Baby Mendes-Gosling

Where were you when you heard the news? (Apologies if it's where you're sitting right now.)

I was just sitting in my work chair, minding my own business, scrolling through my Twitter feed, when I noticed Elan Gale (one of the producers of The Bachelor/ette — haters to the left) say something sarcastic about Ryan Gosling regurgitating food into the mouth of Eva Mendes’ child, which I thought was strange, but so are most things Elan Gale tweets (and NSFW, just a heads up). I kept scrolling and saw another post from Elan, this time with an accompanying photo stating “RYAN GOSLING IS HAVING A BABY WITHOUT YOU.”

Wait a second. Ryan Gosling is going to be a FATHER?

A Google search of "Ryan Gosling" later, and wait TWO seconds. Ryan Gosling is going to be a father to the child of EVA MENDES, who is decidedly NOT Rachel McAdams? Is there no justice in the world?

I’m appalled on Rachel’s behalf. How DARE he procreate with anyone other than his Canadian-match-made-in-heaven. Who does he think he is? Those babies would have been PRECIOUS. I mean, have all the fun you want with whoever, but when you were ready to settle down, RYAN, you were supposed to go back to Rachel. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. For the record, I didn't even know Ryan Gosling was dating Eva Mendes. That's how little I care about him dating anyone other than Rachel McAdams. Eva Mendes had better watch her back. Did you see Red Eye? Rachel's feisty. And so is America when you mess with our celebrity couple dreams.

Aside from The Rachel Betrayal, I’m simply a concerned citizen. I mean LOOK AT THIS PAIR. Will this baby be too pretty to even exist? Will it just shine like the light of a million suns wherever it goes to the point that no one can even look directly at it?

Is this an experiment to see if it’s scientifically possible to create The Most Beautiful Child in All of History or if it’s just like magnets and two really pretty people’s genes just repel each other and the baby ends up resembling a space alien more than anything else?

I can’t believe there are still people on my Twitter feed talking about the World Cup. There is going to be a human walking around who is half Ryan Gosling and half Eva Mendes.

I just can’t.

Leave your condolences for Rachel and angry rants for Ryan below.

{sobs} I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE BIRDS!! BIRDS!!

Things I Now Have to Worry About

There has been a lot of disturbing news floating around lately. Things I did not really need to know. Frightening things. In the spirit of catharsis, thought I'd take a minute to get some of my feelings out about them. (I have many. Shocking, I know.) Exploding whales - This is a legitimate news story in which a real live person said that it might be an actual concern that some beached whales could explode. EX. PLODE. Whale guts everywhere. IMAGINE THE SMELL. Burnt whale guts. I'm just saying, I'm right to be fearful of this situation, yes? I mean, okay, I live in a land-locked state. But just the fact that this could happen in real life is enough to cause concern. I do, however, think this would do well as the next Sharknado. Send me a royalty check if you create it.

Falling INTO a potentially-explosive whale - In what scenario am I walking so close to a beached whale that I might just trip and fall in? I’ve just been informed that they may explode. I think I’ll keep my distance. But just for the sake of argument, say I do fall INTO a whale. I’m not sure what I would even do. Gag, probably. But after that. Can I scream for help? Is anyone else close enough by to help me or are they respecting the beached whale’s personal space like a sensible human being? Is there cell service inside a whale? How am I getting out of this situation? If it’s anything like the cartoons (which this scenario totally is), hopefully I’d have a little stick with a white banner tied to it I could pull out of my pocket and wave out the whale’s mouth, and someone would see it and try to pull me out 20 different ways as hilarity ensued. Anyway. Don’t go near beached whales, you guys. They might explode and/or swallow you.

Sinkholes - This is not a recent development, but ever since the Nashville flood in 2010, I have become increasingly aware of the earth’s ability to simply GIVE WAY beneath me, causing me to plummet into a crater. This is not okay. I pay good money to live on this earth, and I will not have it collapsing under my feet. It’s completely unnerving to know I could just be walking down the sidewalk and end up in a 10-foot deep ditch. Though I guess it would be better than a whale’s intestines.

Volcanic islands eating my island. (If I had an island.) - That’s right — islands can now eat other islands. So sleep well tonight, Hawaii. I just think it's a shame that I could work really hard to write the next great American novel and get rich enough to buy my own island and then another island could just come up and eat it before I even get a chance to set up my hammock. Rude.

