DWTS Recap: Below the Belt

I know. Just...don't look directly at it.

First of all I would like to apologize to everyone who relies on my accurate and comprehensive recaps of the greatest show starring dancing comedians ever to be on TV for missing last weeks DWTS recap.

Somehow, I'm sure you carried on, but I apologize just the same.

Apparently Gleb and Housewife went home last week. Poor Gleb. Don't let this get you down, buddy. Go forth and teach other reality show "stars" how to quick-step. I'm sure it will be 100 percent worth it.

Anyway, let's get to EPISODE 5 which is the half-way point apparently so things are getting REAL. At least that's what they insisted on telling me throughout this episode.

This week is particularly cutthroat because it features LEN'S SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENGE (challenge...challenge...)! I don't know why he gets his own challenge or if he actually came up with this idea but apparently the deal is they have to dance next to professionals.

The intro begins and all the professionals are dancing in some sort of party bus scenario and then they pan to the audience and some more dancers are doing like a strip show essentially and ALL of this is happening to a Pitbull song. I mean I'm not 100 percent sure it was a Pitbull song but it made me feel just as terrible as a Pitbull song does regardless so does it really matter?

Here come the non-professionals...D.L. is thrusting again (is he really still here?), Sean is terrible as per us' but at least he tries and Aly is doing flips because she CAN, suckas. And NOOOOOO Andy is thrusting now, why is there so much thrusting in this show? I think it's the only "move" half of the guys competing can do.

Now it's the part of the show where Len is featured in a prerecorded explanation of his SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENGE EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA. It's pretty much the trippiest thing I've ever seen and is not well executed at all but basically he's floating in front of a nondescript black backround and there are TWO of him which is necessary to explain the SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENGE. He does a hip swivel with himself and it's the worst explanation ever. Also he looks like he fell asleep in a tanning booth for like 75 years.

Someone isn't wearing pants for some reason and then it's commercial time and Penelope Cruz is still pushing the NETHPRETHO thing really hard.

Inigo Montoya goes first.

Apparently he was good last week. That's all you need to know from that episode.

He is assigned the chacha which makes him hulk out during rehearsal and become nothing more than an angry thruster (again with the thrusting), which I don't think is really going to help him.

His partner tells him this is easy and synchronized and then demonstrates and YEAH that's totally easy KATRINA. Why didn't Inigo just do that before? THANKS FOR THE TIP.

Fortunately Inigo and the guy in the other professional couple (whom they will be dancing alongside in the SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENNNGGEEE) are wearing matching fedoras so I think that will help.

Inigo's goal this week is to skate by unnoticed and just make it to next week. Way to reach for the stars, Inigo. Good thing he's going first because by the time two hours of haphazard dancing goes by I've already forgotten everyone but Zendaya anyway.

OH GOSH they are dancing to Lady Marmalade. The band's track record suggests this is going to be a trainwreck of a performance.

Everyone's dressed like strippers and Inigo is not good at high kicks. But the good news is he DID practice his thrusting so it looks less angry.

And oh em gee the songs are TWICE as long this week what is even happening? I thought the show would be shorter with less dancers, but silly me, that would actually minimize the pain of watching this atrocity and we know that's not how they roll.

Girl judge says the pelvic thrusts were a hit but he needs to work on "below the belt."

This sends everyone into a tizzy and the host isn't even paying attention and his explanation after getting caught was that he's doing another show in his head. So am I, host guy. So am I.

They say "below the belt" approximately 800 times and everyone giggles because apparently we're in 2nd grade.

JACOBY JONES, y'all.

Apparently he did a foxtrot for his son last week that people liked and OH EM GEE his baby son is the cutest ever.

He has to do the jive which he insists is the same as "The Skip" in New Orleans which infuriates his partner because it is NOT the same at all.

"I can't move my s*** like that; I am a MAN."

I just love this guy.

He likes the guy in their partner couple because he "looks like he play defensive end and he can dance" so I guess that's good.

They start in some kind of sketchy graffiti'd alleyway playing cards and I'm really getting tired of the performance art. I mean is any of this necessary? I very much don't need a setup to every dance. Like I couldn't need it any less.

The profesh dancer couple's lady is all up in the camera flicking her butt and I feel slightly violated. Jacoby looks like he's doing the bow-legged chicken dance just as well as the profesh guy, so as far as I'm concerned, 10!

He does look like he's having fun and not taking this nonsense so seriously, which I enjoy. SHOOT DANG he did the splits you guys. AND he legit JUMPED over his partner's head.

I don't know anything about dance, but that was awesome. Give him 10's and let's all go home.

Again the dance is about 36 minutes longer than it should be and I'm bored.

It finally ends and spanish judge says it was like "watching two s-TALLIONS at the height of their power fighting for dominance" or something like that. Why does everything he says have to be sexual? TONE IT DOWN, BRUNO. (Yes, I learned his name this week!)

They all tell him to point his feet and british judge basically tells girl judge to stop talking because it's like she's giving the Gettysburg Address over there but like he would even know what that is because he's BRITISH.

Len says Jacoby will never get a 9 out of him without pointing his feet but WHATEV Len, stop being a stick in the mud. HE JUMPED OVER HIS PARTNER'S HEAD AND DID THE SPLITS. Gah. If I ran this show it would be so different.

Victor

I guess they butchered their dance and were in the bottom 2 again last week so this one has to be good, but I want to know who is putting Andy Dick and D.L. Hughley ahead of Victor the adorable boxer? What is wrong with people? Do I have to start VOTING now? Ugh. As if I don't invest in this show enough already.

Rehearsal Excerpt:

"Are you doing the dance right now?" -Victor "Yeah." - Partner "Oh, I thought you were just...prancing around." - Victor.

He is just great.

Turns out Victor was distracted in rehearsal because his girfriend of a year cheated on him and he found out during practice. NOOO poor sweet Victor! There, there. Come hug it out. It's ok. DANCE the pain away.

They do the waltz and start out posing amid scary mannequins and SERIOUSLY with the performance art?

I dunno, waltzes are pretty and they look the same to me so high five.

Enter saxophone solo (!!) and the dance is again far too long. Verse 2 is always the worst because you realize it's only halfway over.

