Vin Diesel Stars in The Most Awkward Video of All Time

One of the presents the Internet gave us all for Valentine's Day last week is this video of Vin Diesel singing Rihanna's woe-is-me-I-still-date-Chris-Brown-out-of-pure-defiance song, "Stay."

Because the Internet is a nonsensical place, I'm overlooking the mere fact that this video exists (and was posted--on purpose-- by Vin himself) and moving on to analyzing it.

I maintain that even with all the bad vlogging and the Harlem Shaking and the amateur music videos floating around on YouTube, this uncomfortable performance might still be a lead contender for Most Awkward Video of All Time.

First of all, he's standing alone in the corner of what appears to be some sort of hotel ballroom or private dining area at an Italian restaurant where I can only assume he has brought and set up his own projector and PA system just to perform this drag of a song for whatever ragtag group he's assembled there.

Second of all, he sounds like a super villain lamenting mid-movie soliloquy-style, where he is either about to have a change of heart or sink even deeper into his despair-driven evil ways. It's like he's some kind of sinister Jean Val Jean with a really, really fat frog in his throat.

I want to know for whom he is performing in this video.

Is it a secret supervillain society board meeting? Or is he just showing off for his extended family? Or did he rent this room solely to make this video and there is actually no audience at all?

Moving on, we soon get a taste of Vin Diesel's falsetto. Oh, the falsetto. Who told Vin Diesel it was a good idea to sing Rihanna in his head voice?

You may also notice that in addition to singing like a small child, he is doing so on top of the existing Rihanna track. You're seriously telling me he couldn't afford to splurge on the karaoke version or get a friend who knows audio engineering to take out the vocals for him?

I mean, honestly Vin. Go big or go home, I say.

Finally, he refers to Valentine's Day as V-Day. Verbally. I refuse to accept that. You've already wasted three minutes of our lives with the rest of this mockery, what's one more second to say "alentine's"? Were you trying to maintain some loosely-defined street cred? Because I think you've gone too far into the red on that to have any hope of breaking even by 2014.

I just don't know what he was trying to accomplish with this. Women are not impressed. Men are simply offended. Who was he trying to win over? Rihanna fans? (I don't know where they are, but I assume they still exist.) If I were one, I'd have probably just yelled at you to shut up and let the Rihanna sing.

The video has now been removed by the user (shocking), so I guess he actually watched it back at some point. I suppose he'll just have to go back to filming whatever Fast & Furious movie they're on now. 8, I wanna say? If they'll have him. Godspeed, Vin Diesel. Godspeed.

What's the most awkward YouTube video you've seen? (put a link in the comments so we can all be uncomfortable together)

Chris Brown and Rihanna's Instagram Crazy Parade

Apparently Chris Brown and Rihanna are causing QUITE the stir via Instagram lately. And as everyone knows, an Instagram is worth 1,000 words. Or at least a few misguided assumptions. Or beat poetry. As if Chris Brown wasn't the worst already (rivaled only by America's favorite trainwreck Lindsay Lohan), this is his latest escapade:

First, he lands himself in a Twitter feud (something I'm still only 1 percent convinced is a legitimate term) with some comedian lady and is just SO offended by the whole thing that he straight up quits Twitter altogether.

He then makes his return to social media with A VENGEANCE.

How, you ask? By posting controversial pictures of him and Rihanna on Instagram…together.

SCANDAL. INTRIGUE. ICK-FACTOR.

Everything a good publicity stunt needs.

In case you might feel uncomfortable seeing Rihanna wearing underwear paired with an oversized camo jacket while Chris Brown smokes nonchalantly in the foreground, I present you with an artist rendering of the most recent photo (by yours truly):

The "we don't care what nunna y'all think!" look on their faces says it all, doesn't it?

Click here to see the actual photo. 

(Full disclosure, if it provides any context for you, I watch Disney movies almost exclusively and the actual image didn't scar me for life. So you can probably handle it. But this is a family blog, right? Can't take any chances.)

I want to know who is TAKING these pictures. These are no myspace mirror shots, my friend. These are full-frame, planned, two-person shots with nary an arm jetting out of the frame in sight.

First of all, gross.

Second of all, would that not be the most awkward experience on the planet?

"Um, yeah, so just…look seductively at the iPhone…yup, that's fine I guess…and Chris, well, just…yep, that's douchey enough. Just keep doin' what you're doin'. Hold that pose…"

My hope is that this is all just performance art and everything that has happened with these two since approximately 2008 has all been a joke. All part of the master plan.

