The Stain of Former Relationships Left on Celebrity Kids

The unfortunate thing for celebrity kids is that they usually take the last name of whoever their father is.

Wait...let me explain.

I know that's how every kid ever does it, because that's just the way it works, but I maintain it's particularly problematic for celebrities and their offspring.

Since we all know celebrity relationships aren't as....reliable as the average relationship we end up with this problem in which kids are just walking around emblazoned with the last name of some actor the mom dated in the 90's even though this is 2013 and their mom is on their third marriage by now. I mean I guess this could happen in normal relationships, too, but something about the highly-publicized nature of the relationships (past or current) makes this whole situation weird to me.

For example, Reese Witherspoon is walking around with two Phillipes trailing behind her to yoga and froyo places and movie sets. If she hadn't had kids with him, no one would remember that guy Reese Witherspoon dated because she is approximately 30 times more awesome than him. But unfortunately there they stand, reminding the public at large she was once married to the guy from I Know What You Did Last Summer.

"There's Reese Witherspoon with her Kids, Ava and Deacon Phillippe..." Really?

Normally to remedy this, I would just suggest having kids with your spouse and sticking with them, but we all know celebrities don't observe any sort of trite institutions like "marriage" in the same way we might. Consider who we're dealing with here--the bar is lowered significantly.

So I think once you reach a certain level of celebrity it might be advisable to start automatically giving the kids the last name of the mom. Or whoever they're going to be featured with on US Weekly's "Stars: They're Just Like Us!" I'm not sexist.

This is especially important when one parent is considerably more famous than the other.

I'm just saying, those kids are Witherspoons, you know? They're blonde, they're pretty, and they're A-listers (according to Suri Cruise). They don't want to be associated with Ryan Phillippe any more than Reese does. They shouldn't have to suffer for their dad's washed-up 90's fame.

Typically it's clear in most celebrity relationships who the "reacher" and who the "settler"* is in terms of famousness--especially if they have kids together. And it's not fair to label a kid with the reputation of a lame celebrity dad if the aforementioned dad is already out of the picture.

Exhibit B: J.Lo and Marc Anthony. No longer together but they have two kids. Obviously the twins should keep the last name Anthony. LOLOL jay kay. Are we really going to let those kids walk around as boring Anthonies for the rest of their lives when they have J.LO as a mom? Absolutely not. Lopezes all the way.

Exhibit C: Mariah and Nick Cannon--those kids have got to be Careys, through and through, if they want to maintain any sort of dignity. Mariah and Nick are actually still together, but it's probably just because Nick can't afford rent on a one-bedroom apartment on his own and maybe he brings her breakfast in bed or something. If Mariah ever kicks him to the curb, those kids will be Careys before you have time to say [high-pitched run at the beginning of "Fantasy"].

All this to say, I think I'm on to something here. Celebrity children shouldn't have to be walking reminders of rando B-listers. For what they put up with, they deserve more than that. It's really all about the children, you guys.

And us. It's also about us.

We don't want to have to deal with that either. We shouldn't have to wrack our brains trying to remember where they got that last name. We're too busy watching GIFs of people falling down and putting Mean Girls quotes over scenes from Les Mis to have time for that. (But seriously look at that Les Mean Girls site. It's the greatest.)

Who's your favorite celebrity kid? (And should they change their last name?)

*See How I Met Your Mother for explanation.

A Peek Inside My Bachelor Bracket (Because I Made One)

If you follow me on Twitter (which, feel free to do by the way...hint, hint), you may know I watch The Bachelor.

It took a lot of effort for me to write that without a disclaimer.

This is because I'd never watched the show (or its female counterpart) until last year when I stumbled upon this fellow Knox McCoy's scathing-in-the-best-way recaps of the show on his blog. I started reading them and could not stop laughing. I had no idea who these insane people were, but reading the recaps made me wish I did.

So I came in on the last few episodes of Ben's season of The Bachelor to see who "Rabbit Face" and "Horse Lindsay" were. Spoiler alert: everyone was terrible...especially Ben.

Now I watch it so I can be in the cool [term used very loosely] circle of people who watch it every week then deconstruct it and make fun of it while simultaneously hate/loving it. But we all do it together so we're not crazy right? Right??

All that to say, I struggle to tell people I have to get home to watch The Bachelor without following it with "because we cut cable and I can't wait until the next day to see it online because this guy I know from the Internet writes these recaps on Tuesdays and there's a podcast too and a girl who looks like a bridge troll and I JUST CAN'T MISS IT OKAY?"

[deep breath]

So to bring you back to where I started, my name is Laura McClellan, and I watch The Bachelor. (I just cringed again even though you now know I totally watch it ironically and not because I believe in "finding love" this way and you can totally understand that right?)

Ahem.

The most recent run of The Bachelorette was my first full season of watching, so this is my second go-round. (Click here to read my love letter to One-F Jef, a hipster mormon who ended up WINNING the whole thing. Gotta love a Cinderella story.)

My husband and I decided to make it even more obvious that we have too much time on our hands by making a bracket to predict the outcome of the show.

Rules were we could reevaluate after the first episode (since we had gotten to know the girls a bit), then fill out the rest of the bracket. No changing after that.

[Click here to see a cheat sheet of all the girls to help you keep the names straight]

Here is my bracket as it stands currently:

I'm still feeling pretty good about my top 2 - Des and Lesley (Desley?) - and I'm hoping Catherine sticks around for a while, because I like her a lot, but I think AshLee (yes, real spelling) might edge her out down the road. Especially since she's the only one who got Sean to cry out of sympathy on her date and she handled the theme-park-with-terminally-ill-children thing like a pro. In wedges. Her niceness always surprises me despite her mean-looking face.

I'm also a little concerned about how swiftly Sean's brain turns to applesauce whenever Selma is around because I kind of can't stand her and didn't think she would go very far. Mostly due to her voice. She's like an Arabic Kim Kardashian. Wait, is Kim Kardashian Arabic to begin with? Her name sounds Middle Eastern, I guess. Have I just never made that connection? I'm getting off track.

CURRENT BRACKET RUINERS:

Kacie B. She totally ruined my bracket by doing that whole "Um, Shaw-un, these girls are being mildly dramatic and I'm allergic to drama so it's making it impossible for me to function as a normal human being so I just really needed to bring it to your attention so you can help me be a person" and Sean was all "Uh why are you telling me this again?" and then Kacie scrunches up her face a lot and he sends her home privately during the rose ceremony--which I think is more embarrassing than sending you home the normal way--but whatever.

Valiant effort, Kacie B, but I expected more out of your manipulation skills since you were on Ben's season which is why I put you in my top 4. GAH. Why you gotta play me like that?

Daniella. She only gets camera time when they want to show her mispronouncing something or being kindly corrected by Leslie that Atlantis is not the same thing as Hades. She kinda looks a fool 24/7 and I'm not really sure why she's still there. I had her knocked out after week 2 so she's really cramping my style.