Goblin sharks - No. Just no. Sharks are frightening enough without having to look like they came out of Tim Burton’s nightmares. And of course this happened in Florida. Can we just make them secede already? Pass around a petition? Sure, it would give us an uneven number of states, but at least we could round off the bottom right corner and be a little more symmetrical. They’re only bringing us down, America.

Test tube meat - First of all, is this not what SPAM is? Second of all, what if the genetic modification somehow goes wrong and it learns to survive on its own? What if it becomes self-aware and starts trying to contribute to society and get a driver's license and stuff? What if the scientists get drunk on power and success and clone the live-meat specimens and assign monitors to them and one goes rogue and starts killing them all like in Orphan Black? I'm just saying maybe there's a better way to use our time, SCIENCE.

Capsizing ferries - Aren’t ferries supposed to be buoyant enough to carry SEVERAL vehicles and only move at like 4 miles an hour? The fact that one capsized does not make me feel great about visiting the Statue of Liberty any time soon.

All that to say, there is a lot of ridiculous things going on around here. I'm going to choose to ignore them all and watch cat videos instead.

What's the scariest and/or craziest news you've heard lately? Are you concerned about sink holes or exploding whales?

Disclaimer: it is entirely possible that my understanding of these news stories from reading the first few paragraphs may include flawed logic or misapplied scientific theories. I would not recommend using this post as a source for your biology or econ final, but I'm also not the boss of you.

A Britney Song A Day Keeps the Pirates Away

Do you have a pirate problem? Are you tired of taking your boat out to sea only to be driven away or invaded by swashbuckling seafarers? Wish you had a way you could just make them leave instantly?

Have I got a solution for you: Britney.

Yes, THE Britney.

According to this article, ol’ Brit’s chart toppers are just so offensive to Somali pirates, that all they have to do is blare “Baby One More Time” or “Oops I Did It Again” and the pirates literally turn around and go away.

Isn’t that just the greatest visual you have ever pictured?

How do you think they do it? Does John Cusack like come out and hold a boom box in the air above his head for three minutes? Do they play it over a bullhorn? Do they bring out special musical guests now and again for variety but make them cover one of Britney’s mega hits? Was it ever Mumford and Sons? I hope it was Mumford and Sons. (Y’know, up until recently. Ahem……….)

I also want to know how this was first discovered. I hope someone was sitting in the boat legitimately listening to “Oops I Did It Again” because it was his turn to pick the music that day and he was trying to explain to them that it was a classic in the American canon. He turned it up really loud at the bridge (which is really just the chorus, varied slightly melodically, like many pop songs in the late 90’s), and just as he did, they saw the pirate flag in the distance.

The crew raced around the ship trying to make preparations while the music picker just stood by the stereo staring into the distance while the music blared (“oops I, did it again to your heaaaarrrrt…”), thinking these might be his last moments—nay—his last time to ever hear this song. He stood there, soaking it all in, and decided to turn it up even louder, despite the chaos, since this might very well be the last song he ever hears.

Everyone else is yelling at him to turn it off because they need to talk about their game plan for dealing with Somali pirates, but music picker just watches the pirates come closer and closer, until something strange happens. The ship starts turning away. Music picker grabs his telescope and looks at the pirates—they’re covering their ears and writhing on the ground! The captain is yelling and turning the ship around. They’d done it!

He looked at the stereo as Britney finishes her last line, pats it on the top and says, “well done, ol’ girl. well done.”

And that’s how I hope it happened.

The article says they just hate all things Western culture so Britney is a perfect example of that. I like that they hate it so much they literally just give up and go away. Just amazing.

The story also goes on to say that Britney's are not the only American pop songs that have been used to torture people in the past. “Slim Shady” was once played on a loop for 20 days in a prison and some people actually went crazy. (WHO WOULDN’T? 20 DAYS OF SLIM SHADY EVERY MINUTE EVERY HOUR? No thanks.) Metallica’s music and even Barney’s “I Love You” song have been used similarly.

So there you have it. Though to be fair, I feel like if you play ANY song on a loop for 20 days, people will lose it.

What song would make you lose your mind if you had to listen to it on a loop for 20 days?

