DWTS Recap: Farting the Salsa

Aaaaand we're back!

Again, apologies for missing last week but I think my brain and emotional well-being fairs better if I take a break every now and then. Plus I did my first podcast last week, which I think should totally make up for it.

This week is LATIN WEEK you guys. I can't tell you how I know that other than the fact that they repeated it about 17 times per minute.

That means this episode is going to be a very special kind of terrible.

I'm immediately validated in my assumption because this week features GRAMMY AWARD WINNING LATIN SUPERSTAR….Juanes, I want to say? I mean honestly what was Ricky Martin doing besides caring for twins? I'm asking.

They remind us again it's LATIN NIGHT.

Everyone descends the staircase to the cheesy intro music and I really wish I knew who composed this song so I could give them a swift kick in the pants. It truly is the worst. It was probably the band leader they make us thank every week for being terrible.

Inigo Montoya is still here, Aly looks like a peacock, Bruno is dancing FAR too much to this music over at the judge's table as per us', Jacoby shimmies a lot, and Zendaya throws up her trademark gang symbol because she's so hard. I did find out (definitely NOT by stumbling upon her Twitter page) that she does that symbol as a Z for Zendaya so DON'T WORRY GUYS she's not a Blood or anything. She's just good at branding.

"Tonight our contestants are going to do a LATIN dance performed by a LATIN song by LATIN grammy award winner Juanes and did I mention that it's LATIN night?"

YES, host guy, AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU DID.

Adding another layer to this cluster of awful that is this episode is the fact that there are TWO rounds. If you get the best grade in the first round you get immunity this week and don't have to dance the second round, which is [wait for it] a DANCE-OFF.

Y'all this is really happening. I hope it's just like Step Up. Or what I assume Step Up is like because I never saw it.

JACOBY JONES.

Here we get to be reminded just how badly the band butchered Stevie Wonder songs last week even though Stevie Wonder was ACTUALLY THERE. I mean honestly did he have to sit through this nonsense? He CAN hear, you know.

Anyway, according to Jacoby's partner, this week it is ESPECIALLY important to be good because only ONE couple gets immunity. As opposed to every other week when 14 people get immunity? Sigh. Just dance, Katrina. No one wants to hear you say things.

Katrina ignores my advice and throws out the non-word SNAPADOODLE and I really wish she would just stop talking.

Jacoby tries to do a lift and Katrina is all, "Grab my legs, Jacoby, not my arms. [grabs her arms] My legs. [grabs a different part of her arms] MY LEGS."

Sigh. Football players, AM I RIGHT?

She kicks him in a face a lot, he makes a joke with poor comedic timing, and he takes a day off to recover from both [DUN DUN DUN]. Will they still learn the FOUR dances they have to do this week? Let's find out.

They fake playing Latin-themed percussion for a minute (because it's LATIN WEEK you guys) they do a lot of spins and at the end it looks like he caught her head with his crotch as she slid under but OH IT WAS ON PURPOSE. I literally gasped, so I guess it worked?

The audience seems to be OVERJOYED at the pure magnificence displayed before them.

Len: "Was that an earthquake or did you just rock this place?"

Sigh. Who gives him these lines?

He says it was good but TOO MUCH LIFTS for his taste.

Mama Jones gets ANGRY in the audience and does the Barney Stinson watching-you motion.

"SOMETHING FIESTA SOMETHING SOMETHING" Bruno goes on and on and thrusts a lot an he is wearing a blue suit and people are screaming and I'm just super overwhelmed. It's sensory overload here.

"I loved it." - Bruno. Shocking.

Girl Judge: "It's like you could FART the salsa. It's like, man, that guy FARTS salsa."

And she looks around like "RIGHT? AM I RIGHT?" and everyone's just like "ew, Carrie. Ew."

The host literally says "Really?" Am I the only one picturing like Pace salsa coming out of someone's butt? I'm done here.

Girl host is totally appalled and says that ladies are NOT supposed to say that word but let's face it, fart jokes are funny across the board.

"My grandma says if you keep in it, you gon' die, so I let it out."- Jacoby

His partner looks MORTIFIED. What is even happening on this show anymore? Is this still on TV?

Girl host says talking about such things is NOT good for "all of us back here" which I assume to mean…hosts? It reflects badly on them? Are their reputations REALLY on the line here? They are hosting DWTS and ol Tom over there goes rogue every 15 minutes so I really don't think she has any grounds to be upset at a little fart talk at this point.

He gets 9s and the host reminds us it's LATIN NIGHT again but also adds "or what we like to call Carrie Ann-over-sharing-night" which makes me actually like him for once.

INIGO MONTOYA is apparently doing a Nacho Libre salsa, whatever that is.

Back from commercial and some people named Emma and Sasha are dancing for no reason I guess to give Juanes something to do because he is singing his little heart out up there.

YOU GUYS. There are currently animated flames coming out of Inigo's head. ANIMATED FLAMES.

Seriously if this show had any dignity left, it is now in the pooper.

OMG they are showing scenes from his General Hospital days and it is the most 90's fabulous thing I have ever seen.

In rehearsal Inigo's partner is wearing a flowy dress with a bikini top underneath, paired with legwarmers. I mean honestly get it together, KIM.

Inigo informs us that since the Rumba is very romantic and sexy he should be good at it because he's been doing that for the last 18 years (on a soap).

Y'ALL they dance to Maria, Maria by Marc Anthony. Way to earn your 9-cent royalty, Marc Anthony. Keep milking that one hit for all it's worth.

Inigo rocks a fedora and the singer is all "played by Car-los San-tan-aaaaa" …NOT. Why didn't the singer replace the name of the band member? "played by Pa-uuuul Fendermannnnn" totally works. Or he could just say "played by aCarlosSantanaImpersonatorrrrrr…." I'm just saying. It wasn't accurate.

The dance is far too long and boring but the song does take me back to 1999 so that's helping.

THE KID FROM SHAKE IT UP IS HERE TO WATCH ZENDAYA. Sorry not sorry that I knew that.

Is it just me or does Inigo's partner remind you of a skinner, more provocative Renee Zelwegger? Is that how you spell Zelwegger? Why does she have such a weird last name? I'm getting off track.

Anyway Bruno is all "They say that hips don't lie! In your case, I weeesh they deeed!"