The rest I feel okay about. Boring Leslie leaving this week was helpful. Hoping Daniella is the next to go or we're going to have a problem.

If you watch the show, who would you put in your top 4? (HOMETOWN DATES, Y'ALL.)

If not, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you judge me for this post? (REMEMBER THE IRONIC THING,GUYS)

Iran, Monkeys and Mohawks

So while you were at work or school or a coffeeshop writing zombie poetry (a genre yet to be explored) yesterday, Iran announced they have officially sent a monkey to space and back. That's adorable. We sent a person to the moon in the 60's.

But whatever, good for you, I guess.

I'm mostly just concerned about the monkey and his feelings. He was all alone in a space ship 75 miles above the earth with nary a wise-cracking bug friend to speak of.

(LIGHTBULB: make feature animated film about this monkey. Add wise-cracking bug friend.)

Poor little guy. I bet he was scared. Or maybe he slept through it. I don't know. Maybe monkeys are less afraid of dying in rocketship explosions than humans are.

But seriously, should we as a country be concerned about this? I mean I know China's going to kick our butts and own us all in the near future or something but, Iran? Really? Are we just going to sit around watching them send chimpanzees into orbit and not do anything about it? Are we not a country in which one-upsmanship is a virtue? Do we not make people compete for love for our own enjoyment? This is America and we will not stand idly by while middle eastern monkeys float in the cosmos.

WHY AREN'T YOU ON THIS, MOHAWK GUY?

You can't ride on that Mars rover thing forever. Get back out there and beat the Iranians. Send a monkey to MARS. That will show them.

But if you do, please send a friend along with him. I don't like the idea of him being all alone for that long. And you wouldn't do that, would you mohawk guy? You're young, you're a humanitarian, you wear TOMS, right? Of course you do. You have a mohawk.

Here we are wasting precious time talking about frivolous things like "gun control" and "universal healthcare" when really we should be focusing all our efforts on getting zoo animals on mars.

(SECOND LIGHTBULB: OMG you guys, Mars Zoo. Wouldn't they be adorable in their little astronaut outfits?)

All I'm saying is, let's pick up the pace a bit here. I know NASA pressed pause on space shuttles or something but let's unpause that game and make it happen.

What do you suggest we do to fix this imbalance?

MORE IMPORTANTLY: Would you watch a movie about a monkey going to space and his wise-cracking bug friend?

Toddlers and Award Show Gowns

As a woman, I get it. We love all things mini. Salt shakers, TOMS, pigs. If it's about 30 percent or less the size of the original, it's automatically adorable. But I don't understand the point of this "project." I use quotes because I don't really know how this can be construed as a project if there is no artistic or practical value whatsoever.

It's eloquently named "ToddleWood," (not a thing) and basically this photographer lady thought her kid looked like Donna Summer so she dressed her up like Donna and took pictures and decided that it would be totally a great idea to do this to other people's kids, too.

If you're wondering if this exactly like Cam from Modern Family used to do to Cute Lilly (not to be confused with New Lilly, who is the worst), you'd be right.

I'm not the least bit surprised that this is being touted as a respectable artistic endeavor, I just have trouble understanding why. What justifies its existence?

Is it a commentary on society? No. It is literally a replica of society.

Is it filling some previously glaring hole in our culture? No. In no way did we need this. Plus we have Honey Boo Boo so that's enough out of makeup-wearing toddlers for a while.

Is it raising money for some sort of charity? As far as I can tell, no.

Is this photographer Anne Geddes? No.

I mean really. What are we doing here, guys? Let's just reign it in, okay? How about doing something more productive with your time?

We are supposed to be impressed that the group turned around this Golden Globes photoshoot in two days.

Here is a list of things you could have done with those two days instead:

1) Written a letter to your congressman. Several times. 2) Volunteered at a homeless shelter. 3) Painted a picture. (A.K.A. real art.) 4) Petted a goat at a zoo. 5) Learned how to play a song on the ukelele and posted it on youtube. Sure, it would be cliche, but then you could've said "hey, I didn't dress any kids up like Anne Hathaway in the last 48 hours. High five, me." Which is something you no longer have the privilege of saying. 6) Written a zombie novel. (How hard could it be?) 7) Broken the world record for most Girl Scout Cookies eaten in a day. (Actually, no, you couldn't do that until mid-February. Curse you, tiny salespeople and your parents who actually do all the work. You expect too much of us.) 8) Memorized the presidents. 9) Organized a protest against leggings being worn as pants. (Please. It's for the children.) 10) Binge-watched Friday Night Lights (highly recommended).

But no, you didn't. You did this:

And this:

Ok but seriously how beautiful is that child?

And this:

Is this even creative? You're literally trying to copy someone as accurately as possible. They say copying is the sincerest form of flattery, but any sixth grader with a best friend who won't just pick her own darn Halloween costume knows that's total crap.

I think Taylor Swift would say the same, don't you? Or at least write it in her journal because she's too nice to say it to your face.

These children do not even count as toddlers. You don't get to pass as a toddler anymore if you are old enough to go to school. Sure these kids may long for that youthful look of yore, but those days are gone, okay? Welcome to elementary school, kid. Wake up and smell Presidential fitness test.

So I say, creators of this alleged "project," just take a beat, maybe join a book club or volunteer somewhere or something, and go from there. That's all I ask.

Only-slightly-related question: what was your favorite Halloween costume (whether your friend totally copied it or not)?

Justin Bieber Concert Experience: The Recap

Note: Thank you to those who gave me some feedback on whether or not they would like to read this recap. The answer was (shockingly) overwhelmingly "yes." As always, I give the people what they want. If you find yourself reading this and thinking, "wow, this is an enormous waste of my time," remember -- you asked for it. Just...remember that okay? 

It was an event unlike any other. The constant gleam from the sequined tutu-style skirts and similarly glittery fake Ugg boots of 8 year olds, the roar of 18,000 excitable youth rising with each hopeful break in the interim Michael Jackson songs and falling disappointedly with each realization that no, it was not time for the show to start, the sea of purple flat-brimmed hats emblazoned with the popstar's trademark unword "swaggy" on the underside.

It's safe to say neither my companion Hilary nor I had seen the likes of this environment anywhere else.

There was an adorable sense of pure excitement bubbling over from the kids younger than about 13 which was just too endearing to be annoyed by. They bopped along, holding hands with a parent to avoid abduction, scarcely believing they were HERE about to see JUSTIN BIEBER. They were my favorite fans.

There were of course a vast array of homemade t-shirts, some more sophisticated than others. The puffy paint industry probably noticed a sharp uptick in sales in the Middle Tennessee area last week.

Surprisingly we also saw a few groups of glammed-up seemingly-30-year-old women wearing a new level of atrocity in the way of leggings as pants with nary a child to be seen in their party.

The show began with none other than Biebs' bodyguard/personal hype-man/sidekick Kenny Hamilton welcoming us in.

