The Paradox of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Let's talk about him for a minute. Is there any single celebrity who makes less sense as a human being? He's a walking contradiction, and yet he still manages to succeed. I'm intrigued. I want to know how he does it.

Let's take a look at the scorecard, shall we?

(With a little help from my good friend Wikipedia, of course. Fun facts, by the way: Wikipedia separates his entry into "The Rock" and "Dwayne Johnson" and gives them individual side bars. Also his credits under "Dwayne Johnson" are as follows: actor, wrestler and ---wait for it---philanthropist.)

1. Born with the name Dwayne. -1
2. Played college football. +2
3. Began his career as a successful professional wrestler and dubbed himself "The Rock." +1
4. Hosts SNL in 2000, launching his acting career. [spoiler alert: this is where it starts getting iffy.] +2
5. Appears in the Mummy movies. [neutral]
6. Cast as the lead in a Johnny Bravo film, but it is canceled during production [sad trombone]. -3
7. Appears in an episode of the Disney Channel's Corey in the House in an episode called "Never the Dwayne Shall Meet." -7
8. Plays supporting role [Agent 23] in Steve Carrell's Get Smart. +1 (I guess.)
9. Plays "The Rock Obama" on SNL. +3
10. Headlines the movie "The Tooth Fairy"…playing The Tooth Fairy. -8 billion
11. RETURNS TO WRESTLING and people still take him seriously. I just…I don't even know how to score that. -10 to wrestling, +10 to The Rock for pulling it off.

How do you play The Tooth Fairy, then turn around and be a wrestler again? Why did the other wrestlers not just beat him up on the spot, call him a pretty boy, take his lunch money and tell him to go home? What is this power he has over society that he is taken seriously in both acting AND wrestling? I want to know what he knows.

Maybe Dwayne The Rock Johnson has figured out the secret to success. Maybe he has all the answers, guys. Or maybe he's secretly a wizard and casts spells on people so that they will just let him keep doing stuff. Maybe all the executives have all been put under the imperious curse! Oh no…Dwayne The Rock Johnson is a death eater!

Wait…wait…no. That's not real. That's just Harry Potter again. Sorry guys. Sometimes I forget what's real and what's Harry Potter.

Anyway.

All that to say, Dwayne, I don't know what your angle is or how you are managing this dual persona, but I salute you. I won't watch your movies and I don't like wrestling, but I salute you.

Who's your favorite athlete-turned-actor? I call Michael Jordan in Space Jam. (SNL counts as acting.)

A Picture is Worth 1000 Words: Nicki Minaj's Eyeballs

This is the 2nd installation of the "Picture is Worth 1000 Words" series, which I just invented because this is the 2nd one I've posted. Here's the first. 

Sorry for assaulting your eyes with this image, but it had to be done. We have to talk about this. And by "talk about it," I mean describe what could possibly be happening in this picture. Besides "advertising Pepsi." Because that's what she actually IS doing. I know, I don't get it either. I don't pretend to understand the executives at Pepsi. If they made any sense whatsoever, they would have given up a long time ago when they realized Coke is and forever will be superior, and no amount of sparkles or pink hair will distract us enough to change that.

ANYWAY. Here are my guesses as to what is happening in this photo:

1. Nicki Minaj is making eye contact with a baby and over-acting the enthusiasm.
2. Nicki Minaj is trying to hypnotize us.
3. Despite her mother's warnings, Nicki Minaj kept making this face and inevitably her eyes did, indeed, get stuck that way.
4. This is actually a statue of Nicki Minaj in Madam Tousseau's wax museum.
5. Nicki Minaj just found out she lost everything in the stock market right before going on stage and is doing a terrible job of leaving it at the door.
6. Nicki Minaj is conducting a science experiment to see if she can actually will her eyeballs to pop out of her skull on command as part of her act.
7. Nicki Minaj just caught her boyfriend in the crowd making out with a waitress and is trying not to break character.
8. The corset top Nicki Minaj is wearing is squeezing her torso so tightly that it is making her eyes bulge, not unlike one of those orangey-yellow rubber squeeze toy creatures with the red ears you'd find on the shelves at the Cracker Barrel store.
9. Her eyelashes got stuck to her face.
10. Nicki Minaj just sat on the business end of a giant stiletto being used as a stage prop.

Your turn. What do YOU think is happening in this picture?

Top Three Headlines Featuring Backstreet Boy Members

You know how lately you've been sitting on your tufted window seat day after day, peering through the rain-streaked window while you hold a warm cup of coffee in both hands and ponder to yourself, "what have the Backstreet Boys been up to these last few months?" Well, ponder no more, because I have come with the answers you seek.

Now that the dust has settled on that whole misguided NKOTBSB debacle, three primary bits of news have surfaced:

1. A.J. and his wife are having a baby! Never mind what kind of questions his son will ask when he sees the pictures of his father in the late 90's (or even 2012, as evidenced by the fact that he is still keeping the whole guy-liner dream alive). This is still a joyous occasion. Babies are cute. I'll go ahead and be honest, this is the most legitimate news I've got for you. It kind of just goes downhill from here. But no matter, I'll carry on.

2. Kevin is BACK! Oh, you didn't know he left? Well, he did. And he's BACK. I guess grown-up life after BSB wasn't working out for him. [SIDE NOTE: when are they going to change their name to Backstreet Men? I think when your oldest member is 40, you need to reevaluate.]

Can we just talk about the picture that went with this article for a second?

Look at Nick. Just look at him. He's wearing a bow tie (duh, because he's the fun-loving quirky one) and shooting a douchey look at the camera. Ugh. I used to love you, Nick Carter. What have you become? You're letting an entire generation down.

Brian is clearly giving Nick the Stink-eye Stare-down, like if he brought his 15-year-old brother to a cool college party and had to keep elbowing him and saying, "DUDE. BE COOL." Which is totally what I think he's muttering in this picture.

A.J. looks unmistakably uncomfortable in a suit, despite the ironic tank top he's wearing under it. He looks like he's trying to stay perfectly still so he doesn't mess it up. Or maybe he's hoping no one sees him.

And Howie...well, Howie looks like he knows something we don't know. Actually, he could be the mastermind behind this whole thing. We'd never even know or care because it's commonly accepted that Howie is irrefutably the #5 ranking in BSB at any given moment---even without Kevin. They just keep that #4 spot empty to ensure the appropriate amount of space between Howie and the other three.

Okay, back to the news.

3. Nick is making terrible cameos on terrible T.V. shows! Apparently Nick fancies himself an actor and is trying to get back into it (you read that correctly) after "touring like crazy" (see aforementioned NKOTBSB lapse in judgment). All he could get was a cameo in the currently-on-the-air version of 90210. And he's not even believable as himself, guys. Nick: If you can't be yourself on camera, how do you expect to be someone else? I suggest pulling a J.C. and going to judge a dance competition with Lil Mama. At least then you'd have to act like you knew something about dance. Which is kind of the same, right?

