Impressive People You Should Know About: Ariana Grande

The Internet is flooded with hoards of famous and semi-famous and almost-famous people nowadays. Singers, actors, dubstep dancers---all at varying levels of popularity, which you can now rate objectively and calculate into their worth thanks to youtube views and Instagram likes. Thanks, society!

With all these randos clamoring for your attention, how do you know which ones to pay attention to? Well, I'm here to help.

I do a lot of sifting through the Internet, for better or for worse, and today I'd like to share with you someone I think is worth knowing: Ariana Grande.

Who's Ariana Grande? Glad you asked. [Pretend you asked, okay?]

Ariana Grande [see how I'm using her name multiple times so you don't forget it? It's actually a name-remembering technique for those awkward mingle times at receptions and conferences. You're welcome.] is somewhat of a child star. STAY WITH ME.

It's no secret that I am well versed in the "Just for Kids" section of Netflix and iTunes movies. Before we cut cable (sigh), I watched an inordinate amount of Disney Channel and Nickelodeon for a 24-year-old grown up with no kids. I still watch Phineas and Ferb on Netflix on Saturday mornings SO SUE ME.

Anyway all that to say Ariana was (is?) on a show called Victorious on Nickelodeon, which comes from a family of actually-funny shows created by Dan Schneider (Drake & Josh, iCarly). She played a bright-red-haired ditsy girl named Kat who was actually pretty funny. All the characters went to a performing arts school so (you know where I'm going with this) there was a lot of SINGING on this show. The one time I heard her sing it was like daaaaang girl! And that was how I gradually fell into the rabbit hole of her youtube videos.

What I found out was she is fantastic.

Her voice is just...what-the-what kind of good, and it turns out she has quite the following on the youtubes, which is why you probably haven't heard of her. Does anyone actually follow people on youtube besides thirteen year olds?

Anyway, to give you basically a Cliffs Notes version of Ariana's DEAL, here are a few fun facts for you:

1) She did a duet with MIKA sampling the "Popular" song from Wicked, and it is one of the catchiest things you've ever heard. The video is pretty cute, too:

2) She can do impressions of famous singers, including Britney Spears, Katy Perry and Jessie J. Be entertained:

3) She covered Mariah Carey recently and ARE WE SURE THEY AREN'T THE SAME PERSON? I mean Mariah is rolling in the Benjamins, right? She could have paid some biologists a wheelbarrow full of money to clone some of her DNA 18 years ago because who knew she would ever settle down with a former Nickelodeon star (COINCIDENCE?) turned C-list host and have twins with him? She had to keep that voice alive. I'm just saying, it could've happened. Decide for yourself:

4) Here is her brand-new single and it's basically just Mariah again but who is really going to be mad about it?

5) Last but not least, she covered my main man Biebs and it was also delightful. Plus we're beginning to need a replacement now that the Biebs is a walking disappointment. GET IT TOGETHER, MAN.

Try to tell me you're not impressed.

Then try to refocus on work and not watch youtube videos all day. Godspeed.

What was your favorite impression? 

It's That Time Again: A Look At My Bachelorette Bracket

It's officially summer, you guys. School is out, it's 800 degrees in Tennessee, and best of all, The Bachelorette is back.

Lest you assume I'm a hopeless romantic that believes in finding EVERLASTING FAIRY TALE MAGICAL ONCE IN A LIFETIME LOVE by making out with 25 different hair-gelled men on television, let me clear the air and say how well aware I am this whole thing is outrageously ridiculous.

And that is why I love/hate it.

As I explained in this last post containing my Bachelor bracket, there is a growing group of us over at Xtra Bacon and on Twitter who like to all come together and make fun of the people competing FOR LOVE. It's not mean when they are Accountants SLASH DJ's who can't spell and purposefully put themselves in the public eye to tell a girl (along with 24 other guys) that she's the most beautiful girl in the world and there's nowhere else he'd rather be and he never thought he'd fall in love like this. I'm just saying they're fair game.

[NOTE: If you like funny things and like (or hate) the Bachelor/ette you should listen to the Xtra Bacon podcast recap "For Love" featuring my hilarious friends Knox and Jamie as you go along this season. The first two previewing the hopeful bachelors are already up and are filled with some GEMS. Check them out here and here.]

All that to say, IT IS TIME. And I am pumped.

So far we know that there will be several fist fights, one tearful muscle-bound man defending himself to the rest of the guys that he's here for the "right reasons" (whatever those are), a lot of crying from Des, an angry girlfriend from back home...it's going to be a wild ride, you guys.

So without further ado, I present to you my picks for the season. To put faces with names, check the bios here. (Unfortunately the magician is already gone. I KNOW. It was really prejudiced of her.) To play along, click here for the rules and the bracket. If you do, let me know in the comments so we can all play together and MAYBE even have a prize.

[If it isn't obvious, our printer is out of black ink.]

Breakdown of my top 3:

3. Brooks - Even though I was sorely disappointed in the pitch of his speaking voice, I thought he had potential from the get-go. Mostly because in his headshot he was wearing a denim shirt over a striped one. I also saw him on a few dates in the upcoming montage so I hope he goes this far. It's kind of a long shot, but you never know (ahem, LINDSAY).

2. Drew - He's kind of pretty, and he was in all the montages. He was in my top picks from the get-go as well simply because he seemed like a normal person. I was also sorely disappointed in his speaking voice. WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN?

1. Bryden - OK I KNOW he doesn't look that great in his photo (his hair has improved significantly) and normally I would never put him in this position. But she seemed to really like him, and given that he is relatively introverted but sweet, I think he could be a great fit for her. She's pretty extroverted and bubbly, so I think she needs someone laid back. He's a respectable military man who can string sentences together like a pro (a huge asset on this program), so I think he's got a shot. Plus I saw him on extravagant dates in the montage as well. It seems unlikely now, but you just wait. He could be the next One F Jef (sigh. I still miss him.) I just really wish his name wasn't Bryden. It grates on my nerves.

Who are your top picks? Who do you think is prettiest based on the bios (AHEM Juan Pablo)? If you're not watching, what are your summer shows?

The Subtle Downward Spiral of Will Smith

Source

Guys, I'm worried about Will Smith. His kids are ruining his life.

It's not all their fault. I mean, he's responsible for them. And his career. But listen, there was a time when Will Smith was a respected actor.

Remember when he was in Pursuit of Happyness? Remember how everyone revered him as a talented actor and not just the guy from Hitch and Men in Black? Remember how he probably thought this was just the beginning of the rest of his life?

He was wrong. I'd like to suggest that instead it was the peak of his career and since then it's been a slow, subtle downward spiral.

And it all comes back to his kids.

Jaden was IN Pursuit of Happyness. A cute, non-consequential minor role. Now, he and his sister are just scowl-faced fashion emergencies rapping about God knows what and Will has to just stand around going "that's my baby!" like he's proud or something.