Insert the aforementioned atomic-bomb-level decibel increase here.

The first performer was Cody Simpson, who I vaguely recognized from Disney Channel or something. Wikipedia tells me this is because he was a guest on "So Random!" (essentially the 21st century forgets-what-a-real-book-is 13-year-old's version of "All That") once and also appeared on this thing where Disney tries to find the Next Big (obscure, played-excusively-on-Radio-Disney) Thing as a mentor to the NBT.

Basically all you need to know is he's blonde, Australian and was born in 1997 which makes me feel sufficiently ancient.

He sang catchy pop songs, danced with a chair eerily similar to the Britney days of yore, and did a little too much pelvic thrusting to be appropriate for the audience, in my humble opinion.

I can't be sure, but I think he donned a royal blue silk pajama suit similar to the one Barney from HIMYM wears, except instead of a tie he wore a wifebeater underneath so that he could take off the jacket and 13-year-olds would squeal.

Seriously how much do we know about this guy? I'm asking.

Highlight performance: an underwhelming snippet of "N***** in Paris" from Watch the Throne. (I know, right?)

Then comes Carly Rae.

I love me some "Call Me Maybe" (haters to the left) and "Good Time," so I was pretty pumped for this.

Most of her songs were super repetitive (that's coming from a pop music fan), but I really liked "Your Heart Is A Muscle" and thoroughly enjoyed the aforementioned songs. Cody sang Owl City's part and was not that great but that song is pretty much un-ruinable, so I enjoyed it.

She had a pink mic stand and wore a black dress and pretty much looked like I expected her to look. At least from section 303, row C.

I'm a sucker for gang vocals and any form of corporate singing so I also soaked in the moment of an arena full of people singing the pop anthem of 2012 together.

Highlight performance: Good Time

THEN IT WAS TIME.

Wait, just kidding. Then we waited nearly an hour for his highness to arrive on stage.

During this time, it got ugly.

It is unreasonable to ask a mob of thousands of teenage girls to wait for the most famous heartthrob on the planet for 56 minutes. It just is.

I'm just saying, the environment was getting unstable.

First it was just the whooing whenever there was a break between MJ songs.

Then came the wave. Never underestimate the power of teenage girls determined to accomplish the same purpose. It was the most swiftly organized round of the wave I'd ever witnessed. In a mere two rounds, nearly everyone was participating.

After the wave came the chanting.

Oh, the chanting.

"JUSTIN! JUSTIN! JUSTIN!" Fairly reasonable and expected.

But then, "JUST-IN BIE-BER, *clap clap clapclapclap* JUST-IN BIE-BER, *clap clap clapclapclap*"

Then, "HUR-RY U-UP, *clap clap clapclapclap*"

NO. Just no. That cadence is reserved for basketball games and…well, that's it. Just basketball games.

Thankfully at this point a countdown finally appeared on the giant screen.

…starting at 10 minutes. Sigh.

The screaming grew in intensity until finally only 60 seconds remained. It was finally time.

The Biebs entered via harness (as was expected) wearing enormous angel wings and all white and looking half-dead. I'm not really sure what the symbolism was.

There was lots of white flowy fabric and some dancers who may or may not have been angels, too? I don't know. I think it had something to do with "Believe." That's all I can decipher.

Between the white suit, the wifebeater underneath the jacket (if you're sensing a theme, you're right) the oval sunglasses and the hair (short on the sides, puffed up and combed back on the top), he was very 80's fabulous.

Since his set was about two hours long and this post is about two hours long so far, I'll just give you the rundown:

Set: It was actually a little disappointing because I expected it to be pretty elaborate after seeing Taylor Swift last year. Mostly just 8,000 screens, but they did a lot with them. Once, they were on a boat (I think) and Justin dove off into an abyss in the stage but appeared below on a screen, swimming. Things like that were pretty great.

Unexpected appearance: a hype-man DJ. He did things like yell "jump! jump! jump!" a lot and banter with JB.

Scaffolding choice for acoustic set: While the scaffolding was not heart-shaped, the Biebs did not disappoint. He was raised up in a cherry-picker-style contraption that swiveled around to serenade us all equally with "Be Alright" and "Fall." "Fall" is one of my favorites from Believe, so I was a little disappointed it wasn't full band, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I also discovered he is a left-handed guitar player. So, fun fact for you.

Costume changes: Mostly just a lot of wifebeaters and pants that must be specially made for him since they are a walking contradiction: baggy from the waist to mid-thigh, then skinny the rest of the way down. One pair was zebra striped. I don't defend his fashion choices, you guys. Just his music.

Some gold gloves, a fedora and bright red patent leather high top sneakers also made appearances. The shirt came completely off during the encore, at which point Hilary and I yelled at him like the old fogies we are to pull up his darn pants. We could see far too much of his bright red tighty-whities (tighty-reddies?).

Transitions: There were a few videos in between sets with clips from home videos when he was a kid, and him talking to the camera in black and white (so you knew it was serious) about following your dreams and it was actually pretty precious. Never say never and believe and all that. In the video he was actually wearing a real shirt and his hair looked normal, which I think paid off in the delivery.

One Less Lonely Girl Report: The girl was only brought up towards the end of the song, which I thought was kind of a rip off, but she got to sit on a throne made of fake speakers and such, which was pretty cool. Her name was Asia and she was adorable. Also JB danced up on her a bit (still in the wifebeater) which probably made her mom uncomfortable but it's JUSTIN BIEBER so who cares, right?

Highlight performances: The encore--"Boyfriend" then "Baby"--can't go wrong there, and "Beauty and the Beat." Nicki Minaj performed live via satellite. Jay kay, jay kay, it was just her face on a screen that assembled on stage right before her part but it was still pretty awesome. And at the end of that song, JB did his drum solo, which made it even more great. That kid is insane.

All in all it was a solid show. The band and arrangements were great as always (and by "always" I mean the few times I've seen them on TV and on Never Say Never), and I thought he sang really well. Especially considering that he was apparently under the weather.

It was a lot of fun, and I'm so glad I got to have the experience.

Oh, and before I forget…the requests:

Shaved Head Count: Disappointingly, zero. Did he perform all of his songs? No. He did do a medley of some older songs ("One Time," "Eenie Meenie" and "Somebody to Love") which allowed him to get some more in, but he definitely didn't do all of them. Notable exceptions: "U Smile" and "Thought of You" (both I really like), but he did a surprising amount of them considering the "Believe" album has 17 tracks. Set Length: approx. 2 hours. Level of Amazing: 11

Did I leave anything out you wanted to know? What's the best concert you've ever been to?

Goin' to the 'Biebs, Y'all

Attention, readers: this is not a drill. I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

This is the real deal. The time has come.

Tomorrow night, my friend Hilary and I are braving swarms of squealing teenagers in homemade t-shirts to be serenaded by none other than The Biebs himself.

