Girl Meets World: Something Everyone Can Agree On

We 18-35-year-olds love our 90's nostalgia. So much in fact that there is now a market for anyone wishing to capitalize on that nostalgia. That capitalization starts now.

You have probably heard by now that Disney has signed on to do a pilot of a Boy Meets World spin-off (and all the land rejoiced). It's going to focus on Cory and Topanga's daughter and be titled...wait for it...Girl Meets World.

What has amazed me so far is the total lack of cynicism surrounding this news.

Usually people weigh the pros and cons when they catch wind of a revamped movie, spin-off or book-turned-movie. They consider how it could be great, but mostly how it could be terrible and destroy the integrity of everything that came before it.

I consider myself an optimist and a lover of all things warm and fuzzy, so I of course ignored the (very) tiny voice in my head that said this could be a train wreck and embraced it with open arms. But the fantastic, however illogical, thing is...so has everyone else. At least in my circle of entertainment news sources and Facebook.

EW's headline was literally: "'Boy Meets World' Disney spinoff: Great idea or the best idea?"

Preach.

No one is remotely concerned that "Girl Meets World" could actually be awful or, for that matter, even wants to entertain that idea. Because this is happening, you guys, and that's really all we could want out of life, you know? Especially with Ben Savage and Danielle Fischel on board. We're just excited at the mere possibility of this being a thing. Even Perez Hilton is pumped.

If it were any other genre or a less-beloved 90's sitcom, this would never work. There would always be someone to oppose it. But Boy Meets World is the pinnacle of all things wonderful about 90's television. It is wholly and unadulteratedly adored by anyone who grew up in the 90's.

And we are running towards it with all our might.

After all, today is election day. And I think it's important to remember that amid our devisiveness, there's something we can all agree on: a Boy Meets World is the greatest.

What character do you most hope reprises their role in the new series?

What Anna Kendrick's Terrible Oscars Experience Taught Me

One of my new favorite things is listening to podcasts while I work out. It's the perfect ratio of distraction to concentration. Enough distraction to keep my mind off the fact that I'm exercising, but it doesn't require enough concentration that I can't do both at the same time.

As part of this endeavor I have discovered Nerdist podcasts. If you're at all interested in the entertainment industry or like basically any famous actor/actress and don't mind an F-bomb here or there, I highly recommend them. They're essentially Chris Hardwick's interviews with super interesting people.

My favorites so far have been Neil Patrick Harris, Tina Fey and Anna Kendrick (not together, though that would probably be awesome).

I adore NPH and Tina Fey, so those were no surprise, but after seeing Pitch Perfect I decided I really like Anna Kendrick and listened to the interview with her.

The result was me wanting to be her best friend.

Anna Kendrick is another person who somehow manages to be only 23 but winning at life. (Others in this category include Jessie J and Emma Stone.)

She was in Twilight I think, but she's not ashamed of it, nor is it really her claim to fame. The more I listened to her, the more I liked her. She has a great head on her shoulders and I think she's a very insightful person.

What I thought was interesting was that she made a couple of points I found to be so true of our social experience as human beings, at least for me. I like that even though she is somewhat in the public eye, these ideas don't change just because you have been thrust into a spotlight.

One of these points started with a story she told about going to the Oscars.

She said it was wildly uncomfortable and she felt terrible the entire time. She's wearing a dress she can't breathe in, she's sweating up a storm, she's anxious about whether or not she'll win, she's around all these celebrities she admires---it's a totally nerve wracking experience and not fun at all.

But everyone is shoving microphones in your face asking the same question: "Isn't this the best night of your life?"

She says, essentially everyone is telling you, this is as good as it gets, so you'd better enjoy it. And she's thinking, really? this is as good as it gets? This sucks! She adds that if she were listening to the podcast I'd be like "F--- you"...but it's true. [She later said that the part that actually is as good as it gets is the acting and filming...even though she says she probably sounds like a jerk saying that, too.]

I so identify with this--the feeling that this particular experience is supposed to be something: your wedding day, your college career, Valentine's Day. And if it's not what you think it's supposed to be, you feel guilty or like you're missing out, rather than just enjoying it for what it is--even if it's not the best day of your life.

I love that she pointed this out. Because it's okay if your experience isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's ok if your Valentine's Day or prom date isn't the most magical night of your life or if your four years of college actually aren't the best of your life. Those are stereotypes.

And you feel bad for thinking, "this sucks," because someone out there doesn't have a Valentine's Day date or get to go to college. But you know what, sometimes things just suck. And that's okay. I mean, you don't have to whine about it to everyone you meet, but it's okay for it not to be what it's supposed to be.

I like that Anna didn't say what she is expected to say--that the Oscars were the best night of her life--even though it may come off as ungrateful or rude.

I don't think it's rude. It's just honesty about the way she felt. I'm not a proponent of honesty for honesty's sake. For example adding detail to a story that, though true, is unnecessary in order to get the point across and simply hurts a person further. But I think in this case, though it may not be P.C., it was totally worth being honest.

I love Chris Hardwick's response to her vocalizing that she felt like a douche saying these things. It was essentially, "But, of course you felt that way, you're a person!"

You're a person. It's okay.

Have you ever had an expereince that wasn't all it was supposed to be?

Botanists Name Fern After Lady Gaga

It's what every girl dreams of, really. When we're six years old, we sit on our tufted window seat (all great reveries involve window seats), gaze through the raindrops trickling down the glass panes and sigh, "one day, my prince will come…and I'll be so famous a fern will be named after me." Seriously, is there any higher honor in all the world?

Having stars named after you is for amateurs. Anyone can do that. But a fern? That stuff's real.

I wrote that romanticized introduction to tell you that botanists have named a fern after Lady Gaga.

Their explanation for this nonsense was 1) that this fern, like Lady Gaga, is gender-ambiguous or something and 2) it has a DNA sequence that spells out GAGA. So logically naming it after someone who got prosthetic horns on her cheeks was the next step in this process.

Not only am I surprised that botanists know who Lady Gaga is, but I am also concerned as to what this means for the scientific community and the rest of society.