Well let me tell you, he should not be proud. He should be disciplining. Because people are starting to lose confidence in him. I'm starting lose confidence in him. I'm worried I'm not taking him seriously anymore.

I'm genuinely nervous that he's falling off the radar and slipping into some kind of crazy uncle will status where he's always talking about the good ol' days when he was on Fresh Prince.

I mean seriously have you seen how many times he's rapped in public lately?

SEVERAL.

It was funny and amazing the first time when it was special because he never did it. It's not so funny and amazing when you take a mic from the house band on Letterman after you've ALREADY started rapping over your intro music and they just kind of let it happen and throw you a mic because you are STILL rapping without one.

It's just sad, Will. Kinda sad.

I'm sure it's hard when your kids are such attention-hogs (full disclosure: I learn everything I know about them from Suri's Burn Book) to not grab mics and be all "REMEMBER ME YOU GUYS I USED TO RAP" but come on Will. It's not classy and you know it.

Let's put on our big boy pants, man up and do a real movie. Not some weird M. Night Shyamalan buddy-cop-type thing with your son where you're actually the one riding HIS coattails and your name is Cypher Raige. I'm just saying, it's not cute. He should be greedily using YOUR fame to get ahead, not the other way around.

I don't think anyone has noticed his gradual drop off because of the flashy ego-parade that is his children, but I am noticing, Will, and I think you should step it up.

No more gratuitous rapping on late-night shows. No more movies co-starring with your son.

Real live grown-up movies.

You can do it, Will. We believe in you.

What's your favorite Will Smith movie?

Chris Hadfield, Space Hero

Outer space is fascinating. It's one of those concepts that sounds insane for it to even exist--like it's just this fun story to tell kids and make sweet dioramas about but not a real thing. Kind of like dinosaurs. (Those things were REAL you guys. I can't be the only one who thinks that is strange.) This is mostly because of my own self-absorbed hyper focus on what is happening in my tiny corner of one tiny continent on one tiny planet in the universe. I rarely think about space.

But it's there. Things exist outside our planet. It's hard to believe sometimes those planets and stars and various arrays of space-rocks in the photos are actually real and that people have seen them. You guys, people have WALKED on the MOON. Why are we not more impressed by this on a daily basis? We should just walk around going "YOU GUYS THERE IS AN AMERICAN FLAG ON A BALL OF ROCK FLOATING IN THE BLACK NOTHINGNESS MILLIONS OF MILES FROM OUR PLANET" like all the time.

I mean people voluntarily LEAVE our PLANET and just float around amid balls of gas and nothingness...for science! And that's really it. No other reason than just to know things. Space is awesome.

All that to say, if you haven't heard, there is a fellow out on the International Space Station right now* who has been filming the greatest youtube videos of all time. His name is Chris Hadfield. He's Canadian (what up) and is doing all sorts of fun show-and-tell videos about what it's like to live in space.

First of all WHY has no one done this before? Why has no one else wrung out a wet washcloth in space and filmed it for the rest of us to see? Why has no one showed us how to eat gross rehydrated spinach or sing David Bowie or brush your teeth in space?

Well, Chris here has stepped it up and filled that void in the human experience.

I am learning so much from this guy, including the fact that they can't use bread for sandwiches in space because of crumbs. CRUMBS. They would just float around and never fall to the ground. I mean duh, of course they wouldn't, but if I were an astronaut I totally would have just packed bread for my sandwiches like an idiot and then been like OH NO THE CRUMBS ARE EVERYWHERE and now, thanks to Chris, I know to use space tortillas. Y'know, should I ever been in that situation.

I love that scientists have to think about trivial things like crumbs when considering sending people into the great beyond where there aren't even things like oxygen to do important science things for the future of humanity.

Here are a few of my favorite videos he's done:

The one that sparked my interest in it all: what happens when you wring out a wet washcloth in space.

How To Eat Dessert in Space:

How to Sleep in Space:

(I mean come on, how adorable was that video? SPACE PAJAMAS.)

Oh and just for good measure, he also sang "Space Oddity" for our entertainment, and he is now in the running for most beloved (and most fantastically-mustached) astronaut of all time. I love the Internet. [more videos here]

So now you know way more about space than you did before. Should you ever try to take a sandwich in your backpack to space. Thanks, Chris!

Also, make sure you never go to space sad and expect to subtly shed a few tears when no one is looking. The tears just jumble up on your eyes and obstruct your vision until you wipe them off with a towel. Plus there is no crying in space exploration. Just like baseball.

What do you wish you knew about living in space? SIDE QUESTION: Have you ever been to space camp? (I have. And his dessert looked way better than that touristy freeze-dried ice cream crap they sell in the gift shop.)

*according to Twitter apparently he came back to earth last night...right after I wrote this.

The Legend of Lady Gaga (And also where the heck is she?)

LOL remember when she looked this normal?

Once upon a time, there was a bright, young, up-and-coming singer named Stefani Germanotta--known to most by her stage name, Lady Gaga.

The young woman burst onto the music scene, first appearing in an episode of The Hills before taking the world by storm just a few months later.

Her first hit, "Just Dance," though ridiculous, had an addictive melody and synth composition. Resistance was, as I learned, futile.

Soon she became known for more than just her music; her outlandish outfits came to be expected and even anticipated by audiences across the globe. To us, they were watercooler fodder. To her, statements on society.

Either way, no matter how larger-than-life her persona became, most people were still on board. It's all a part of her image. It's performance art. It's a character. Whatever you wanted to call it, it was working.

Lady Gaga cranked out hit after hit off her debut album. You couldn't go anywhere without hearing "Poker Face" or "Bad Romance." Plus, this is when people still kind of liked Glee, so we heard about 900 versions of any given Gaga song.

Every now and then she would do some respected side project or performance to remind us she was actually talented--singing with Tony Bennett, acoustic piano versions of her electronic pop hits--all of which totally won me over.

I stood by Lady Gaga, despite her ever-growing antics. I defended her to my friends. Not in a "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE" kind of way, but in a "you know, she's actually pretty talented even though she's crazy" kind of way.

She won me over time & time again until I took a step back and realized her path had at some point crossed a line into being creepy and no longer just a celebrity being a celebrity.

I hold celebrities to a different standard of humanity. They are allowed to be about 150% crazier than normal human beings because their entire life relies on self-promotion and they live in the spotlight and blah blah blah. Plus most of them aren't Christians anyway so that right there gives them a different frame of reference on what counts as acceptable behavior and what doesn't. So I can't really hold them up to my own standard and judge them accordingly. I mean, I can, but I understand why they don't live their lives the way I would if I were them.

Anyway, all that to say, I have a fairly reasonable bar of expectation for celebrities before I'm going to go all "this person is a nut job" on them.

