We Might Be Rid of Chris Brown Forever (Ev-Ev-Ever)

Step away from the puppy, Chris Brown.

YOU GUYS. Rejoice with me.

This could be it.

You know how in the future we'll be all like, "hey remember the last time you saw Chris Brown?" and the other person will be like "Y'know, I don't! It's been so long...when was that...2013?"

THIS IS THAT TIME.

And praise the Lord for that. After much long-suffering on the public's part - watching through weekly run-ins with the boys in blue, Twitter battles, assault charges, and terrible music to boot - I think we deserve a break.

In fact I think we've deserved a break for a long time. Ever since I wrote this post in APRIL OF 2012 asking him to reign it in. Or at least stop throwing stuff.

The day might be finally glittering on the horizon, like a Hawaiian sunset of peace and joy and happiness that simultanously silences a psychotic rapper.

That's the dream.

That one day Chris Brown will just be that guy who hurt Rihanna (how dare he) and nothing more.

His tweets (via Huffington Post, not my Twitter feed, to be clear) indicate that he will probably hang up his wifebeater after his next studio album, "X," which comes out Aug. 20.

He goes on to say that this is because he is tired of being known for a "mistake" he made when he was 18.

I get it. It kind of sucks for you. But how about thinking twice before beating up a woman, okay? And think three times before doing it to a famous woman. And think four times to realize that you, too, are famous and are in a highly-publicised relationship and OF COURSE it will ruin your life.

Also it's not just the Rihanna incident. It's the endless parade of crazytown that the Rihanna incident launched. It's the chair-throwing. It's the fits of rage. It's the "altercation" after "altercation." NO. Just NO.

Plus you did that in 2009, okay? 2009 was not that long ago. Four years. So yes, you made a mistake when you were 18, but you are now only 22, ok? Also being 18 is not an excuse. Look at the world. Millions of 18 year olds NOT beating people up. Sure there are a few that probably are, but the overwhelming majority is NOT getting arrested for giving Rihanna a black eye, okay? So don't act like this is just some phase 18 year olds go through. NEWSFLASH: It's not.

While we're at it, same goes to you, Biebs. Just because I will continue to root for you and hope you turn your own personal crazytrain around does not mean I will stand for your behavior and the fact that it gets written off as you just "being 19." NO. Again, SEVERAL 19 year olds are walking around every day, NOT peeing in buckets. I'm just saying.

[RECORD SCRATCH] Update, 9:16 a.m.: I just did the math (and went to Wikipedia) and he is most definitely 24. And this most definitely happened in 2009. YOU WERE NOT EVEN 18. So on top of everything else, he's a liar. In case you were wondering.

So in conclusion, Chris Brown, it's been fun (not really), but get on up outta here. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Do you think he has a point or do you think he needs to leave us alone already? Who else do you think should throw in the towel?

Playing Catch Up

So, guys, I have a confession to make. I didn't write a post for today.

I know, I know. I'm the worst.

But I have this whole day job thing and it's been quite busy lately and I literally didn't have time.

So tomorrow I will make it up to you by writing the best post you've ever read in your life. Or, y'know, ramblings about something I saw on the Internet. It could go either way.

But until then, please enjoy my recaps of Dancing with the Stars from the last two weeks over at Xtra Bacon if you haven't already:

Xtra Bacon's First (And Probably Last) DWTS Recap

DWTS Recap: Razzle Dazzle and Razz-a-mataz

And if you have, please enjoy some of my older posts that I still kind of like:

The Legend of Furby

Falling Apart When Your Bible Isn't

The Ballad of Spencer Pratt (With Actual Rhymes)

Five Reasons 3D Makes Me Hate My Life For 3 Hours

Dear Chris Brown: That's Enough Out of You 

Thank you for your understanding, and may your day be free of Rihanna songs.

Chris Brown and Rihanna's Instagram Crazy Parade

Apparently Chris Brown and Rihanna are causing QUITE the stir via Instagram lately. And as everyone knows, an Instagram is worth 1,000 words. Or at least a few misguided assumptions. Or beat poetry. As if Chris Brown wasn't the worst already (rivaled only by America's favorite trainwreck Lindsay Lohan), this is his latest escapade:

First, he lands himself in a Twitter feud (something I'm still only 1 percent convinced is a legitimate term) with some comedian lady and is just SO offended by the whole thing that he straight up quits Twitter altogether.

He then makes his return to social media with A VENGEANCE.

How, you ask? By posting controversial pictures of him and Rihanna on Instagram…together.

SCANDAL. INTRIGUE. ICK-FACTOR.

Everything a good publicity stunt needs.

In case you might feel uncomfortable seeing Rihanna wearing underwear paired with an oversized camo jacket while Chris Brown smokes nonchalantly in the foreground, I present you with an artist rendering of the most recent photo (by yours truly):

The "we don't care what nunna y'all think!" look on their faces says it all, doesn't it?

Click here to see the actual photo. 