Still no idea why the mannequins are there. Do you think they're just running out of ideas? I mean at least the other nonsense setups had something to do with the style of dance.

Girl Judge says there was fluidity which was good but his feet came off the floor in some of the "lifty-wiftys" which just reminds me of Dr. Who and makes me happy.

Len legit tells her to go home because there was no INTENT to lift his feet so apparently it doesn't count. Spanish judge interrupts everyone just to agree with them so I'm not sure why it was necessary.

Side note: I just realized everyone has already changed from their intro outfits. When did that happen and wasn't that a waste of some perfectly good neon bow ties?

Host guy: "We're back and I'm on my mark for a change."

Y'know, sometimes it's just better to maintain the 4th wall.

Aly Raisman.

MAN she got to do flips last week and danced to "Titanium." She got 9's and I am totally googling her performance during the commercial break.

And she's at the top of the leaderboard?? Noooo, Zendaya, what happened? Man, I tell ya, you miss one week...

The girl professional tries to teach Aly how to be sexy and flip her hair and whatnot and Aly says it's nice to have a girl to teach her but Mark is a good girl too and is good at being sassy. So he's got that going for him.

Side note: It is becoming increasingly clear that I would be terrible at this. Absolutely terrible.

I think she got flustered during the dance when she was whipping her hair back & forth and it's starting to look off-beat to me but what do I know.

Really the standout nerve-grater here is that the singer is singing the wrong cadence and melody for "Misery" by Maroon 5 and it's driving me insane.

Len says her bottom is the tops, whatever that means.

Bruno gets even more hot and bothered than usual and this is what he chooses to say:

"Ohhhh missy missy I had no idea you could be SASSY and SAUCY! Whip it! Because you're worth it!" I think he's just throwing out slogans at this point.

Carrie says she thinks it's good that Aly brought out her little sex kitten and NO. Stop that. She is an Olympian, not Ke$ha. Get out of here with that.

COMING UP: Y'all I think the wasp face might come out. Kellie is making partner guy angry! And you won't like it when he's angry. (See what I did there?)

COMMERCIAL SIDE NOTE: GATSBY TRAILER OMG. Shining moment in this two hours of terribleness.

Sean Lowe

Last week Sean evidently danced like a caveman or something but WHO EVEN CARES because he ended it by kissing Catherine and I just miss them. Can we get them their own reality show already? Newlyweds Part Deux. And this time no one will ask if tuna is chicken or fish. Probably.

This week he has to do the quickstep which I already knew because he tweeted about how hard it was and that makes me slightly nervous for him.

SIDE NOTE: Are off-shoulder tops like a thing for dancers? I mean you'd think they'd just get in the way of all the grand arm gestures but I guess it's a small price to pay for 80's fashion. Come to think of it, are dancers perpetually stuck in the 80's? They wear a lot of neon and legwarmers. I'm asking.

Sean tries to copy Tristan (the profesh dancer)'s every move and decides to do so by wearing the exact outfit as him. He comes out wearing a neon pink shirt like it's a gag but we all know he had that in his closet due to the omnipresence of neon in the Bachelor. Or he stole it from his dad (LOL remember that?).

I think he did well! He looks terrified behind his perma-smile which makes me nervous because I just like him so much and want him to dance pretty.

"SHOWN! WHAT EES GOINK OWN?" proclaims Bruno. Until now, he says, Sean has been a lumberjack, but now he is a swan, which I feel is a bit of a reach but whatever.

Girl judge is all flustered and doesn't say anything of note.

British judge says last week he was a statue and this week he is a pigeon, which aren't really opposites, and is definitely worse than a swan, so I'm not sure really what his angle was with that. Neither is the audience apparently beacause everyone thinks this is HILARIOUS.

Especially Bruno who is still laughing 6 minutes later. I seriously do not get anyone on this show.

Sean says that Tristan is not only a beautiful dancer but a beautiful man and I just really want to go on a double date with Seathrine.

They get 8's and Sean's partner almost kisses his hand and I'm about to lunge at the TV on behalf of Catherine. Get that girl out here and let her beat up Meredith from the Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap (which I'm convinced is Sean's partner's true identity).

Kellie Pickler

They're on a legit golf cart on the dance floor and I'm wondering how much work it was for the PAs to set that up just for this one preview moment.

They have to do a foxtrot and her partner is nervous, to which Kellie responds: "If yo-er ner-vus, 'Ahm gunna hay-uve a ner-vus break-DAY-own!"

Ugh. I'm sure she's smarter than she sounds. I mean, she HAS to be, right?

This dance, by the way, is Kellie's first BALLROOM DANCE, which I just learned is not ALL of these dances.

Her partner hulks out on her for messing up a dance move and I'm a little nervous he's going to abuse her but it's cool you guys the wasp face is back in the holster.

I think her problem is really that she set the bar too high too early. Wynnona would have never gotten the wasp face.

On to the dance! These are the only costumes that have made sense so far in context of the dance and the music. Kellie's wig is looking a little cray but she dances as well as the other girl as far as I can tell.

They do this weird wobble-back-and-forth-like-you're-made-of-plastic move and she's good and the dance is too long again.

Girl Judge can't believe it was Kellie's FIRST ballroom. Because apparently that's how all the cool kids say it. Just "ballroom."

What is NOT how the cool kids say it? "putting the 'ooo' in 'smooth'," which is what Len said.

"Thaynk yew, Le-uhn!" - Kellie

Ugh.

Spanish judge apparently thinks this dance was fitting of Great Gatsby and Baz Lurhman would be impressed but how dare he suggest that Kellie Pickler could come anywhere near that movie.

"Dang, y'all, that Gats-bay sure is straynge."

In the post-dance interview she actually references her wig which I feel like is against protocol for that sort of thing. Aren't you supposed to just act like it's your real hair even if everyone knows it's totally not? Anyway, she says she was afraid it was going to fly off.

Her partner does a Kellie impression which I think was pretty spot on. Apparently when he gets all wasp-y, she goes "I don't hate yew, but I hate your way-s right nay-ow."

I'll allow it.

She gets 9's. I mean honestly have they ever given out a 10 on this show?

PREVIEW: Zendaya is wearing a pretty dress and fencing DL and Andy. She stabs DL and no one's mad about it.