Will he soar over the audience in heart-shaped scaffolding? Will he bring out T-Swizzle for no other reason than to increase the decibels in Bridgestone Arena to atomic-bomb level? Will he point to the audience a lot and wear a lot of brightly colored pleather? One can only hope.

The only unfortunate thing is that I'm pretty sure I'm sitting too far back to be chosen as the One Less Lonely Girl. DRAT.

We also get the distinct joy of singing 2012's most popular song with 20,000 other people, because Carly Rae Jepsen is his opening act. This tour is almost too Canadian to function.

The good news is, if I learned anything from T-Swizzle's tour last year, the children aged about 11 and under tend to start to lose steam halfway through. The littlest ones even fall asleep. So the screamfest should die down at some point. Though, this is THE Biebs, after all, so perhaps that is wishful thinking.

Hilary is an audiologist, so she'll probably be able to tell me what decibel level we have reached and whether or not I should be worried about permanent hearing loss.

I will also consider this a cultural experience and take copious mental notes so I can report back to those of you who would never venture into this kind of atmosphere of insanity.

What do you want to know about the Biebs concert experience? I will be your representative. (AND...should I get a t-shirt?)

Beyonce News: The Greatest Week of All Time

 Disclaimer: I know it's Monday and I'm usually not a Monday poster, but I really just could NOT hold it in any longer.

Guys, this has been a monumental week in Beyonce news. I almost can't believe my luck. It's like she knows my duty to report to the people all things Beyonce. It's days like these that really remind us why we do what we do, you know?

So as you probably know, Beyonce announced last week that Destiny's Child is BACK and going to put out an album. In fact, it is already out to preorder. So THIS IS HAPPENING. Not just speculation. If you pre-order it, it will come.

And as if THAT weren't enough, it was also announced that they are performing TOGETHER at the Super Bowl.

So not only do we get Beyonce at the Super Bowl, a decidedly monumental improvement from the last few years' wardrobe malfunctions and bands with singers who can't carry a tune anymore, but we get Destiny's Child.

I just...the world is finally getting on board with being awesome, you know? It's like our endurance through the years of novelty rap songs, Cher and Madonna's comebacks, and Christina's "Dirrrty" phase were all leading up to this one moment when it would all be worth it.

Sigh. Let's just bask in it for a moment.

It's kind of like Beyonce was just like, "Aw, Kanye, you and Kim are having a baby? That's adorable. I did that a year ago and now I'm fulfilling the dreams of an entire generation with a single performance. So, y'know, your move."

And this is all in the wake of Justin Timberlake's triumphant return to music. OH THE HUMANITY. (Which, P.S., you're welcome for that, you guys.)

Only in the case of Beyonce would any event even come close to rivaling that news.

Is 2013 going to be the best year ever? So far, DUH.

See ya 2012. You live in a world in which Justin is still in baseball movies and Beyonce is still a one-woman show. So two-thousand and late.

So IN YO FACE, Mayans. Maybe this is our reward for living past December 21.

If the President had come to my house over the weekend AND I'd gotten to play Just Dance on Kinect with Michelle Obama AND he had created a new position just for me, the Curator of American Pop Culture, AND Tina Fey wanted to go eat froyo with me and be my best friend, this would still be the best news I've heard all week.

I mean, surely they'll do a medley including Survivor, Independent Women, Bootylicious, and Say My Name, right? GAH I can't wait. Seriously y'all better hush during the halftime show this year.

Finally a reason to attend a super bowl party other than just "food" and "good company." Am I right?

What song do you most hope Destiny's Child reprises?

*Coming up on Beyonce News...still keeping an eye out for the documentary (#beyoncedocwatch2013) and of course reporting back on all superbowl halftime show OR Destiny's Child-related news! Stay tuned, sportsfans!

P.S. If anyone would like to create a catchy newsy-sounding sound effect/intro tune for my Beyonce News series (COUGHforfreeCOUGH), PLEASE do.

Vitamin C: A Former Popstar NOT Failing at Life

Until this very moment you may have long forgotten the fiery-haired popstar known by the moniker "Vitamin C" around the turn of the millennium. You may have erased ol' [SPOILER ALERT] Colleen Fitzpatrick from your mind rolodex because she was taking up valuable space you now need to use to keep all the characters on Downton Abbey straight. Well, move over meaner-looking-MacGonagall,* I'm bringing Vitamin back in.

I recently discovered that not only is Vitamin C still in the biz, but she is actually killing it.

This is Vitamin C's game face.

Here are some things Vitamin C has done right:

1) Wrote songs that are impossible to disassociate with everyday life. Seriously. "Put a smile on your face, make the world a better place?" Could there be any more generic lyrics? She teamed this wisdom up with an unequivocally catchy melody, and bam. It has been in my head for days since I googled it. Not to mention it's the perfect commercial song for like, cleaning products or chocolate or really anything except those ASPCA ads.

But her true feat of songwriting has got to be "Graduation (friends forever)." She wrote a song about GRADUATION and managed to get it on the radio. Genius. For the next 10 years that song was sung by 18-year-old girls all across middle America as other 18-year-old girls swayed and cried.

This song is now considered a landmark among graduation-themed songs (according to Wikipedia). Of which there have to be DOZENS, right?

2) Wrote a song for Hannah Montana. I can only imagine the kind of cash that brings in. It was featured not only on the TV show, but the movie as well. [insert cash register noise here] She also wrote a song for Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato to perform on a Disney Channel Original Movie about a princess under cover, which I appreciate.

3) She is currently the VP of music for Nickelodeon. She oversees it all--including Nickelodeon's sister channels--and handles all the A&R and management of Nickelodeon's artists.

I'm just saying, I wouldn't mind being ol' Vitamin right now. Rather than let that novelty song define her, she just sits around being awesome and watches the cash roll in. You go, Vitamin C. You go.

What song was sung at your high school graduation?

*DISCLAIMER: I have only watched the pilot of Downton Abbey.

Product Pitch: Dark Mark Cream for Former Death Eaters

There are infomercials for a myriad of ridiculous products--some for people who can't seem open things without it ending in disaster, some to help people lie about their age, some to take care of pets when their owners don't want to. Recently I saw an ad for one of those blemish-correcting creams (real talk: do those actually work?). It touted the fact that it got rid of unsightly spots and dots and wrinkles, whatever. You know the drill.

But rather than using the term "dark spots," like most commercials do, this particular one chose to use the phrase "dark marks."

Ohhh, random fix-it cream. You have just made this Harry Potter nerd's day. What resulted was the following product of my imagination. So without further ado, I present to you the ad spot I would pitch for this cream if it actually got rid of dark marks:

***

Are you a disgraced Death Eater? Did you align yourself with the face of pure evil against your better judgment, only to find that good really does always triumph, just like your mother warned you?