ZING.

Man, he's standing again. He stands up whether he likes the dance or not. Apparently Inigo didn't move his hips enough and is THINKING too much.

People boo and the host is all "Heh, did you guys take BOOING LESSONS before you got here?" and everyone thought this was HILARIOUS and I want to jump out a window.

Tomorrow night the dancer who lost her foot in the Boston Marathon bombing is coming by and DWTS hopes to be "part of her recovery" and I just want to tell her to stay as far away as possible because DWTS will ruin any good thing she has going for her in her life because they are the WORST.

Inigo says his character on General Hospital would've given him an 8 which is great news considering what a dance aficionado "Jax" is.

Scores: 7,8,7

Bruno dropped his paddle when he was saying his score and host guy is like "Bruno lost his paddle, joining the MARBLES he lost in Season 1." [insert dramatic eye-roll here]

Seriously just stay with the script, TOM.

SIDE NOTE: is anyone else super creeped out by how intense Juanes is?? He's like a Latin Uncle Jesse only more intimidating.

I guess he is just entertaining people during commercial breaks because the profesh dancers are the only ones dancing while he performs.

Meanwhile a GOLF CART drives by in the background carrying Zendaya and some other dancers and WHY is everything in this show so painfully unnecessary??

Kellie & Derek next.

Apparently they got 10's last week and Len said it was the best dance he's seen on season 16 and all I can think about is the fact that we have let this go on for SIXTEEN SEASONS without shutting it down.

In the interview, Kellie is literally wearing a shirt that has "ALABAMA" emblazoned across the chest and says that "gitting a tee-un from lee-un" was so great last week.

This week she has three concerts (REALLY KELLIE? COMMIT, OKAY?) so Derek has to go on the road with her which makes me laugh. Did they like bunk up in the tour bus and eat cereal together and did he come to her shows and stuff? I need to know what this experience was like.

"We're gonna be dancin' zawmbies Monday naght." - Kellie

OH NO THEY DIDN'T. THEY ARE DANCING TO "SHAKE YOUR BON BON."

They really should rename this episode "Throwback to the late 90's Latin Explosion" night.

They hip swivel and thrust a lot and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable AGAIN. I should probably just start a drinking game or something for every time I feel uncomfortable but 1) I don't like alcohol and 2) I'm pretty sure I'd be too drunk to take notes after like the third dance.

It turns into some kind of interpretive dance for a quick minute and then they do a super impressive ending, not gonna lie.

Streamers fall from the ceiling when their dance ends which I think shows a little favoritism on the producers' part. I mean come on where were Jacoby's streamers?

LOLOL Carrie literally has to say "Kellie…Kellie…focus" before she starts talking. Basically she says that Kellie lacks the emotional connection.

Len says it was a "mix of bootie, bounce and bongos." SERIOUSLY with the lines. Who is writing this nonsense? Len thought it was BRILLIANT so apparently Carrie is being kind of a hard-ass tonight and everyone hates her because she is the only one saying anything negative so far.

"You shook MY bon bons!" - Bruno

[insert shot of alcohol here]

Girl hosts asks Kellie if they actually did feel like zombies tonight and Kellie starts to say something but Derek totally hijacks the interview and is all like "WE HAD FUN [to audience] DID Y'ALL HAVE FUN???" like he's trying to cover up her answer because they actually are zombies and she was about to blow their cover or something.

Grades: 9,10,10.

Derek is ashamed about going shirtless in front of his grandparents but shouldn't we all just live each day as if our grandparents are watching? EH, DWTS?? Let's tone down the questionable behavior.

OH NO ANDY IS WEARING A PINEAPPLE ON HIS HEAD AND IS EMERGING FROM UNDER A TABLE.

This can't be good.

Andy Dick.

Andy is wearing a bright yellow vest.

Bruno called their performance last week a "personality-driven SHAMBLE of a samba," which I'm thinking can't be good.

"Sharna and I are in the pack of scraggly coyotes…" - Andy

I just…Does anyone even know what he's talking about anymore?

Sharna: You gotta get a LITTLE bit sexual baby, it's a Rumba. Andy: Ok, don't get mad if you fall in love with me!

Things I've learned so far this episode 1) Rumbas are supposed to be romantic and sexy and 2) Andy Dick is neither.

EWW he is kissing and fondling her leg.

[insert shot here]

People are still clapping to a non-clappable song. THIS IS NOT A THING, you guys.

Ew Andy is beckoning her like he's a serial killer.

There are SMALL CHILDREN in the front row. Why are we letting them watch this??

Len says it wasn't erotic enough and I'm wondering what planet he is on. Maybe he went to get Starbucks during the dance because they take so freaking long.

Bruno wishes he could forget it but they appreciate how much he TRIED (wah-wahhhh). This is becoming a theme.

Carrie says he has dead arms.

"I'm moving like a dancer…in LIFE" - Andy "[awkward eye shifting] Errr…I love you Andy…" - host girl

Grades: 5,6,6

Everyone goes "AWWW" and makes it 500 percent worse and Andy takes it upon himself to say that "gives him the ol' sour face." UGH. MOVING ON.

In this random setup we have the three professionals dressed as a mariachi band and Zendaya, Sean and Aly are sitting at a nearby table trying to look like they don't want to die.

Sean's not really succeeding.

Back from commercial and UGH make this Juanes guy stop singing and bring back Stevie freaking Wonder.

Emma needs to TONE IT DOWN. She is STILL in dancing character just walking up to Juanes and waiting for the real people who matter to start talking.

Aly Raisman.

Aly is wearing blue eyeshadow and I hate it.

Mark's pants have leopard print pockets which are never explained and Aly hurts his neck. He has trouble moving and they show him at the doctor (OH NOOOO).

But don't worry guys he doesn't sacrifice style in the most dire of situations, as evidenced by his wearing of a fedora at the doctor's office. The doctor says it will be a MIRACLE if he performs (FORESHADOWING Y'ALL).

They show Aly and Mark at Mark's apartment. STRANGER DANGER, ALY! You are 18!

"I hate the feeling of you out there with someone else." - Mark

Um, is something going on here we need to be aware of? I'm asking.

Aly has to dance with dumb ol' Henry in the mean time but don't worry Mark is THERE you guys.