CONCERNS AND/OR QUESTIONS:

1. In the future, are botanists going to have to reference Lady Gaga in a lab somewhere, long after she is remotely relevant? "Um, yes, that's the rare Lady Gaga. It first appeared in 2012, marking the first signs of the rapid decline of any remaining integrity in the field of science, and has been thriving in the pot next to the Cee Lo ever since." [SIDE NOTE: Also already in the mix are Soulja Boy Tell 'Ems and Ludacrises, named by none other than Tom Haverford in Season 2 of Parks and Rec.]
2. School children will be sitting in their hover-chairs watching a hologram and learning about these green things that used to grow (has no one seen Wall-E?) and be forced to ask who Lady Gaga was. Who wants to be the one to explain that?
3. Was this a totally rash decision? Will these botanists be excommunicated from the rest of the botanical community due to the fact that they ventured too far into popular culture, playing to the least common denominator? OR will they be hailed as heroes for getting botany back in the news? (Really, it's been too long, am I right?)
4. I feel like if you're going to name a plant after Lady Gaga it's got to be loud and colorful and oddly shaped. A fern? Really? Those sad-looking (because they hang down) plain old plants that hang on porches across suburbia? Ask one million people what their favorite plant is and you'll get a million answers. Almost certainly none of them will be "fern."
5. If you want a plant to be awesome, throw caution to the wind and just name it Beyonce. That thing will survive. I guarantee at least 13 percent of 6th graders will change what they want to be when they grow up immediately. And maybe you could even cross-pollenate with a Jay-Z plant (which you'd have to add if you're going to do this) and create (wait for it...) BLUE IVY. HEYO! I should totally be a botanist. Or just a plant-namer.

So…like, what happens now? They just go on calling this plant Gaga or they say "jay kay jay kay you guys, that was good for the news story but let's go back to calling it oeaihfdsoahfoashguiasdfpjo [unintelligible]."

I suppose only time will tell. I for one am going to track down a botanist (because I know zero) in about six months and see if they still know what I'm talking about.

Who do you wish they would name a plant after?

P.S. Today is my husband's and my 2nd anniversary!! He is the best and I'm so glad I married him. Just had to let everyone know. Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Making Fun of Hipsters Has Gone Mainstream

I have some news, you guys.

It's the latest installment of my probably-inconsequential observations about the human experience. At least for today.

I don't know if you've noticed this too, but there's a trend growing in them there hills, and it's spreading like wildfire:

Making fun of hipsters.

For a while, I think the majority of America didn't have access to hipsterdom. But it's not their fault. Until recently, the radio didn't play bands like Of Monsters and Men or Gotye or Bon Iver. Thick-rimmed glasses didn't really see the light of suburbia. But I think because hipster culture is being pushed into the spotlight (I say pushed because I imagine it is unwelcome), the masses are more and more aware of it.

I think knowing about hipster culture and subsequently mocking it is the new referencing-Facebook-in-real-life.

What I mean by that is, we used to reference Facebook in casual conversation as a way to note that we were in on The Latest Thing. This was before Facebook just let any yahoo with an email address sign up. No, no. These were the good ol' days, when Facebook was just for college students and app invites and timelines didn't exist. Remember Mini-Feeds? Remember our outrage? Sigh. If there was a Facebook Purist Party represented in this election, I would totally vote in favor of that person.

Anyway. Back in, say, 2007, we bashfully-but-secretly-cleverly threw out phrases like, "tag me!" and "wrote on my Facebook wall" both to ensure we got a copy of that picture from the party and to demonstrate the fact that we were ON FACEBOOK you guys.

Now Facebook is so engrained in our culture it's no longer clever to refer to it.

So I propose that mocking hipster culture is now serving that purpose.

It made an appearance in Taylor Swift's new song. I've seen "hipster" be a party theme multiple times via Facebook photos. It's woven throughout my news feed in the form of jokes.* It's all over Stuff Christians Like (sorry Jon. I'm not complaining, but it's true.). And you know when something has permeated Christian pop culture (it's a thing), it is officially behind the cool kid curve.

I'm not really sure what my point to this is other than to recognize that this is happening.

Though I will say that lately my definition of a hipster has gotten a little hazy. I feel like it's probably not hipster to be a cliche hipster, which now exists thanks to all the reasons I've mentioned above (Includes, but not limited to: fixed gear bicycles, holga cameras, thick-rimmed glasses, vintage clothes, ironic mustaches, vinyl records, suspenders). So what is a true hipster? Are all stylish 20-somethings in Nashville hipsters? Is my view totally skewed because I live in Nashville? I wear lots of v-necks and unnecessary scarves. Am I a hipster? This is getting super meta and existential and I think I need to get out while I can.

Have you noticed this trend? Where have you seen it play out?

*Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool. HEYO.

What Kate Gosselin Has Been Doing With Her Time

Kate Gosselin (remember her?) is apparently not only still getting work, but still being terrible at it.

I literally laughed out loud when I read this headline:

Kate Gosselin fired from blogging job

Not just any blogging job. A blogging job on a coupon website.

Really? Really, Kate? Blogging is something literally anyone with an internet connection and the ability to string remotely coherent sentences together can do. And yet, here you are.

I've looked into this for nearly a full 30 minutes now, and it seems that she provided tips to the couponing community over at CouponCabin.com.  And those couponers were NOT having it. Any of it. Nearly every comment I saw on her recent posts were berating her for horrible ideas or getting in arguments with other couponers.

Lesson learned: do NOT upset the couponers. They are a very organized group with a lot of passion and apparently expendable time on their hands.

I'm not really sure what CouponCabin's angle was by hiring her in the first place. She only started 11 months ago. She has been the suburban soccer-mom version of Snooki since about 2008. They had plenty of time to see her terribleness play out before this happened. Who were they hoping to win over?

Apparently there were no focus groups during the "research" phase of this marketing strategy.

I do have to hand it to the couponers for forming a virtual angry mob every time she posted, though. The only enjoyable parts of those "articles" were seeing photos of her kids grown up (they are adorable, and they shouldn't be punished for their parents' combined awfulness). Most of it was kind of like watching Lucille Bluth try to figure out how much to pay for a banana except less amusing.

One of her tips was essentially, "have a pool." It saves money on entertainment. Oh, Kate. That's adorable. Not a money-saving tip. Not even a little bit.

Well, no worries. This just frees her up to spend more time hosting cruises. Because she did that, too. Are these companies just hemorrhaging extra money or something? Why else would they let this happen?

Really though, I loved those Gosselin kids. I wish Kate would just shut up, go back to being a nurse (I think that's what she did) and take care of them.