We know what it's like. You sulk through the cobbled streets of Diagon Alley with your head hung low. You sweat constantly in the summertime because you're forced to wear long sleeves to conceal the tell-tale symbol of your treachery. You long to cast off your robe and feel the breeze cascade over your forearms without risking being stupefied by random passersby (old habits die hard, you know).

Storyboard Frame 1 Draft

Well, we're here to help.

Introducing Dark Mark Cream! Your ticket to assimilating back into society and living out the rest of our days a wizard free from shame.

Storyboard Frame 2 Draft

This magical ointment is no Weasley trickery. Just three applications daily, and in a matter of months your ominous snake tattoo will start to fade--and your poor reputation along with it.

Storyboard Frame 3 Draft

The secret is rare basilisk venom--known for its infamous destruction of He Who Must Not Be Named. Just a drop of the coveted serum in each bottle allows the balm to seep into your skin and ZAP that evil right out.

So stop sweating and start salving. It's time to get your life back.

Storyboard Frame 4 Draft

Dark Mark Cream: Because everyone makes mistakes.

Available wherever shameful antidotes are sold. And probably Borgin and Bourke's.

Oh, The Humanity: Kim and Kanye Make A Kid

This whole baby thing is getting way out of control. I don't know if it's just because I've started paying more attention to celebrities or because my Facebook feed is filled with pregnancies and babies lately, but I mean honestly. Have there always been this many celebrity babies and pregnancies at once? Especially ones that are the products of not just one, but two celebrities? Let's just recap Blue Ivy's contemporaries for a minute: Jessica Simpson's big ol' baby (numbers one and two), The Royal Baby, Snooki's baby...where does it end?

I'll tell you: with Kimye's baby. [Note: I just found out "Kimye" was a thing.]

I mean, it has to end here, right? This has to be it. I don't know how much more of this grand science experiment the American public can take.

The whole celebrity baby mania thing is just one magnificent spectacle of one-upsmanship. "I'll see your Blue Ivy Carter and raise you a Royal Baby. No, y'all, check this out, a baby who is half nonsense-famous shiny diva and half loudmouthed rapper."

I'm starting to think this whole relationship was a sham--that every photo op and self-started rumor was strategically pieced together solely for this purpose.

Before you write it off as an impossible task for seemingly dense individuals such as they, just consider it. I mean come on--how did she go this long without getting pregnant and then just HAPPEN to conceive a child with Kanye freaking West?

Maybe Kim was all, "Heyyyyy Kanye, like, you're hot, and I'm like, hot AND media-savvy, so like, let's date and be controversial and then shock the world by having a baby together k?"

And maybe Kanye was all, "Girl you know I'll do anything for controversy. Especially considering the way my career is going right now. Remember that time I stole the mic from Taylor Swift? That was pretty shocking, right?"

And boom, a few months later--Kimye Baby. I'm not saying it happened exactly like that, I'm just saying there's about a 98 percent chance it totally did. Give or take a "like" or "girl."

Sigh.

Poor Blue Ivy. As if she didn't have enough competition to deal with--times being what they are, you know--royal baby on the way and all that. I feel like little Kimye Baby is going to be the crazy cousin Blue is constantly being embarrassed by in public.

Kimye: "Check it out, y'all! I'm wearing nothing but shutter shades and pull-ups! Take my picture!" Blue Ivy: [EXASPERATED SIGH] [Covers face with tastefully-manicured hand donning dainty designer bracelet] Kanye: [takes pictures of Kimye with his iPhone12, laughing and plastering them all over Twitter with misspelled captions] my baby aint lyk no 1 eles! Beyonce: [Shoots a look at Jay-Z] Jay-Z: [under his breath] Okay, let's get out of here before he notices we're gone. Who do you hope Kimye looks most like: Kanye or Kim? (Hard choice, I know)

The Triumphant Resurgence of the Muppets

If you're not looking for them, you may not have noticed, but there's an ancient tribe of creatures slowly infiltrating back into society. They've been gone for a while. You may have even known them in the past and forgotten about them. But they're still there. If you survey your surroundings, you may catch glimpses of purple felt and wispy hair flash by out of the corner of your eye. You may hear a chorus of tiny voices singing jubilantly and laughing together from a distance. You may even hear a banjo and a froggy serenade.

Who are these creatures?

They're The Muppets, and they're making a comeback.

While they've never completely disappeared, they have been under the radar for years. Fraggle Rock was but a memory of 80's children everywhere. Kermit's star on the hollywood walk of fame was lonely, and there was nary a puppet to be seen on television, movies or even web series.

That all changed over the last few years thanks in large part to one man's quest to bring the gang back into the spotlight. Jason Segel used his beloved funny-man status to revive the franchise on the big screen, using their post-glory-days status as part of the storyline itself and winning over a new generation of muppet-lovers.

Alongside their premiere in tinsel town came appearances all over TV, the Internet and music. They even had awkward interactions with Maynard and One F on the Bachelorette.

The Fraggles made a music video with Ben Folds, courtesy of Chris Hardwick, which also starred Anna Kendrick.

Neil Patrick Harris has started a muppet (though not the originals)-themed web series called "Neil's Puppet Dreams," in which the fictional Neil has a condition in which he dreams in puppet. [warning: not the kid-friendly muppets of yore]

Ceelo Green features the muppets in a song on his Christmas album, in which they sing the legendary "manamanah" song in the background. (Don't act like that song has any other name.) Also I literally JUST discovered that music video and it is bringing me much joy, especially hearing Kermit say "Hotlanta" and the fact that Craig Robinson is in it.

The Muppets are back, you guys.

People who grew up with them are gaining power in the media circuit and making this happen. Did you know Neil Patrick Harris has a puppet workshop in his garage? Because he does, and he's not ashamed.

Where did this sudden Muppet pride come from? Is it the power of youtube? Is it 2/5 of the cast of How I Met Your Mother? Is it Ceelo's uncanny resemblance to a Muppet himself?

I can't be sure.

But one thing is for certain: puppets are cool again. ["Cool" in this instance is a relative term.]

Who's your favorite Muppet? Mine's a toss-up between Fozzie and the old heckler guys.

What Instagram Can Do With Swiss Miss

It's hard to believe there was once a time when we might have felt like losers for taking a night in rather than going out. Yes, we'd sit on the couch with our beverage of choice, cue up the DVR, lounge in our comfy pants and sigh, "I bet other people are doing things more interesting than I am." But not anymore.

Now, we have Twitter and Instagram. Now we can make any otherwise insignificant activity seem like an event in and of itself.

An average night at home can turn into a Christmassy wonderland in just a few moments with the addition of some instant Swiss Miss hot chocolate, a DVD of Elf and the "Rise" filter.