COMMERCIAL NOTE: Jennifer Hudson is all over my TV singing "I GOT THE POW-UH!" in yellow pants and I just can't handle it anymore. J Hud (Are all Jennifer's allowed to be called J - [first syllable]?)...I like you and all but this has got to stop. You're losing my respect one lip-synched "woo!" at a time.

Back from commercial and it's D.L. Hughley's turn.

Ugh. Last week he humped the judges' table. So unnecessary. He thrusts more than anyone else on this show, and that's saying something. But he got 7s so hooray for sympathy votes.

Basically his partner is creeped out by him and tries unsuccessfully to teach him the tango.

The dance begins with everyone behind paper creating silhouettes and while the profesh couple is dancing I'm starting to feel uncomfortable watching Cheryl & DL's silhouettes together. OH SNAP Y'ALL he ripped the paper and busted out of there like a quarterback.

What if that had failed? I'm just saying it could have. He IS the worst, after all.

In D.L.'s defense there wasn't much hope for him looking identical to a skinny European dancer guy named Sasha. (real name)

Even I can tell D.L.'s feet are not doing what they're supposed to be doing. He's just kind of stomping along and people are clapping to the song for some reason.

I stopped paying attention because I looked at Tweetbot for like one second and ended up camping out there for a minute or two, but spanish guy called it a brave attempt and girl judge said the lack of technique was evident.

Len said they just didn't look identical and D.L. asks if it was the hair that gave it away. Touche, D.L. Touche. If you can't beat 'em, make terrible jokes.

NEXT WEEK PLUG: Oh gosh. It's all Stevie Wonder songs. And he has to be there. RUN AWAY, STEVIE. JUST RUN AWAY. At least he won't have to actually watch them dance. I hope for his sake he is the one singing his songs because this band will butcher them 9 ways to Sunday, whatever that means.

DL gets 6's (sad trombone).

ZENDAYA TIME!

Aw man last week she danced to Love on Top by Beyonce and that song is my jam but OH NO this person should never be allowed to even touch Beyonce songs so I'm kind of glad I missed it.

Her partner admits he has never danced this genre before. GREAT news.

Again, her nails are dangerous. They are neon and they are about 6 inches long and I don't understand why her partner hasn't insisted that she remove them yet. They are dangerously close to his cornea.

The setup to this dance is that the royal jewels are MISSING you guys and we know that because there is a fake newspaper that tells us so. But OH NO Zendaya has them! What's going to happen?

Thank goodness this song is instrumental.

Profesh girl does all these fancy tricks to start off which I think is kind of a jerk move but whatever. Zendaya has to use the jewels as a prop for some reason, which I also think is just something unnecessary she has to keep up with during her dance. I mean doesn't she have enough to worry about without having to pass off a bangle between her and another girl and then put it on without dropping it onto the dance floor and tripping everyone up and creating a pile-up and the worst celebrity dancing accident in history? I'm just saying, it could have happened.

Anyway she does a really cool lift thingy and was awesome as usual.

We get our usual dose of crazy from Bruno: "CATCH ME IF YOU CAN! TAKE ME IF YOU DARE! THE ULTIMATE FEMME FATALE!"

Seriously can someone please taze him?

Len says it was like a lemon tart.

Next week's promo again, this time with neon letters on a SPACE backround. Was this made in powerpoint with wordart?

OH SNAP SHE GOT 10's, y'all. This is UNPRECEDENTED (so far this season).

Man, I thought we were done but Andy Dick still has to go. They really should never save him for last. People are going to start turning off their TV's. The best sketches go before Weekend Update for a reason.

Andy Dick Noooo whyyyy there are ANDY PUPPETS.

"I don't think any comedians have made it this far!"

Shocking.

The profesh male dancer walks in with the deepest V I've ever seen, and I live in Nashville. I mean it seriously doesn't count as wearing a shirt.

"When you think of pasa doble, you don't think of Andy Dick...but you WILL."

Sure, Andy. All those times I think about pasa doble during the day, your name will definitely come to mind.

Why must they insist on acting out scenes before every dance? Oh, p.s., male dancer is wearing a glorified Deep V.

ANDY SWINGS IN ON A ZIP LINE DRESSED LIKE ZORRO.

I have nothing to add to that.

He whips around a shiny cape a lot, that's about it.

Everyone basically just tells him it wasn't good but he's FUN.

RESULTS: D.L. Hughley and Cheryl Burke go home. (Wah wah wah...No one's surprised.)

Who was your favorite? Are you as tired of Andy Dick as I am at this point? Do you support a Sean & Catherine reality show? I'm just saying let's talk about it.

DWTS Recap: The Wasp Face

This week I am in D.C. for my job, but I watched DWTS anyway. Just for YOU. Marvel at my dedication. …oh, and because the hotel I'm staying at doesn't have HGTV. But no matter! The point is, I watched it, okay?

I missed the first like three minutes but I'm thinking since when I turned it on people were just freestyling to that "funk's on rubber" song I didn't miss much.

Basically it's like a sock hop up in here and host lady's 80's hair is CRAY. I mean I know it's prom night theme this week but let's take down the literality a notch okay?

They pan to the audience and Yvette Nicole Brown is there! Yay! I can hear her now just clapping and saying "that's niceee!"

First up, Aly.

She's going to waltz which involves counting 1-2-3, 1-2-3 instead of 1-2-3-4 and counting music is HARD, ok guys? I judge her a little bit for never having known how to count music before but then again I went to a music school and live in Nashville so I could be a biased jerk.

Aly never went to prom because she had to work her fingers to the bone doing backflips and stuff and we're all sad about it. Her coach tries to teach her how to grope.

Before the commercial break everyone is taking staged prom photos in front of a background of silver streamers and could this show be a little more over the top, please? I'm just still a little fuzzy on what the theme is this week.

Back from commercial and there is literally a person dressed as cupid hanging from the ceiling solely to fling a fake arrow at Aly and her partner to start off the dance. Seriously let's add more unnecessary clues for the audience here, I don't think they're getting this is about LOVE and PROM.

Aly does pretty well and it's boring but she looks pretty in lavender.

British judge is NOT IMPRESSED. The crowd erupts in boos but JUST KIDDING it's April Fools you guys! Oh, British Judge. You slay me. Seriously though kill me now.

