?)

I think I'm going off the rails, here.

All that to say, I think I have a new life-goal. Catch me in a clearance bin at a Barnes and Noble near you in about 18 months.*

Who should be my celebrity target for this new endeavor? I'm open to suggestion.

*Let it be known that I would consider it a privilege and an honor to even have a book at all, let alone for it to be thrown in a bin in a real live bookstore alongside legitimate authors.