Things like reading, cooking dinner or writing thank-you notes may seem mundane, but simply documenting our activities can make them into A Thing when previously they were perhaps not so special.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Exhibit A:

"Spending the evening writing thank-you notes with a glass of wine while Mariah serenades me! #thisisthelife"

Exhibit B:

"Relaxing night reading my favorite book with my favorite people! [insert Instagram photo of a book page and family in the background]"

I myself have taken part in this numerous times, and I submit that this is actually a positive thing. It's optimistic. Suddenly "man, I have to write thank-you notes" or "man, I have nothing to do tonight" turns into a little space you've created and added comforts to to make your night feel special.

But of course, it doesn't count unless no one sees it, so we have to arrange the coffee cup or the wine glass next to the DVD with the Christmas tree in the background so that others can get the full effect and be totes jeal. [Yep, I said totes jeal. Probably erased any inclination you had whatsoever to be totes jeal of me in any capacity due to my lack of coolness.]

And let's face it, the likes and comments don't hurt. If someone else says your night is interesting, then it is. Y'know? It's irrefutable. It's in writing, on the Internet.

I'm not saying I'm proud of it, but I have definitely assembled inanimate objects to represent an experience a time or two. But…I just really like Instagram, you guys. It's fun. And I'm not against things that are fun.

Have you ever used Twitter or Instagram to make your otherwise-average experience A Thing?

Speculations on Beyonce's $50 Mil Pepsi Deal

I've decided that since I talk so much about Beyonce on this here blog of mine as it is, it's high time I just embrace it and make it a thing. So without further ado, I present to you...

Your source for day-old headlines and unsolicited commentary about the world's greatest entertainer SLASH user-of-on-stage-wind-machines.

(These articles now fall into that category, whether she is the main subject or just a reference: Letter to Babyonce,  Botonists Name Fern After Lady Gaga, Um...who is casting The Talk? )

Today in Beyonce News, you may have heard that she has signed a $50 million deal with Pepsi, which is being touted as "MORE than just an endorsement" because they're going to fund her creative projects or something.

Though I'm not sure how that's entirely different, because I'm almost certain if they paid her $50 million just to be on their billboards and do a TV spot or two, the money would still be used to fund her creative endeavors (and pay for babyonce's ivy league education or…y'know…freelance spacepod decorator business. Whatever rich heirs do in 2032.)

Putting aside the fact that Beyonce probably hasn't drunk soda in over a decade, she has to know that Coke and all its subsidiaries are irrefutably, inherently better than Pepsi and its counterparts.

She's from Texas, dang it. In this case, I consider that the South, and southerners should know such things.

So admittedly I'm a little disappointed in her. But I'm willing to overlook this momentary (50-million-dollar) lapse in judgment in the hopes that something good comes of it.

This probably would have excited me:

But then I remembered I drink Diet Coke exclusively. Seriously, if a fast food restaurant has Pepsi, it's a dealbreaker for me. We will drive to the next Chic-fil-A or Burger King. (Lookin' at you, Arby's.)

So alas, I will not be able to take part in these delightful Beyonce cans.

The article does say that she will be involved creatively, so who knows what could happen next.

A short film loosely based on the inner turmoil of Destiny's Child (with not-so-subtle Pepsi logos plastered across buildings in the background)?

A vending machine where you have to learn a Beyonce dance move and perform it in order for your drink to dispense? (That one could use Kinect technology and be a triple-cross-promotion. I'm a marketing genius, you guys.)

A Pepsi-sponsored trip to Nashville for Beyonce and family where they show up at my house and we become best friends? What? I don't know. It could happen. I'm giving Pepsi lots of free publicity here, against my better judgment. (Long live Diet Coke.)

Coming up this season on... Beyonce News: The HBO documentary. Guys, this is going to be awesome. Stay tuned for updates on #beyoncedocwatch2012.

Oh, AND the Superbowl performance. GET EXCITED.

She makes it super easy to have an amateur news segment about.

Would you buy a Pepsi can with Beyonce's face on it? Why or why not?

The Tale of the Royal Baby (And Some Unsolicited Parenting Advice)

Once upon a time, there was a fair maiden named Kate.

She had flowing brown locks, and her figure-flattering yet classy clothing was the talk of the nation. The townspeople spoke in hushed whispers, "where dost she get such fine frocks?" then immediately rushed in droves to Ye Olde Fancypants Shoppe to buy the exact same dress.

Now this beautiful maiden was betrothed to a very British-looking prince named William. Though he had a bald spot fare and a more handsome younger brother, the maiden still deemed him worthy of her hand in marriage and the opportunity to be a royal.

So the two held a ceremony the likes of which had never been seen.

Though most only knew the groom's first name to be "Prince" and last to be "William," peasants across the pond even huddled over computer screens and televisions in the dead of night to watch the fair maiden glide down the aisle past Sir Elton John and to see what kind of cockamamy hats her guests were donning.

After the hoopla cleared and the bride and groom made their global rounds having beers with commoners and kissing babies and whatnot, the couple settled in their castle and sat on thrones all day and ate crumpits and did Zumba or something. (This author has no idea what royalty do day-to-day in 2012.)

Life went on as usual for months, though not without the occasional embarrassment to the monarchy via the irresponsible more handsome brother and inability of the duchess to wear a swimsuit whilst outside. And all the while the townspeople speculated as to when there would be a tiny prince or princess to make feel weird and turn into a former child star with unresolved issues.

Until one day in December, the sun broke through the clouds and young Kate and William strode to the royal balcony to make an important announcement:* they are with child!

Oh, happy day! How the celebrity gossip magazines and moms everywhere rejoiced! How the American beauties snickered at the thought of dear Kate packing on a few!

And here this author would like to shift the focus to the parents-to-be and the small monarch growing inside our heroine's uterus.

Dearest William and Kate, the time has come. Congratulations! I have but a few tips for your highnesses, and I pray you heed them well.

Though we may seem excited now, don't count on the support of the American people for the entirety of your offspring's childhood. You may not have noticed, but we have the attention span of a butterfly, and we will care for about 2.5 seconds after he or she is born, then go back to trying to force fame on Babyonce.

But don't worry, as our only real-live monarchs to look towards amid a sea of skinny cartoon princesses, you will always have a special place in our hearts. Especially considering the current popularity of Downton Abbey.

My second piece of advice is to keep your windows latched.

It's textbook fairytale. The doting parents say goodnight to their sweet new regal daughter, tuck her in her jewel-encrusted bassinet, tap Uncle Sir Elton on the shoulder to sing her a lullaby, and go off to bed.

Hours later when the castle is quiet, a jealous witch and/or sister climbs through the window, snatches the baby out of the crib and bounds down the turrets, never to be seen again (until 18 years later when the daughter is reunited with her parents).

Now, I'm not trying to make assumptions here, but have you seen Pippa? She's beautiful and she totally stole the show at your wedding, Kate. I wouldn't put it past her to be a snatcher. What do we REALLY know about her? I'm asking.

Is it just me or are those eyes hiding something?

My final piece of advice is to bring your child out into public in moderation only--about twice a month--so that the world doesn't get anxious and we know he or she is still alive, but please don't cover up the kid's face in an attempt to hide them from the paparrazzi. It just makes you look like a crazy person. It didn't work for Prince Michael and it won't work for Prince William Junior.