Lady Judge tells her to be in character and men judges argue with her and I'm hoping they say April Fools again, but they don't.

SIDE NOTE: Why are we being subjected to seeing old prom photos of the hosts? Like anyone even cares about them. Plus girl host looks exactly the same tonight anyway.

They talk about how you can vote 11 times which I think is just to be obnoxious (why not just 10?) and guy host says "You can vote psychically but that's not as effective."

I wish he would stop going off script.

2. Andy Dick. In the montage we find out he apparently doesn't know his own strength and might just rip her hand off when he dances. His coach chastises him for thinking too much to which his response is,

"I HAVE to think or I'm going to rip your head off!…Accidentally…" Nice save.

He yells some more and she stomps out and then it's the next day and Andy's crying again. Guys I can't tell but do you think this is going to be a recurring theme?

The dance opens with him getting a text message superimposed on the screen about being dumped for not being sexy enough which is totally the reason people usually use when they break up with someone via text.

He does some nipple pistols, a dance move I just trademarked the name for, and rips his shirt off and thrusts a lot and I'm not sure why the audience is whooing so loud but they whoo at everything so whatever.

Spanish judge yells REVENGE OF THE NERD super loud and basically just says it's bad but it was entertaining. Girl judge essentially says good job for trying and gives him a backhanded compliment by complimenting his partner and saying he did a good job keeping up. British Judge calls him a sneeze and also says he feels better having watched him, which is weird because I had the complete opposite experience.

3. Inigo Montoya. Inigo's prom was boring as EXPLETIVE so he's going to recreate his dream prom by riding in on a motorcycle which somehow seems sad to me but whatever.

He calls his partner a slut and complains about being too old for this stuff.

They dance to Another One Bites the Dust and he rips his partner's skirt off. This dance seems a little stripper-y to me due to his black wifebeater and black cargo pants and the aforementioned skirt ripping. Again the band butchers a classic, and Inigo just looks very angry the whole time. Probably because the man with the six fingers killed his father.

It literally ends in flames and I'm wondering if his partner is secretly Olivia Newton John.

Lady Judge tells him to fix his core which to me means nothing. Kind of like when Michael Scott starts talking about how that machine strengthens your whole core…your leg core…your back core…

Spanish judge starts yelling stuff about how that was no way to treat a woman and trying to be funny and I hate him.

COMMERCIAL NOTE: Charles Barkley is just as terrible in this hot dog commercial with Alec Baldwin as he was on SNL, and I assume he had several takes to get it right this time.

Back from commercial and oh em gee it's the 50th anniversary of General Hospital! [ABC PLUG] No one cares. He gets 7s.

Some people in shirts with letters on them that spell out "ROMP?" are on stage now with little to no explanation.

4. Desperate Housewife. She was in the bottom two last week so she resorts to taking pictures of her shirtless partner to put on Twitter and get people to vote for them. She says something about it looking desperate which she fails to realize is literally the name of the show she is famous from so I'm not really sure why this is an issue for her.

Her tiny sad puppy in a t-shirt stares at an iPad twice his size which is supposed to mean he's tweeting the picture for her because he has thousands of followers. Which is actually true. Poor Jiggy. He longs for freedom. You can see it in his eyes. I just want to rip that tshirt off him and release him into the wild.

Anyway they do a waltz to a Whitney Houston song and the band once again murders the song pretty savagely. Like it's so bad I can't even focus. I have no idea if the dance was good.

They show a woman in the crowd who I assume is the housewife's daughter since they look like their plastic surgeon used the same mold for their faces.

Spanish judge says it was like she was empress Josephine wafting around blah blah blah is he seriously still talking? But let's not get too carried away, it wasn't THAT good, he says, and people boo.

Gleb talks about how he "got a few marriages proposals." Aw. Poor Gleb. He tries. He does have abs though I guess so he has that going for him. But not his name. Definitely doesn't have that going for him.

They get 7's and the host makes a joke about how easy it is to use Twitter because Jiggy can do it without opposable thumbs. Someone needs to tell this guy comedy isn't for everyone.

5. Kellie Pickler. Kellie inexplicably puts a pickle in a punch bowl in the setup to her montage. I don't know what it means but I assume it was meant to be suggestive.

Kellie calls the jive a "jav" and talks a lot about her partner's wasp face. She pushes the wasp face thing really hard and then it's time to dance.

She's great of course and real talk: I kind of love her dress. She does some splits and some shimmies and unfortunately they are dancing to Footloose which now reminds me of Chase Freedom cards so thanks for that one, Chase Freedom guy who can't actually play the guitar.

"There's nothing loose about that performance! You're sharper than a Samurai sword!" - Spanish Judge. Seriously he is too excitable. He literally cannot talk without standing up.

British guy says they were flying about like a wasp at a picnic. GET IT BECAUSE THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT WASPS BEFORE? Ugh. That's not even a saying.

He crowns her prom queen and Kellie squeals and after they get their A+ they do a weird handshake about potatoes and french fries and sticking them in the fryer and I want to jump out a window.

6. Victor. Spoiler Alert: he didn't go to prom either. Except he wasn't off doing backflips or being a child star, he was a street kid and couldn't afford it. Poor Victor. I actually really like this guy. Again I am a huge fan of his coach. High five for maintaining normalcy in a studio full of yahoos.

They perform to "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" which automatically wins me over because it's just a great song. I dunno, it looks good to me but they do a lot of lifts and I remember last time British Judge was all TOO MUCH LIFTS so I guess they're in danger about that again.

Man, this Spanish judge is a total Standing-O whore. He does it like every single time.

Girl judge says Victor is a dancer now--I guess because he picked up his partner a lot. British judge was pleasantly surprised and said the lifts were good but there wasn't enough good dancing in the middle. (Told you TOO MUCH LIFTS.)

7. D.L. Hughley. He didn't go to prom either because he never graduated high school but what he DID do is charge people $25 to rent him to be their date for prom which is not sketchy at all.

He wears a metallic cape and dances terribly to James Brown. I'm thinking by now his dance style is just thrusting a lot and shuffling back and forth.

"If you're a sex machine, I'm America's Next Top Model." Ya'll, he is BRITISH. So he can't be ANTM even if he wanted to be. That's how strong that metaphor was.