I have no idea what Brian is up to lately. Probably questioning his life choices. And Howie is apparently just laying low, riding on the coattails of his former success and the charisma of his bandmates. He probably decided to invest in his 401K when he was 22 and is now just sitting back and watching the cash roll in. You go, Howie D.

Who is your favorite Backstreet Man? Or, if you yourself are a man, the one you find least terrible? (Note: *Nsync members do not count as an appropriate answer in any way, shape or form. If you try to pull that, I will have to ask you to leave and come back to me later today with a 1000-word essay on why "I Want It That Way" is the best pop song of all time.)

I'll go first:

Mine's a toss-up between Nick and A.J. Despite Nick's lack of acting skills, he will always hold a special place in my heart. And my 11-year-old self would have none of it if I said otherwise. But there's just something about A.J.'s raspy runs on every BSB song ever recorded that I kind of like the best out of all the unnecessary runs in the land. Besides Beyonce. She owns unnecessary runs. But I digress.

The Best and Worst Things Japan Has Going For It Right Now

THE WORST: The Saddest Invention Ever [article here] The Situation: A Japanese roboticist invented what is essentially a moshi pillow shaped to resemble a human form, in which you can place your cell phone and it will vibrate like a heartbeat while you talk to your loved ones to "enhance your experience" and help you feel better that you're alone. I guess.

Japan. Japan. What are you doing?

I'm sure you had the best of intentions when you started this project: comfort those who are away from their loved ones. Make them feel closer to their family when they speak with them on the phone. Sure. No one's against that.

But…look at you guys. This is just depressing. No self-respecting adult would ever use this product.

I just want to give these people a real hug so they don't have to hug a ghost-shaped pillow with a phone stuck in its head.

I like how the researchers say that the seniors in test groups all hugged the pillow when using it. Like that's an indicator of success. Like anyone could hold that thing any other way. It forces you to hug it. There is literally no where else to comfortably put your hands except around its waist. It forces its sadness upon you.

If you feel like you need to hug a pillow, just hug a pillow, okay? You will be judged far less harshly for hugging a regular pillow than a neon one with an expressionless face, stumpy arms and a mechanical heartbeat.

Is this getting creepier the more I talk about it? I think it is. Let's move on.

THE BEST: Bunny Cafes [video here]

Situation: Japan apparently has cafes in which bunnies just hop around all willy-nilly so you can just scoop one up at your leisure and snuggle it during your lunch break. From what I gather, this is because no one has room for pets in their small Japanese apartments and this makes them feel better about it. (Apparently some of Japan's biggest markets are happiness and snuggles.)

Japan: Now you're speaking my language. High five on redirecting your unconventional fixation on cuddling things into something that's actually useful and cute instead of creepy.

I maintain that I would feel better about life if I got to snuggle a bunny during lunch every day. Wouldn't you?

Never mind all the health code violations this practice would surely incur in the United States. I say throw caution to the wind and let everyone hold a bunny while they eat.

It's got to be like Oprah's favorite things in there. You get a bunny! And you get a bunny! Everyone gets a bunny!

Maybe the people who are having to use the creepy ghost-cushions would feel less sad if they got to hold a bunny every once and a while.

MAYBE these two concepts should just join forces and combat long-distance sadness with bunny love instead of an "overgrown fetus" (an actual term describing that pillow in the article I read).

It could be like a cyber cafe…only with bunnies instead of outdated computers. You could talk on the phone to your boyfriend in Guam and pet a bunny at the same time to make you feel better about the fact that he's in Guam. Genius.

Who do I need to call to make that happen? This one's not even a health code violation. I'm going to be rich.

What other situations do you think bunnies would improve?

I'll go first: DMV's (as long as there were strict rules to prevent the bunnies from being harmed in moments of frustration), any time you try to print something wirelessly, and traffic jams (maybe a traveling bunny cart? I'm just spitballing here).

Five Reasons 3-D Makes Me Hate My Life for 2 Hours

I've already alluded to the fact that I am a late-adopter. I may also be a party pooper. Am I both? That's for you to decide, based on this fact:

I hate 3-D movies.

I hate that it's all the rage and may never go away. I hate that they're trying to phase out 2-D and the rest of us who like the old-fashioned motion pictures by giving us only three show times to choose from in order to see it in 2-D. But do you hear me, movie theaters? I will do it anyway. I will choose the 2-D option until you are only offering one showing at 12:05 p.m. on a Tuesday. I will never surrender.

I just don't see the point.Why are we going through so much trouble to recreate what we see every other second of the day? I see in 3D ALL THE TIME, guys. ALL the time. Do I really need to view animation in 3D? Is 2D just not good enough for me anymore? How many D's do I need to enjoy the Lorax? Who do I think I am?

Sigh. So here some of the reasons why I hate 3-D:

1. You have to wear glasses. On your face. While you're watching a movie. Or else you just can't watch it. GLASSES WEARERS, I ask you: what are you supposed to do? I can only imagine you have to choose between wearing two pairs of glasses on top of one another like a goon and not be able to see anything at all (either due to the lack of real glasses or lack of 3-D glasses). You can't win.
2. The images never QUITE come into focus for me. I think my eyes just get overloaded trying to make the images line up through magic sunglasses while simultaneously keeping up with the action on the screen. It's exhausting. Especially in live action movies. And I'm always AWARE that I'm still wearing the glasses. I never just forget I'm wearing flimsy third-rate Ray-Bans digging into the side of my head. How am I supposed to become invested in Lucy and Edmund's adventure on the Dawn Treader in a series of swashbuckling encounters when it's taking all I have just to focus on them as they dash across the screen?
3. Gimmick shots. For the most part, I feel like filmmakers have toned these down. But every time they make it seem like the audience is peering out from behind the rungs of a ladder or a bird flies by my face, I know they did it solely because the movie is in 3-D. It feels really awkward and forced--like they're saying "hey! Look! In case you didn't notice, those glasses you're all wearing enable you to perceive depth! Isn't it AMAZING? It's like it's COMING RIGHT AT YOU! It's like you're IN the movie!" Ugh.
4. You have to pay more. It takes a lot for me to justify the regular price of movies, let alone 3D. Thirteen dollars to cross my eyes for two hours while I try to distinguish shapes on a giant screen? No thanks.
5. It's quite possible I'm just a (lovable) curmudgeon like Liz Lemon.

I propose we ban it before it goes further. Just put a stop to it right now. I don't want it to reach the point where I have to pay $20 per ticket to be in a virtual reality simulator while I watch the next pixar movie. I just want regular D. Good ol' fashion flat entertainment. Is that too much to ask?

My ONLY exception to this rule is Disney re-releases. Because I will go see Lion King or Beauty & the Beast in theaters in any capacity. Worth it.

The thing about any other movie in 3D is that we don't know if it's going to be worth A) the extra money or B) wearing the aforementioned nerd goggles.

With Beauty and the Beast, there's no question. I'd watch that movie on a big screen any day, even if it was in 4-D and we had to endure the wet-dog smell of the Beast in the scene when it's raining and he's fighting Gaston on the castle roof. Because it's Beauty and the Beast. But the Squeakuel? I'm just not so sure.