But y'all, Lady Gaga took a turn. Suddenly it wasn't just meat dresses and Kermit hats anymore. Suddenly she was like performing seances on stage and pretending to be hanged and there was always a lot of blood. I mean why so much blood, Gaga?

All this would be fine if her music had stayed up-to-par. Let's face it, we as a society are willing to overlook a whole tankload of crazy if the person still makes solid art.

But no. Lady Gaga's much-anticipated sophomore album was largely a letdown. I mean "Born this Way" is pretty catchy but we all kind of agreed it wasn't very original. "You and I" is admittedly a pretty great song, but I'd already heard her perform it, and "Edge of Glory" was fine but not fantastic. No one cared about the rest of the album.

The jukebox of semi-generic synth-pop that was Born This Way was kind of the nail in the coffin for Lady Gaga, I think. That combined with her never-ending attempts at activism.

I quote the new Golden Moon Buffet podcast (which you should totally listen to BTW) when I say, "People don't like it when people try to do more than one thing."

It's true. If you're a singer, don't try to start a nonprofit. If you're a singer, don't try to act in movies about Facebook. The public will not thank you for it.

The only person who can get away with stuff like that is Beyonce and that is because she is great. I would add J.Lo to the list but she's very mediocre at music AND acting so I'm not really even sure how she's as famous as she is.

The question I pose to you now is, WHERE has Lady Gaga gone? I haven't read anything about her in months, and we definitely haven't heard a new single in a while.

I don't peg her as the type of person to give up. It's highly possible that she could be hibernating in a human-sized cocoon waiting for the right moment to do some sort of like David Blaine emergence and burst into her new single and she's like totally naked except for a mic headset (because isn't that the only thing she hasn't done yet?) and covered in goop and she's like gotten some zoologist to breed a real live phoenix and it swoops down and bursts into flames and then no one's even there to see it because no one cares about her anymore.

I'm just speculating, here.

Thus concludes the meteoric rise & fall of Lady Gaga.

Where do you think she is? Do you want her to come back or stay in the cocoon?

Ke$ha's Songwriting Method Defies Physics

Yesterday whilst perusing the Internet, I was minding my own business when I noticed an article titled "How Ke$ha Writes Songs."

Naturally I had to click on it. Does she use word magnets? Draw words out of a hat? Rip pages out of transcripts from shamed public figures and books by Chelsea Handler? I had to know.

What I found, I never expected. Even from Ke$ha.

It was an interview with Conan in which she kindly explains she uses her breasts to play the piano.

Let's just forget for a minute how purposefully provocative this is and focus on how completely illogical it is.

One cannot use their breasts to play the piano. Period. At best you can produce some dissonant nonsense, but even then you're risking head injury. She suggested that she could come up with chord progressions doing this, which makes me question her knowledge of what a chord progression actually is.

To play a chord progression one must use multiple fingers spaced out between multiple keys, then move them up and down the piano. THIS IS STRICTLY IMPOSSIBLE USING BREASTS.

I'm okay with your party songs, your trashy image and even your inconceivably short dress emblazoned with tons of small Conan faces if you still crank out catchy hits like "Die Young," ma'am, but I am not okay with a complete disregard for the realm of possibility within physical science.

The interview stumbles on like a drunk elephant and becomes just like three minutes of Ke$ha trying to explain her songs because they are METAPHORS and EUPHEMISMS as if 1) any of us didn't know that and 2) any of them are hard to figure out.

She takes careful time to explain to us about how "Grow a Pear" is not about growing fruit and how the song about her car is not ONLY about her car but also about her unmentionables. Her songs have LAYERS you guys.

Oh, and some song she has about dinosaurs is actually about how she likes old guys. I haven't heard the song but I'm guessing it's probably obvious.

Ugh. If it weren't for the fact that I literally listened to "Die Young" on the way to work yesterday and still thoroughly enjoyed it, I would vote we excommunicate her from being a person.

What's your favorite guilty pleasure song right now? It's okay if it's Ke$ha. Really. We're all friends here.

Reese's In Pieces Campaign - A Call to Action

I had another post scheduled for today, but sometimes when something tragic happens you have to put everything else aside--yes, even 3rd grade journal entries--to engage in discussions about it. To try to make sense of it all and work through it with others. This is one of those times.

Usually this little blog of mine takes a humorous tone. Usually I highlight the absurdity of weird news stories or criticize celebrities for their insanity (which they totally deserve).

But not today.

No, today is about something serious.

Sunday I found out that Reese Witherspoon had been arrested for interfering with her husband's DUI arrest.

^ Real live mugshot. Of Reese Witherspoon.

I know. Not only is it shocking, but it is disheartening.

This is not the Reese we know and love. This is not the Reese who accepted the 2011 MTV Generation Award*, proclaiming that it is possible to make it in hollywood as a "good girl." This is not the Reese who starred in Sweet Home Alabama and Legally Blonde and other more serious movies I haven't seen because I don't watch serious movies.

This is a warning sign. A cry for help.

Clearly Reese is going through something, and it is in times like these we must stand behind our most respected celebrities and offer our support.

Think about those poor mini-Phillipes and the shame they must feel.

And to top it all off, she was a brunette in her mugshot.

I mean, I'm not dissing brunettes or anything--I obviously am one myself--but for Reese to go brunette I think is a reflection of something darker in her life. Something is wrong, here.

So I'd like to call on you, dear blog readers, to come together with me and raise awareness for the plight of Reese Witherspoon.

Let's get Reese back in good graces. Let's help her shake this unfortunate incident and put her back on her feet. Everyone makes mistakes, and we cannot let this one sully her good name.

This is why today I am launching the Reese's in Pieces campaign.

Reese's in Pieces will not only have an awesomely punny name, but also be a catalyst for the revitalization of her career and restoration of her public reputation. Together, we can help Reese return to being the woman society fell in love with so long ago. We can help Reese put those pieces back together. (See what I did there?)

To donate your time or money to the Reese's in Pieces campaign, please call 1-800-N-PIECES** or e-mail Reese directly with notes of encouragement or chastisement (if you have her e-mail address, please let me know).

Please leave your condolences and/or words of encouragement in the comments and I will be sure to get them to someone who may know someone who may know Reese Witherspoon.

*I would just like to register a complaint that I had to watch a mini documentary masquerading as a Dr. Pepper commercial about Pitbull's rise to fame before watching this video. It was terrible. Then the video didn't even work.

**Please do not try to call this number, as it is 100 percent made up by yours truly.

A Letter of Concern for the Biebs ("A Bieber-vention")

Dearest J.Biebs,

Hey, buddy. How's it going? Not so good, huh? Yeah...I've heard some things. Everybody has. I know, I know. You didn't mean for it to go this far. One small slip here, one there, and suddenly you're spiraling into a pit of Lohan-brand shame.

I know this is not who you want to be, and as a loyal Belieber (but not one who will be privy to your delinquent nonsense), I am here to help.