P.S. Happy Halloween! (This post was totally Halloween-themed because pirates.)

JC Chasez Starts a Cult--I Mean Girl Group

Once upon a time, there was a man named JC Chasez. As an adolescent, JC was on top of the world. Spiked hair, four best friends, dream job and ladies everywhere he looked. Yes, JC was living the dream. Until one day around 2003 he woke up. His best friend had abandoned him for a solo career, and there was nothing left to do but make it on his own.

A failed solo career and a few hosting gigs later, JC Chasez is back. And not just because N*Sync might be performing at the VMA's (Remember the VMA's? Is this them trying to get us to remember the VMA's?).

JC Chasez has formed a girl group.

Unfortunately he is not part of this group, but he is the orchestrator, and it has what appears to be about 800 members.

The group is called Girl Radical, and according to their website it's inspired by the success of Japanese giant girl groups (these sound only vaguely familiar to me) and is "part flash mob, part girl group, all personality."

...

Sorry I'm back I just had to go vomit real quick. Really? PART FLASH MOB? I thought we were done with flash mobs?! Why are you doing this to us, JC? Are you trying to outdo James Franco? This really feels like a James Franco kind of move. (Heads up: you will never out-crazy James Franco.)

What makes this whole operation even more Franco-esque is the fact that, according to this article, the girls actually changed their last name to "Radical." Not necessarily legally, but it is what they are going by. Additionally the member put together a video for James Franco I mean JC Chasez' birthday thanking him for all he's done for them (NEWSFLASH: you are not Beyonce yet) and are we not getting a little bit nervous at this point?

And it's all for THIS. This is the kind of nonsense this group churns out:

First of all, they are all singing in unison, and to the regular radio track in which the vocals are STILL THERE. First rule of karaoke is you cannot sing OVER TOP of the original vocals. Second of all, look how much those people hate their lives. That is because of YOU, Girl Radical. That's on you. Third of all, that song? Really?

This is their first music video. A cover of "Just a Girl" by No Doubt. Hold onto your butts, anyone who respects the art of music, because it's a doozy:

I feel like as a woman they want me to be all "Yeah! You go! Girl Power! Spice up your life!" But I JUST CAN'T because it is SO awful.

1) The arrangement, I just…no. 2) The rapping, no even more. 3) They are terrible lip syncers. 4) Why do they look like I bought a variety pack of the same woman prototype? 5) YOU STOP DOING THIS TO GWEN STEFANI. What did she ever do to you? You are not even perpetuating what this song is about. She would be appalled. APPALLED, I say. SHE is "Girl Power!" YOU are "Please stop trying to represent women because I did not ask for this." She is awesome and you are the worst.

Additionally let me just say that this many women cannot be in a group together and remain all smiley and "these women are my BAST frands" (noted in the JC Birthday video). It will not work. It's science. Women do not just…get along…like that. Especially considering the amount of insecurity trapped within any given one of these girls. Have these people ever seen The Bachelor? This is why the guys leave The Bachelorette with all 25 of them being Bros 4 Lyfe and the girls might find one person they take Instagrams with but other than that, no. That never happens. Not even in non-hollywood life. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I'm just saying it's a thing. Groups of about 5 or less and we're done here. After that it starts splitting into cliques and it's all downhill from there.

Mark my words: this will not end well.

But hey all ol' JC would have to do is get a few other beautiful women with long hair, varying ethnicities and about 5' 9" and no one would ever notice.

So in conclusion, JC Chasez started a delusional girl group that is really more like a mini-cult.

Is this or is this not the most awful thing you've ever seen?

Thanks to Jackson Pearce for alerting me to this ridiculousness. You should follow her, by the way. She is an author and she is funny.

Disturbing Headline OTD: Tuna Capsizes Boat, Drags Man Into Sea

Fish are creepy. Let's just be honest. I put them in a similar category as birds, in which they are fine from a distance--sometimes even enjoyable, depending on the variety-- but if one gets too close or, heaven forbid, TOUCHES me? That's another story entirely. Get it away from me. Immediately. Fish can also apparently be very strong, which makes them even more terrifying. I didn't even know how terrified I should be of fish until now.

Why? Because a man in Hawaii was recently DRUG INTO THE OPEN SEA by a giant tunafish.