Also if it's a girl please dress her in tweed jackets and mary janes and cute hats. You're royalty, dang it. And Suri Cruise is watching you.

Love, Your Royal Subject (JK JK I'm American now, sucka.)

*Or maybe Perez Hilton broke the news on his blog. But that's not very regal.

Chris Brown and Rihanna's Instagram Crazy Parade

Apparently Chris Brown and Rihanna are causing QUITE the stir via Instagram lately. And as everyone knows, an Instagram is worth 1,000 words. Or at least a few misguided assumptions. Or beat poetry. As if Chris Brown wasn't the worst already (rivaled only by America's favorite trainwreck Lindsay Lohan), this is his latest escapade:

First, he lands himself in a Twitter feud (something I'm still only 1 percent convinced is a legitimate term) with some comedian lady and is just SO offended by the whole thing that he straight up quits Twitter altogether.

He then makes his return to social media with A VENGEANCE.

How, you ask? By posting controversial pictures of him and Rihanna on Instagram…together.

SCANDAL. INTRIGUE. ICK-FACTOR.

Everything a good publicity stunt needs.

In case you might feel uncomfortable seeing Rihanna wearing underwear paired with an oversized camo jacket while Chris Brown smokes nonchalantly in the foreground, I present you with an artist rendering of the most recent photo (by yours truly):

The "we don't care what nunna y'all think!" look on their faces says it all, doesn't it?

Click here to see the actual photo. 

(Full disclosure, if it provides any context for you, I watch Disney movies almost exclusively and the actual image didn't scar me for life. So you can probably handle it. But this is a family blog, right? Can't take any chances.)

I want to know who is TAKING these pictures. These are no myspace mirror shots, my friend. These are full-frame, planned, two-person shots with nary an arm jetting out of the frame in sight.

First of all, gross.

Second of all, would that not be the most awkward experience on the planet?

"Um, yeah, so just…look seductively at the iPhone…yup, that's fine I guess…and Chris, well, just…yep, that's douchey enough. Just keep doin' what you're doin'. Hold that pose…"

My hope is that this is all just performance art and everything that has happened with these two since approximately 2008 has all been a joke. All part of the master plan.

I don't think Chris is capable of that kind of strategic thinking, but Rihanna has to know what she's doing, right? Why else would she be putting up with this nonsense?

I think we've waited a respectable amount of time before sending in the professionals, but it's time to get Oprah in there and talk some sense into these yahoos. You know she's got opinions, right? Let her loose.

If she's busy, call Ellen. She always asks the hard questions. Maybe they'd all dance together to Crazy In Love and have a moment of clarity about where their lives are headed. Maybe they'd play a game where they had to carry balloons between their chin and their chest. I don't know; I'm not the expert mediator slash child-star-maker here. I can't do all the work.

Oh, and by the way, in the name of closure, Chris has restored his Twitter account. Which makes the hiatus about 36 seconds long. So if you were upset that you might not ever get the chance to feud with him publicly in 140-character-long arguments, never fear. That hope has been renewed.

If you could tell Rihanna (or Chris Brown) anything in light of this situation, what would it be? Who do you think would make a better mediator: Oprah or Ellen?

The Mystery and Audacity of the Advertising Truck

It weaves through rush hour traffic, blinding anyone in its path. It's a moving distraction, catching drivers' eyes in their peripheral vision and stealing their focus. It markets to you against your will. No one knows what's inside it.What is this mysterious vehicle, you ask?

The advertising truck.

As if we weren't advertised to enough on a daily basis, the advertising truck forces itself upon you simply by existing in your space. It tries to act all nonchalant, like, "don't mind me, I'm just a truck…going places and doing things like trucks do…" but it couldn't be more obnoxious.

I'm personally offended when I'm just trying to drive home from work and this scrolling neon sign is glaring at me directly in front of my face.

And let me just add that this obnoxiousness increases by approximately 65 percent when it starts getting dark at 4:30 p.m. By the time I'm driving home from work, this beacon of capitalism's stark contrast to the surrounding blackness is dangerous at best.

Seriously, it was all I could do not to slip into a trance in its lime green glow instead of focusing on the road in front of me while I passed it in the other lane.

But the thing I hate the most about these advertising trucks is--I have no idea what their function is. I mean, what are they carrying? And to where?

Are they actually going anywhere at all? Or are they just driving around aimlessly so that people see the ads?

I've spent a good portion of my life pondering these questions and have come up short every time. I can't find any language on the truck itself that indicates what the truck does other than show people blindingly bright (and scrolling, I might add) advertisements while they're trying to safely transport themselves to the grocery store and back.

I even caught a glimpse behind the scrolly-vinyl-ad-paper-stuff when I was sitting next to one at a red light the other day, but saw nothing. Just nondescript white nothingness. I tried to investigate further, but that was when I realized I was no longer watching the road and that these things are definitely a menace to society.

I mean, I get it. We live in the good ol' U.S. of A., and we get advertised to. A LOT. Behind the window in which I'm writing this post, I am staring at three different ads on CNN's site. All of them are orange.

But come on. Do these trucks seriously only serve to advertise? That seems like a serious waste of space. I feel like if the rest of the world knew about these trucks, we'd be toast. I'm an American (now), and even I think that's excessive.

Have you ever seen these trucks? Do you know if they DO anything?

Tumblrs Becoming Books, or "What I'm Doing Wrong"

You guys, I need to draw your attention to something.

I don't know when book publishers started valuing the short-lived success of Internet memes enough to pour hard-earned cash into publishing a book based on an unknown 20-something's Tumblr blog, but it is HAPPENING.

And I want in.

Suri's Burn Book (which I adore) recently became an actual book, and I also just discovered Feminist Ryan Gosling has become a real live printed book.

At least Suri's Burn Book requires chapters and sentences and syntax. Feminist Ryan Gosling is literally just "hey girl, [insert a phrase that incorporates a feminist theory and makes women feel good]" on top of a picture of Ryan Gosling. And the powers that be made it into a BOOK.

Real talk: HOW do I get on this train?

I like Ryan Gosling as much as the next girl. I consider myself somewhat of a pop-culture connoisseur. Why can't my book be the next ironic coffee table book you give to your best friend for Christmas, y'know?

I would also like to know how this author is getting around intellectual property rights at this point when she is assumably traipsing around the Internet stealing random photos of Ryan Gosling and writing on top of them. I don't know her personally, but I'm about 99.9 percent certain she's not BFF's with ol' RyGos, taking her own portraits of him on their frequent outings together. How is she accomplishing this? I'm asking. I want to know what she knows.

I'm sure the photos in the book were approved and paid for appropriately, but at this level of notoriety, is no one coming after her for the blog? Maybe Ryan Gosling just doesn't care. That'd be so Ryan Gosling of him.