Would you ever take a cruise if you knew Kate Gosselin was hosting it? Why or why not?

Lindsay Lohan: Setting the Bar Lower With Each Passing Day

Alright.

Alright, alright, alright.

This has got to stop.

Literally every week of my life lately there is a new entertainment news story about some nonsense Lindsay Lohan has gotten herself into, and I am one hundred percent over it.

If she's going for shock value, she's ruined it for herself simply by the pure number of incidents she has been linked to in the past six weeks.

Let's review the ridiculous behavior we have seen permeate the internet in just that short amount of time:

1. August 28: Suspect in a burglary 
2. August 30: Ruining a priceless antique movie trailer that didn't belong to her
3. September 21: Charged with a hit & run/leaving the scene of an accident
4. September 30: Hotel "Scuffle" 
5. October 9: "Altercation" with her mother involving a $40k loan and cocaine accusations [Side note: don't you love how classless fights are always called 'altercations' to make them sound less ghetto? See: Chris Brown]

I mean, I kind of want to be impressed. I imagine it's hard to be that much of a trainwreck without trying just a little bit. But you know what? I don't think she tries at all. She just really is The Worst Ever Of All Time, and she just bumbles through life existing as such. Kind of like a drunk elephant trying to navigate a megachurch mid-service.

By now, she's clearly reached the point of no return. When someone says "Lindsay Lohan," no one on the planet is going to associate it with anything worthwhile. At least Snooki has a somewhat cute baby and an SNL weekend update parody going for her. Someone on the face of the earth might consider her a respectable human being. Lohan, not so much.

It almost makes me wish Tina Fey would just expunge Lindsay's existence from Mean Girls because she doesn't deserve it anymore. Like the NCAA does with championship titles. Just take it away from her. That movie is gold, and Lindsay is by far the weakest link in it. The movie is quite possibly the most successful thing she's done, and she is ruining it more day after day. Just recast her and refilm the whole thing. Or use photoshop. Y'know, whatever. Like anyone would even be mad.

Get out of here, Lindsay. Just…just go.

This is what's called tough love. We're kicking you out of being a person. You can come back when you learn to behave yourself even just a little tiny bit. That's all we ask. Behave yourself, like, a Lady Gaga amount. That is not a high bar. She puked on stage and regularly shows us too much of her body, and I still think she has more class than you.

So all that to say, get it together, Lindsay. We're exhausted just from reading your headlines and your statements saying you just really want to focus on your work COUGHinalifetimemovieCOUGH.

Who do you think should replace Lindsay in Mean Girls? I vote Emma Stone. Because she is the anti-Lohan. Meaning she is The Best Ever Of All Time.

SkyMall Highlights, October 2012 Edition

I've come to the conclusion that the target market of SkyMall magazine is this very specific demographic: people who have no hair, pets they want no interaction with whatsoever, and bad posture.

This bald hunchback looking for a way get out of feeding his cat is gonna get hooked UP.

SkyMall is one of the best parts about flying, am I right?

I think they just keep producing them solely for entertainment purposes and make their money on ads rather than actually selling anything. They're there in case you run out of time to go by Houston News on the way to your gate and therefore can't catch up on your celebrity gossip. That has to be how they stay afloat. Not actual sales of this nonsense. And even then they must only break even given the cost of printing and distribution.

I mean, who looks at SkyMall and is like, yes, I need to make that call as soon as I am allowed to turn back on my approved cellular device when we land? Even if you did want something you saw, you'd just go google it and probably find it on Amazon for cheaper with free shipping.

Additional question: is it a required trait that anything in Skymall must look ridiculous when worn and/or used? I submit that it most definitely is.

Anyway, in light of my recent trip to Pennsylvania and the gems I found in the current edition of the illustrious SkyMall, I thought I'd do a review of sorts, in case you don't have the privilege of flying any time in the near future.

Grow what looks like a flesh-eating fungus in your very own house--with your kids! It almost definitely won't overtake your home and family while you sleep.

Number one thing husbands and wives do not do happily together: wear posture correctors and like it. At best this would be something a husband did in order to shut up his nagging wife, and really, who wants to be that couple? Come to think of it, who wants to be the Couple with Matching Perfect Posture? We're done here.

For people who got a pet, then had a kid and forgot about the pet.

A hiccup stopper. Know what also works to stop hiccups? About 15 other methods that are not $19.99 plus shipping and handling. Changing your breathing pattern. Hanging upside down and swallowing water. Waiting like 10 minutes. All of the above are effective methods of ridding yourselves of hiccups. Sure, hanging upside down and swallowing water may make you look dumb too, but at least you didn't pay 20 bucks to do it.

All this time rural folk have thought they've been seeing real live bigfeet, but no, it was merely the misguided shenanigans of someone who had been on a plane recently and also had too much expendable income and time on his hands. Sorry, Bobo. But hey, this will save you having to do a couple reenactments.

Also if you're not purchasing this fake bigfoot to fool simple country folk, you need to reevaluate your life choices. And budgetary decisions. Because trickery is the only valid reason for purchasing this item.

Guys. Guys. You guys. Forget Rogaine. Forget Hair Club for Men. The spacepod hair growth enhancer helmet is FINALLY here. Nevermind the fact that we've already established the average helmet is a fashion faux-pas, let's add tiny lasers and throw a lowercase "i" in front of the name and just round this thing out with a whole new level of terrible.

Sometimes embracing baldness is more attractive than wearing a glorified salon hair-dryer contraption on your head, y'know?

ALSO aren't lasers used to remove hair as well? How can lasers both remove unwanted hair and grow back wanted hair? Do lasers have the power to discern which is the desired effect? Are there different types of hair-related lasers? Is this all a trick? Someone buy a spacepod hair-growing device and report back.

Thus concludes the highlights of the SkyMall magazine, October 2012 edition. Please go forth knowing these things exist in real life.* Except maybe the bigfoot. Might be worth it. It's almost halloween, right?

What's the worst thing you've ever seen in SkyMall? Would you ever consider purchasing any of the products I mentioned above?

*Or do they? New theory: SkyMall is a fraud and uses stock photos to compile the images in the catalog, knowing that no one will actually call to order one of the products displayed. Just a theory.

Nicki Minaj vs. Mariah Carey: It's already happening.