He hated it but basically told him it was adorable that he tried.

Apparently D.L. has trouble moving his hips because every time he's done it in the past he has ended up paying child support, which wasn't super well received as an excuse.

COMMERCIAL NOTE: Penelope Cruz is saying "neth-pretho" all over the place and I can't handle it. Stop trying to make Nespresso happen, Cruz. It's not going to happen.

8. Jacoby Jones. He got kicked out of prom for pranks and then it gets all heavy because Katrina took his school and he's doing this dance for them.

They do a Rumba which I always kind of thought was like what dancers at Ricky Ricardo's club would do but apparently it's like overtly sexual so I was way off.

Jacoby has trouble being serious, which I appreciate, but then in the performance he totally pulls it off. He looks all dancer-y because he's not wearing a shirt and wearing black pants and they're dancing to Rihanna's sad song.

They love it and spanish guy uses the term volcano-bic which is not really a word and says "JACK-O-BEE" so you know he's really excited and everyone says it was good.

AW MAN I forgot Wynnona was here but they show her doing slow motion sexual movements up on her partner as a preview of what's to come.

Back to Jacoby and the 80's host asks him how much hurricane Katrina affected him. UGH these questions are as vague and obvious as every halftime interview ever done. "Uh so how important do you think scoring is in the next half?" GAH.

9. Wynnona Judd. Apparently her goal this week is to make the spanish judge growl and unleash her inner tigress.

SIGH. This will not end well.

OH NO. I see pole dancing. THERE IS POLE DANCING. WHYYYYYYY.

"I don't wanna look like I'm goin' in the woods." Well, Wynonna, either way I'm not really thrilled.

It's just as traumatic as you'd expect it to be and then the rest of the dance is super robotic and slow. It's kind of like she's just shifting back and forth and her partner is like dancing all around her like a mad man in comparison trying to make her look good when really he's just making her look worse by comparison.

"You're like Mount Rushmore!" says British Judge. (WHAT. Did he just call her fat?) "You look fantastic but you don't move!" Oh okay.

COMMERCIAL NOTE: Cheryl Burke (dancer on DWTS) tries on Depends for charity. I don't even…why, Cheryl, why?

Back from commercial and Wynnona talks about how amazing it is that Dorothy Hamil has managed to come sit in the audience which I mean I'm not saying her cyst isn't a big deal but can't anyone sit in an audience? I'm asking.

10. Sean Lowe. OH GOSH 2002 prom Sean has vampire hair.

His perspective is that dancing to YMCA is going to be great because everyone knows it, but I think he's forgetting that everyone also hates it. His partner says he's awkward (shocker) but he works super hard.

They interview him and he's super charming and I kind of miss him still.

OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS HE IS GIVING HIS PARTNER A ROSE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS IS HAPPENING.

I fear for what this dance is going to be.

There are three other people on the stage and they are all dressed like the village people.

He's not very good but bless him, he's trying. He kind of looks like a chippendale dancer on account of his overalls and wifebeater and hardhat.

But hey Catherine looks pretty!

Basically they say he has enthusiasm and isn't very good but this is his best dance yet and Spanish judge says he has shelves for Sean to come fix and acts suggestive and makes everyone uncomfortable.

Girl judge says spanish judge was the only thing missing from the routine which spanish judge of course takes as an excuse to get out from behind the desk and go after Sean.

He gets 7's which I think is probably pretty generous.

11. Zendaya. She hasn't been to prom because she is 16 so she is recreating moments from her grandma's prom because she has breast cancer which is pretty sweet.

Her nails are like 8 inches long and I'm hoping she cuts them before she gauges out her partner's eye.

They start out the dance in a fake gondola and then do a pretty dance in fake moonlight and of course it's great.

DWTS RESULTS: Wynnona Judd is eliminated. I mean ok she was terrible but she was providing half my material. Sigh.

Did anyone else endure Wynnona's pole dancing? Please tell me I wasn't alone.

DWTS Recap: Razzle Dazzle and Razz-a-mataz

Apparently misery loves company, because some of you actually read last week's recap of Dancing with the Stars (DWTS). So here I am again, bringing you all the news that's fit to print concerning B-list celebrities bumbling their way through dances I've never heard of. Is it just me or are the costumes exponentially worse than they were in the first episode? Glittery flight attendants, unconvincing lifeguards, and Wynnona is literally wearing the same policeman outfit as her partner. Except he's wearing a fake mustache.

I already hate this episode more than the last.

Also I'd just like to ask why this show is so unapologetically cheesy. Are they really panning past all the contestants they've already introduced while they smile and wave and wink at the camera?

Anyway, on to the dancing.

1. Inigo Montoya. (As he will henceforth be called because I can never remember his actual name which I think is similar to Inigo.) The montage essentially consists of a scene which is uncomfortable for everyone, where they talk about the need to have a penny in your butt.

SIDE NOTE: I keep thinking they're about to say Inigo is dancing with Kim Jong Un but then it's just dumb ol' Kim Johnson, which is not nearly as interesting.

He does the quickstep which I think is just synchronized running. The judges rhyme a lot and say things like "bingo ingo" and "tricky dicky" and that he messed it up because (spoiler alert) it was difficult. They argue about whether the problem was his frame or his footwork but basically they settle on it was OK but not GREAT.

Judge guy breaks in to bring the required drama and tell us that it is time for the VERY FIRST (in this season) JAZZ NUMBER and he literally uses the phrase "hi-jinks and high-drama."

This feels even more forced than the Bachelor.

Preview: Andy Dick trying to do the worm! Dorothy Hamil's body can't take it! Coaches yelling!

I see Sean's parents in the crowd and it warms my heart a bit.

2. Dorothy Hamil. Guys. Are you ready for this? I hope you're sitting down. Dorothy has a cyst. But she's brave and wants to keep going but her coach won't let her so she just has to sit there filming him dancing on an iPad but really probably checking facebook.

We get a lot of glimpses of Dorothy's bloomers and her partner looks like he came out of That Thing You Do. I dunno. It looked right to me until she almost fell sliding under his legs. So there was that. Lady judge says it was just fear not the cyst but they seemed to make a big deal about it before so I'm thinking maybe yeah it was the cyst.