This is an intervention.

I see you out there on that ledge, and I am shimmying my way out the window onto the platform with you in an attempt to talk you down. This, of course, is a metaphor, because there's no way in any scenario across all of time and space I'd be climbing onto a ledge unless it was four feet or less off the ground. That's just dumb.

But we're not here to talk about my potentially dumb decisions. We're here to talk about yours.

Accusations of battery, pot usage, not paying your bodyguards, shirtless Instagram photos, some nonsense about Anne Frank--you've got a streak going here, you know. And Justin, that's not how you were raised.

You know it too, don't you? You try to ignore it because your sweet grandparents don't even use Twitter, but we all know they must be draped in shame.

There, there. It's okay. We're going to take a step back, look at your life, and make some changes…together. Okay?

It's time for some tough love. I only do this because I know you can handle it. Here we go.

First of all, what are you even doing anymore? Society is not your own personal version of The Real World, okay? Do you even know what The Real World is? No, of course you don't, because you were born in 1994.

You can't get on a jumbotron at your concerts and be all like, "BELIEVE" and "NEVER SAY NEVER" and essentially declare "I AM A RESPECTABLE ROLE MODEL" and then turn around and get high and/or spit on your neighbor.

Where is Kenny during all this nonsense? Isn't he supposed to be following you around everywhere and protecting you from blunders like this?

Wait a second, are you DISOBEYING Kenny? How dare you. That man is a saint.

Look, I know being a teenage heartthrob is stressful. We've all been there. But if you need to blow off some steam, how about a nice game of bocce ball or…heaven forbid, reading a BOOK.

Hm? Oh, umm, they're kind of like the Internet but the words are assembled into paragraphs and chapters and then printed on compacted tree pulp and bound together into this thing you can carry around with you.

Anyway, I'm just saying maybe you can get a hobby that doesn't involve illegal substances. I know you're a legal adult now and everything and your mom feels like she has to let you do your own thing and all, but I don't, and I am technically your elder, young man, so listen to me.

Don't follow the path of so many teenage stars before you. People like me have stood behind you for far too long for you to make us look like fools now, okay? Think about US. Think about when people at work are like "hey your boy Bieber looks like he's doing pot and going off the deep end." Think about how that makes us FEEL, Justin. I'll tell you: ashamed. Ashamed that we ever defended you to our peers when they laughed at us for respecting you. Ashamed for endorsing you when you're turning out to be just like the rest of them.

You're making me look bad. The only thing worse than a 24-year-old who openly declares fandom for Justin Bieber is a 24-year-old who openly declares fandom for a pot-smoking, paparazzi-attacking Justin Bieber.

So please, Justin, think of us and make better decisions.

I know you can do it. Don't make me call your grandparents.

Love, Laura

Feel free to post your criticisms and/or encouragements to the Biebs during this…er…transitional time in his life in the comments. It's probably not an official intervention with only one letter anyway. Together we can make a change.

Beyonce and Jay-Z Go to Cuba and Apparently That's Bad

This week in Beyonce news, The Zs got a lot of flack for going to Cuba to celebrate their 5th anniversary, which evidently is a big no-no according to the State Department.

1) Who else is shocked it's been five years since they got married? I swear time goes faster for celebrities. Every time I see a rare paparazzi photo of Blue Ivy carter she's aged like 6 years.

2) Doesn't the rest of the country know who they are? They are Mr. and Mrs. Beyonce Knowles Carter, dang it, and travel sanctions do not apply to them.

If anything I would think this would help our relations with Cuba and maybe even bring democracy to the country. I don't know, Beyonce is powerful. Her most recent song is literally called "Bow Down." I'm willing to bet those girls she wrote the song for who are all thinking they're better than her but totally aren't did exactly what she said.

Plus, did you see her hair in that news clip? It screams "Y'all shut up and let me sunbathe wherever I please; I'm Beyonce effing Knowles. Also I look like an Egyptian goddess."

They are also best friends with the President of this great nation of ours and his lovely wife. Like it even matters where they go or what they do. They could moon Kim Jong Un right in the face and no one would even be mad about it.

In fact I bet we would win countries over in that very instance. Maybe half the world wouldn't even hate us anymore.

So media, State Department, I say to you: let it go. You aren't going to win this one. The worst you can possibly do is make them pay a fine anyway, and they probably won't even have bills small enough to pay it.

Jay-Z will be all like, "Uh, can you break a 10-thousand? Oh, you've never seen a 10 thousand dollar bill before? I forget only super best friends of the 'bams get to carry them. That's what I call them. The 'bams. We tight like that. We bowl in the White House. Anyway just take this 10 thousand and keep the change. Buy yourself like a banana or something." and then they go sell another billion albums, do karaoke at Sasha and Malia's slumber party and rock Blue Ivy to sleep with a song they just wrote.

I mean honestly. I'm not saying anyone is above the law, but come on. Aren't they?

On a semi-related note, what celebrity should we send in next to negotiate with North Korea? I vote anyone but Kate Gosselin.

How "Call Your Girlfriend" Would Really Go Down

Side note: It was really hard to choose which gif I wanted to use. There are a lot.

Robyn.

Sweet, sweet Robyn.

I think it's adorable. Really, I do. If the world were all cupcakes and @insta_kitten photos, this would totally work.

But sadly, it's not, and your song "Call Your Girlfriend" is the most ill-concieved plan ever put to music.

And it's not fair of you to give this advice to a man you supposedly love under the guise of knowing what girls want to hear just because you are one. He is going to take it seriously. And literally. If you haven't noticed, men don't like subtlety and nuance. You have to give it to them straight if you want to elicit any sort of response.

Fortunately, that is exactly what you did. You spelled it out for him phrase-by-phrase.

Unfortunately, it's going to go down in flames.

That poor, naive man of yours is going to listen to your advice, nod his head and go call his girlfriend to break up with her exactly like you said:

"It's time we had a talk."

"Here are some reasons why I like this other girl better than you. There, there, it's not your fault."

"But I just met somebody new. And now it's gon' be me and her. So..."

"Look, don't get upset and start second-guessing everything I've said and done. Ok, now you're upset, but look, I never meant to hurt no one. The only way your heart will mend is when you learn to love again. It won't make sense right now but I'm totally still your friend, y'know? I'm letting you down easy!"

On what planet would this girl not immediately hang up the phone, drive to his house and promptly punch this guy in the face? She'd probably demand to know what the heck he was thinking.

"Look, Robyn told me this was the best way to handle it! At least I didn't tell you how she gives me something I never even knew I missed! Or how different it is when we kiss!"

Punched again. This time in the gut.

"I thought I was [GASP] letting you down [GASP] easy...[GASP]"

I mean seriously. What ever happened to sisterhood and solidarity and all that?

Come on, Robyn. Help a girl out. Don't make a guy cheat on his girlfriend with you and then try to act all understanding of the girl's feelings.