In today's not-shocking news, Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey have already managed to have a tiff during American Idol auditions. Apparently Nicki Minaj cussed Mariah out over who knows what. The video (below) is pretty unintelligible, but it's strategically bleeped out so at least you can tell where all the REALLY bad words were said.

Honestly, I ask you, did we not all see this coming?

When you scrape the bottom of the class barrel for judges and come out with Nicki and Mariah, you've got to know what you're getting into. It was only a matter of time.`

You can't let a wild boar loose in a YMCA (which is the organizational equivalent of American Idol, right?) and expect it to behave like a teacup pig just because there are kids around. I mean, come on guys. This is Nicki Minaj we're talking about, and Mariah Carey, whose ego likely matches the size of her vocal range. She's not going to just sit there and take Nicki Minaj's particularly loud brand of sass.

As a side note-- when judges fight, it's about 100 different kinds of awkward. It's kind of like the dinner party episode of The Office where Jan and Michael can't get it together and everyone just has to watch it go down while they try in vain to cover it up and act like everything's fine. I just want to leave the room until they've had time to cool down. I feel like contestants should be allowed to do that.

All I can say is, poor Keith Urban. Poor, poor Keith Urban.

I warned you about this, Keith. I questioned your judgment (ironically, since you are going to be a judge) on this career decision as soon as I found out about it. I also found out from a reliable source (a.k.a. my friend Nick--shout out!) that he is getting paid significantly less than the other three.

WHAT IS YOUR ANGLE HERE, KEITH? Seriously. You are better than this.

You shouldn't have to be the proverbial designated driver here. You've got Seacrest for that, should it come down to it and you need a mediator. You shouldn't be forced to sit in between two women with vastly inflated senses of self arguing about whether or not a 16 year old can sing on pitch. No one should.

Now's the time when I ask you a very important question: who do you think would win in a fight between Nicki and Mariah?

I think Nicki, but probably just because she's not afraid to tear someone apart and/or sit on them with her large booty. But Mariah does have twins and a Nick Cannon to fight for.

Vote 4 Stuff 2012: Vote or Die's less-threatening successor

Remember 2004?

Remember when TRL was still on, Michael Phelps was still up-and-coming, and P. Diddy took it upon himself to threaten the youth of America in an attempt to promote the civic duty of voting?

Well, it's not 2004 anymore, guys.

It's 2012.

And with the progression of time and culture comes the progression of worldwide political-correctness. And you can't just go around yelling "vote or die!" to impressionable teenagers and twenty-somethings and get away with it. Even if you're P.Diddy. Who, for one week in 2011, even Sean Combs was not.

Sidebar: During that week he insisted on being called "swag." Why does he keep wasting our time by making us memorize new names? We've already done triple the work for you, Sean "P.Diddy" "Puff Daddy" "Sean John" Combs, okay? I don't appreciate your presumption that we would do it again.

Anyway. Due to this warm-fuzzies standard we have now reached, American celebrities decided that perhaps they won't use violence to inspire voting, they will use sarcastic jokes and YouTube, which are, as we all know, Americans' love languages.

To top off this pendulum swing from Diddy's approach, this video is titled pretty much the opposite of "Vote or Die," which is the much less threatening "Vote 4 Stuff."

Yep. Just…stuff. Vote for it.

Bless it all. Aren't we just adorable?

Anyway, what resulted from this initiative was the video below, starring some fantastic celebrities and some awful ones, just to balance it out, y'know?

Awesome List: Ellen (irrefutable--if you challenge me on this, you will lose and probably be chased by an angry mob) Selena Gomez Joseph Gordon-Levitt Jonah Hill Zac Efron

Only-okay list: Tobey MacGuire Leo DiCaprio The Girl From Mamma-Mia

Terrible List: Sarah Silverman

Who-are-these-people-list: The spanish-speaking guy Guy with the Plaid Shirt (feel free to help me out here)

Ok, so there was only one awful celebrity. But she's terrible enough to eclipse the whole thing, am I right?

Perhaps my favorite part is Joseph Gordon-Levitt's campaign to end dubstep. That's just good advice. It's had its fun, lets let the scene kids take it back now. We're tired of carrying it, frankly, and that IE9 commercial was cool for the first month and now it's not cool anymore. Also pop stars think they can just weave it in wherever they please (ahem: Nicki Minaj) when we least expect it, and I don't appreciate that. I like to know what I'm getting into when I listen to top 40 hits.

So please enjoy this (admittedly pretty delightful) video telling you to vote for stuff.

VOTE 4 STUFF 2012, you guys.

But really, you probably should.

If YOU could vote for anything, what would it be? 

I vote public funding to invent teleportation, because I am sick of driving 6 hours to get places. Or, y'know, mandatory nap times during the work day.

Confessions of a Pumpkin Spice Latte Poser

I have a confession, you guys. It might just expel me from the Society of All Women Aged 18-35, but I just can't go on pretending anymore. I have to come clean.

I don't really like Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Lattes.

There. I said it.

I like other pumpkin-flavored things--even other coffee shops' pumpkin-flavored lattes. Just not Starbucks'.

It tastes weird, guys. It has a funny aftertaste and the truth is I don't care for it at all. Whatever syrup they use doesn't taste like pumpkin. Plus it's actually orange, which kind of weirds me out.

I have tried, season after season, to like these things.

Every fall I enter with renewed enthusiasm, hoping that I'm just remembering wrong or the baristas messed it up the last couple times I tried. This time will be different, I tell myself. On its face, it should work. Espresso? Good. Pumpkin-cinnamon flavor? Good. Skim milk? Good.

But no. It's always the same.

I just sip it down bit by bit, trying to justify it and tell myself I am enjoying it, but I eventually give up halfway through and throw it away.

And I have come to the conclusion that I like the idea of Starbucks' pumpkin spice lattes much more than I actually like the latte itself.

I'm just trying desperately to fit in with the rest of women my age who are obsessed with it so I can tweet about it later, and that's no way to live, right?

So I am vowing, right here and now, no matter HOW much I am tempted to, no matter how much I want to be a part of the PSL Club, no matter how much I think things might have changed and I might like it now, I will not order another PSL from Starbucks. No more.

Because I end up wasting $4 and a perfectly good coffee experience, when I could have just stuck with the ol' faithful vanilla latte and been much happier, and not had to live with an intense feeling of buyer's remorse.