She doesn't get good grades and she is clamping her partner's hands on her waist REAL hard during that post-performance interview. I'm just sayin'.

3. Jacoby Jones. He and his partner pose in a way that looks like he is sitting on her but JAY KAY you guys it's just the way they were standing and the fact that they have matching pants.

Oh snap, y'all. JAZZ time.

His partner refers to him as "Jacoby Jones"…like both names..which I feel like is a little much. Then he farts in rehearsal and she looks like she hates her life.

Little ballerinas come in and whip him into shape and the most adorable girl ever tells him she's got her eye on him and does the Barney Stinson thing.

The dance begins with a 10-foot tall woman in a trench coat…seems weird but OH NO FOILED AGAIN it's just her on Jacoby's shoulder you guys.

Their dance reminds me of Princess & the Frog, so I'm on board.

British judge says it's full of "razzle-dazzle and razz-a-mataz" which I assume is a good thing. Full disclosure, I can hardly understand a word this guy says most of the time.

Spanish guy is too excited about everything.

Perhaps my favorite part though was in Jacoby's post-dance interview when he was asked about the little dancers being hard on him:

"It felt like being trapped in a house, and they took up all the bathrooms."

….?? Is this Bad Lip Reading?

SIDE NOTE: You can vote on Facebook now? What kind of goof-around voting system nonsense is this? In my day you had to pick up a phone and call a number to vote for someone on American Idol and wait until you got through. Sigh. Remember 2001?

SIDE NOTE AGAIN: Do these people rehearse in a Peruvian compound? That building looks like an impenetrable fort.

4. Victor Victorious or something (Boxer Guy, for those of you keeping track at home). Basically Victor and Lindsay argue a lot and then they hug and make up. I'm actually kind of a huge fan of Lindsay and her ability to be a sane person in this show.

Dance opens on a wanted poster for "Vicious Victor" and "Lucky Lindsay" and I kind of want to vomit but also am left wondering how many hours their creative department spends on this crap.

The british guy calls it "scruffy" and people boo and he says "if you prick me do I not bleed?" Which I kind of enjoyed.

Spanish guy mispronounces Denzel and tells him it looks like a Zumba dance and that he needs to keep his bum underneath himselef.

Also Girl Judge impales her forehead with her bracelet.

5. Wynnona Judd. Wynnona's motivation this week, if anyone was wondering, is to…wait for it…not pee her pants. Her hair is about 8 shades of orange and her partner calls her babe a lot.

They enter on three-wheeled police segway contraptions and I'm not 100% certain she can see through sunglasses AND a hat AND her makeup. Like I'm a little concerned.

Her dance is a quickstep and it looks like it was in slow motion so I'm thinking that can't bode well.

Spanish judge talks about her boobs needing high security and British guy is not impressed.

SIDE NOTE: Do you think they make the host add all the scores in her head or do you think they multiply it for her in real-time? It seems like a waste of energy but I mean who wants to add quickly on national television?

6. Zendaya. Full disclosure I now adore Zendaya. I rediscovered the greatness of her performance last week and have since watched it about 5 times. She makes me enjoy dancing, which none of these other yahoos do.

She's basically amazing again and makes me enjoy myself for three minutes while watching this show.

Spanish judge says a star was born but I'm not really sure that this is the correct platform to be making those kind of assumptions on. Like how many famous dancers do you know and how many of them were made famous by Dancing with the Stars?

She gets 9s and I'm a huge fan.

7. Andy Dick. In his montage he says this is the first time he's experienced an exorbitant amount of stress and not drank, so I guess he has that going for him.

Unfortunately he and his partner decided to wear hashtag shirts in rehearsal. HASHTAG shirts. They say "#teamdick." I mean honestly.

His contribution to the dance was what his parter called the "demented worm" so we have that to look forward to as well.

Giant 3D mushrooms fill the stage and they do a super trippy Alice in Wonderland dance and Andy Dick channels a dinosour with a woman on his back at some point. I'm uncomfortable. She then does some sort of move where it looks like she's magnatizing Andy's butt which is weird and he crawls under her legs and looks through her skirt frame. I'm frightened.

Star Jones (or someone I assume is Star Jones) is in the audience and is just beside herself excited for Andy Dick so I guess she's like his best friend and has been rooting for him to overcome his addiction and dress up like the Mad Hatter and do the demented worm for years and it's finally happening.

The host calls it "fun-crazy" which I'm thinking can't be that good but I guess the judges liked it.

8. Sean Lowe. Okay, even Sean's skin is orange. We have a problem. I think we're going a little too far with the costumes here, guys. The montage includes Sean jumping around awkwardly, admitting to not showering and being verbally abused by his coach.

How does Catherine feel about her future husband giving fake CPR to a foreign dancer? I'm just saying, she's already had to endure watching him suck face with 24 other girls on TV.

I love Sean but he looks CRAY during this dance. Like his perma-smile and bulging eyes are a little too much for me.

Spanish judge says he has charm and charisma but it was TOO JITTERBUG, which is what I was going to say.

British judge didn't like it "at tool" and Louie Anderson is in the audience.

Is it just me or does Sean's partner look just like the mean step-mom from the Lindsay Lohan parent trap?

9. Aly Raisman. She makes a joke about quick-stepping-it-up and her partner tries to teach her how to be dramatic because I guess she was just too normal.

I don't know--it looks good to me but I am concerned that they almost bumped heads during the dance. And she definitely is hamming it up out there so high five for learning how to make faces when you dance.

The judges say it was the best quickstep of the night so apparently that's a big deal.

10. Real Housewife of Somewhere. She's wearing a glorified dance recital outfit which makes her look even older in my opinion. Her partner cries because he wants her to do well and I guess he's just sad that she's so terrible and his name is still Gleb, if anyone was wondering.

Can I just say how much I hate that these things have themes? Literally there is a beverage cart on stage. So unnecessary. WE GET IT YOU'RE A FLIGHT ATTENDANT OKAY?

She shakes a lot and then everyone makes airplane-themed puns about turbulance and bumpy rides and not taking off so all in all not looking good for Housewife.

Maybe she should have brought the dog out again. Apparently he was a better dancer than her.

Female Judge gives critique to the partner/expert dancer which I think is a little uncalled for. Poor Gleb.