You decide: Am I just a party pooper who hates everything fun? Or are you with me on this? Follow-up question: Do you like a movie any less just because you don't feel your heart in your throat when soaring above the city in the opening credits?

Um...who is casting The Talk?

Let's talk about The Talk. I realize how ridiculous that sentence sounds, but I stand by it.

So I just found out this show existed. It's basically The View only sadder.

In watching a clip from the show within an article I was reading, I was overwhelmed by the mediocrity of the cast on this show. Daytime T.V. producers: this is seriously supposed to compete with Ellen? Ellen could wipe the floor with these yahoos.

When Sharon Osbourne comes off as the insightful, wise one, you know you've just slapped this thing together all willy-nilly.

This brings me to a segment I like to call "REALLY?" with Laura McClellan. [Yes, this is a total rip off of SNL. Please don't tell them.]

Really, The Talk? Really? You were created by Rosanne's Daughter. No one knows her real name [Sara Gilbert, BTW], which is why I had to click on it in Wikipedia to even realize who she was. Have we not collectively decided as a society that not only has her prime passed, but also that she is the worst? I don't even know why I think she's the worst. She just looks like she would be.

And not only is Rosanne's Daughter responsible for this monstrosity, she is also one of the cast members. Really? Who heard that pitch and was like, "YES. THIS WILL BE THE BEST SHOW EVER AND TOTALLY TRUMP THE VIEW?" Get real.

And really, Aisha Tyler? I thought you were better than this. You had a recurring role on arguably TV's most beloved sitcom. YOU WERE CHARLIE. And you will always be Charlie in my heart. Which means in my heart, you are an accomplished, sophisticated paleontologist and NOT 1/5 of a televised round-table discussion about Simon Cowell's "goods" or lack thereof (yuck). Don't resign yourself to this kind of mediocrity.

And then there's this lady:

I don't know who she even is, but she is BEARING HER TEETH AT US! DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY AT HER! JUST PLAY DEAD.

I think she's supposed to be The Funny One, but judging from the clip I saw, I think she's really just The "You Go Girl" One.

Then there's Julie Chen, who is supposed to be the "moderator." I think this means she's supposed to act serious and ask questions and have big hair. I don't know. She seems like a definite waste of space.

And really? The original cast included Leah Remini and The Girl From Hairspray (play version)? This is the most ragtag group of non-specials I've ever seen on television.

How bad do you have to be to be fired from The Talk, especially considering who got to stay [see: teeth-bearing intimidation technique above]? I mean, really.

Who wants to listen to these people talk for an hour? NO ONE, that's who. Four people, tops. I might've been able to tolerate Aisha Tyler, but we've already established that I'm disappointed in her.

GO HOME, guys. Just throw in the towel. Really.

Who do you think would make more interesting panelists on a show like this? My votes: LC from The Hills, Stefan from SNL, Beyonce, Neil Patrick Harris, Tina Fey.

MILEY CUT HER FINGER YOU GUYS

[Excuse me a moment while I get all Knox McCoy on you.] Oh em gee. Guys. Are you ready for this? I don't know that you are. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind, because this is going to make it implode.

MILEY CUT HER FINGER. WITH A COOKING KNIFE. [article here]

It's okay, just try to keep breathing. Go get a paper bag if you need to. I'm not sure how that actually helps hyperventilation, but they do it in the movies so it's got to be effective.

I know what you're thinking:

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF HER FINGER AT THE TIME?

Why was she cutting her own food? Don't they know who she is? Does Billy Ray's soul patch know about this?

Why do bad things happen to mediocre people?

Don't worry though. According to the article, this unflattering picture of her suggests that she is uncomfortable, but stable:

Miley, I know it's tough to go through something like this. Especially in the public eye. But like Kelly Clarkson says, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You will rise from the ashes of this tragedy like a phoenix, with a renewed vigor for life and that same perpetual frog in your throat. And we will watch with anticipation and reverence as you continue on your path to self-discovery. Because, as you know, it's all about the climb. (See what I did there?)

Get well soon, Miley. We're all rooting for you.

My Rollercoaster Relationship with Pinterest

I've recently come to the conclusion that I have a highly dysfunctional relationship in my life.

One that started with curiosity and reverie but quickly dissolved into stone-cold silence. The kind where you both just sit at the table glaring at each other with your arms crossed during Thanksgiving until someone else asks you to pass the mashed potatoes or perform that showtune you've been working on (I don't know what kind of Thanksgivings you have).

This relationship is with Pinterest.

Due to the rollercoaster of emotions I've experienced with it over the span of just a few months, I'm harboring some bitterness towards it.

I roll my eyes and scoff every time I see that little P logo somewhere underneath an image. Pin It? YEAH RIGHT. LIKE I WOULD EVER DO ANYTHING WITH YOU EVER AGAIN.

It's bad, guys. I just want things to be the way they used to be.

So I thought I would share with you my experience. Get it all out. Perhaps then Pinterest and I can be reconciled and move on.

So here it is, my relationship with Pinterest, as described by the thoughts in my head at the time:

PHASE 1: In which Pinterest and I are introduced.

What the heck is this? Just pictures? Why is it so "addicting" and why is it so exclusive that I need an invitation? Why is it forcing me to sign up through another social network? How do I unfollow the 80 Facebook friends I am now automatically following on Pinterest? WHY WOULD I MAKE MY OWN SOAP? I DON'T UNDER---oh...this is actually quite nice.

PHASE 2: In which Pinterest and I hold hands and skip through fields of wildflowers while "Do you believe in magic?" plays in the background.

Pin, pinny pin pin. Cute. Cute Cute. Too bad I don't have my own house or crafting skills or a bank account large enough to accommodate all these cute things I'm pinning. Oh well. No matter!

DECLARATION: I WILL NOW BUY ALL MY FURNITURE AT THRIFT STORES AND MAKE IT LOOK AWESOME AND PREPARE GOURMET MEALS USING ONLY STRING CHEESE AND PILLSBURY BISCUITS!

I have also discovered that I love Harry Potter jokes. In any form.

Hm...I wish I had more pins to look at. What's this "Everything" page?

PHASE 3: In which Pinterest and I are BFF and do everything together...until I start to need some space.

Look at all the things!!

I want ALL the things.

Why are there so many of the same things?

I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SEE ALL THE THINGS!

I am feeling overwhelmed that I will never catch up to the things I've already seen.

There are 60 pictures in my field of vision! My eyes don't know where to go first. Left? Right? Up? Down? WHY IS EVERYTHING STAGGERED? What ever happened to nice, neat rows?

SENSORY OVERLOAD. Okay, clearly I cannot handle looking at ALL the things. I will resolve to only look at my FRIENDS' things.

PHASE 4: In which I have intentionally created space between Pinterest and me and it gets kind of awkward.

I have seen all my friends' pins. Some multiple times. But the Everything page clearly gives me the early stages of a stomach ulcer. Sigh. Back to Facebook.

[Awkward Silence]

Oh yeah, I should look at Pinterest! Only two pins since last time I looked? Sigh. Refresh Facebook.