The dance starts off with Aly behind a legit fruitstand called "Raisman's Fruit Fiesta" I mean HONESTLY how much time and effort is being spent on these sets??

I used to like Aly but now all I see is a bunch of bouncing and mouth-opening and over-the-top facial expressions and a lot of fringe.

Y'all that looks like real fruit in the fruit stand. Did they waste that just for this?

People are going CRAY over this dance and I'm not really sure why. I guess they fell for the ol' fringe and bouncing routine.

"You SPICE UP MY LIFE!" - Bruno

WHOA WHOA WHOA was that a Spice Girls reference? I like him a trillionth of a percent more now.

NOPE he's still talking and saying things like "tutti fruiti tropical delicious blah blah blah hyperbole blah blah blah" and humping the table.

[insert another shot here]

Carrie loves it and she starts dancing AT Len which sets off Bruno and it's pandemonium at the judges' table while they both terrorize Len who, surprisingly, is becoming the most sane person at the table just by observing regular social norms.

Len analogizes it to a Tequila Sunrise and I'm done here.

In the post-dance interview Aly says something about HAVING FUN because that's what people always say. I hate post-anything interviews.

Grades: 10,9,10

Sean Lowe.

Peta is upset AND bummed about last week.

SIDE NOTE: Noooo sweet Victor went home! SERIOUSLY somebody voted in Andy Dick over Victor the precious boxer? I don't understand anything about life anymore.

"I have to pretend I'm in love, and that's a struggle because I don't have romantic feelings for Peta."

AHHH is anyone else having nostalgic flashbacks at Sean's use of the term "romantic feelings?" I miss the Bachelor. It is better than this show. And that is saying something.

YAY CATHERINE TIME!

Catherine comes in to help Sean be romantic and sexy or something but I JUST LOVE THEM OMG.

"I feel like I shouldn't be watching this." - Peta

Okay so go away and let Catherine dance instead. Like anyone would even be mad.

Catherine gets embarrassed at the sexy dance because she is the greatest.

Tom reminds us that tonight we are graced with the presence of a "leading all-Spanish-language Rock Superstar" which is NOT A THING.

OMG they are dancing to "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias. So great. The only Latin music America has was released in that three year period and then it died so that's all they have to pull from.

He actually does really well and I'm SUPER proud. Like more proud than I should be. Let's get Catherine in there every week. She mouths "that was beautiful" at the end and I still want to be her friend.

Carrie was impressed and apparently takes notes in a moleskine and I'm noticing Len has some kind of peasant spiral-bound nonsense. Seriously ABC spring for some quality notebooks. Don't make them bring their own from home.

Len says he was wooden and his hands were FLAPPING away and everyone boos again and he says he is not going to speak anymore because he is offended by a booing woman but no one's mad about it.

Bruno calls it "a vision in gray…fifty shades of SHOWN."

[insert shot here]

He adds that sometimes Sean sticks his butt out and it looks like he's going to the toilet. (He's not wrong.)

It's Catherine's birthday and Sean gets 8's and all is well with the world.

ZENDAYA TIME.

She's supposed to do the pasa doble which we learned from previous episodes is like super hard or something.

Mark says it's all about intensity which is what he does best and Zendaya says he probably eats breakfast intensely.

AGAIN WITH THE NAILS, ZENDAYA. Get those things under control. It's dangerous.

She starts with castanets and I just found out I can't spell castanets.

He was right, it's super intense, but the dance is awesome because duh it's Zendaya.

"Darling you look like an angel; you dance like a fury." True Bruno nonsense, ladies and gentlemen.

He adds to keep her CHEEN UP and so does Len.

Tom asks us to give it up for the band but I refuse because they suck at life.

Zendaya gets 9's and girl host asks Mark about being intense eating breakfast and he replies some nonsense about doing the best you can taking out the garbage and loving dancing.

Zendaya says "you know what I mean?" a lot and I'm pretty sure they're stalling right now because they usually rush the heck out of these post-dance interviews.

Everyone has now danced and it's time to reveal the winner of ROUND 1.

But wait! It's a TIE! [an audible gasp is NOT heard in the audience]

Apparently they have a "rulebook" [its existence is yet to be verified] which makes Kellie & Derek win immunity.

Aw man, now they make us listen to Juanes while people change clothes. I'm fast forwarding because I refuse to sit through this when I have the technology not to.

Now it's time for the DANCE OFF CHALLENGE (Challenge…Challenge…)! Don't worry there's even an animation to tell us that.

Andy's coach says it's the first time he'll get picked first (because he's the worst and people will want to challenge him) which I think is hateful.

Everyone reminds us 800 times that the Rumba is the dance of LOVE but I thought they were pretty much all dances of love.

"I JUST WANNA WIN, DAMMIT." - Jacoby.

Man I just love that guy.

Aly and Mark get to pick who they want to dance with and of course they pick Andy and Sharna because duh, who wouldn't?

Andy and Sharna take about 19 minutes to pick the ChaCha and basically get played off because they don't pick fast enough and this is live television.

COMMERCIAL NOTE: I'm watching this on Hulu but there is a commercial staring former DWTS contestant ….HOUSEWIFE…lady….and she's talking about "I cahn't believe it's not butt-tah." It takes a lot to be a step backwards from DWTS but I'd say she's achieved it.

Back from commercial and we are informed that this challenge gets you EXTRA JUDGES POINTS!!!

…wait…don't people vote for this show? So like everything is made up and the points don't matter, just like Whose Line is it Anyway? This is pure nonsense.

"HERE HAVE THREE EXTRA JUDGE'S POINTS!" -Host "What can I do with Judge's points?" - Dancer "NOTHING!" "So…." "[SMILES BLANKLY]" "[SIGH]"

YAY they dance to Karmin! OH WAIT this means it will be ruined. I hate everything.

Aly does her mouth expressions and bounces a lot again. Right now Mark should regret teaching her how to be animated.

Andy and Sharna dance to the same song only they dance at a pace about 900 times slower so of course Aly wins the challenge.

Len liked Andy's PLUCK for cheering on Aly while she was dancing. Never a good sign.

Bruno says "SOMEBODY was technically better" and Carrie says "I love you for never giving up."