[I'm extremely susceptible to buyer's remorse, by the way. I'm so indecisive that I never know if I really made the right decision on which shirt to buy or whether I might find something else better later on. Same with trying something new at a restaurant I don't go to very often. This is why I always order the same thing, and why I should do the same at Starbucks.]

So, fellow women and everyone on social media ever, reject me if you must, but I just can't keep doing this. I love coffee, and I am ruining it for myself.

If we go to Starbucks together, I will get a vanilla latte. Or I will contemplate a pumpkin latte and you will say (because you're such a good friend), "hey, remember, you don't actually LIKE those. You just want to like them." And I will thank you for your kind reminder and go back to the vanilla latte that rarely disappoints, unless the barista is terrible at their job.

Tell the truth: do you like PSL's? Am I just crazy or are there others like me out there?

A Plea to Justin Timberlake

Justin,

Justin, Justin, Justin.

Let's be real for a second.

I feel like we as a society have let this go on long enough. We love you on SNL, we accepted your role in The Social Network, we even overlooked that movie that was exactly the same as that other movie about being friends with benefits.

But it's time to go back where you belong.

I saw the trailer for that baseball movie you're in with the girl from Enchanted and Clint Eastwood, and, I gotta say, you're really only okay.

You know it too, don't you? Deep down?

There, there. Don't cry. I hate being the one to have to confront you with this.* Really, I do. I want you to succeed. But this can't go on.

Do you realize how many things have happened since the last time you released an album?

We got a black president. Justin Bieber became a thing. Heck, TWITTER became a thing. Bed Intruder Song. Two separate summer Olympics. You know? That's a lot of stuff. More than half a decade's worth of stuff.

It's time you got back on that horse. And by the way--digital shorts, as much as we loved them, do not count.

I know it's hard because you want to be taken seriously as an actor, and you've already invested so much time in this whole thing. Everyone keeps telling you to go back to doing music, which probably makes you want to do it even less. I get it.

But you know, there's no shame in going back home. (Or in forgiveness. Mrs. Coach taught me that.)

I need some collaborations with B.o.B. or Nicki Minaj in my life. I need some surprise guest appearances on the VMA's.

You were the white boy boy-bander with street cred. The Biebs is taking that away from you. He even took your title as Most Popular Justin. Anyone who knows me at all knows I have nothing but respect for the Biebs, but are you going to just sit idly by and let this happen? Are you?

I'm just saying. Would you rather be a mediocre actor who people only put in movies because your name is Justin Timberlake, or a talented solo artist with a falsetto that puts all other falsettos to shame?

In the end, it's your choice. But I hope you choose wisely. For the betterment of society. And the future of dance.

P.S. if your next career move is to be a judge on a TV talent competition, so help me.

*on a blog you will never read

What's your vote: acting or music for JT?

Disturbing Headline OTD: Movie Ninjas

I hate hearing people text or burp or kick my seat during a movie as much as the next person, but I think assembling a task force clad head-to-toe in black spandex is taking it a little too far, wouldn't you agree?

Allow me to explain what I mean, and then you can decide.

Those crazy Brits are at it again. I know I don't understand British humor, and I definitely didn't understand the opening ceremonies this year, but I feel like I'm justified in not understanding this.

They have managed to take something that sounds awesome and make it absolutely terrifying: movie ninjas.

Apparently one London movie theater, whose owners evidently care more about being noticed than maintaining a loyal customer base...or any self-respect, agreed to let crazies in black body suits roam theaters amongst innocent patrons trying to enjoy Finding Nemo in 3D--just searching for people to silence, eclipsing any whispering mouths with their pitch-colored mitts.

Of course, that's probably not an precisely accurate description, but precisely accurate is boring, am I right?

I can see this turning into a terrifying nursery rhyme to scare children into submission in about 2.7 seconds.

"Movies are such fun fun fun, but close your mouth and hush your tongue. For in the shadows Movie Ninja lurks, waiting to pounce on little jerks."

Or something like that. It's a work in progress.

Anyway, I have several concerns.

1) Being snuck up on by lycra puppet-people would cause more of a disturbance in my book than whispering "who's that?" to the person next to you. ["I don't know either, I've been watching it the same amount of time as you," would be the response, by the way, from any self-respecting husband who's ever seen a movie with their wife. Sorry, guys.]

If it were me, I'd jump out of my chair and spill my smuggled Diet Coke all over the person next to me, surely knocking the popcorn out of their hands I'd been eyeing for 25 minutes but NOT stealing any of. That, my friends, is a scene. A sticky, buttery one. And do you know who would have to clean it up? The 20-year-old surly theater employee with the little non-electric vacuum contraption.* Which brings me to my next concern:

2) An all out gang-war between surly theater employees and wacky ninja silencers. Here the theater employees are, having worked there for WEEKS already, cleaning up unidentified sticky mess off floors, being forced to offer pizza and drink upcharges to people that are not remotely interested, wearing burgundy vests in front of all their friends...haven't they been through enough?

When in walks these crazy kids in an overgrown textbook cover from 2002, scaring patrons and trying to lightheartedly (while simultaneously creepily) keep the peace, making messes and leaving.

I think these are grounds for some stakeouts in the back parking lot. Nothing too violent, of course. Something more along the lines of West Side Story than like...the Dillon Panthers and that team with the psycho coach who hit Riggins.

3) Easy possibility for impostors to sneak in and rob and/or harm people. I feel like this is a no-brainer. How do you tell the real fun-loving movie ninjas from real-life sketchballs in bodysuits? How do I know they're really just telling me to be quiet and not trying to smother me and take my money? I think if we're going to do this, the real-live movie ninjas should have to wear identification, even though it takes away their ninja street cred. If they're going to serve society, they've got to be ok with losing some street cred.

*I have never quite understood how these work. They have no suction, right? They have no batteries or electricity to power them. HOW do they trap food and not just roll overtop of it? Explanations welcome.

What is your least favorite movie annoyance? Sub question: What would you want movie ninjas to do about it?

Bacon Is The New Black

I don't know when. I don't know how. But at some point, openly declaring one's love for bacon became cool. At least on social media. You probably can't run around saying you love bacon in real life and expect people to keep treating you as a normal human. Anyway, I was perusing "Pinterest, You Are Drunk" as a result of Tuesday's post, and I came across the tag, "Bacon is the New Black" on this photo:

And you know what? IT TOTALLY IS.