A TUNAFISH.

I don't understand how something that comes in a tiny aluminum can with a pop top can be so horrific. I mean the one on the label looks so nice, with his glasses and everything:

Actually now that I think about it he kind of looks smug with his beret and eyebrows and all but still, NOT HORRIFYING.

Apparently tunas can grow to be like six feet long and are marked by an iron resolve to not go down easy and an affinity for dragging people into the sea.

WHO KNEW?

Well, poor 54-year-old Anthony Wichman knows. Thankfully he's alive, but can you imagine being drowned by a giant fish? Just being drug down to the depths on fishing wire by glorified cat food?

They were able to find him by his cell phone signal, because he apparently was able to call his daughter during this fiasco whilst clinging to his capsized boat and choke out the words "sinking" and "coast guard." Luckily his daughter is insightful and took this to mean "Help, I am being drug into the sea by a giant tuna fish and need you to please call the coast guard to rescue me before I die."

His friends later brought his boat in to shore and found that the tuna was STILL THERE, attached to the boat. What did I tell you? RESOLVE. Pure, unadulterated determination.

Wichman and his family told the fishermen friends to keep the tuna as a token of appreciation, but I'm thinking it was more of a "no really, you can keep it" "no, you earned it, you should keep it" "no, no, it's yours" which eventually ended in the Wichmans insisting their take it away as a "token of appreciation." I mean that fish is this man's NEMESIS. Plus it's probably willing itself to live so it can plot its revenge, and no one needs that hanging over their heads (literally, if they mount their conquests on the wall) once they've survived nearly drowning by tunafish. Hopefully they did the right thing and turned him in to a tuna packaging plant or something.

So next time you pop open a can of Starkist and you taste a slight hint of vengeance, just remember ol' Wichman and chew extra hard for him.

Has a fish ever touched you in the ocean? Did you or did you not freak out?

Giant Snail Invasion [This Is Not A Drill]

My fellow Americans, I don't know how to tell you this. There's no combination of words that would make this news easier to swallow, so I'm just going to have to lay it out there. The United States of America is under attack.

By whom, you may ask?

Giant snails.

Giant, creepy, African snails are currently slithering their way across backyards in Florida (because OF COURSE it's Florida) until they have their way and eat all our oranges.

To properly convey the level of terrified you should be, allow me to share some unnerving facts about these slimy beasts.

1) These snails can grow larger than a baseball:

I MEAN WHAT THE WHAT. That thing could suck your face off.

2) They have no natural predator. According to the video, agriculturists usually try to eradicate pests with natural predators to be all PC and not tick off PETA or whatever, but nothing in the wild eats these things. Probably because they taste like hatred and unjustified revenge and mucus. So they just go on reproducing and eating all our food until we eventually die off and snails take over the continental United States and rename it Snailtopia and then China WINS. And we don't want that.

3) They can lay up to 1200 eggs PER YEAR PER SNAIL. TWELVE ZERO ZERO. This is not conducive to avoiding Snailtopia.

4) They eat "literally everything that grows." People grow. Are we a target? Well, we grow for a little while. Maybe I should revise that to "children grow." OMG are the children in danger? This thing just got real. Eradicate the snails... FOR THE CHILDREN.

Keeping all of these horrifying factoids in mind, the state of Florida has assembled a team of SNAIL HUNTERS (trademark pending, probably) to go around to people's backyards and dig up African Land Snails so that we don't become slaves of a snail race in 2054, which I appreciate, considering how much Dr. Who I've been watching lately.

I also enjoy the fact that someone will be able to put "SNAIL HUNTER" on their resume for the rest of their lives if they so choose (I totally would).

Florida is confident that they will "win the snail battle." Let's hope so. I am far too wimpy to do manual labor for snail kings.

Join with me in the fight to prevent Snailtopia. Y'know, in spirit. Because I am not going anywhere near those things.

Chris Hadfield, Space Hero

Outer space is fascinating. It's one of those concepts that sounds insane for it to even exist--like it's just this fun story to tell kids and make sweet dioramas about but not a real thing. Kind of like dinosaurs. (Those things were REAL you guys. I can't be the only one who thinks that is strange.) This is mostly because of my own self-absorbed hyper focus on what is happening in my tiny corner of one tiny continent on one tiny planet in the universe. I rarely think about space.