Seriously this patronizing of Andy Dick has gotten way out of control. I wish he would stop acting like a sad wounded raccoon so that they would actually say something real to him.

NEW PADDLES YOU GUYS. These have NAMES.

Aly gets three judge's points which means nothing and we move on to zendaya who is wearing Chuck Taylors. I don't know if that's allowed but I approve.

They pick Jacoby & Karina because these points matter zero point zero percent and they know it.

They do the jive and Zendaya is precious and awesome as usual and Jacoby is good and does the splits and jumps over his partners head again. So now we know what his go-to moves are.

Presently Jacoby and Val are doing a splits-off.

"EET TWAS LIKE WATCHING TWO CHAMPIONS REALLY." - Bruno

He says he likes the kicks & flicks so I guess that was good.

"I applaud you for picking Jacoby because that made it a REAL battle."

Come on Carrie, that's just insensitive. Sean is RIGHT THERE.

Zendaya wins the three nonsense points and no one is surprised.

This leaves Inigo and Sean to do the Rumba which they have both already done tonight.

Why are they pushing the Rumba so hard tonight? GAH.

Of course it's a One Republic song and I think Sean has actually found his dance. Y'know, besides the butt-sticking-out thing. It's pretty much the same dance as before but high five for recycling.

Inigo DOES have the hip swivels going on so that may win it for him. Also WHY is his partner never wearing anything?

Apparently while they were dancing Carrie was filling out paperwork or something and she says she had BUSINESS to take care of which is probably her signing on for another show because this one is making her die inside.

"EET TWAS LIKE WATCHING BATTLE OF THE HAHNKS" - Bruno

Host girl: "What did you think about this challenge?" Inigo's partner: "IT WAS CRAY-ZY."

Was it? Was it really? I feel like that is a bit of an exaggeration, but then again, so is everything on this show.

Inigo: "It was fun; we actually had a dance-off kind of!"

Good because that's LITERALLY WHAT IT WAS CALLED.

YEAH BRUNO voting for Sean! Oh well the other two voted for Inigo so he wins the invisible wonder points.

LOLOL this recap of the dances is ridiculous. It's like,

BAM JACOBY BAM INIGO [insert that circusy song here] Andy Dick

It feels like time stops when he dances and everything is more painful.

Final thoughts: I don't think Aly is as good as they think she is. And YAY SEAN.

RESULTS: Andy Dick got kicked off and cried a lot and everyone felt bad for him but at some point you just have to be able to dance, okay?

DWTS Recap: Below the Belt

I know. Just...don't look directly at it.

First of all I would like to apologize to everyone who relies on my accurate and comprehensive recaps of the greatest show starring dancing comedians ever to be on TV for missing last weeks DWTS recap.

Somehow, I'm sure you carried on, but I apologize just the same.

Apparently Gleb and Housewife went home last week. Poor Gleb. Don't let this get you down, buddy. Go forth and teach other reality show "stars" how to quick-step. I'm sure it will be 100 percent worth it.

Anyway, let's get to EPISODE 5 which is the half-way point apparently so things are getting REAL. At least that's what they insisted on telling me throughout this episode.

This week is particularly cutthroat because it features LEN'S SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENGE (challenge...challenge...)! I don't know why he gets his own challenge or if he actually came up with this idea but apparently the deal is they have to dance next to professionals.

The intro begins and all the professionals are dancing in some sort of party bus scenario and then they pan to the audience and some more dancers are doing like a strip show essentially and ALL of this is happening to a Pitbull song. I mean I'm not 100 percent sure it was a Pitbull song but it made me feel just as terrible as a Pitbull song does regardless so does it really matter?

Here come the non-professionals...D.L. is thrusting again (is he really still here?), Sean is terrible as per us' but at least he tries and Aly is doing flips because she CAN, suckas. And NOOOOOO Andy is thrusting now, why is there so much thrusting in this show? I think it's the only "move" half of the guys competing can do.

Now it's the part of the show where Len is featured in a prerecorded explanation of his SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENGE EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA. It's pretty much the trippiest thing I've ever seen and is not well executed at all but basically he's floating in front of a nondescript black backround and there are TWO of him which is necessary to explain the SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENGE. He does a hip swivel with himself and it's the worst explanation ever. Also he looks like he fell asleep in a tanning booth for like 75 years.

Someone isn't wearing pants for some reason and then it's commercial time and Penelope Cruz is still pushing the NETHPRETHO thing really hard.

Inigo Montoya goes first.

Apparently he was good last week. That's all you need to know from that episode.

He is assigned the chacha which makes him hulk out during rehearsal and become nothing more than an angry thruster (again with the thrusting), which I don't think is really going to help him.

His partner tells him this is easy and synchronized and then demonstrates and YEAH that's totally easy KATRINA. Why didn't Inigo just do that before? THANKS FOR THE TIP.

Fortunately Inigo and the guy in the other professional couple (whom they will be dancing alongside in the SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENNNGGEEE) are wearing matching fedoras so I think that will help.

Inigo's goal this week is to skate by unnoticed and just make it to next week. Way to reach for the stars, Inigo. Good thing he's going first because by the time two hours of haphazard dancing goes by I've already forgotten everyone but Zendaya anyway.

OH GOSH they are dancing to Lady Marmalade. The band's track record suggests this is going to be a trainwreck of a performance.

Everyone's dressed like strippers and Inigo is not good at high kicks. But the good news is he DID practice his thrusting so it looks less angry.

And oh em gee the songs are TWICE as long this week what is even happening? I thought the show would be shorter with less dancers, but silly me, that would actually minimize the pain of watching this atrocity and we know that's not how they roll.

Girl judge says the pelvic thrusts were a hit but he needs to work on "below the belt."

This sends everyone into a tizzy and the host isn't even paying attention and his explanation after getting caught was that he's doing another show in his head. So am I, host guy. So am I.

They say "below the belt" approximately 800 times and everyone giggles because apparently we're in 2nd grade.

JACOBY JONES, y'all.

Apparently he did a foxtrot for his son last week that people liked and OH EM GEE his baby son is the cutest ever.

He has to do the jive which he insists is the same as "The Skip" in New Orleans which infuriates his partner because it is NOT the same at all.

"I can't move my s*** like that; I am a MAN."

I just love this guy.