[Longer Awkward Silence]

Oh yeah…Pinterest. Well, I'm probably too far behind now anyway to catch up without revisiting the anxiety I feel looking at the Everything page. CNN it is.

PHASE 5: In which Pinterest gets clingy and I get angry.

Why am I getting 31584 e-mails saying that people I don't know are following me on Pinterest and commenting on some salsa recipe I pinned months ago?

Pinterest, just stop e-mailing me and leave me alone. I've moved on, okay? You're getting dangerously close to MySpace territory, and I can't stand to see you like that.

PHASE 6: In which I break up with Pinterest and attempt to remain acquaintances.

Pinterest, this is hard for me to say, so I'm just going to blurt it out. I turned off my e-mail notifications. I know, I know. But it had to be done. We had some good times, but I just can't do this anymore. Maybe I'll see you around. I hope one day you'll understand.

What is your relationship with Pinterest like? ("Nonexistent" and "I don't understand this post" count.)

This Just In: We're Now Outsourcing Teen Idols

Our country has produced an array of teen pop sensations over the last few decades. David Cassidy. New Kids on the Block. Britney Spears.

We were good at it. The U.S. had the tween market covered--especially in the late 90's. Sure, there were the Spice Girls and probably a couple others who came from across the pond, but I'd say most of the teen idols were from right here in the U. S. of A.

But lately what was formerly our territory is being encroached upon. We're being out-danced here, and America needs to step it up. (In no way did I intend to reference the breakdancing underdog movie "Step It Up." It just happened.)

I present to you three artists who support my theory:

Exhibit A: Justin Bieber

I have nothing but love for J.Biebs. I've seen Never Say Never approximately 5 times. Due to the fact that I own it. Knowing that about me may cause you put me in a certain category in your mind. I'm okay with it. Do what you have to do.

But regardless of how you feel about him, you can't deny that the Biebs is probably the biggest tween pop sensation on the planet right now. And in case you didn't know, Justin Bieber hails from the Great White North. Yep, the reigning prince of pop is Canadian. And that's okay. I'm Canadian, too. (That may also put me in a certain category in your mind, which I'm prepared to deal with. I've been dealing with it for the last 18 years. But that's a story for another time.)

But the top spot in teen idol-dom has traditionally been held by good ol' fashion Americans like Nick Carter and Justin Timberlake, and no one from these here United States is even coming close to competing with the Biebs. Which brings me to my next example.

Exhibit B: One Direction

It seems that One Direction has harmonized their way into our hearts at lightning speed over the last few weeks. I, for one, am sold. What's not to like? Bowties. Suspenders. Very little synchronized arm motions. It's Boy Band 2.0. New and improved. You might think these are just wholesome American kids from the midwest who came to the big city with a dream and a YouTube video. Until you hear them talk. Once you're done swooning, you realize that these are no ordinary pretty teenage boys. These are pretty teenage BRITISH boys. It's the trifecta of hearthrobbiness. American boys don't stand a chance. Point UK. [See their SNL performance here and be won over.]

Exhibit C: Carly Rae Jepsen

Carly's a little different because she's not herself a teen, but I think her fun pop music and the fact that my teenage cousins listen to her qualify her as a teen pop sensation. I found out about Carly via Twitter when Jackson Pearce tweeted videos of herself dancing in the car and singing "Call Me Maybe" on repeat (which I now do). I looked it up and downloaded it almost immediately. I later found out (shock) she got third place on Canadian Idol, therefore making her Canadian. "Call Me Maybe" is in my top 10 songs right now, but she is another example of how Americans are falling behind in this category.

I'm a fan of all the above artists. They all have a special place on my iPod. I applaud Canada and England for producing such quality talent.

But guys, are we just done contributing teen idols to pop culture? What happened to the JoBros? (Seriously, where did they go? I'm asking.) Where is our new Hannah Montana? Are we not going to commit to raising up the next generation of bubblegum pop? How will tween girls know what to cry inappropriately about? And why is Disney dropping the ball on this? Lookin' at you, Bella Thorne.

Are we just going to lie around and let other people (or YouTube) do it for us? That's not the American spirit. Well, maybe it is. But I propose a revival in the teen idol production line. If we work together, we can bring one of our own into the spotlight for their shot at two years of fame and a lifetime of public mishaps. Who wouldn't want that?

So I implore you, future teen pop stars of America, don't give up on your dream. We need you to represent us. Don't let us down.

Who's your favorite teen pop sensation? (Come on, you know you have one.)

Things I Forgot Existed (Until Recently)

The longer I live, and the longer the Internet exists, I have come to realize there is a plethora of things I would have never remembered existed if left unprompted. Thanks to the constant stream of nostalgia the Internet provides, I never have to go very long without remembering (thanks, 90's Girl Problem!). But here are a few things I genuinely forgot existed until I either had a divine revelation or...saw it somewhere. I thought you might enjoy remembering them with me:

Palm Pilots My dad had a Palm Pilot when I was growing up. But Dad's Palm Pilot was not for playing, guys. Not like those new fangled iPhones. It was all business. None of that Draw Something nonsense (Which I rule at, by the way.). Also you had to learn an entire new alphabet in order to write on it with the stylus. That seems unnecessary, but whatever. It was a computer in your pocket.

I'd like to take this opportunity to send out condolences to the Palm Pilot family for being rendered obsolete. You had a good run, and professionals of the 90's everywhere tip their hats to you.

CD-holders for Car Visors I literally remembered these existed only when I saw one recently in a car I passed on the interstate. (I salute you, Old School Twenty-Something, for keeping the dream alive.) Remember that period of time when CD's were the primary medium but iPods hadn't permeated the market yet? When cars still had cassette players in addition to CD players? When 6-CD-Changers were a luxury and they often had to be installed in your trunk? The handy CD holder attached to the sun visor in your car and eliminated all your problems. The double-decker ones even held about 40 CD's. [insert "oooooooo" here] I definitely had one in my first car. It likely included some burned CD's (remember burning CD's?), Coheed and Cambria, Taking Back Sunday, Chasing Victory and Mae. (All artists I still listen to. Not ashamed.)

Purple Ketchup This was a thing. I repeat: this was a thing. I still don't know why. It's not like with other things that were under-appreciated at the time but later recognized for their misunderstood genius. This, as far as I can tell, is still useless.

I vaguely remember in elementary school (ish), Heinz had the bright idea to market purple ketchup to children as The New Thing. Of course, it was probably more expensive than red ketchup and tasted exactly the same, but it was PURPLE, guys. Marketing genius. All you have to do to be successful in the food industry is market it to children (aka make it colorful). Eventually parents will cave at the grocery store. Even if it's purple ketchup. Point: marketing people.

NOTE: In the above picture I just found via Google, it says it is made with real Heinz tomato ketchup. It doesn't say it is real Heinz tomato ketchup. What does the rest of it entail that they couldn't legally call it ketchup? I demand answers, 90's Heinz.