You gave up that right when you made out with whatshisface. You don't get to be like, "aw poor girl just tell her it's not her fault and let her down easy." No. You tell him to face her like a man (NOT over the phone), tell her exactly what he did and then immediately turn around and run fast because of the aforementioned punching that will inevitably ensue.

Gah.

I'm so disappointed in Robyn's boyfriend. Like this was actually going to end well. Plus he's just going to hate Robyn for giving him that terrible advice in the first place, and then he's going to be girlfriend-less.

First he had two, now he has none.

No one wins when Robyn is involved.

What can we learn from this scenario?

1) Do not cheat on your significant others. Especially with women who wear fur coats and dance around telling you how to break up with said significant other.

2) Do not take advice from Robyn. She is woefully misinformed and clearly unable to foresee the potential for negative outcomes.

What would you do if someone broke up with you like this?

R.I.P. "Going Viral"

Since the dawn of social media, videos, images and songs have circulated around the Internet. As years passed, the speed at which these things traveled increased dramatically. Videos began accumulating hundreds of thousands of views in a matter of weeks…then days…then hours. Soon the mainstream media and the rest of society needed a term to describe the act of "being viewed by a crap ton of people in a short span of time."

Thus the term "going viral" was born.

It was a status to which all videos and other forms of media aspired. Once you "went viral," you knew you had made it (or at least your boss finally considered your social media stats as legitimate "ROI"). Though the line between being just an average video and one that has "gone viral" was never precise, there was a clear distinction between a video nearly everyone had seen and a video only a small community had viewed.

And that was fine for a while. It made sense and helped us to quantify a video's perceived success without referring to it as the aforementioned "viewed by a crap ton of people."

But over the last couple years, the number of people on the Internet has grown, and the percentage of those people who are utilizing social media skyrocketed.

Because of this, videos travel faster than ever (and fizzle out just as fast), and so many videos are viewed by so many people that more videos "go viral" now than ever.

As a result, every day of my life on CNN I see "so-and-so video goes viral."

Kid President. Harlem Shake. That video where the guy sings about what happens to Disney princesses after the movies.

It's not news if it happens every day, CNN.

And you know what? This DOES happen every day. Videos "go viral" constantly. That's just what the Internet IS now.

So I propose we retire that term altogether. It has lost all meaning because we've used it so much.

It's kind of like when someone calls everything "epic" or "amazing" and then when something really is amazing, like an elephant riding a unicycle, it doesn't mean anything anymore.

It's not a perfect metaphor, because unlike the above scenario, I don't think we can rein it in and only apply it to certain videos or memes who reach a certain standard. They all reach that standard.

So let's just get rid of it altogether and say "this video exists on the Internet." Or something. I think that's more accurate. The "and a lot of people have seen it" part is pretty much assumed, if you're talking about it.

Going viral is no longer anything special, society. It's just not. Let's let this term die with the harlem shake.

What's your favorite video on the Internet?

Half-Court Shots

Sometimes it seems like everyone in the world is competing with one another. Every individual person is stacked up against each other. Sometimes it feels like we're pretty alone even when we're in an arena full of people. I think particularly in our country we are raised to be individuals, pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, suck it up and keep on keepin' on. There's a part of that that's really great. Our country is one of the few in which the way you grow up doesn't necessarily dictate the way the rest of your life will play out. I hope that's always the case.

But when you learn to separate yourself from others and compete for jobs, boyfriends, whatever they win on WipeOut...it's hard to feel like we're all on the same team.

Sometimes moments come along that remind us we actually are. On the same team, that is. The team being humanity and creations of the Most High God.

One event in particular exemplifies this sense of unity in a way I've rarely seen duplicated: the sunk half-court fan shot.

Half-court shots bring people together. I'm telling you.

You can have the fiercest of rivals packed into an arena together. The person on the court may be wearing colors you absolutely despise and refuse to dress your child in for fear they might rub off on him.

But the moment that ball is soaring through the air, perfectly in line with the basket, something starts to take over. You stand. Your heart flutters. Your jaw drops. You freeze for a split second and visualize it going in, as if that will help make it happen. You're...rooting for him, and you don't even know him.

Then suddenly: SWISH.

The entire crowd yells in victory with the stranger who just won tuition or pizza for life or money for his wife's hospital bills. Someone like YOU just made that near-impossible shot. It's incredible.

And for the smallest moment in time, no one is jealous.

No one hates that guy.

No one wishes they were at home watching Scrubs reruns.

Because something truly amazing just happened, and even though you had nothing to do with it, you were somehow a part of it.

So you cheer and jump and laugh and clap.

YOU GO, STRANGER GUY. YOU GO.

In that moment--you're all on the same team.

After a few minutes the excitement fades and you go back to hating your rival and complaining about the long line at the concession stand.

But for one split second, you were family.

That's why I love half-court shots.

SkyMall Highlights, March 2013 Edition

Last week, as you may have noticed, I did a lot of galavanting. Usually I don't travel much for work, but for some reason last week took me straight from New Orleans to DC back to Nashville via plane. This also means [drumroll please...] SKYMALL COMMENTARY. Aw yeah, you guys. It's that time again.

So here we go...SkyMall "Early Spring 2013" Highlights, commentated by yours truly. [Read the first edition here.]

In what universe is killing a squirrel a sign of brawn, particularly to the extent that one would display this accomplishment on the wall for all to see? Even in West Monroe, Louisiana, this would be unacceptable. Phil Robertson just kills squirrels because he's bored during a pet photoshoot with Mrs. Kay and her terriers. No one is impressed. I mean, okay, we're impressed with Phil, but even he wouldn't display a squirrel on his wall like it's something to brag about.

And this particular squirrel looks like his soul is lurking behind those resin eyes waiting for revenge. They even included the ARMS, for goodness' sake. I'm no hunter--in fact I think I would be the opposite--but in my limited experience with mounted taxidermy trophies, I have never seen half a deer sticking out of a wall. Faux dead squirrels should be no exception. It's just creepy.

For the person in your life you would do anything for...except hold an umbrella while they strap in the kids.

What time is it? I DON'T KNOW, okay, mystical clock? Why all the mind games? Who needs this kind of stress in their lives? This is like the opposite of a digital clock.

What's a bed bug thwarting sleeping cocoon, you might ask? It's that thing where your paranoid neighbor wraps himself in an impenetrable fabric sac at night so as to prevent bed bugs from sinking their little teeth into him as he sleeps. Did you know bed bugs have teeth? Well, you do now, thanks to SkyMall. I don't know about you, but I don't appreciate their scare tactics. Also weren't bed bugs a thing like three years ago? Wasn't it kind of like an anthrax type deal? I could be wrong.