He likes the guy in their partner couple because he "looks like he play defensive end and he can dance" so I guess that's good.

They start in some kind of sketchy graffiti'd alleyway playing cards and I'm really getting tired of the performance art. I mean is any of this necessary? I very much don't need a setup to every dance. Like I couldn't need it any less.

The profesh dancer couple's lady is all up in the camera flicking her butt and I feel slightly violated. Jacoby looks like he's doing the bow-legged chicken dance just as well as the profesh guy, so as far as I'm concerned, 10!

He does look like he's having fun and not taking this nonsense so seriously, which I enjoy. SHOOT DANG he did the splits you guys. AND he legit JUMPED over his partner's head.

I don't know anything about dance, but that was awesome. Give him 10's and let's all go home.

Again the dance is about 36 minutes longer than it should be and I'm bored.

It finally ends and spanish judge says it was like "watching two s-TALLIONS at the height of their power fighting for dominance" or something like that. Why does everything he says have to be sexual? TONE IT DOWN, BRUNO. (Yes, I learned his name this week!)

They all tell him to point his feet and british judge basically tells girl judge to stop talking because it's like she's giving the Gettysburg Address over there but like he would even know what that is because he's BRITISH.

Len says Jacoby will never get a 9 out of him without pointing his feet but WHATEV Len, stop being a stick in the mud. HE JUMPED OVER HIS PARTNER'S HEAD AND DID THE SPLITS. Gah. If I ran this show it would be so different.

Victor

I guess they butchered their dance and were in the bottom 2 again last week so this one has to be good, but I want to know who is putting Andy Dick and D.L. Hughley ahead of Victor the adorable boxer? What is wrong with people? Do I have to start VOTING now? Ugh. As if I don't invest in this show enough already.

Rehearsal Excerpt:

"Are you doing the dance right now?" -Victor "Yeah." - Partner "Oh, I thought you were just...prancing around." - Victor.

He is just great.

Turns out Victor was distracted in rehearsal because his girfriend of a year cheated on him and he found out during practice. NOOO poor sweet Victor! There, there. Come hug it out. It's ok. DANCE the pain away.

They do the waltz and start out posing amid scary mannequins and SERIOUSLY with the performance art?

I dunno, waltzes are pretty and they look the same to me so high five.

Enter saxophone solo (!!) and the dance is again far too long. Verse 2 is always the worst because you realize it's only halfway over.

Still no idea why the mannequins are there. Do you think they're just running out of ideas? I mean at least the other nonsense setups had something to do with the style of dance.

Girl Judge says there was fluidity which was good but his feet came off the floor in some of the "lifty-wiftys" which just reminds me of Dr. Who and makes me happy.

Len legit tells her to go home because there was no INTENT to lift his feet so apparently it doesn't count. Spanish judge interrupts everyone just to agree with them so I'm not sure why it was necessary.

Side note: I just realized everyone has already changed from their intro outfits. When did that happen and wasn't that a waste of some perfectly good neon bow ties?

Host guy: "We're back and I'm on my mark for a change."

Y'know, sometimes it's just better to maintain the 4th wall.

Aly Raisman.

MAN she got to do flips last week and danced to "Titanium." She got 9's and I am totally googling her performance during the commercial break.

And she's at the top of the leaderboard?? Noooo, Zendaya, what happened? Man, I tell ya, you miss one week...

The girl professional tries to teach Aly how to be sexy and flip her hair and whatnot and Aly says it's nice to have a girl to teach her but Mark is a good girl too and is good at being sassy. So he's got that going for him.

Side note: It is becoming increasingly clear that I would be terrible at this. Absolutely terrible.

I think she got flustered during the dance when she was whipping her hair back & forth and it's starting to look off-beat to me but what do I know.

Really the standout nerve-grater here is that the singer is singing the wrong cadence and melody for "Misery" by Maroon 5 and it's driving me insane.

Len says her bottom is the tops, whatever that means.

Bruno gets even more hot and bothered than usual and this is what he chooses to say:

"Ohhhh missy missy I had no idea you could be SASSY and SAUCY! Whip it! Because you're worth it!" I think he's just throwing out slogans at this point.

Carrie says she thinks it's good that Aly brought out her little sex kitten and NO. Stop that. She is an Olympian, not Ke$ha. Get out of here with that.

COMING UP: Y'all I think the wasp face might come out. Kellie is making partner guy angry! And you won't like it when he's angry. (See what I did there?)

COMMERCIAL SIDE NOTE: GATSBY TRAILER OMG. Shining moment in this two hours of terribleness.

Sean Lowe

Last week Sean evidently danced like a caveman or something but WHO EVEN CARES because he ended it by kissing Catherine and I just miss them. Can we get them their own reality show already? Newlyweds Part Deux. And this time no one will ask if tuna is chicken or fish. Probably.

This week he has to do the quickstep which I already knew because he tweeted about how hard it was and that makes me slightly nervous for him.

SIDE NOTE: Are off-shoulder tops like a thing for dancers? I mean you'd think they'd just get in the way of all the grand arm gestures but I guess it's a small price to pay for 80's fashion. Come to think of it, are dancers perpetually stuck in the 80's? They wear a lot of neon and legwarmers. I'm asking.

Sean tries to copy Tristan (the profesh dancer)'s every move and decides to do so by wearing the exact outfit as him. He comes out wearing a neon pink shirt like it's a gag but we all know he had that in his closet due to the omnipresence of neon in the Bachelor. Or he stole it from his dad (LOL remember that?).

I think he did well! He looks terrified behind his perma-smile which makes me nervous because I just like him so much and want him to dance pretty.

"SHOWN! WHAT EES GOINK OWN?" proclaims Bruno. Until now, he says, Sean has been a lumberjack, but now he is a swan, which I feel is a bit of a reach but whatever.

Girl judge is all flustered and doesn't say anything of note.

British judge says last week he was a statue and this week he is a pigeon, which aren't really opposites, and is definitely worse than a swan, so I'm not sure really what his angle was with that. Neither is the audience apparently beacause everyone thinks this is HILARIOUS.

Especially Bruno who is still laughing 6 minutes later. I seriously do not get anyone on this show.

Sean says that Tristan is not only a beautiful dancer but a beautiful man and I just really want to go on a double date with Seathrine.