The other day on Facebook, someone claimed it was Bacon Day and posted photo that read "I (heart) Bacon." The heart was filled with an image of bacon. (UPDATE: September 3rd is, apparently, Bacon Day. Because we have that now.)

People found this image amusing and endearing, as evidenced by the number of "likes" this image had.

I think maybe it's one of those ironic things.

Like, if a larger person were to say "I love bacon," I feel like we would respond, "Um, yeah ya do. Might want to love it a little less there, big guy..." Because it's the opposite of ironic.

But if a skinny hipster or pretty girl with a sense of humor talks about how much they love (local, grass-fed) bacon, everyone chuckles and agrees wholeheartedly.

I'm not saying this is a bad thing, or even a good thing. I'm just saying it's a thing.

Maybe our society just collectively voted in bacon as the official national food of America. Bacon isn't gross enough to be publicly condemned, but bad enough for you that it's still American. It's affordable to the masses. People put it on everything, including ice cream (lookin' at you, Burger King). It's the perfect fit.

Ron Swanson may also have had something to do with this. I can't be sure, but I know how he loves his breakfast food and slabs of meat. People tend to listen to him.

FINDINGS (a.k.a. "proof"):

Below is what happens when you just search "Bacon" on pinterest.

T-shirts, fun facts about bacon, bacon flavored novelty toothpaste...it's all there. DARE I say Bacon is the new Mustache? It might be too soon to tell, but ol' Mustache better sleep with one eye open.

Even kids know it. I was reading Mandie Marie's delightful blog a while ago, where she often posts "field notes," which are basically just funny things her kiddos said when she substitute taught their class. Guess what made more than one appearance? BACON.

MORE FINDINGS (legit, you guys, they are even called field notes):

Friday Field Notes #1

Me: Can you tell me some healthy things to eat? C: Bacon. Me: Bacon is delicious, but it’s not healthy for you. C: GASP (I’m telling you, there was an audible gasp and his mouth hung wiiiiide open). Me: I know buddy. I’m sorry I had to break it to you.

Friday Field Notes #2

Me: Can you name a healthy food? E: Bacon! Me: Sorry guys, although delicious it’s not healthy. E: Is there sugar in it? Me: No, lots of fat. E: But… Me: I know buddy. I know.

Friday Field Notes # 3

Me: Tell me something awesome. A: Bacon. Me: You are not the first person to have said this.

In conclusion, Bacon really IS the new black. Try to argue with kindergarteners about it. You won't win.

Have you noticed this trend? On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you love bacon?

"I Make My Own Underwear." [Things You Don't Want to Hear]

Yep, that's a guy. He made his own underwear that day. Aww.

The Pinterest revolution has brought with it myriads of terrible ideas, some almost unfathomable. (For examples, please see "Pinterest, You Are Drunk.")

I often don't understand the point of making something when it is not a) cheaper b) easier or c) saving baby seals. If I have to buy 25 ingredients to make my own soap, no thanks. I will pay Suave $1 to make it for me.

This is how I feel about this workshop on making your own underwear (via Make). Yep, underwear.

Did you know underwear can be as cheap as $3 a package if you are really on a budget? Did you also know this class costs $100 plus a $20 fee for supplies?

I don't trust myself to make a skirt, which could essentially be just elastic and fabric, let alone underwear with seams and multiple holes and different-colored trim.

Plus something about the sentence "I make my own underwear" leads me to believe that person also lives in a tree in Asheville with little to no laundry detergent or inhibitions.

Sure, in actuality it's just sewing, which is a normal hobby. But "making your own underwear" sounds somehow less sanitary than buying it. It sounds like you're fashioning it out of whatever burlap you have lying around or something.

So does this pass the test? Is it a) cheaper? No.

Is it b) easier? Resounding no.

Does it c) save baby seals? Not unless those baby seals are being taken captive by Victoria's Secret.

Plus, it makes your hygiene sound iffy at best.

In conclusion, making your own underwear sounds like a glorious waste of time. Seriously, go read a book or something if you have that much time on your hands.

No one should have enough free time that they choose to spend it on making underwear. No one.

Have you ever made your own clothes? Does making your own underwear sound as weird to you as it does to me?

EDIT: Whilst perusing Pinterest, You Are Drunk today I discovered that making underwear is actually one of the posts. I rest my case. Click here to see.

EDIT NUMERO DOS: Note how nowhere in this post (except right here) will you read the word "panty," despite the fact that the workshop title includes it. I stand by that decision. As does every self-respecting woman.

will.i.am serenades Martians because he can

In case you haven't heard, will.i.am wrote a song about space and broadcast it on Mars and then broadcast it back to Earth. Yep, that happened.

Why? Because this is America, dang it. And we don't just premiere autotuned PSA's to inspire kids to be scientists. We premiere autotuned PSA's to inspire kids to be scientists...on MARS.

So, your move, China. (Or whoever our rival is at this point. I feel like it's China.)

Ha, just kidding. That's adorable. It's not like you even HAVE a mohawk guy to press "play."

Watch the video to see NASA nerds (I mean that in the endearing way) sway awkwardly while they listen to will.i.am at Space Command (which is what I choose to call the NASA control room). In their defense, it's like watching someone watch a movie or listen to a recording of themselves. It's not really a fair situation.

Who do you think should be the first to perform on Mars? We're thinking big here, people.

John Mayer + Katy Perry: The Relationship No One Knew About

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Y'know, I like to think of myself of somewhat of a pop culture connoisseur. Okay, maybe connoisseur is too strong of a word (considering, as my computer just pointed out, I don't even know how to spell it). But I keep up with things. I generally know who's having babies and who threw their hat into the ring this week to be considered for an American Idol judge.

But this somehow slipped under my nose, and like all amateurs who claim to be experts, I blame someone else. That someone is the media.

When two mega celebrities--one coming off a highly publicized divorce and 3D film and the other coming off a new album and two years in woodland solitude--decide to date, or at least be seen together, which is the celebrity equivalent, we have a right to know, okay?

So my point in all this is to tell you that John Mayer and Katy Perry have not only been dating, but have already broken up. Apparently this had been going on for months and no one bothered to tell me.

Why was this not on the cover of US Weekly so that I could at least catch a glimpse while I wait 45 minutes for the lady in front of me to pay for her groceries with a check?