11. D.L. Hughley. Apparently he got the first "4" in two years, which I think means they're playing it a little Paula-Abdul with the whole rating system.

"This went from a fun thing to Hunger Games in tights."

Sure he's being dramatic but 1) this show could use more drama and 2) it's a Hunger Games reference so I'm automatically in.

He complains and cusses a lot and the partner is not having it and they fight.

Watching the performance all I can really think about is how nervous I am for him after all that and how the girl singing messed up the words to the song and is now SCATTING.

Spanish judge calls him "my dahling" and Female Judge reminds him that he got slammed last week. He gets some 5's this week which means they told him it was great but really it was only 10% better than last week.

12. Kellie Pickler. The spray tan is not helping Kellie look any less crazy and neither is the way she says "brawd-way jay-uzz hay-unds kinduh thang."

This dance is apparently going to be ART and the judges may or may not GET it.

It opens with a lot of light sabers and Kellie is swimming with her legs while her partner carries her.

Basically she's kind of suprisingly amazing and her legs are still taller than I am and her partner is wearing no shirt. Oh, and the band butchers another song--this time Ellie Goulding.

Apparently the dance is so good that Female Judge's boobs almost pop out and host guy passive aggressively adds that it wouldn't be the first time. Female Judge also calls it "FREE-GAN" amazing, whatever that means.

Why do they keep showing Louie Anderson? I mean I know he's going to jump into a pool from a billion feet in the air but COME ON.

I am informed that next week is prom themed. Ugh.

Kellie thinks her scores are uh-MAY-zing. The End.

RESULTS:

Apparently Dorothy Hamil bowed out due to her injury so everyone else gets to stay, including Andy Dick. No justice, I tell you. None.

Who do you like best? I'm team Zendaya all the way at this point. She is the only person I've rewatched a performance for simply because I enjoyed it.

Alternatively, which part did you hate the most? I'm gonna say first, how uncomfortable Andy Dick's performance was, and second, the band.

XB's First (And Probably Last) Dancing with the Stars Recap

 

(ABC makes their own memes now. Seriously, this image came from their website.)

By now you may know that the community here on ol' XB loves/hates us some Bachelor. (It's complicated.)

By now you probably also know that this year's Bachelor took about 5 seconds to breathe, then jumped into a glittery blazer and went to dress rehearsal for Dancing with the Stars.

Though I've only seen two full seasons, I know enough to know that in general the Bachelor/Bachelorette is pretty insufferable. This year, though, was different.

I don't know if you've noticed, but Sean is awesome. And the girl he picked is awesome, and it's just all around a love fest of awesomeness.

So I felt like I had to give him a shot on DWTS, even though I have never watched the show.

And y'all, it was pretty darn terrible.

And not terrible in the way that The Bachelor is terrible but you're still entertained most of the time. Terrible in the way that you almost fall asleep while Andy Dick is crying about dancing being difficult and how he has let people down because he was on drugs or something.

Ugh.

It's even worse because they're not even competing FOR LOVE. They're just competing. I'm not even sure what they win. (I don't think it's pride.)

So without further ado, I present the recap (I'll try to make it less boring than the actual show, which shouldn't be too difficult because hopefully this post doesn't waste two full hours of your life.):

1) Kellie Pickler. I literally did not recognize her until her background montage told me who she was. She has a Jamie Lee Curtis haircut and makeup caked on like Emily Maynard. But don't worry, her voice hasn't changed. Still the worst. Like I can't even comprehend how someone in 2013 has that strong of a southern accent. And I grew up in Alabama.

Oh, and she was good at dancing and her torso is longer than my entire body.

SIDE NOTE: I already hate these judges. They say even less real words than American Idol judges (full disclosure I have not seen this season). The British Guy just said "yum yum pig's bum, that was fun" and I want to die.

ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: This band is terrible. Mostly just the singers. Why do they hate Jessie J so much? Why don't they use tracks? Or failed American Idol contestants? Then it'd all come full circle, you guys.

2) Some Boxer Guy. I think he had a hard life and then he is a clumsy dancer and does this pose with his mouth open at the end. Boring.

CATHERINE ALERT. I was just wondering where she was and then they showed her. I miss Seatherine already. Ca-sean? Their names don't fit very well.

TOO LITERAL JOKE ALERT: "We get most of our cast when their judgement is impaired." - Host Guy.

3) Some Soap Opera Guy. He was apparently on a soap opera for 18 years. General Hospital I think they said. I don't know who he is but he literally said he "does a lot of stand-up paddleboard racing now," like that's a calculated career move, so he's got that going for him.

The judges have a heated spat when British Guy is all, "TOO MUCH LIFTS" and Female Judge and Overly Suggestive Spanish (?) Judge are all "LEAVE HIM ALONE HE'S GORGEOUS" or something.

Basically he gets to wear a wifebeater and Sean has to wear what looks like a smoking jacket made out of Dorothy's shoes so there is no justice in the world.

4) Some Real Housewives Lady (AND HER TINY DOG). The dog for some reason comes with her onto the stage and looks VERY sedated throughout the interviews. I'm wondering if he's actually animatronic. She's worried about cheating on her husband of 30 years because her partner touches her butt and she is surprisingly conservative to look the way she does.

The first part of the dance is in black and white for some reason I guess to make it classier and her partner's name is Gleb. Don't worry she passed off the dog before she started dancing. He probably needed to go crash in a crate somewhere. Or recharge his batteries.

5) D.L. Hughley. I only vaguely recognize him from like 90's comedy or something but apparently he had a hard life too and was in a gang and it was sad and he found comedy which I think is nice.

He's the only one who has perspective in this show so far. His partner tells him not to move his arms like she does because it's what ladies do, and his response is "ALL this s*** is what ladies do!"

He does a ridiculous hip-sway/gyrating thing that I wish I had a gif of (this video will have to do) and is pretty much terrible but I kind of like him because he's obviously not taking this as seriously as Andy Dick (see: crying).

BAND UPDATE: I didn't think it was possible to butcher "Apple Bottom Jeans," but by jove, this band has done it.

6) Zendaya. Y'all don't have to explain to me who Disney Channel stars are, so I knew exactly who this girl is. She actually has dance training (she's on a dance-themed Disney show) so she was actually very good and super likable. No qualms with Zendaya. Also her partner was wearing bright yellow patent leather loafers.