What if there is a fire and you are trapped in your bed bug thwarting cocoon? What if you are struggling to get out and you fall off the bed and are unable to escape? What if in the fortunate event that a fireman comes in to save you, you have to explain to him what this monstrosity is and that you thought a bed bug attack was more likely than a fire, which is a real thing that happens? These are questions you need to ask yourself before investing in one of these glorified pillowcases. (Though high five to the copy writer who chose to use the word "thwarting" in a SkyMall catalog.)

Just…no. This whole bacon thing is really starting to grind my gears. It's like, okay, it was cute and ironic for like 4 minutes, but we're done here, y'know?

I imagine this necklace would be worn by someone in a movie like National Treasure or Eagle Eye and the necklace would serve as instructions for the protagonist and a clue to the overall plot. She may or may not be a love interest but would most definitely be dragged around against her will throughout the entire film.

Dustbuster? More like GHOSTBUSTER. (Stop it. You're too kind. Seriously I'll be here all week.]

So these shoes are for...clumsy hippies? Seriously--toe bumpers? I mean I am clumsy but not once in my life have I thought to myself, "man, I really wish these shoes had toe bumpers." Oh and also they are the ugliest things I've ever seen. And cost $80.

This is technically an ad on the back of the magazine, but I just couldn't not comment on it. First of all, is or is not that blonde girl plotting to kill the American girl singing karaoke in French because she secretly loves the dumb guy in the middle and thinks American girl is stealing him away from her? Is it a love triangle and this rando ginger is just happy to be there, blissfully unaware of the situation? And why is this girl SO ecstatic about singing French karaoke? I get the feeling she laughs like Fran Drescher or Janice from Friends. Ugh. This kind of thing is why they hate us.

Until next time…

What's the worst/best thing you've seen in SkyMall? Do you have any other observations about these items I missed?

Video Games Just Got Creepier (Starring Willem Dafoe)

As if video games weren't getting creepy enough with their too-close-to-real-life animation (see 30 Rock for a breakdown of animation creepiness), one particular game has decided to take it a step further and not only have such animation but recreate real live actors within the game, and then tout them as the stars. So instead of either a) just filming them in real life or b) just having them be voice actors, the creator of this game decided, hey, let's make this harder than we actually have to and recreate every minute detail of these actors' faces and mannerisms and have them actually star in the game.

I can just hear the pitch.

"Guys, so it's like it's a movie, but you can CONTROL it. I mean the line is totally blurred, you know? That's the GENIUS of it. What? No. No one will think it's creepy or unnecessary. It's the new frontier! Let's spend years of our lives making this happen so that we can make trailers for our video game and use the names of famous actors to get people to buy it."

It's just a new level of creepy, really. Why do we need an animated Willem Dafoe and Ellen Page in our lives? Why? If they voice acted you could still use their names. Why spend what I can only imagine was months upon months designing their faces just so the people themselves would actually be in the video games?

Do gamers care about this sort of thing? Is this an attempt to draw movie-goers in to gaming? I just don't know what the angle is here. Especially because it seems like the target audience is my age group (do teenagers even know who Willem Dafoe is?), and if we're not into video games by now, chances are we're not going to be.

The only other explanation is that they accidentally shrunk down Ellen Page and Willem Dafoe and inserted them into a video game and now they are trapped in this world and have to live the rest of their lives in whatever (apparently gritty) scenario they were dropped into.

Now that would be a movie I'd watch. Maybe.

I'm just saying who is next? This is a gateway to a new platform for celebrities. (Let's not even mention the poor video game voice-actors and avatars yet to be created that are now effectively out of a job.)

Ben Affleck? Scarlett Johanson? You KNOW James Franco is already on it. He's got like 6 minutes left in his day he needs to fill with something other than sleep, and this seems just weird enough that it'd be right up his alley.

I'm just not ready for this kind of nonsense. It's creepy and a lot of unnecessary extra steps in my opinion. But hey, I'm just a humble blogger offering unsolicited commentary on….everything. What do I know?

Do you think this is an added value to a video game or a total waste of time and energy? Who would you actually want to see shrunk down inside a video game? I actually think James Franco would feel at home there. Then maybe he'd stay there and leave us alone.

Reality Shows We Would Actually Watch

Because I am galavanting around the deep south and our nation's capital doing work-type things all week, today's post comes from my Internet-pal-turned-real-life-pal Elizabeth Hyndman. She's a great writer and regularly gives back to the community by helping us with our small talk skills on Mondays, sharing things she likes on Tuesdays, and on Fridays introducing us to the greatest videos to ever exist. She also makes me feel better about being so invested in The Bachelor knowing I'm not the only one. You should read her blog and follow her on Twitter.

...And say nice things about her in the comments because she is saving you from reading a post consisting only of a video of a little girl explaining world war 2 (pretty much my go-to feel-good video).

[the above is what we currently have on reality TV--for reference]

America. Listen. I don't know if you're aware of this, but we will now watch pretty much anything on TV.

We will watch people drive trucks across ice. We will watch rednecks do redneck things. We will watch people cook, people sing, people dance, people sew, paint, put tattoos on each other, have 19 children. And lately, we will even watch celebrities learn to high dive and regular people compete for ordinary jobs.

I would judge, but I've spent way too many hours this year watching and talking about 25 women competing for the love of one man.

So, I'm going to take the if-I-can't-beat-'em-join-'em approach and pitch a few show ideas. Hollywood, some of these are actually good. TLC, you can find my contact information on my blog (#ShamelessPlug).

1. The People of People Really, any big magazine will work, I just thought The People of People was a good working title. You combine celebrities, journalists, photographers, fashion, and the fast-pace of a weekly deadline, and you have a show. This might be my favorite show that's not on television.

2. Airport I can see this going three ways. One, it's a somewhat-scripted show about the people working at the airport. We get insight to the drama that is being a TSA employee, a pilot, a flight attendant, etc. They all see crazy stuff. It would be fascinating.

Two, you turn it into a game show. You take footage of the airport and have people play those classic people-watching games: What's Their Relationship, Man or Woman, Read Their Lips, Where's Waldo?, and so on. People win vacations if they're correct.

Third, you could just play footage of the airport. Like, an entire channel of television just switches from cameras located in the baggage claim, the gates, and the security line. I'd watch it.

3. Small Town Diner You know those old diners that everyone eats at in the movies? The kind with truckers, and regulars, and waitresses that call everyone Hon' and offer them pie? Find one of those and film it.

4. A Church I work in a church and trust me: reality. show. gold. The drama. The comedy. The cast of unusual people. The church has it all. Plus, reality shows love Christians (Duggars, Duck Dynasty, Rev Run, etc.).

5. Behind the Scenes of a Reality Show This is kind of meta, but I really want to get to know the people who work on reality shows. I mean, the camera men that follow these families around, missing their own Christmases to film other people's, hanging out with Sean in the shower, going on those whale-hunting trips. It's a dangerous job, and they deserve credit. Really, the entire reality show process is fascinating, and I'd love to see how it all works.