Sure, some unknown somebody gets us all riled up that Maynard cheated on One F Jef (apparently they both deny it and I believe them because I like to believe believe One F is incapable of lying) and it's plastered all over that glossy glorified tabloid the next day. But an unfortunate-looking-yet-super-popular songwriter and a girl who wears cupcake bras as clothing start making out in public and no one thinks this is important enough to make sweeping declarations about?

I'm appalled.

Y'know, I would expect this from more reputable sources who don't want to "jump to conclusions" and are worried about "libel," but not from you, celebrity gossip magazines. You have a reputation to uphold. You have to be the one making wild assumptions and throwing them out there as fact, citing only "a source" as reference. That's your job, guys. If you're not doing it, who is?

And now it's over. And I totally missed it. It came and went with nary a word about the blue-haired diva and her homeless-looking crooner.

What made this FINALLY grace the digital pages of EW's Popwatch and therefore brought it to my attention? John Mayer's "break-over" haircut.

A haircut.

Sigh. Get your priorities straight, EW. In the hierarchy of celebrity news, chart-topping pop stars dating each other far exceeds haircuts.

Unless it's Justin Bieber. Then all bets are off.

What should John Mayer and Katy Perry's celebrity couple name have been? 

P.S. Chris Pratt (Andy from Parks and Rec but really Bright Abbott from Everwood) and Anna Ferris also had a baby. Did you even know they were together, let alone pregnant? Neither did I. THE BALL IS OVER THERE, MAGAZINES. Go pick it up, please, and try not to drop it again.

Inflatable Bike Helmet: the only thing uglier than a regular bike helmet.

Coming soon to a Sky Mall near you... Introducing: the HOVDING.

What's a Hovding, you ask?

Well, my friends, it's a new bike helmet that now only looks terrible if you actually have a bicycle accident! Otherwise it just looks like you might go skiing later, which is totally plausible as a relaxing activity you might partake in after a long bike ride.

You see, Hovding is basically a puffy collar which conveniently conceals an airbag for your head.

And only does it have a name that sounds like a fun New Zealand woodland creature, but it comes with many STYLISH covers you can change out to match your every fashion whim (that you totally care about whilst riding a bike).

Has a mean group of popular kids ever pointed and laughed at you as they passed by in a red sportscar while you bicycled along wearing your sensible bike helmet?

Not anymore!

This revolutionary device protects you from brain damage AND fashion faux-pas.

I know what you're thinking--why did no one think of this sooner?

Those Swedes, they do more than just woo Julie Taylor.*

Apparently wearing a bike helmet is now a law in Sweden, and these guys were SO PUT OUT by the mere suggestion that they be caught dead in one of those monstrosities that they invented a more suitable alternative. Passion for fashion makes people go the distance, you guys. (By the way, I'm picturing Sven from HIMYM the entire time I'm reading this article.)

So they set out to revolutionize bicycle fashion, one mean-looking European girl at a time. (see accompanying photo)

The Hovding can apparently sense when your bicycle is flailing out of control and immediately inflates around your head in ONE TENTH OF A SECOND. So good luck if you hit the pavement in one hundredth of a second. You're just out of luck, I suppose.

Never mind the fact that if you just jerk the handlebars suddenly or are a bicyclist in training, your cranium will likely be enveloped in an inflatable polar bear claw and you'll have to ride home like that in an airbag of shame only serving to call unavoidable attention to your failure.

But for us steady-handed cyclists, this neck brace-chic solution is a no-brainer. You might have to wear a ski jacket while biking in order for it to blend in, but it's a step in the right direction, am I right?

I think this might actually be a not-so-subtle attempt at rewarding people for safe bicycle driving. If you drive safely, no bear claw. If you don't, bear claw.

The Hovdig also contains its own black box (LIKE AN AIRPLANE YOU GUYS) so I guess people can review your tumble down Ol' Deathwish Hill over and over again if they want. Oh and also so the Swedes can figure out how to make this thing more useful in the future.

Sure, it's likely to end up in whatever warehouse in Kansas all those segways are collecting dust in, but it's nice to know people are trying.

Maybe one day, we as a society will just man up and decide that bike helmets are just a thing we have to wear so we don't die. Then this nonsense would not be remotely necessary. I'm not sure when or how this association started, perhaps at the conception of the bike helmet, but bike helmets were established as innately uncool.

Until we decide bike helmets are acceptable to be seen in, we are stuck with $600 inflatable polar bear claw neck braces. And that's just no way to live.

[SIDE NOTE: this article uses the phrase "invisible bike helmet," which sounds way better than the contraption I stumbled upon instead.]

Have you ever evaded wearing a bike helmet for fear of being uncool? Or is this solely a 90s-kid problem?

*I can now make Friday Night Lights references because I am halfway through season 2 on Netflix. Clear eyes, full hearts...!

98 Degrees Reunited, and No One Was Impressed

The kind of nonsense we as the American public endure on a daily basis is just staggering. Octomom commercials, Mustafina's ever-pouty-yet-somehow-crazy-eyes,* two 30-second commercials preceding a one-minute long insignificant video, Kathy Lee Gifford's mere existance…the list goes on.

But this---this has to immediately jump to the top of that list.

If you haven't already heard, 98 Degrees reunited and performed on the Today show.

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I don't think anyone knows why.

My theory is that because they canceled The Sing Off, Nick Lachey needed something to do. How much do you think he paid each of the other three just to be part of yet another vehicle for his mediocre success? Let's face it, is there really any other logical reason this happened?

Let's review the tape, shall we?

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Wow. First of all, how unenthusiastic is Jeff? Or is it Drew? I can never tell them apart. They all look like Lacheys to me except the one that's obviously not a Lachey. [Is non-Lachey's mic even on? I can barely hear his talk-rap in the bridge, and that is a travesty. Also is he related to Louis C.K.? I'm asking.]

Also, how pitchy is Jeff-Drew? Seriously, why are we doing this? Are they really starting over? Why are they doing the same choreography as they did in 1998?

Aren't these people dads by now? If you're a dad, you're no longer allowed to perform in a boy band. You're just not. I think that should be the rule of thumb. Have some self-respect. Wear a tie, you hoodlum.

To the three non-Nick-Lacheys, I ask: was this tiny blip of publicity this got worth the loss of dignity? Come on, guys. I mean LOOK at how bored these kids are. Just look at their sad faces.

FREEZE FRAME. 

Let's analyze these folks who found themselves at this renaissance of 90's pop that was only-okay.