I don't think Chris is capable of that kind of strategic thinking, but Rihanna has to know what she's doing, right? Why else would she be putting up with this nonsense?

I think we've waited a respectable amount of time before sending in the professionals, but it's time to get Oprah in there and talk some sense into these yahoos. You know she's got opinions, right? Let her loose.

If she's busy, call Ellen. She always asks the hard questions. Maybe they'd all dance together to Crazy In Love and have a moment of clarity about where their lives are headed. Maybe they'd play a game where they had to carry balloons between their chin and their chest. I don't know; I'm not the expert mediator slash child-star-maker here. I can't do all the work.

Oh, and by the way, in the name of closure, Chris has restored his Twitter account. Which makes the hiatus about 36 seconds long. So if you were upset that you might not ever get the chance to feud with him publicly in 140-character-long arguments, never fear. That hope has been renewed.

If you could tell Rihanna (or Chris Brown) anything in light of this situation, what would it be? Who do you think would make a better mediator: Oprah or Ellen?

Dear Chris Brown: That's Enough Out of You.

Okay, Chris Brown, I've had all I can stand, and I can't stand no more! (I'm waving my fist in the air for emphasis.)

You have officially had your three strikes. Even though, unlike most people, your strikes actually descended in terms of severity, they still count, and I'm done.

STRIKE ONE. [February 2009] Rihanna. Even though she's gotten progressively more promiscuous, peaked with "Umbrella," and I don't think she can hold her own in a motion picture, no woman deserves to be treated the way you treated her. And sure, not all celebrities are stand-up citizens. I get that. But your inexcusable actions were not only in the public eye, but directed towards another public figure beloved by the American people. NOT OKAY.

Somehow you seem to have laid low long enough that the Powers That Be in pop music have let you slide back into mainstream music and awards show numbers in which you pretty much just move your mouth whilst popping and locking in sync with about 20 other people dressed in white. And also throw in some acrobatics and giant LED walls, leaving us with some temporary blindness and confusion about what just happened.

Well, not me, Chris Brown, not me. Rihanna may have forgiven you--as evidenced by her collaboration with you on an overtly offensive song I'm too afraid to actually listen to--but I haven't. And I'm not really sure who else has. Besides, apparently, radio DJ's and whoever books the Grammy's.

STRIKE TWO. [March 2011] You erupted in a fit of rage on the set of Good Morning America, just because they asked you about the aforementioned Strike One, which resulted in some chair-throwing and window-shattering and shirt-removing. This is GOOD MORNING AMERICA, Chris. You were interviewed by someone with the name Robin Roberts. You weren't exactly in the hot seat.

And what did you expect? You beat up Rihanna. You can't just expect to come waltzing in there with your dumb earrings and the white pants you're not pulling off and expect us to just NOT mention it. It's the elephant in the room. If the elephant had sat on Rihanna.

Don't publicists train celebrities to respond to questions like that with rambling nothingness such as, "Y'know, uh, what happened was really unfortunate and I wish I could take it back, but uh, I just hope we can move on and live in a more positive way...and bee tee dubs my album drops on April 20."

Where was THAT, Chris Brown?

Plus, there is no place for outbursts that early in the morning. There just isn't.

STRIKE THREE. [March 2012] 

First of all, the headline of this article reads: "Brown Probe Nears End."

I think there's probably an immature joke in there somewhere, I'm just not sure what it is yet.

Second of all, really, Chris Brown? You're so angry that you're a celebrity that you have to snatch innocent non-paparazzi's phones just for trying to take a picture of you?

I mean, really.

If you want to be famous, you have to deal with people looking at you all the time and knowing when you beat people up. You just do. You can't be all like "UGH I'M SO FAMOUS I WISH PEOPLE WOULD JUST FORGET ABOUT THAT TIME I BEAT UP SOMEONE ELSE FAMOUS AND NEVER TAKE PICTURES OF ME OR MAKE ME SING ANYTHING REAL BUT STILL LET ME BE ON THE RADIO AND MAKE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. UGH."

AMERICA: Why do we keep letting him do stuff? At what point can we just take a vote and excommunicate him from the pop culture community, along with Spencer Pratt and Kristen Stewart? He is the worst.

Am I alone here?

What's your vote: keep him or kick him to the curb?