So, there are five pitches for you, TV executives. Just have your people call my...iPhone and we'll figure something out.

Do you have any ideas for a reality show? Which of these would you be most likely to watch?

Hot Air Balloons: Magical Joyride or Floating Death Trap of Death?

Hey guess what guys, cancel your proposal plans and your children's dreams, because hot air ballooning is no longer safe. I KNOW I KNOW.

The cutest mode of transportation to ever have been invented, and it's ruined.

You may not have heard about this because it is possibly the most depressing thing I've ever read. Nothing about hot air ballooning is supposed to be unnerving.

I mean sure, you're floating above the earth in a basket the size of a scrabble tile being suspended by only a giant balloon, but it's ADORABLE.

You are literally floating in a colorful balloon, I assume in the arms of your true love. Or just a rich guy who can afford extravagant first dates. Or the bachelor.

These things should not be allowed to literally crash and burn. They should be a metaphor for love and joy and childhood and that is it.

I mean look at this photo my friend Jess* took in Turkey:

Hot air balloons are magical and should not be associated with death.

That's why I find this story of 19 people dying in a hot air balloon crash in Egypt so cruel and ironic. NOT COOL, universe.

No one should die in a hot air balloon accident. Get comically caught in a tree? Sure. Fall out three feet above the ground before they even untie the ropes? Fine. But die? Absolutely not.

What are we supposed to tell the guy from Up? Like all of a sudden balloons aren't a reliable mode of transportation anymore? Gah.

This is a real quote from the article:

"By Tuesday afternoon, the number of dead had climbed to 19, making it the world's deadliest hot air balloon accident in at least 20 years."

World's Deadliest Hot Air Balloon Accident? Which implies there have been several other deadly hot air balloon accidents? This is an outrage.

Why is no one warning us about the dangers of hot air balloons? Why are they not emblazoned with skulls and crossbones and "enter at your own risk" and "seriously people die doing this"? They shouldn't be decorated like beach balls if they're actually floating death traps.

I'm just saying they should be more upfront about their dangers instead of projecting this air of enchantment and beauty.

Now, I've never been in a hot air balloon, but I'm thinking maybe now I never will. I'm slightly afraid of heights (more just falling from them), so it was iffy beforehand anyway.

I'll just watch the rest of you daredevils from afar. Godspeed.

Have you ever been in a hot air balloon? If not, would you now?

*Jess has a cool lifestyle/travel/fashion blog and you should follow it. :) She also obviously takes great photos.

Jennifer Lawrence for President

By now we can all agree that Jennifer Lawrence is the best person to have ever gotten famous, right?

I think it's undeniable at this point. All the Oscars did was provide her an even bigger platform to be awesome.

[I'd also like to point out, as a side note, that she is 22 and Adele is 24. I just...I don't even know what to do with that. Except rock back and forth and re-evaluate what I'm doing with my life.]

I think the thing we admire about her most is her frank honesty. She says what everyone else is thinking and would say if they felt like it was "okay" to do so. Instead they just suck it in, smile and tell everyone what designer made their dress and go practice their golf clap for the award ceremony.

At something like the Oscars, people expect you to be poised and graceful and fancy. Jennifer Lawrence, like most celebrities, is not poised and graceful and fancy in real life, so she doesn't try to be. Thats what I love.

The Oscars, to me, just looks like a bunch of celebrities--a group not usually known by their class--trying to hold it all together and pretend be classier than they actually are for one night a year. All of a sudden it's like Ben Affleck was never in Gigli and Amanda Seyfried DIDN'T play a girl who tried to predict the weather with her breasts in Mean Girls.

But I guess they're actors so they can do that. They get paid to pretend. Grammys on the other hand get Kanye interrupting Taylor Swift. I mean come on. (To be fair they tried to class it up this year by implementing a dress code, but as we all know Katy Perry saw that more as a suggestion and all was for naught.)

Anyway. What I love about Jennifer Lawrence is she shatters all of that.

She breaks the 4th wall constantly. When everyone else is trying to maintain a false sense of propriety, Jennifer is just like, "Uh guys what are we doing here. Just cut the crap and be normal."

Exhibit A:

When the press asks her what happened when she fell down, her response was essentially, "What do you mean what happened? I tried to walk up stairs in this dress. And they wax the stairs."

When they ask her if she thinks it's a good thing that she's so successful already at 22, she says "I hope so! I mean...I guess we'll see!" and then the jerk goes on to say "you're not worried that you peaked too soon?" and she says "Well NOW I am! God..."

Just the best.

I love that her frank answers to the dumb questions totally unravel them for the dumb questions they are.

She ignores the nonsense diplomatic approach celebrities usually try to employ and just answers like a normal person.

Jennifer Lawrence: the only normal person in Hollywood.

And that's why we all love her. Plus she gets to be called JLaw, which is pretty cool.

You can see more of her being awesome in this compilation of gifs and pictures from the Oscars.

What was your favorite JLaw moment?

Vin Diesel Stars in The Most Awkward Video of All Time

One of the presents the Internet gave us all for Valentine's Day last week is this video of Vin Diesel singing Rihanna's woe-is-me-I-still-date-Chris-Brown-out-of-pure-defiance song, "Stay."

Because the Internet is a nonsensical place, I'm overlooking the mere fact that this video exists (and was posted--on purpose-- by Vin himself) and moving on to analyzing it.

I maintain that even with all the bad vlogging and the Harlem Shaking and the amateur music videos floating around on YouTube, this uncomfortable performance might still be a lead contender for Most Awkward Video of All Time.

First of all, he's standing alone in the corner of what appears to be some sort of hotel ballroom or private dining area at an Italian restaurant where I can only assume he has brought and set up his own projector and PA system just to perform this drag of a song for whatever ragtag group he's assembled there.

Second of all, he sounds like a super villain lamenting mid-movie soliloquy-style, where he is either about to have a change of heart or sink even deeper into his despair-driven evil ways. It's like he's some kind of sinister Jean Val Jean with a really, really fat frog in his throat.

I want to know for whom he is performing in this video.

Is it a secret supervillain society board meeting? Or is he just showing off for his extended family? Or did he rent this room solely to make this video and there is actually no audience at all?

Moving on, we soon get a taste of Vin Diesel's falsetto. Oh, the falsetto. Who told Vin Diesel it was a good idea to sing Rihanna in his head voice?

You may also notice that in addition to singing like a small child, he is doing so on top of the existing Rihanna track. You're seriously telling me he couldn't afford to splurge on the karaoke version or get a friend who knows audio engineering to take out the vocals for him?

I mean, honestly Vin. Go big or go home, I say.

Finally, he refers to Valentine's Day as V-Day. Verbally. I refuse to accept that. You've already wasted three minutes of our lives with the rest of this mockery, what's one more second to say "alentine's"? Were you trying to maintain some loosely-defined street cred? Because I think you've gone too far into the red on that to have any hope of breaking even by 2014.