They get 8's and Sean's partner almost kisses his hand and I'm about to lunge at the TV on behalf of Catherine. Get that girl out here and let her beat up Meredith from the Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap (which I'm convinced is Sean's partner's true identity).

Kellie Pickler

They're on a legit golf cart on the dance floor and I'm wondering how much work it was for the PAs to set that up just for this one preview moment.

They have to do a foxtrot and her partner is nervous, to which Kellie responds: "If yo-er ner-vus, 'Ahm gunna hay-uve a ner-vus break-DAY-own!"

Ugh. I'm sure she's smarter than she sounds. I mean, she HAS to be, right?

This dance, by the way, is Kellie's first BALLROOM DANCE, which I just learned is not ALL of these dances.

Her partner hulks out on her for messing up a dance move and I'm a little nervous he's going to abuse her but it's cool you guys the wasp face is back in the holster.

I think her problem is really that she set the bar too high too early. Wynnona would have never gotten the wasp face.

On to the dance! These are the only costumes that have made sense so far in context of the dance and the music. Kellie's wig is looking a little cray but she dances as well as the other girl as far as I can tell.

They do this weird wobble-back-and-forth-like-you're-made-of-plastic move and she's good and the dance is too long again.

Girl Judge can't believe it was Kellie's FIRST ballroom. Because apparently that's how all the cool kids say it. Just "ballroom."

What is NOT how the cool kids say it? "putting the 'ooo' in 'smooth'," which is what Len said.

"Thaynk yew, Le-uhn!" - Kellie

Ugh.

Spanish judge apparently thinks this dance was fitting of Great Gatsby and Baz Lurhman would be impressed but how dare he suggest that Kellie Pickler could come anywhere near that movie.

"Dang, y'all, that Gats-bay sure is straynge."

In the post-dance interview she actually references her wig which I feel like is against protocol for that sort of thing. Aren't you supposed to just act like it's your real hair even if everyone knows it's totally not? Anyway, she says she was afraid it was going to fly off.

Her partner does a Kellie impression which I think was pretty spot on. Apparently when he gets all wasp-y, she goes "I don't hate yew, but I hate your way-s right nay-ow."

I'll allow it.

She gets 9's. I mean honestly have they ever given out a 10 on this show?

PREVIEW: Zendaya is wearing a pretty dress and fencing DL and Andy. She stabs DL and no one's mad about it.

COMMERCIAL NOTE: Jennifer Hudson is all over my TV singing "I GOT THE POW-UH!" in yellow pants and I just can't handle it anymore. J Hud (Are all Jennifer's allowed to be called J - [first syllable]?)...I like you and all but this has got to stop. You're losing my respect one lip-synched "woo!" at a time.

Back from commercial and it's D.L. Hughley's turn.

Ugh. Last week he humped the judges' table. So unnecessary. He thrusts more than anyone else on this show, and that's saying something. But he got 7s so hooray for sympathy votes.

Basically his partner is creeped out by him and tries unsuccessfully to teach him the tango.

The dance begins with everyone behind paper creating silhouettes and while the profesh couple is dancing I'm starting to feel uncomfortable watching Cheryl & DL's silhouettes together. OH SNAP Y'ALL he ripped the paper and busted out of there like a quarterback.

What if that had failed? I'm just saying it could have. He IS the worst, after all.

In D.L.'s defense there wasn't much hope for him looking identical to a skinny European dancer guy named Sasha. (real name)

Even I can tell D.L.'s feet are not doing what they're supposed to be doing. He's just kind of stomping along and people are clapping to the song for some reason.

I stopped paying attention because I looked at Tweetbot for like one second and ended up camping out there for a minute or two, but spanish guy called it a brave attempt and girl judge said the lack of technique was evident.

Len said they just didn't look identical and D.L. asks if it was the hair that gave it away. Touche, D.L. Touche. If you can't beat 'em, make terrible jokes.

NEXT WEEK PLUG: Oh gosh. It's all Stevie Wonder songs. And he has to be there. RUN AWAY, STEVIE. JUST RUN AWAY. At least he won't have to actually watch them dance. I hope for his sake he is the one singing his songs because this band will butcher them 9 ways to Sunday, whatever that means.

DL gets 6's (sad trombone).

ZENDAYA TIME!

Aw man last week she danced to Love on Top by Beyonce and that song is my jam but OH NO this person should never be allowed to even touch Beyonce songs so I'm kind of glad I missed it.

Her partner admits he has never danced this genre before. GREAT news.

Again, her nails are dangerous. They are neon and they are about 6 inches long and I don't understand why her partner hasn't insisted that she remove them yet. They are dangerously close to his cornea.

The setup to this dance is that the royal jewels are MISSING you guys and we know that because there is a fake newspaper that tells us so. But OH NO Zendaya has them! What's going to happen?

Thank goodness this song is instrumental.

Profesh girl does all these fancy tricks to start off which I think is kind of a jerk move but whatever. Zendaya has to use the jewels as a prop for some reason, which I also think is just something unnecessary she has to keep up with during her dance. I mean doesn't she have enough to worry about without having to pass off a bangle between her and another girl and then put it on without dropping it onto the dance floor and tripping everyone up and creating a pile-up and the worst celebrity dancing accident in history? I'm just saying, it could have happened.

Anyway she does a really cool lift thingy and was awesome as usual.

We get our usual dose of crazy from Bruno: "CATCH ME IF YOU CAN! TAKE ME IF YOU DARE! THE ULTIMATE FEMME FATALE!"

Seriously can someone please taze him?

Len says it was like a lemon tart.

Next week's promo again, this time with neon letters on a SPACE backround. Was this made in powerpoint with wordart?

OH SNAP SHE GOT 10's, y'all. This is UNPRECEDENTED (so far this season).

Man, I thought we were done but Andy Dick still has to go. They really should never save him for last. People are going to start turning off their TV's. The best sketches go before Weekend Update for a reason.

Andy Dick Noooo whyyyy there are ANDY PUPPETS.

"I don't think any comedians have made it this far!"

Shocking.

The profesh male dancer walks in with the deepest V I've ever seen, and I live in Nashville. I mean it seriously doesn't count as wearing a shirt.

"When you think of pasa doble, you don't think of Andy Dick...but you WILL."