7) AWWW YEAH, it's Sean time, you guys. First he's charming in his interview and we get to see Catherine some more, then he classily says something like "people want to talk about my personal life a lot [cue images of "virgin bachelor" US Weekly covers] but I don't really see how it matters."

We get to see him try to learn to dance which is also charming and adorable (as expected).

Foreign partner girl tries to suggest that he "rub himself" to which Sean responds "woahhhh," which only cemented my adoration for him further.

He's actually not terrible and gets to start out his dance holding a rose to which I'm assuming his response was "pshh no problem I got the whole holding-a-rose-and-looking-handsome thing on lock" which made his confidence level skyrocket.

The judges thought he was ok at dancing but applaud his "fearless exuberance," which I feel is pretty good feedback.

DISCLAIMER: I know zero point zero about dance, so nothing I say here will have anything to do with technique, if you haven't figured that out already.

Also he danced to "power of love" which just makes my heart happy. Win and a win for ol' Sean Lowe in my book.

8) Aly Raisman. If you don't remember, she's on the U.S. Olympic gymnastic team from last year. I was a fan of hers so I was excited to see her dance.

Her voice is kind of terrible (I was unaware of this seeing as I'd only watched her do gymnastics silently and/or tweet), and her breasteses were way out of control but she did a good job I guess. She was less likeable than I'd hoped.

COMMERCIAL COMMENTARY: This Splash show looks like the worst show of all time. The fact that they can legally claim any of these jokers (except maybe Kareem Abdul-Jabar) as a celebrity without being sued for false advertising is outrageous. Let's make Louie Anderson jump into a pool from 35 feet. Sure, great, do that.  And Community is on the chopping block? I hate everything.

9) Dorothy Hamil. I knew who she was, at least, but I mean does any one really care anymore now that Sean has already gone?

She was probably good but I zoned out after it started snowing on the dance floor.

10) Wynnona Judd. Just…sigh. She talks about how her husband is named Cactus and got in an accident and everything is sad. Then she dances and it's pretty boring and basic and like I could probably do it even though I can't dance at all but everyone is nice to her because she's so sad about life.

11) Andy Dick. More tragedy…addiction, rehab, and annoying voices. He talks about how this is his big chance to start over and some kind of nonsense and then he cries because it's too hard. First episode. Also he pushes that "I've treated everyone in my life poorly because of my addictions" thing SUPER hard. Like he tries to work it in to completely unrelated scenarios like Ben did with his dad dying on the Bachelor.

Literally his partner said something like "No, Stay" and laughed and said it was like she was treating him like a dog, and he goes "Uh, no it's ok I've acted like a dog for most of my life." I mean, seriously.

Anyway I honestly can't remember a thing about his dance because I started looking at Facebook or something when he started crying and I just don't care anymore at this point because this show is super boring.

12) Jacoby Jones who is apparently a football player and you probably know better than I do.  He mumbled a whole lot during his post-dance interview as if his stature didn't make it obvious enough that he was a football player. I thought he was actually good but British Judge said it was all showy and had no real technique. I know nothing about technique so there you have it.

And this concludes the first (and most likely last) ever Xtra Bacon recap of Dancing with the Stars. I hope you enjoyed the ride. Please collect your belongings on the way out and don't forget to vote for Sean because he's the best.

If you watched the show, who was your favorite? If not, which one of these B- celebrities would you root for?

A TV Viewer's Guide to The Networks

 

Recently I have discovered I see the four central networks as sort of having personalities in my head. Like the shows they air and the people who watch them mesh together to form character traits. I think your favorite network probably says a lot about you in that way. So I wanted to provide a guide to people who perhaps might not be as familiar with the networks so they could choose their favorite and therefore be judged by everyone else who disagrees.

That's what we're here for, right?

Let's begin.

CBS

CBS is great if you are still watching How I Met Your Mother ((I'm starting to feel about HIMYM the way I felt about The Office six months ago. Now that I essentially know how it ends for the characters I care about, I just want them to get there and be done, but I'm too invested to quit now.)) or ever wear a wife beater whilst sitting in a recliner.

I see CBS as kind of the old fogie of television networks. Mostly because their big draw seems to be Two and a Half Men and they refuse to make any of their shows viewable on iPads in any format whatsoever. And they boycott Hulu as well, which is annoying because we recently cut cable (I KNOW I KNOW. A post for another time. Spoiler alert: we're poor.)

Also because, well, look at their logo. Insert sad trombone here.

NBC

I have a love/hate relationship with NBC. I hate them for what they did to Conan (major party foul), and I hate them for what they're doing to Community and 30 Rock (I know they are on season 7 but I just want it to go on forever, ok?), but I love them for putting shows like Community and 30 Rock on the air in the first place. I also love them for putting Friday Night Lights on the air and allowing it to exist so that I could watch it on Netflix a year later and have it soar into my heart permanently forever. (I'm still grieving its loss.)

So NBC is a particularly perfect place for people aged 18-35 who like things that are funny and don't like things that are not funny. If CBS is the old fogie, NBC is the 25-year-old entrepreneur running an online marketing company out of his apartment. Sometimes he's kind of a douche, but at least you have a few things in common.

ABC

I feel like ABC is the family network. Not "family" in the way that iTunes movies means "family," by which I mean that they are all cartoons, but in the way that it has shows for all kinds of family members. You've got your accessible comedy Modern Family, you've got your dramas, no controversial cult comedies--really it's a well-rounded network that would look good on a college application. ABC's probably most like a 45-year-old family man who makes mistakes but has a good heart.

Fox

Fox is pretty much just reality shows and New Girl in my head. Is there anything else on Fox? Maybe some sort of action dramas they promote with an overly dramatic voiceover? Oh yeah, Glee. Is that show still on? Ugh.

Basically if you like dramatic performances and Zoey Deschanel you will like Fox. Fox is like a broadway star clinging to her former heyday (read: American Idol) but still performing with unwavering enthusiasm.

But really, New Girl is fantastic so Fox gains a lot of points there. Sidebar: is Winston really still here? I'm just asking.

What's your favorite network? Did I miss anything or get anything wrong in my descriptions?