Swine Flu I know this was only a couple years ago, but I had already forgotten about it almost entirely. I remember sitting in my International Business class in which my brilliant teacher decided to open the floor for discussion on the whole thing (terrible plan) and a girl (whose accent I have only heard replicated by people trying to do a southern accent who have never been to the south) blurted out over everyone else, "HUHN-DREDS UHV PEOPLE DAH EVERY YE-UR FROM THE FLU!" As if it was the argument to end all arguments. I think she had a farm and raised chickens or something (not an exaggeration) and was apparently very passionate about the swine flu not being a big deal. This is my main memory of the Swine Flu epidemic.

As a side note, college professors: for the love of humanity, NEVER open the floor to discussion about controversial issues in class, unless it is directly relevant to the subject matter. (See: my music publishing teacher opening the floor the day after the 2008 election results.) All it gets us is four particularly outspoken people starting sentences with things like, "Well, when you REALLY look at ...." while the rest of us hate our lives for the next hour and a half.

Anyway. Remember when Swine Flu was a thing and we all thought we were going to die? I'm not gonna lie, I got slightly worried. I mean, not buy-a-hazmat-suit worried, but I washed my hands a few more times a day.

Rolling Backpacks Parents were concerned about us falling over backwards and/or developing scoliosis due to the weight of our textbooks, so Jansport and LLBean thought to themselves, "Hm, what solution can we provide that will market well to parents but completely disregard social implications for the children? I know: ROLLING BACKPACK."

Now, I never had a rolling backpack (I was far too socially elite), but they always just kind of seemed like a mark of weakness and nerddom. Did you ever see popular kids dragging their backpacks behind them, trying to make sure no one tripped over it? I don't think so. They were too busy sticking it to The Man (aka our parents) by wearing their backpack on ONE shoulder (everyone knows that was the cool way to wear it). Due to the annoying omnipresence of my conscience, I only occasionally rocked the one-shoulder and generally stuck with the wear-it-low-so-it-bounces-against-your-thighs-when-you-walk approach. Still parent-unapproved since you are supposed to wear it high on your back (nerd alert), but at least it distributed the weight evenly.

What's something you forgot existed until recently?

And more importantly: how did you wear your backpack?

Dear Chris Brown: That's Enough Out of You.

Okay, Chris Brown, I've had all I can stand, and I can't stand no more! (I'm waving my fist in the air for emphasis.)

You have officially had your three strikes. Even though, unlike most people, your strikes actually descended in terms of severity, they still count, and I'm done.

STRIKE ONE. [February 2009] Rihanna. Even though she's gotten progressively more promiscuous, peaked with "Umbrella," and I don't think she can hold her own in a motion picture, no woman deserves to be treated the way you treated her. And sure, not all celebrities are stand-up citizens. I get that. But your inexcusable actions were not only in the public eye, but directed towards another public figure beloved by the American people. NOT OKAY.

Somehow you seem to have laid low long enough that the Powers That Be in pop music have let you slide back into mainstream music and awards show numbers in which you pretty much just move your mouth whilst popping and locking in sync with about 20 other people dressed in white. And also throw in some acrobatics and giant LED walls, leaving us with some temporary blindness and confusion about what just happened.

Well, not me, Chris Brown, not me. Rihanna may have forgiven you--as evidenced by her collaboration with you on an overtly offensive song I'm too afraid to actually listen to--but I haven't. And I'm not really sure who else has. Besides, apparently, radio DJ's and whoever books the Grammy's.

STRIKE TWO. [March 2011] You erupted in a fit of rage on the set of Good Morning America, just because they asked you about the aforementioned Strike One, which resulted in some chair-throwing and window-shattering and shirt-removing. This is GOOD MORNING AMERICA, Chris. You were interviewed by someone with the name Robin Roberts. You weren't exactly in the hot seat.

And what did you expect? You beat up Rihanna. You can't just expect to come waltzing in there with your dumb earrings and the white pants you're not pulling off and expect us to just NOT mention it. It's the elephant in the room. If the elephant had sat on Rihanna.

Don't publicists train celebrities to respond to questions like that with rambling nothingness such as, "Y'know, uh, what happened was really unfortunate and I wish I could take it back, but uh, I just hope we can move on and live in a more positive way...and bee tee dubs my album drops on April 20."

Where was THAT, Chris Brown?

Plus, there is no place for outbursts that early in the morning. There just isn't.

STRIKE THREE. [March 2012] 

First of all, the headline of this article reads: "Brown Probe Nears End."

I think there's probably an immature joke in there somewhere, I'm just not sure what it is yet.

Second of all, really, Chris Brown? You're so angry that you're a celebrity that you have to snatch innocent non-paparazzi's phones just for trying to take a picture of you?

I mean, really.

If you want to be famous, you have to deal with people looking at you all the time and knowing when you beat people up. You just do. You can't be all like "UGH I'M SO FAMOUS I WISH PEOPLE WOULD JUST FORGET ABOUT THAT TIME I BEAT UP SOMEONE ELSE FAMOUS AND NEVER TAKE PICTURES OF ME OR MAKE ME SING ANYTHING REAL BUT STILL LET ME BE ON THE RADIO AND MAKE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. UGH."

AMERICA: Why do we keep letting him do stuff? At what point can we just take a vote and excommunicate him from the pop culture community, along with Spencer Pratt and Kristen Stewart? He is the worst.

Am I alone here?

What's your vote: keep him or kick him to the curb?

That Awkward Moment When J.Lo and Marc Work Together

What I'm about to tell you may shock you. In light of recent events, it may seem nearly impossible. But these words are the truth.

J.Lo and Marc Anthony have a Latin talent reality show. That is currently on the air.

I'll give you a minute to absorb that.

J.Lo and Marc Anthony, whose tragic breakup I chronicled here, created their own Latin talent competition and it is currently on the air, despite the aforementioned split.

First of all, did any one else know this existed? If so, why didn't you tell me? This is the kind of thing that needs to make pop culture headlines. It's on Fox, guys. Not Telemundo (which is a fine network in its own right). But instead they just quietly slip in trailers in between New Girl previews and Ryan Seacrest's hairdo. (I assume they are under a contract to still air the show, but hoping no one will notice.)

Well, Fox, I noticed.

And I was intrigued enough to give it a chance. I had enough questions to motivate me to investigate: was I wrong about American Idol being the last straw in their relationship? Was it in fact, the pressure of working together in Q'Viva: The Chosen instead ? (HOW out of control is J.Lo's hair/presence in that homepage picture, by the way?) Are their interactions going to be painfully awkward to watch? (They were.)

So I watched an entire episode. Essentially, J.Lo, Marc Anthony, and some guy who looks vaguely familiar named Jamie King, go around to South American countries and watch people who have sent in audition tapes to see if they really have what it takes to be on the show. And they either change their lives forever or shatter their dreams. As all good reality talent shows do.

As I watched, though, I quickly became enthralled, not with J.Lo's larger-than-life hair or Marc Anthony actually having a personality, but with the people they visited.

These people were young, talented, and above all, passionate. We say we're passionate about singing or writing or helping others.