Sure, Andy. All those times I think about pasa doble during the day, your name will definitely come to mind.

Why must they insist on acting out scenes before every dance? Oh, p.s., male dancer is wearing a glorified Deep V.

ANDY SWINGS IN ON A ZIP LINE DRESSED LIKE ZORRO.

I have nothing to add to that.

He whips around a shiny cape a lot, that's about it.

Everyone basically just tells him it wasn't good but he's FUN.

RESULTS: D.L. Hughley and Cheryl Burke go home. (Wah wah wah...No one's surprised.)

Who was your favorite? Are you as tired of Andy Dick as I am at this point? Do you support a Sean & Catherine reality show? I'm just saying let's talk about it.

DWTS Recap: The Wasp Face

This week I am in D.C. for my job, but I watched DWTS anyway. Just for YOU. Marvel at my dedication. …oh, and because the hotel I'm staying at doesn't have HGTV. But no matter! The point is, I watched it, okay?

I missed the first like three minutes but I'm thinking since when I turned it on people were just freestyling to that "funk's on rubber" song I didn't miss much.

Basically it's like a sock hop up in here and host lady's 80's hair is CRAY. I mean I know it's prom night theme this week but let's take down the literality a notch okay?

They pan to the audience and Yvette Nicole Brown is there! Yay! I can hear her now just clapping and saying "that's niceee!"

First up, Aly.

She's going to waltz which involves counting 1-2-3, 1-2-3 instead of 1-2-3-4 and counting music is HARD, ok guys? I judge her a little bit for never having known how to count music before but then again I went to a music school and live in Nashville so I could be a biased jerk.

Aly never went to prom because she had to work her fingers to the bone doing backflips and stuff and we're all sad about it. Her coach tries to teach her how to grope.

Before the commercial break everyone is taking staged prom photos in front of a background of silver streamers and could this show be a little more over the top, please? I'm just still a little fuzzy on what the theme is this week.

Back from commercial and there is literally a person dressed as cupid hanging from the ceiling solely to fling a fake arrow at Aly and her partner to start off the dance. Seriously let's add more unnecessary clues for the audience here, I don't think they're getting this is about LOVE and PROM.

Aly does pretty well and it's boring but she looks pretty in lavender.

British judge is NOT IMPRESSED. The crowd erupts in boos but JUST KIDDING it's April Fools you guys! Oh, British Judge. You slay me. Seriously though kill me now.

Lady Judge tells her to be in character and men judges argue with her and I'm hoping they say April Fools again, but they don't.

SIDE NOTE: Why are we being subjected to seeing old prom photos of the hosts? Like anyone even cares about them. Plus girl host looks exactly the same tonight anyway.

They talk about how you can vote 11 times which I think is just to be obnoxious (why not just 10?) and guy host says "You can vote psychically but that's not as effective."

I wish he would stop going off script.

2. Andy Dick. In the montage we find out he apparently doesn't know his own strength and might just rip her hand off when he dances. His coach chastises him for thinking too much to which his response is,

"I HAVE to think or I'm going to rip your head off!…Accidentally…" Nice save.

He yells some more and she stomps out and then it's the next day and Andy's crying again. Guys I can't tell but do you think this is going to be a recurring theme?

The dance opens with him getting a text message superimposed on the screen about being dumped for not being sexy enough which is totally the reason people usually use when they break up with someone via text.

He does some nipple pistols, a dance move I just trademarked the name for, and rips his shirt off and thrusts a lot and I'm not sure why the audience is whooing so loud but they whoo at everything so whatever.

Spanish judge yells REVENGE OF THE NERD super loud and basically just says it's bad but it was entertaining. Girl judge essentially says good job for trying and gives him a backhanded compliment by complimenting his partner and saying he did a good job keeping up. British Judge calls him a sneeze and also says he feels better having watched him, which is weird because I had the complete opposite experience.

3. Inigo Montoya. Inigo's prom was boring as EXPLETIVE so he's going to recreate his dream prom by riding in on a motorcycle which somehow seems sad to me but whatever.

He calls his partner a slut and complains about being too old for this stuff.

They dance to Another One Bites the Dust and he rips his partner's skirt off. This dance seems a little stripper-y to me due to his black wifebeater and black cargo pants and the aforementioned skirt ripping. Again the band butchers a classic, and Inigo just looks very angry the whole time. Probably because the man with the six fingers killed his father.

It literally ends in flames and I'm wondering if his partner is secretly Olivia Newton John.

Lady Judge tells him to fix his core which to me means nothing. Kind of like when Michael Scott starts talking about how that machine strengthens your whole core…your leg core…your back core…

Spanish judge starts yelling stuff about how that was no way to treat a woman and trying to be funny and I hate him.

COMMERCIAL NOTE: Charles Barkley is just as terrible in this hot dog commercial with Alec Baldwin as he was on SNL, and I assume he had several takes to get it right this time.

Back from commercial and oh em gee it's the 50th anniversary of General Hospital! [ABC PLUG] No one cares. He gets 7s.

Some people in shirts with letters on them that spell out "ROMP?" are on stage now with little to no explanation.

4. Desperate Housewife. She was in the bottom two last week so she resorts to taking pictures of her shirtless partner to put on Twitter and get people to vote for them. She says something about it looking desperate which she fails to realize is literally the name of the show she is famous from so I'm not really sure why this is an issue for her.

Her tiny sad puppy in a t-shirt stares at an iPad twice his size which is supposed to mean he's tweeting the picture for her because he has thousands of followers. Which is actually true. Poor Jiggy. He longs for freedom. You can see it in his eyes. I just want to rip that tshirt off him and release him into the wild.

Anyway they do a waltz to a Whitney Houston song and the band once again murders the song pretty savagely. Like it's so bad I can't even focus. I have no idea if the dance was good.

They show a woman in the crowd who I assume is the housewife's daughter since they look like their plastic surgeon used the same mold for their faces.

Spanish judge says it was like she was empress Josephine wafting around blah blah blah is he seriously still talking? But let's not get too carried away, it wasn't THAT good, he says, and people boo.

Gleb talks about how he "got a few marriages proposals." Aw. Poor Gleb. He tries. He does have abs though I guess so he has that going for him. But not his name. Definitely doesn't have that going for him.