But it's there. Things exist outside our planet. It's hard to believe sometimes those planets and stars and various arrays of space-rocks in the photos are actually real and that people have seen them. You guys, people have WALKED on the MOON. Why are we not more impressed by this on a daily basis? We should just walk around going "YOU GUYS THERE IS AN AMERICAN FLAG ON A BALL OF ROCK FLOATING IN THE BLACK NOTHINGNESS MILLIONS OF MILES FROM OUR PLANET" like all the time.

I mean people voluntarily LEAVE our PLANET and just float around amid balls of gas and nothingness...for science! And that's really it. No other reason than just to know things. Space is awesome.

All that to say, if you haven't heard, there is a fellow out on the International Space Station right now* who has been filming the greatest youtube videos of all time. His name is Chris Hadfield. He's Canadian (what up) and is doing all sorts of fun show-and-tell videos about what it's like to live in space.

First of all WHY has no one done this before? Why has no one else wrung out a wet washcloth in space and filmed it for the rest of us to see? Why has no one showed us how to eat gross rehydrated spinach or sing David Bowie or brush your teeth in space?

Well, Chris here has stepped it up and filled that void in the human experience.

I am learning so much from this guy, including the fact that they can't use bread for sandwiches in space because of crumbs. CRUMBS. They would just float around and never fall to the ground. I mean duh, of course they wouldn't, but if I were an astronaut I totally would have just packed bread for my sandwiches like an idiot and then been like OH NO THE CRUMBS ARE EVERYWHERE and now, thanks to Chris, I know to use space tortillas. Y'know, should I ever been in that situation.

I love that scientists have to think about trivial things like crumbs when considering sending people into the great beyond where there aren't even things like oxygen to do important science things for the future of humanity.

Here are a few of my favorite videos he's done:

The one that sparked my interest in it all: what happens when you wring out a wet washcloth in space.

How To Eat Dessert in Space:

How to Sleep in Space:

(I mean come on, how adorable was that video? SPACE PAJAMAS.)

Oh and just for good measure, he also sang "Space Oddity" for our entertainment, and he is now in the running for most beloved (and most fantastically-mustached) astronaut of all time. I love the Internet. [more videos here]

So now you know way more about space than you did before. Should you ever try to take a sandwich in your backpack to space. Thanks, Chris!

Also, make sure you never go to space sad and expect to subtly shed a few tears when no one is looking. The tears just jumble up on your eyes and obstruct your vision until you wipe them off with a towel. Plus there is no crying in space exploration. Just like baseball.

What do you wish you knew about living in space? SIDE QUESTION: Have you ever been to space camp? (I have. And his dessert looked way better than that touristy freeze-dried ice cream crap they sell in the gift shop.)

*according to Twitter apparently he came back to earth last night...right after I wrote this.

Ke$ha's Songwriting Method Defies Physics

Yesterday whilst perusing the Internet, I was minding my own business when I noticed an article titled "How Ke$ha Writes Songs."

Naturally I had to click on it. Does she use word magnets? Draw words out of a hat? Rip pages out of transcripts from shamed public figures and books by Chelsea Handler? I had to know.

What I found, I never expected. Even from Ke$ha.

It was an interview with Conan in which she kindly explains she uses her breasts to play the piano.

Let's just forget for a minute how purposefully provocative this is and focus on how completely illogical it is.

One cannot use their breasts to play the piano. Period. At best you can produce some dissonant nonsense, but even then you're risking head injury. She suggested that she could come up with chord progressions doing this, which makes me question her knowledge of what a chord progression actually is.

To play a chord progression one must use multiple fingers spaced out between multiple keys, then move them up and down the piano. THIS IS STRICTLY IMPOSSIBLE USING BREASTS.

I'm okay with your party songs, your trashy image and even your inconceivably short dress emblazoned with tons of small Conan faces if you still crank out catchy hits like "Die Young," ma'am, but I am not okay with a complete disregard for the realm of possibility within physical science.

The interview stumbles on like a drunk elephant and becomes just like three minutes of Ke$ha trying to explain her songs because they are METAPHORS and EUPHEMISMS as if 1) any of us didn't know that and 2) any of them are hard to figure out.