But these people were all-caps PASSIONATE.

They put all of their heart and soul into what they were doing, whether it was a dancer, or an 11-year-old guitar prodigy, or someone doing this thing called "murga," which is so hard to describe ,but Marc called it "poetry in motion," which I feel like was a fair assessment.

What stood out the most to me was a kid named Martin (pictured above with J.Lo). He was probably in his late teens, and he was really unique. He did tricks and sort of danced with a soccer ball--I guess similar to what a Harlem Globetrotter does. His skill at handling the ball was unreal. Catching it with his neck, rolling it around on his body, flinging it into the air with his feet and doing a flip before catching it with an ankle or a shoulder. Ridiculous.

When J.Lo saw him, she really liked him but didn't feel like his act was polished enough for the show. (COME ON, J.LO. COME. ON.)

Here was his response (translated of course):

It's hard, because I really wanted it. But I didn't make it. So I may be losing the greatest opportunity of my life. But I have to go on. That's what being Latin is all about. Latins dont remain lying on the floor. We pick ourselves up seven times if we fall six.

All of the people they auditioned were so proud of their culture and their countries.

There were twins who were hip-hop dancers but danced to traditional Chilean music. When J.Lo told them they were coming to the States to be on the show, they of course erupted in excitement. You know what they said? Not, "Yay! We're awesome!" They said:

"CHILE! VIVA CHILE!"

A lot of the people I saw did the same. "VIVA MEXICO!"

I thought it was beautiful.

In a way, I can't even really apply that to our culture. If we were to say "Long Live the United States!" people might dislike us more than they already do. Let's just be honest.

I think sometimes we see these countries and think to ourselves, "That's adorable. They think their country is the best ever, but it has so much poverty and corruption." (Though maybe not that bluntly.) But even though I'm sure they are well aware of the problems in their own country (as we all have), they are still proud. They love their country and the people in it. They have unity, which is something I think we could learn from.

Either way, even if we can't directly apply their passion to our own country in the same way, it was still beautiful to see and I loved getting to see different types of talent in other parts of the world.

The great thing about this show was that it never gave the impression that they felt sorry for these people for not living where we live. It never made me think for even a second that they were trying to "save" these people. They were trying to highlight their talent and show it off to the rest of the world. They were trying to celebrate Latin culture, not change it to fit American culture.

I loved that. I also have a soft spot in my heart for Spanish and Spanish-speaking countries, so I loved listening to them speak Spanish for an hour. (Side note: if anyone wants to volunteer to help me become fluent in Spanish--I am fairly conversational--out of the goodness of their heart, let me know.)

I don't know if I'll watch it again, but it really opened my eyes to the beauty of a different culture and I so admired their passion, pride and determined spirit.

Have you ever experienced another culture you found intriguing or beautiful in a different way than ours?

Disturbing Headline of the Day: Super Sharks

"Shark Baby Boom Underway" 

It's been a while, but Disturbing Headline of the Day is back with a vengeance.

I thought the headline itself was disturbing at first, but I'll be honest, it really only gets worse:

Yes. You read that right.

GLOBAL WARMING BREEDS SUPER SHARKS.

Apparently the warmth of the water is making sharks go insane and mate with anything that swims by, creating hybrid species of super sharks. This is real life. I repeat: this is REAL life.

Where do I even begin?

Observations and/or Concerns:

1) The news anchor refers to this period of time as "Shark Spring Break," which is just quality imagery all around. Does anyone else just picture Bruce from Finding Nemo wearing a lei and a hawaiian shirt, drinking a strawberry daiquiri and high-fiving a hammerhead whilst the lady sharks swim by and wink at them?

2) Super sharks? Really? Do we really need to add any other frightening characteristics to the resume of sharks, let alone have something called SUPER sharks just waltzing around the ocean? (Can sharks waltz? Let's be honest, super sharks can probably do anything.) I don't want to be around when we encounter one. What if the super sharks, due to their highly evolved brain capacity, are able to figure out how to survive on land and they form a gang of super sharks who try to take over the world? What if they wear bandanas and have gold teeth? Did anyone think about that? I think we'd all be regretting Shark Week right about then.

3) Speaking of Shark Week, does this mean it can't go on? I mean, if the super sharks take over the world, I'm pretty sure they'd find it offensive. Actually, we'd probably be their prisoners anyway, so it might not even matter at that point. Maybe we wouldn't even want Shark Week. And in what kind of society do Americans not want a Shark Week? One that has gone to hell due to super sharks, that's what. Of course, there's always the chance that super sharks will just stick to the rivers and the lakes that they're used to (anyone?), and Shark Week will just have the privilege of introducing a new species of hybrid sharks to put people in near-death experiences with.

4) THIS PICTURE:

"Alarming." Right there. They actually use the word "alarming," which indicates that we should be ALARMED. Why should we be alarmed, CNN? Are the super sharks indeed going to take over the world? Will the underwater ecosystem cease to exist? Will they just keep mating constantly until we have starfish-sharks hobbling around? Will the starfish-sharks be dangerous? THESE ARE QUESTIONS I NEED ANSWERS TO.

Does this slightly scare anyone else?

The Mustangs are Hot!

GUYS.

You know how, in the future, we'll be like, "Hey remember that time Manny dressed up like a plush horse and danced around with sparklers?"

THIS IS THAT TIME.

 

Happy Friday!

This Just In: They're Letting Me Write Other Places

Sometimes I feel bad that I watch so many T.V. shows. I've really cut down on the amount of mindless channel surfing [thank you, thank you], but I still have about 6-7 shows I watch regularly at any given time. Not to mention the fact that I have a queue of about 3 more that I want to catch up on and get into. I'm secretly afraid one day someone is going to respond to my abundant T.V. references with "oh yeah, T.V. I don't even own one of those. I find I don't even miss it," and make me feel like a lesser human being.

And yes, I probably should be doing something more intellectual like reading The Odyssey or contemplating what lies beyond the universe. But I'd really just rather watch Barney Stinson try to pick up a girl by pretending he's come back from the future and the fate of the world depends on it.

Unfortunately, filling my head with useless knowledge about Liz Lemon's eating habits and why Shawn and Angela just couldn't seem to work it out has never paid off in real life…until now.

Thanks to the minds of Knox McCoy and Tyler Stanton, there's finally a place for people like us: TV Asylum.

I was excited about this immediately. Finally, a place for us to share our varied and passionate opinions about fictional scenarios. A place for us to analyze and discuss the intricacies of characters. A place for us to make fun of people who go on a TV show and compete for the love of a caveman.

I found out they were looking for contributing writers and I knew I had to apply. In case you haven't noticed or you're new to my blog, I like T.V. And writing about it.

A couple days later and…[drumroll please] I am officially a contributing writer to TV Asylum!

You may remember one of my Finish Year goals is to do some guest posting. I'm totally counting this.

Check out TV Asylum here and stay tuned for some posts by me!

What's your favorite T.V. show? 

The Emotional Toll of Sarah McLachlan Commercials

For years, we as a society have been plagued with the major buzz-kill of the infamous Sarah McLachlan commercial.