They get 7's and the host makes a joke about how easy it is to use Twitter because Jiggy can do it without opposable thumbs. Someone needs to tell this guy comedy isn't for everyone.

5. Kellie Pickler. Kellie inexplicably puts a pickle in a punch bowl in the setup to her montage. I don't know what it means but I assume it was meant to be suggestive.

Kellie calls the jive a "jav" and talks a lot about her partner's wasp face. She pushes the wasp face thing really hard and then it's time to dance.

She's great of course and real talk: I kind of love her dress. She does some splits and some shimmies and unfortunately they are dancing to Footloose which now reminds me of Chase Freedom cards so thanks for that one, Chase Freedom guy who can't actually play the guitar.

"There's nothing loose about that performance! You're sharper than a Samurai sword!" - Spanish Judge. Seriously he is too excitable. He literally cannot talk without standing up.

British guy says they were flying about like a wasp at a picnic. GET IT BECAUSE THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT WASPS BEFORE? Ugh. That's not even a saying.

He crowns her prom queen and Kellie squeals and after they get their A+ they do a weird handshake about potatoes and french fries and sticking them in the fryer and I want to jump out a window.

6. Victor. Spoiler Alert: he didn't go to prom either. Except he wasn't off doing backflips or being a child star, he was a street kid and couldn't afford it. Poor Victor. I actually really like this guy. Again I am a huge fan of his coach. High five for maintaining normalcy in a studio full of yahoos.

They perform to "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" which automatically wins me over because it's just a great song. I dunno, it looks good to me but they do a lot of lifts and I remember last time British Judge was all TOO MUCH LIFTS so I guess they're in danger about that again.

Man, this Spanish judge is a total Standing-O whore. He does it like every single time.

Girl judge says Victor is a dancer now--I guess because he picked up his partner a lot. British judge was pleasantly surprised and said the lifts were good but there wasn't enough good dancing in the middle. (Told you TOO MUCH LIFTS.)

7. D.L. Hughley. He didn't go to prom either because he never graduated high school but what he DID do is charge people $25 to rent him to be their date for prom which is not sketchy at all.

He wears a metallic cape and dances terribly to James Brown. I'm thinking by now his dance style is just thrusting a lot and shuffling back and forth.

"If you're a sex machine, I'm America's Next Top Model." Ya'll, he is BRITISH. So he can't be ANTM even if he wanted to be. That's how strong that metaphor was.

He hated it but basically told him it was adorable that he tried.

Apparently D.L. has trouble moving his hips because every time he's done it in the past he has ended up paying child support, which wasn't super well received as an excuse.

COMMERCIAL NOTE: Penelope Cruz is saying "neth-pretho" all over the place and I can't handle it. Stop trying to make Nespresso happen, Cruz. It's not going to happen.

8. Jacoby Jones. He got kicked out of prom for pranks and then it gets all heavy because Katrina took his school and he's doing this dance for them.

They do a Rumba which I always kind of thought was like what dancers at Ricky Ricardo's club would do but apparently it's like overtly sexual so I was way off.

Jacoby has trouble being serious, which I appreciate, but then in the performance he totally pulls it off. He looks all dancer-y because he's not wearing a shirt and wearing black pants and they're dancing to Rihanna's sad song.

They love it and spanish guy uses the term volcano-bic which is not really a word and says "JACK-O-BEE" so you know he's really excited and everyone says it was good.

AW MAN I forgot Wynnona was here but they show her doing slow motion sexual movements up on her partner as a preview of what's to come.

Back to Jacoby and the 80's host asks him how much hurricane Katrina affected him. UGH these questions are as vague and obvious as every halftime interview ever done. "Uh so how important do you think scoring is in the next half?" GAH.

9. Wynnona Judd. Apparently her goal this week is to make the spanish judge growl and unleash her inner tigress.

SIGH. This will not end well.

OH NO. I see pole dancing. THERE IS POLE DANCING. WHYYYYYYY.

"I don't wanna look like I'm goin' in the woods." Well, Wynonna, either way I'm not really thrilled.

It's just as traumatic as you'd expect it to be and then the rest of the dance is super robotic and slow. It's kind of like she's just shifting back and forth and her partner is like dancing all around her like a mad man in comparison trying to make her look good when really he's just making her look worse by comparison.

"You're like Mount Rushmore!" says British Judge. (WHAT. Did he just call her fat?) "You look fantastic but you don't move!" Oh okay.

COMMERCIAL NOTE: Cheryl Burke (dancer on DWTS) tries on Depends for charity. I don't even…why, Cheryl, why?

Back from commercial and Wynnona talks about how amazing it is that Dorothy Hamil has managed to come sit in the audience which I mean I'm not saying her cyst isn't a big deal but can't anyone sit in an audience? I'm asking.

10. Sean Lowe. OH GOSH 2002 prom Sean has vampire hair.

His perspective is that dancing to YMCA is going to be great because everyone knows it, but I think he's forgetting that everyone also hates it. His partner says he's awkward (shocker) but he works super hard.

They interview him and he's super charming and I kind of miss him still.

OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS HE IS GIVING HIS PARTNER A ROSE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS IS HAPPENING.

I fear for what this dance is going to be.

There are three other people on the stage and they are all dressed like the village people.

He's not very good but bless him, he's trying. He kind of looks like a chippendale dancer on account of his overalls and wifebeater and hardhat.

But hey Catherine looks pretty!

Basically they say he has enthusiasm and isn't very good but this is his best dance yet and Spanish judge says he has shelves for Sean to come fix and acts suggestive and makes everyone uncomfortable.

Girl judge says spanish judge was the only thing missing from the routine which spanish judge of course takes as an excuse to get out from behind the desk and go after Sean.

He gets 7's which I think is probably pretty generous.

11. Zendaya. She hasn't been to prom because she is 16 so she is recreating moments from her grandma's prom because she has breast cancer which is pretty sweet.

Her nails are like 8 inches long and I'm hoping she cuts them before she gauges out her partner's eye.

They start out the dance in a fake gondola and then do a pretty dance in fake moonlight and of course it's great.

DWTS RESULTS: Wynnona Judd is eliminated. I mean ok she was terrible but she was providing half my material. Sigh.

Did anyone else endure Wynnona's pole dancing? Please tell me I wasn't alone.