She takes careful time to explain to us about how "Grow a Pear" is not about growing fruit and how the song about her car is not ONLY about her car but also about her unmentionables. Her songs have LAYERS you guys.

Oh, and some song she has about dinosaurs is actually about how she likes old guys. I haven't heard the song but I'm guessing it's probably obvious.

Ugh. If it weren't for the fact that I literally listened to "Die Young" on the way to work yesterday and still thoroughly enjoyed it, I would vote we excommunicate her from being a person.

What's your favorite guilty pleasure song right now? It's okay if it's Ke$ha. Really. We're all friends here.

Why Taylor Kitsch Would Never Be Allowed in Saudi Arabia

Oh, Middle East. You never cease to amaze us with your level of crazy. Some guys apparently strolled over from the fancy pants United Arab Emirates for some festival all glowing with handsomeness and some authorities like radioed over their walkie talkies CHHHH we got a Code Gosling over here, repeat, Code Gosling over CHHHH and they all convened around these guys and escorted them straight out the country because their handsomeness was a menace to society.

According to the article, the men were deemed "too handsome" because apparently Saudi women would just not be able to control themselves and would fall for these men and the entire structure of their social society would collapse because of it. Naturally, they had to go.

First of all I would be indignant if I were a Saudi man standing nearby.

"What am I, chopped liver? I'M RIGHT HERE. I mean seriously, those guys? My beard is twice the beard their beards will ever be. Just look at me. I radiate handsomeness and no one is kicking ME out of the country. I can't believe I bought a new tunic for this. I'm going home to eat my feelings in baklava."

Second of all, are other countries going to start adopting this policy?

If the U.S. does we are in deep trouble. Tim Riggins should probably sleep with one eye open. I'm just saying, Taylor Kitsch, no one wants you to go back to Canada. Really. A straw poll survey of my Twitter feed suggests you have a 100 percent approval rating in this country.

I also like how these authorities determined what an objective level of attractiveness is that would warrant being kicked out of the country (What is the line? Do clothes factor in?). I suppose your goal in Saudi Arabia would be to assume a high level of attractiveness without being SO attractive that you call attention to yourself. So like, um, Nick from New Girl or something I guess.

I also like that rather than letting these guys fly under the radar as in-cognito Handsomes, they drew even more attention to them by forcibly removing them from the country. If the women didn't notice them before, they sure did after policemen started escorting them out.

Man. It's hard to be pretty in Saudi Arabia. Who knew?

Pretty people everywhere, let this be a warning to you. Either tone it down or stay the heck out of Saudi.

I mean honestly what would they even do if like David Beckham or Justin Bieber strolled in? I honestly don't even think the Biebs is very attractive, but assuming Saudi Arabian women and girls have any access to media whatsoever and know who he is, there would surely be a riot, right? I mean there are riots in first world countries over that guy.

If handsome nobodys are banned, I suppose handsome somebodys are EXTRA banned.

Poor U.A.E. handsome guys. They just wanted to enjoy the festival and eat a funnel cake or something. Guess you gotta ugly it up if you want to party at the Jenadrivah Heritage & Cultural Festival.

If this were a law in the U.S., who do you think would be escorted out first? (I suppose truthfully this would only apply to foreigners, but let's pretend it applies to handsome people across the board.)

Only in Mississippi: Circus Elephant Shot in Drive-By

You guys, get ready to be outraged. The Ringling Brothers circus came to town in Tupelo, Mississippi and will leave changed, never to be the same.

Why? One of the stars of their show was shot in a drive-by. And she is an elephant.

She's expected to make a full recovery, but I mean honestly, what is the world coming to? I, for one, am appalled.

Sigh. Just another case of elephant-on-elephant gang violence. It's a shame that it's come to this. I thought they were cracking down on that sort of thing.

I feel like there should be some kind of buddy cop lifetime movie (that's a thing, right?) about this story where the exasperated old guy and overzealous young guy are at the end of their ropes because they've gotten nowhere in making the streets of Tupelo safer for circus elephants. Where is Danny Glover when you need him?

And isn't Mississippi totally a setting where this movie (and I suppose REAL LIFE STORY) would take place? Like, this WOULD happen in Mississippi. I'm just glad it wasn't Alabama, because let's face it, my home state doesn't have the best track record. Really dodged a bullet with this one.