Everyone is painfully uninterested, except that 25-year-old girl who somehow knows the words to the song they are performing, which I have now realized is "Invisible Man." Even I wouldn't have remembered that song, and I'm pretty up on my 90's boy band lyrics.

Purple Tank Top is feigning interest. Striped Tank Top apparently finds Purple Tank Top more interesting than 98 Degrees.

Lady In Red looks like she's trying to figure out where she knows those boys from.

Sassafras McGee in the front is sassing her friend about how this song was her jam in 6th grade...or taking a duck-face Instagram photo or something.

Lady Taking A Picture seems to think this is worth her time and that her grandchildren will appreciate that photo, but they won't. If you're weren't born before 1991 you won't appreciate that photo. And seeing as kids who were born in 2000 are now in 6th grade, I'm assuming that is not the case for LTAP.

Lady In The White Shirt is bobbing her head contently but internally wondering when she's allowed to leave.

Her companion, Man In The White Shirt has a camera round his arm, but notice how he is NOT using it on 98 Degrees. Not even one little bit. He obviously doesn't want to waste his valuable memory card space. Which is deletable. That's how much he cares.

And last but not least, Blonde Kid. The center of this artful display of human misery. That poor, poor blond 13-year-old boy. Perhaps he was drug there by that one girl in that entire crowd who knew ahead of time this was happening and waited in line just so she could prove to the world she knows the words to the world's most obscure boy band song.

I'm sorry, blonde kid. Really, I am. I'm 24 and a girl and team BSB and all, but i had no part in this. Please don't blame all of us.

What band do you wish would reunite (practical or not)?

*SEE?? (Don't look directly at them.)

Source

How Tracy Morgan Fixed A Show About Fish Tanks

So, if you didn't know, there's this show called Tanked. In keeping with the true reality show motto of let's-just-tape-everything, it lives among cohorts like Cake Boss and that fail of a show Unpoppables about people who made things out of balloons (spoiler alert: everything still looks like a 4th grade birthday party), following around guys that make fancy fish tanks for a living.

The guys aren't very charismatic and the interviews and banter sound painfully scripted, but they do turn out some pretty impressive things.

Even so, it's guys making fish tanks, so it was still pretty boring.

UNTIL NOW.

Enter Tracy Morgan and his disproportionate level of excitement upon meeting these fish tank maker guys.

This video shows Tracy displaying the most energy I've ever seen him display in any setting. It's so ridiculous, it has to be real. I don't know why Tracy Morgan is so hyped about his future fish tank, but watching what is apparently his lifelong dream coming true before our very eyes sounds pretty good to me.

Plus we get to spend valuable moments of our lives trying to guess the age difference between his fiancé and his son (who REALLY is named Tracy Jr., which is just great news). My guess is 8 years.

It gets even better, you guys, because Neil freaking Patrick Harris is in this season as well. They are building a replica of a Houdini escape tank for him, which is perfect due to NPH's quirky yet endearing magic skills. Really, can that guy do anything even slightly less than awesome? I submit that he cannot.

Turns out the only thing this show needed to make it worth watching was celebrities with too much expendable income and a love for small aquatic creatures.

Nevermind the fact that they'll probably have to hire a new staff person for their abodes whose job description will read only "keeper of fish." Better to be the keeper of fish in Tracy Morgan's house than head butler at some unknown rich guy's house, am I right?

What's your favorite lifestyle reality show (i.e. River Monsters, Ace of Cakes, Duck Dynasty, etc.)?

How the Spice Girls are Winning at Life

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My musical theater director in the grand total of three performances I was in during middle school used to say, "what I lack in pitch, I make up for in VOL-UME!"

I kind of feel like that's exactly what the UK's approach was in the opening and closing ceremonies.

They tried really, really hard. And clearly their people are proud of their country's books and farming or something. (I would have just let them reenact scenes from Harry Potter for three hours straight, but hey, that's me.)

Both ceremonies were clearly very elaborate, but I feel like they were just a hodgepodge of remotely-British things and glowing octopi. To be fair, this is the third time London has hosted the Olympics, so perhaps it was just hard to come up with a third idea.

But I digress.

The real thing I want to talk about is the fact that after planning this thing for years, the best culmination of British culture, star power and public interest they could muster was a Spice Girls Reunion.

And no one was even mad about it.

Sure, half the Olympians watching don't even KNOW the words to Scary Spice's pseudo-rap in Wannabe due to the fact that they were born after 1994 (appalling), but I like that the UK considered them beloved enough across the board to make their performance the big finale. Because the truth is, if the Spice Girls weren't reuniting Sunday night, would any of us have watched the closing ceremonies? The answer is no. No we would not.

Everything else was basically a Super Bowl halftime show, and you know it.

And y'know what, I say power to the Spice Girls. They were awesome for about 2.5 years, faded into pop culture history and just waited for the rest of the world to call THEM. They didn't have to beg to be back in the spotlight like the Backstreet Boys do every two years (I love them, but it's true). They went about their lives until the OLYMPICS called and asked them to be the main event. Doing. It. Right.

I'd be okay with being a Spice Girl right about now. Some might be ashamed to have that legacy, but not me.

Know why? They have been successful, productive members of society and got to join together to perform at the Olympics, basically just for the fun of it (and probably the millions of dollars they were paid). Who wouldn't want to reprise one of the best guilty-pleasure hits of all time on top of cars, looking as naturally-aged as ever, bringing joy to the entire world? No one, that's who.

Here is what the life of a former Spice Girl looks like:

Geri Halliwell (Ginger Spice) - maintains solid success in music in the UK, writes autobiographies (which I have now decided I must read) Emma Bunton (Baby Spice) - can now tout the title "singer/songwriter," also maintains solid success in the UK Mel B (Scary Spice) - also maintains solid musical success, has her own style reality show, is a judge on the X Factor Australia, and HAD A BABY WITH EDDIE MURPHY. I'm not sure how I missed that. Mel C (Sporty Spice) - holds the third position for MOST UK NUMBER ONE's by a female artist. This is real life. Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice) - wife to David Beckham. Oh and has a fashion line or something, but mostly wife to David Beckham and mother of beautiful children. (winning either way)

So basically it rules to be a Spice Girl, and no one knew it until now.

Congratulations, Spices. You are what is right with the world. Thanks for not doing drugs and ruining my childhood.

What was your favorite part of the opening or closing ceremonies?