You know the one. The one they slide in between a Snuggie commercial and Friends reruns and makes you want to cover your ears and sing "LALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" like you did when you were 5?

Can we all just agree this commercial accomplishes nothing but making us hate our lives for approximately a minute and a half? Never do I feel the unique combination of anger and guilt more strongly than when that fateful song begins to play:

In the aaaaaarms of the a-a-angels...

I've also never met someone who's said that commercial moved them enough to donate money. I don't even remember what charity it's for and I've seen it about 400 times. (If you are the exception to this, please let me know. I want to know what you know.)

The worst part is there are now TWO.

The second features Alyssa Milano (of...something fame...early 90's, I wanna say?) and is essentially the same commercial only without the haunting melody, and change the puppies to children.

Sarah. Alyssa. Stop making me feel like a jerk because I automatically mute the TV or change the channel any time your commercials come on. Don't look at me that way. It's like your eyes are boring into my soul saying, "WHY DO YOU HATE THE CHILDREN? WHY, LAURA? DON'T YOU SEE THIS PUPPY'S SAD EYES? THEY'RE AS BIG AS SAUCERS AND WELLING WITH TEARS AND INNOCENCE! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GIVE UP 50 CENTS A DAY TO HELP THESE SAD CHILDREN AND PUPPIES LIVE? Fine, just go drink your Starbucks in front of your Macbook and try not to think about your material abundance in the midst of such poverty. Go ahead."

You see? You see why I change the channel? I'm sorry! Okay? But bumming me out in the middle of The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe is not the way to get my money, Alyssa. And a "beautiful T-shirt" or "specially designed tote bag" is not going to win me over either. I'm not a sellout. (Throw in a commemorative coin and we'll talk.)

As a side note, what are the requirements to be the spokesperson for one of these commercials? Does it just have to be a person who has faded enough from celebrity status that they are available, but not so much that no one will recognize them? Full disclosure, I would have never been able to identify Alyssa Milano just by looking at her. The name caption is definitely necessary.

[Breaking: GUYS. I just googled Alyssa Milano to figure out what the heck she did with her life to make her famous and found out she played a character named "Nurse Mindy" in the 2011 blockbuster New Year's Eve. NURSE MINDY. I can't even add anything to that to make it more amusing. It stands alone. If you need more proof as to why that movie was the worst idea ever, please refer to my post on the Law of Diminishing Celebrity Utility.]

Anyway, here are the audition requirements I imagine are advertised for these commercials:

1) The ability to display two quarters between your thumb and index finger like a wheel of fortune model without dropping them or giving in to the temptation to rub them together like an old-timey mobster trying to decide which table to gamble on. 2) The ability to hold a very concerned facial expression for the duration of at least 1:30 straight--not many people can do that. it's a very underestimated skill. Apparently Alyssa and Sarah can do it. 3) Super dramatic acting skills, and in this case, the pets in the commercial are no exception. I have reason to believe they must all be graduates of the Guilt-trip School of Dramatic Tricks (For Pets and Other Fuzzy Animals), sponsored by PETA.

And the aforementioned C-list celebrity status, of course.

Do you hate these commercials as much as I do? It's ok, this is a safe place. No one will judge you. (Any Jesus Jukes will be promptly reprimanded.)

Why "Don't Stop Believin'" Gets My Vote for Vice National Anthem

I think there's something missing from our nation's culture. Something glaring, which should have been addressed sooner.

We sing the same song at the opening of every sporting event, year after year: The Star-Spangled Banner. Of course we do, it's our national anthem.

But shouldn't we have a backup?

Y'know, in case the Star-Spangled Banner should find itself unable to perform? What would we do? Just stand there with our hands over our hearts shifting awkwardly for two and a half minutes?

Or just recite the Pledge of Allegiance only to end up cringing when inevitably everyone who had a worse 6th grade teacher than I did puts a pause between "one nation" and "under God," because it then sounds like you're the one who did it wrong, but really you're the only one in a 10 yard radius who did it right? Who wants to do that?

So I propose a solution. Nay, THE solution:

To nationally declare "Don't Stop Believin'" as the official Vice National Anthem. Second in command. I'm not saying replace the Star-Spangled Banner. It's earned its place and deserves respect.

But what if the track skips, or someone freezes with stage fright on the field, unable to sing? What if the Star-Spangled Banner gets banned for some unforeseen reason (stranger things have happened, right?)?

I say we need to be prepared. And what song is more beloved in the American public than Don't Stop Believin'?

Supporting arguments:

1. Everyone knows the words. At least as much as anyone knows the words of the Star-Spangled Banner, if not more. You can't live in the United States for more than 15 minutes without having heard that song any less than 30 times (I don't know how that's possible, but Don't Stop Believin' defies the space-time continuum or something). You learn the words purely through osmosis. So it's not like we'd be teaching an entire nation a new melody. Easy to phase in.
2. An inspirational moment of epic proportions before all sporting events. Picture it: we all "rise for the singing of our national anthem," putting our hands over our hearts and turning our gaze towards the gigantic American flag. We wait in silent anticipation until we finally hear that iconic, unmistakable bass line travel over the stadium speakers and into our hearts..."bum...bum bum bum...bum bum bum..." Smiles sweep across people's faces. Fist pumps fly through the air. Head nods slowly gain momentum, and we all join in: "Just a small town girlllll..." until we finally reach the triumphant ending we've all been waiting for and sing our little lungs out to the heavens above: DONNNN'T STOP! BELIEEEEEV-AN! HOLD ON TO THAT FEE-EE-EE-LAAAAN! I'd wager that the players would be so inspired by that point that the game would have 120 percent more heart than if we had just sung the Star-Spangled Banner. I think you'd be hard pressed to find many things cooler than hearing 18,000 people singing Don't Stop Believin' in unison. Correct me if I'm wrong (but I'm not).
3. The potential for the President to do an air guitar solo. I'd be okay with that. In fact, I'd encourage it. Some may view that as irreverent, but I just see it as the leader of the free world pouring his heart and soul into our Vice National Anthem out of respect for our great country. And if we collectively allow Toby Keith songs to represent our attitudes towards other countries, we should allow this.

If you agree (which you should, given my solid arguments), what are some other reasons DSB should be our Vice National Anthem? If you don't, what song do you think should wear that honor?

A Plea On Behalf of Unknown Voiceover Talents

There's an injustice sweeping our good nation. It's slinking in right beneath our noses.

And no one is talking about it. Maybe no one has noticed.

Well, I'm here to break the silence.

Good, hard-working Americans are losing their jobs. But not to who you may think.

To celebrities.

How, you ask?

Poor, defenseless voiceover talents everywhere are being gradually replaced with people like Tim Allen and Jim From The Office (as he will forever be known. Sorry, Jim.).

Don't believe me?

Watch this esurance commercial [Jim] or this Chevy commercial [Tim].

