Recently I have discovered I see the four central networks as sort of having personalities in my head. Like the shows they air and the people who watch them mesh together to form character traits. I think your favorite network probably says a lot about you in that way. So I wanted to provide a guide to people who perhaps might not be as familiar with the networks so they could choose their favorite and therefore be judged by everyone else who disagrees.
That's what we're here for, right?
Let's begin.
CBS
CBS is great if you are still watching How I Met Your Mother ((I'm starting to feel about HIMYM the way I felt about The Office six months ago. Now that I essentially know how it ends for the characters I care about, I just want them to get there and be done, but I'm too invested to quit now.)) or ever wear a wife beater whilst sitting in a recliner.
I see CBS as kind of the old fogie of television networks. Mostly because their big draw seems to be Two and a Half Men and they refuse to make any of their shows viewable on iPads in any format whatsoever. And they boycott Hulu as well, which is annoying because we recently cut cable (I KNOW I KNOW. A post for another time. Spoiler alert: we're poor.)
Also because, well, look at their logo. Insert sad trombone here.
NBC
I have a love/hate relationship with NBC. I hate them for what they did to Conan (major party foul), and I hate them for what they're doing to Community and 30 Rock (I know they are on season 7 but I just want it to go on forever, ok?), but I love them for putting shows like Community and 30 Rock on the air in the first place. I also love them for putting Friday Night Lights on the air and allowing it to exist so that I could watch it on Netflix a year later and have it soar into my heart permanently forever. (I'm still grieving its loss.)
So NBC is a particularly perfect place for people aged 18-35 who like things that are funny and don't like things that are not funny. If CBS is the old fogie, NBC is the 25-year-old entrepreneur running an online marketing company out of his apartment. Sometimes he's kind of a douche, but at least you have a few things in common.
ABC
I feel like ABC is the family network. Not "family" in the way that iTunes movies means "family," by which I mean that they are all cartoons, but in the way that it has shows for all kinds of family members. You've got your accessible comedy Modern Family, you've got your dramas, no controversial cult comedies--really it's a well-rounded network that would look good on a college application. ABC's probably most like a 45-year-old family man who makes mistakes but has a good heart.
Fox
Fox is pretty much just reality shows and New Girl in my head. Is there anything else on Fox? Maybe some sort of action dramas they promote with an overly dramatic voiceover? Oh yeah, Glee. Is that show still on? Ugh.
Basically if you like dramatic performances and Zoey Deschanel you will like Fox. Fox is like a broadway star clinging to her former heyday (read: American Idol) but still performing with unwavering enthusiasm.
But really, New Girl is fantastic so Fox gains a lot of points there. Sidebar: is Winston really still here? I'm just asking.
What's your favorite network? Did I miss anything or get anything wrong in my descriptions?