(Full disclosure, if it provides any context for you, I watch Disney movies almost exclusively and the actual image didn't scar me for life. So you can probably handle it. But this is a family blog, right? Can't take any chances.)

I want to know who is TAKING these pictures. These are no myspace mirror shots, my friend. These are full-frame, planned, two-person shots with nary an arm jetting out of the frame in sight.

First of all, gross.

Second of all, would that not be the most awkward experience on the planet?

"Um, yeah, so just…look seductively at the iPhone…yup, that's fine I guess…and Chris, well, just…yep, that's douchey enough. Just keep doin' what you're doin'. Hold that pose…"

My hope is that this is all just performance art and everything that has happened with these two since approximately 2008 has all been a joke. All part of the master plan.

I don't think Chris is capable of that kind of strategic thinking, but Rihanna has to know what she's doing, right? Why else would she be putting up with this nonsense?

I think we've waited a respectable amount of time before sending in the professionals, but it's time to get Oprah in there and talk some sense into these yahoos. You know she's got opinions, right? Let her loose.

If she's busy, call Ellen. She always asks the hard questions. Maybe they'd all dance together to Crazy In Love and have a moment of clarity about where their lives are headed. Maybe they'd play a game where they had to carry balloons between their chin and their chest. I don't know; I'm not the expert mediator slash child-star-maker here. I can't do all the work.

Oh, and by the way, in the name of closure, Chris has restored his Twitter account. Which makes the hiatus about 36 seconds long. So if you were upset that you might not ever get the chance to feud with him publicly in 140-character-long arguments, never fear. That hope has been renewed.

If you could tell Rihanna (or Chris Brown) anything in light of this situation, what would it be? Who do you think would make a better mediator: Oprah or Ellen?

Dear Chris Brown: That's Enough Out of You.

Okay, Chris Brown, I've had all I can stand, and I can't stand no more! (I'm waving my fist in the air for emphasis.)

You have officially had your three strikes. Even though, unlike most people, your strikes actually descended in terms of severity, they still count, and I'm done.

STRIKE ONE. [February 2009] Rihanna. Even though she's gotten progressively more promiscuous, peaked with "Umbrella," and I don't think she can hold her own in a motion picture, no woman deserves to be treated the way you treated her. And sure, not all celebrities are stand-up citizens. I get that. But your inexcusable actions were not only in the public eye, but directed towards another public figure beloved by the American people. NOT OKAY.

Somehow you seem to have laid low long enough that the Powers That Be in pop music have let you slide back into mainstream music and awards show numbers in which you pretty much just move your mouth whilst popping and locking in sync with about 20 other people dressed in white. And also throw in some acrobatics and giant LED walls, leaving us with some temporary blindness and confusion about what just happened.

Well, not me, Chris Brown, not me. Rihanna may have forgiven you--as evidenced by her collaboration with you on an overtly offensive song I'm too afraid to actually listen to--but I haven't. And I'm not really sure who else has. Besides, apparently, radio DJ's and whoever books the Grammy's.

STRIKE TWO. [March 2011] You erupted in a fit of rage on the set of Good Morning America, just because they asked you about the aforementioned Strike One, which resulted in some chair-throwing and window-shattering and shirt-removing. This is GOOD MORNING AMERICA, Chris. You were interviewed by someone with the name Robin Roberts. You weren't exactly in the hot seat.

And what did you expect? You beat up Rihanna. You can't just expect to come waltzing in there with your dumb earrings and the white pants you're not pulling off and expect us to just NOT mention it. It's the elephant in the room. If the elephant had sat on Rihanna.

Don't publicists train celebrities to respond to questions like that with rambling nothingness such as, "Y'know, uh, what happened was really unfortunate and I wish I could take it back, but uh, I just hope we can move on and live in a more positive way...and bee tee dubs my album drops on April 20."

Where was THAT, Chris Brown?

Plus, there is no place for outbursts that early in the morning. There just isn't.

STRIKE THREE. [March 2012] 

First of all, the headline of this article reads: "Brown Probe Nears End."

I think there's probably an immature joke in there somewhere, I'm just not sure what it is yet.

Second of all, really, Chris Brown? You're so angry that you're a celebrity that you have to snatch innocent non-paparazzi's phones just for trying to take a picture of you?

I mean, really.

If you want to be famous, you have to deal with people looking at you all the time and knowing when you beat people up. You just do. You can't be all like "UGH I'M SO FAMOUS I WISH PEOPLE WOULD JUST FORGET ABOUT THAT TIME I BEAT UP SOMEONE ELSE FAMOUS AND NEVER TAKE PICTURES OF ME OR MAKE ME SING ANYTHING REAL BUT STILL LET ME BE ON THE RADIO AND MAKE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. UGH."

AMERICA: Why do we keep letting him do stuff? At what point can we just take a vote and excommunicate him from the pop culture community, along with Spencer Pratt and Kristen Stewart? He is the worst.

Am I alone here?

What's your vote: keep him or kick him to the curb?