I just don't know what he was trying to accomplish with this. Women are not impressed. Men are simply offended. Who was he trying to win over? Rihanna fans? (I don't know where they are, but I assume they still exist.) If I were one, I'd have probably just yelled at you to shut up and let the Rihanna sing.

The video has now been removed by the user (shocking), so I guess he actually watched it back at some point. I suppose he'll just have to go back to filming whatever Fast & Furious movie they're on now. 8, I wanna say? If they'll have him. Godspeed, Vin Diesel. Godspeed.

What's the most awkward YouTube video you've seen? (put a link in the comments so we can all be uncomfortable together)

Twitter + Tornado Warnings = BFFs

Custom artwork by yours truly

Note: This is what happens when there are no stock photos of a Twitter bird hugging a tornado. Am I expected to do all the work around here?

I'm a worrier by nature. I'm also a rule-follower. Therefore when the "National Weather Service has issued a tornado warning for Davidson County," I take cover.

I'm not going to be the person who saw there was a warning, ignored it, and is then on the 6:00 news looking all disheveled and traumatized saying "well it had never happened before so I didn't do anything and then my roof blew off and a brick smacked me in the face. Also it sounded like a freight train."

Over the last year or so I've managed to reign it in to minor butterflies rather than borderline panic attack, so I say that's progress. But I often still find myself thinking, "THIS COULD BE IT. THIS COULD BE THE TIME. No one ever thinks it will happen to them but SOMETIMES it does!"

It's possible that because 90 percent of the things you worry about never happen to you (or so they say), I am single-handedly protecting the Nashville area with my hyper-awareness. You can thank me by sending edible arrangements and muffin baskets if you want. Or bring me coffee. I like double vanilla lattes with skim milk.

Anyway, what I've noticed recently is that yet another glorious thing on the long list of reasons why I love Twitter is that it makes storms less scary.

Suddenly it's not just you and your cat huddled in the tiny hallway bathroom, but you and thousands of other people doing the same thing: grumbling about being woken up, commentating on the local weather people, trying to determine what level of frightened you should be.

We've become a community.

NashSevereWX is a huge part of that.

If you don't live in Nashville, or if you do but you just boycott Twitter for some nonsensical reason, this guy (though I think there are now two) has a day job but still pours immense amounts of time and effort into live-tweeting weather updates specifically for Nashville. He makes maps with helpful arrows, he narrows it down by neighborhood, and most of all, he has perfect bedside manner. He tells us what we need to know without scaring us. He tells us if we should wake up our kids or let them sleep. (I of course use "our" very broadly, here.) He tells us when each neighborhood can safely go back to sleep, even if the siren is still going off. He responds personally to nearly everyone's questions. I think he even has all of his own equipment, and he does it out of the goodness of his heart. It truly is amazing.

We can all sleep soundly knowing NashSevere is out there, watching over us. He's basically Batman.

I think all of Nashville should pool together our money and get him the largest-amount gift card of all time to say thank you. How do you say thank you for something like that?

Anyway, between him and the rest of Nashville all tweeting and Instagramming our little hearts out at 3am, it really makes Nashville feel a lot smaller. And somehow safer. And almost...fun.

I KNOW I KNOW. It's ludicrous.* Sideways rain and howling winds are occasionally one percent fun for me. And that wouldn't be possible without Twitter.

Do you look at Twitter during storms? ALSO are you one of those who sleeps through bad weather or are you a vigilante like me?

*REAL TALK: I attempted to spell that word "Ludacris," and genuinely didn't know what the alternative was. So there's that. Thanks a lot, Luda. Aca-awkward.

Vine: The New Silent Film, or Another Vehicle for Cat Videos?

I'm trying really hard to figure out Vine, you guys. At first I didn't really know how people would use it and it seemed a little like the sketchville SnapChat app Facebook is trying to make happen, but now that I've seen some cool ones, it seems fun and like it would have a lot of the same qualities I love about Twitter.

But so far I've pretty much only posted cat videos.

Yep, I've become that person.

Please try not to judge me too harshly. At least they're only 6 seconds long. (Even if they do loop indefinitely.)

(Our cat is orange and has an old-timey name [Beckett] and plays FETCH, okay? That makes him better than approximately 80 percent of cats by default...right? Is anyone still reading this?)

I think perhaps it is harder to use because, from what I've gathered, in order for it to be anything more than just a dumb ol' TwitVId (something I'm basically using it for--so 2011 of me), you have to plan it out in advance. You have to know what you want your end product to be before you start, especially if you're planning on capturing a few seconds here and there to sum up an entire experience.

It takes even more preparation than arranging inanimate objects for an Instagram photo, because this time you have to arrange multiple things and film them in intervals.

But hey, I'm not above that. If I had anything interesting to Vine, I would totally be all over it.

Anyway, all that to say, even though I clearly haven't mastered Vine yet, I have made one particular observation about the app.

I think Vine is the new silent film.

Not in the same way MP3s replaced CDs, because silent films haven't existed in like...70 years or something, right? I'm bad at estimating.

But I do know to even get remotely close to explaining Vine to someone from the generation of silent films (I guess in this scenario you'd have a time machine or a TARDIS*), you'd have to explain cell phones, then the Internet, then smart phones, then apps and social media, and that would just be exhausting.

So maybe it's more like the rebirth after a long hibernation of the silent film or maybe it's like a horcrux of a silent film. I don't know. Just go with it.

Most people (out of like, the 12 Vines** I've seen) are using it to film a sequence of inanimate objects and/or scenes without any narration, or they're recording frame-by-frame time lapse videos. Occasionally I'll see one of a kid talking or some music, but most are silent.

I like it. I think it forces you to be creative visually, because really, what can you explain in six seconds? A Vine is worth 8 million words. Or something like that.

Just like Twitter forces people to be witty due to its required brevity, Vine will force people to use snapshots of film to tell a story (even if it's about cats or pizza).

I'm excited to see how people use it and how it evolves.

I think it has major potential. There are people out there far more creative than I am, and I'm excited to see what they come up with. So I can copy it.

By the way, if you have discovered a cool way to use Vine, please let me know in the comments. My friend Elizabeth and I need help conquering this thing. Don't worry, we've already written a letter to them about being able to save drafts and come back to the app without losing segments. So we're looking out for you. (By that, I mean Elizabeth is, because she's the one that actually wrote the letter. I'm just the person standing behind her yelling "Yeah! Do that!" and taking half credit.)

Have you used Vine yet? Whether yes or no, what do you think?

*I am now watching Dr. Who. I blame my husband. But I mean, HOW charming is Matt Smith? **(also is Vine a verb and a noun like Instagram? I'm treating it as such.)

You can follow me on Vine @laura_mcclellan. Y'know, if you like cats or share my frustration with spinny-rainbow wheels.