It's happening, people. And we can't sit idly by while Buzz Lightyear swoops in and dazes the masses with his little-lightbulb-that-blinks and his falling-with-style. Hasn't Tim got enough going for him already without taking away the 30 seconds of glory that could instead be bestowed upon a deep-voiced, middle-class fellow with stars in his eyes and a dream in his heart?

First Disney movies, now this. Does anyone know who played Belle or Snow White? No. Why? Because animated films used to give young starlets a chance to prove themselves to the world, but now they just see how many famous names they can throw at you in a trailer until you see one you like enough to go see the movie.

The commercials don't even mention whose voice we're hearing. But we know. Oh, we know.

Nearly any American aged 18-35 can recognize Jim From The Office's voice within 2.5 seconds. Kind, non-threatening, trustworthy---Jim. We trust Jim. Therefore we trust his advice on insurance. I mean, let's face it, advertisers are probably on to something, here.

But it's the principle of the thing.

Sure, it might make your ad more memorable, but where, good sir, is your integrity? Where is your honor?

Do you want to be the one who has to tell the talented Joe Dynamo, who's been in the voiceover business since his radio show in 1979, that you chose Jim From The Office over him? Do you want to see Joe Dynamo cry? Because I sure don't. And that's what you're doing, Advertising Industry. You're making Joe Dynamo cry. Why would you do that?

So I ask you, reader, to join my cause on behalf of overlooked-yet-perfectly-talented voiceover professionals everywhere and stick it to The Man.

Because Joe Dynamo needs a job, too. After all, we are in a recession. And this is just the American thing to do.

So be a good American. Support the underdogs in the voiceover industry.

Have you noticed this trend? Any other celebrity voiceovers I missed?

The Addiction No One's Talking About

If you ask someone what their favorite TV channel is, most people probably won't say HGTV. Except maybe my mom. And other moms. Most people don't seek it out. No one crashes after a long day and says to themselves, "man, I'd really like to watch someone argue about paint colors and rip out flooring. That would really relax and intrigue me right now."

But, not unlike a dementor, it manages to find us and suck us in.

How?

Two words: House Hunters.

House Hunters is the gateway drug of home improvement shows.

One day, you're flipping through channels and leave it on House Hunters by accident. Just in the background. No big deal, you think.

But somehow--I can only imagine they use some sort of subliminal messaging--you become invested in the show in a matter of about 2.5 minutes.

Soon enough you find yourself scrolling through the guide and thinking to yourself, "Oo! House Hunters!"

And then you slowly discover the terrible truth:

House Hunters is ALWAYS on.

Regular House Hunters. House Hunters International. House Hunters on Vacation. Where does it end?

You think to yourself, "this is awesome! I'll never run out of episodes--there's so many of them. There's no way I'll ever see them all."

Oh, sweet amateur.

You will. You will reach a point where you've seen at least half of the ones you turn on. And that, my friends, is a harrowing day.

You will also wake up one day and realize that not only are you watching House Hunters, but you've expanded to Property Brothers, Color Splash and Design Star. Who AM I?? You may think to yourself.

And that is how they get you. Also the fact that they don't put commercials in between the end of one episode and the beginning of the next keeps you invested long enough to watch "just one more episode."

I've noticed that my experience with House Hunters is not unique. More and more people are openly admitting their addiction (at least via Twitter and Facebook).

So just know, fellow House Hunters addict, you're not alone.

And there IS help available.

Well, I don't actually know that for sure, since I've never sought it out. But we could form a House Hunters support group for anyone looking to get their life back:

SUPPORT GROUP MEMBER 1: It's just that I think I'm starting to have severely unrealistic expectations of what my first house should look like.

SUPPORT GROUP MEMBER 2: All they wanted was hardwood floors, granite counter tops, stainless steel appliances and an open concept! [sobs] Was that too much to ask??

SUPPORT GROUP MEMBER 3: My wife isn't being supportive of my new career path. After watching so many episodes of House Hunters I feel I have the equivalent of a degree in couples' counseling, and she doesn't seem to agree.

Do any of these sound familiar? Just let it out. Let it all out.

Are you also addicted to House Hunters?

Top 5 Harry Potter-isms I Wish Were Real

I have a confession to make. When faced with a minor predicament, a spell from Harry Potter occasionally pops into my head as a possible solution for a split second.

I know. Nerd-tastic. And I haven't even read all the books yet. Imagine who I will have become after I finish them! Scratch that. Don't imagine it.

Seriously...stop that.

Anyway, my hopes are always dashed one second later when I realize not only am I not a wizard, but that magic doesn't even exist. IT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST.

Sigh.

So, since all I am left to do is long for the powers I will surely never have and the chocolate frogs I will never taste, I thought I would share with you the top 5 Harry Potter-isms I wish were real.

1. Accio [the charm to summon objects to your hand]. Number one, easy. No-brainer. I've longed to use this power on more than one occasion. Sure, I suppose it perpetuates laziness. I'd probably only use it to retrieve the remote or my computer when my reach is about a foot too short, but as long as I don't use it for evil, what's the big deal?

Dumbledore would probably say something like I was squandering the magic they worked tirelessly to put into my formerly-muggle hands, and that whole 'with great power comes great responsibility' thing, but hey, I just want to accio my pillow from upstairs whilst I'm lying on the couch. Is that too much to ask? Is Voldemort going to return because of that? I don't think so. He's probably too concerned with coming up with clever tweets about hating Justin Bieber to even notice. Okay, Dumbledore? Geez. Plus I'm pretty sure Voldemort disintegrated in the last movie. So we're good.

2. Hermoine. I just want to be her friend, really. But not the Hermoine in books 1-2. More like the Hermoine in 3+. Post-the frizzy hair and rules-nazi stage. (This is my hypothetical list, so I can be picky.) She's a master at spells, she has a time turner, and she can teach me how to be awesome.

3. Lumos [the spell that creates a light at the end of your wand]. Again,this appeals to my laziness and desire to not have to get up to turn on the light switch, but also appeals to my dislike of complete darkness. So, two birds here. Maybe if  I got a stand for my wand, I could use it as a night light. I'm sure Dumbledore would be shaking his head right now. It's my list, Albus, I'll do what I want.

4. Self-cleaning plates. The more things I list, the lazier I realize I must be. Or practical. That's it. Practical. Anyway, in Harry Potter land, plates magically fill and clear themselves in a matter of seconds. Where's bad?

5. Owl Post. But only if I could have a pretty owl like Hedwig, not like the creepy owl I posted here. What's more fun than getting a real letter in the 21st century? I'll tell you: having a snowy owl soar in through the window and deliver it to you after a magical journey abroad. And having that snowy owl understand you when you speak to it. Though, while I'm requesting things, I'd like to request a slightly less-sassy owl than Hedwig. She's always giving Harry the stink eye for using other owls for his safety or judging Ron's little obnoxious owl. I'm just saying, I need an owl who respects me. That's all.

Basically I just want to go back to Harry Potter World at Universal Studios. Except without the 100 degree weather and approximately 2.7 billion people.

What are some Harry Potter-isms you wish were real? (Or, if you're not into Harry Potter---sorry to hear that, by the way---something else fictional you wish were real?)