What is even more shocking and appalling is the people who were interviewed for the news story.

The mayor, for instance, is interviewed to clarify that yes, the elephant DOES have a wound, and it is located between her ear and what he guesses "you would have to call the base of the neck...area."

Then, because they need more than one credible witness to do this sort of pulitzer-worthy investigative journalism, they chose to interview a convenience store clerk. At her post.

Didn't even take her outside to interview her. Just walked into a TigerMart and stuck a microphone in her face. There are cigarettes on display behind her in the shot.

Oh, Mississippi. This story could've been a journalistic masterpiece: a piece of television news that took viewers on an emotional journey chronicling the sad vicious cycle of circus-related crimes and gang violence but ending with hope for poor Carol the elephant, an innocent victim who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Simply another byproduct of the seedy underbelly of Tupelo, Mississippi.

That's why I'm going to take it upon myself to create this lifetime movie. I mean it could totally work. Mississippi in the summertime (or what might as well be summertime). Heat rising off the sidewalk, deadend leads, policemen sitting in a rundown diner going over the evidence for the 87th time...doesn't it sound like a thing? Who do I have to call to make Carol the Elephant's story known?

Feel free to send Carol your well wishes (or pitch actor ideas for the lifetime movie) in the comments.

If she could read, I'm sure she would read my blog. She seems like the kind of cool elephant who would totally be interested in pop culture. Poor Carol. Get well soon, old girl. (I feel like it's somehow appropriate to call animals like horses & elephants "old girl.")

Meanwhile, In Canada: Inmates Escape Via Helicopter

This is a real news story that really happened this week.

Two inmates escaped from a maximum security prison via a hijacked helicopter in Quebec on Sunday afternoon. The helicopter literally dropped down ropes for them and then flew away.

I mean, y'all, I don't endorse escaping from prison or dumb ideas in general, but this particular dumb idea is pretty awesome.

I just kind of like that someone was ballsy enough to think, y'know what, we're not only going to escape from jail, but we're going to do it in a helicopter in broad daylight and shimmy up some ropes like it's freaking Mission: Impossible. And the other guy like high-fived him and they began using their allotted one phone call per day for months to plan this out with their non-incarcerated friends who for some unknown reason like these people enough (or owe them a large enough debt) that they are willing to take the 100% chance of going to jail as well (because let's face it, this is not ending well).

If you think about it, it's kind of like the guys who lowered the sick man into the temple from the roof for Jesus to heal, right?

No...you're right, it's not like that at all.

I also like that they got about half a day of freedom before they were apprehended and put back in jail. I mean, was it worth it? Was it worth using all your phone calls over who knows how long just to get to go eat at Chili's or whatever then get put right back in jail, when you could have been talking about like the Walking Dead or Tierra's sparkle on the phone with your mom or something? I'm just asking.

Now you're all in jail.

But you know, I guess you are forever the guys who ascended out of a prison into a helicopter and flew away while everyone just looked on dumbfounded because I mean really when does this ever happen in life? So...good on ya, mate. (If you are Australian and/or British please feel free to correct me on how people usually spell that phrase. And also please send Cadbury chocolate.)

I like to think in some alternate reality Chris Harrison was in on this (because he likes to be included). Like he went rogue and actually swiped the helicopter from the Bachelor warehouse (they must have invested in their own helicopter by now), then piloted it over a Canadian prison to help inmates escape.

Sorry all my references are Bachelor-related lately. I don't really know what else to do with all this nonsense in my head, especially now that The Bachelor isn't on anymore and Sean is now on Dancing with the Stars and I have to decide whether or not it is worth enduring to watch Sean try to dance on national television. But let's face it he'll probably be surprisingly graceful and win over the hearts of millions like he does every second he's on TV.

Back to the story.

The suspects escaped in a white Cadillac Escalade, which is another tile in the rich mosaic of their heinously conspicuous plan.

The police tracked the helicopter these guys RENTED and then hijacked, then they tracked the Escalade, and had them back in custody like six hours later after a shootout.

Just terrible planning all around, but I suppose if you're going to legit ESCAPE from prison, stealth is not really in the cards.

Can't believe this happened in Canada. Even our prisoners are lazy.

What do you think was the logic behind this plot? (Or was there any?)