Exasperated Agent Guy: "Ryan, this girl is using and benefitting from your likeness in her own professional endeavors." Ryan Gosling: "Whatevs, I'm no stick in the mud, I'm going to go wear suspenders and read Tolstoy or something." Exasperated Agent Guy: [HEAVY SIGH]

For what (preferably laid-back and/or not-Internet-savvy) celebrity can I imagine a personality and develop a wildly successful blog around that turns into wildly successful picture book?

It's time to put away those lofty dreams of affecting hearts and minds with the written word. This sounds like more fun.

Just think of it: young professionals with expendable income and an appreciation for pop culture references will pour over the pages, laughing and saying things like "Oh that Laura McClellan, she slays me" or "I have to show this to Piper. He or she will get a total kick out of this." (That's what hip kind of people will be reading it. People named Piper.)

I mean, at what point in society will I be able to make a living by running my unsolicited commentary about celebrities? Is that asking too much? Does Perez Hilton corner the market on that one? Because I'm not about to go toe to toe with that guy. I think I'd go zero to crying mess in about 4 seconds. (I don't like confrontation and I don't let sass roll off me very well. I can dish it out, but I can't take it, ok?)

I think I'm going off the rails, here.

All that to say, I think I have a new life-goal. Catch me in a clearance bin at a Barnes and Noble near you in about 18 months.*

Who should be my celebrity target for this new endeavor? I'm open to suggestion.

*Let it be known that I would consider it a privilege and an honor to even have a book at all, let alone for it to be thrown in a bin in a real live bookstore alongside legitimate authors.

James Franco's Latest Weird Thing (And What Ron Swanson Should Do About It)

Are we not done with James Franco yet?

I mean, whatever, he was fine in Spiderman and probably was okay in that 128 Hours movie that I refused to see because I am overly sensitive to gross and/or violent things, but come on.

He does 8 million things at a time which only serves to solidify his identity as a jack of all trades, master of none. Is anyone really like, "yeah man, I really just love James Franco. He's totally an artist on screen"? No.

Does he just keep churning out nonsense day after day because he knows it's not working and just can't bare to stop for five minutes and channel all his efforts into one thing that would actually be worthwhile? Not exactly the best approach, there, James.

In the words of Ron Swanson, "Don't half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing."*

Come to think of it, James could use a swift kick in the pants from Ron Swanson. As could most people in hollywood. But I digress.

Most recently I have discovered his disturbing teddy bear "art," which was terrible enough on its own, but this week I unfortunately ALSO stumbled upon a music video he directed for R.E.M. starring...wait for it...Lindsay Lohan.

UGH.

Doesn't it just make you want to punch him in the face?

He really is the worst. I think he has become the James Franco of 30 Rock. At least he has in my head. You don't know he doesn't have a Japanese body pillow girlfriend, ok?

To save you some time, the video is basically a trippy five minutes filled with overlaid shots of the seedy underbelly of L.A. and Lindsey Lohan does what she does best, poses provocatively while someone takes pictures of her. Also she wears hipster glasses for about 3.5 seconds and then (for once) comes to her senses and takes them off. James Franco looks all artsy with old-timey cameras and takes some polaroids. End scene.

Combined with the song, it's equal parts annoying and depressing.

Can't you just picture Lindsay and James just sitting there in director's chairs smoking something unmentionable and watching the final cut on a monitor, nodding to each other and pontificating about how this video is totally a reflection on society and how everyone should just really quit judging everyone because we don't know their lives, you know?

Double ugh.

And really, R.E.M.? Is the mid-size club scene most 90's alt bands are playing nowadays just so unbearable that you had to align yourselves with this nonsense? I believed in you. As I do nearly all 90's alt bands. And you let me down. Don't make me say it, okay? Don't make me say it.

Fine, you've left me no choice. It's the end of the world as we know it.

Can we just give James the ol' hook and drag him off the proverbial stage already? Just send Ron in after him. Like anyone would even be mad.

Ron Swanson: "Alright son, that's enough out of you." James Franco: "But..I just have one more act where I set a dollhouse on fire and perform on aerial silks and call it performance art and then I release the whole thing as an interactive documentary!" Ron Swanson: "Exactly."

You know what? I propose we send Ron Swanson in whenever any celebrity becomes a particular nuisance to society.

Who do you think Ron should go after next?

*By the way, this exists on a cross-stitch hoop and I want it...nudge, nudge, people who want to get me a Christmas gift...

UPDATE: Ron Swanson has HEEDED my request. See evidence below:

He really is the greatest.

Demi Lovato's Insubordinate Eyebrows

I know what you're thinking. ANOTHER story about eyebrows? I mean, we can't get away from them, right? Can't we just focus on what really matters, like wars and elections and (apparently) Lindsay Lohan? Well, I'm sorry to inundate you with more eyebrow news, but this is hard-hitting analysis, here.

Demi Lovato's eyebrows have GONE ROGUE, you guys. First they're thin, then they're "full," then they're thin again, then BAM it's like Ron Swanson's mustache cloned itself and jumped onto her face.

Buzzfeed has been so kind as to aggregate all the eyebrows and compare them for us here.

Note: there are SEVERAL more gifs on the Buzzfeed article. I implore you to take a minute to view them, then come back to my post.

I just don't understand. I have so many questions.

1) How do you…replace that much eyebrow hair so quickly? Are there special eyebrow-enhancing devices? If so, are they sold exclusively in SkyMall? And who is their demographic? Is Demi now being sought as their spokesperson? Or did some poor intern-slave at the X factor have to pick up all the plucked hairs from the week before off of the floor and carefully glue them back on her face?

2) Is eyebrow style a thing now? Like, you can change it on a whim, then change it back without raising any…wait for it…eyebrows? Did Lady Gaga not know about this? Or did she just skip a few steps and shave hers off altogether? All of a sudden I can't remember if Lady Gaga has eyebrows...

3) Who is in charge of Demi's eyebrows, and why is this person so indecisive? Commit, already, eyebrow lady (or man. Not here to judge). We need to know if they're going to be old-lady-painted-on-thin or full-on-hair-monster so we as a society can judge this girl appropriately.

4) I like that someone at Buzzfeed sat around and examined Demi's eyebrows enough to compile this series of images detailing their fluctuating size. How do I get a job at that place?

5) Did she increase her eyebrow size because the people performing on stage couldn't see them well enough and therefore were unsure of her reaction to their performance? Maybe it's all about the kids, you guys. Maybe she's enduring these muppet eyebrows for the greater good. Maybe we should give her a medal of honor for it and crown her the queen of eyebrows. I don't know. I don't think this has ever been done before, so just go with it.

Has anyone ever written this many words about eyebrows? They're strips of hair above our eyes that convey emotion. Wow. Eyebrows are pretty amazing if you think about it. Let's all just reflect on the significance of eyebrows for a minute.

Which eyebrows are your favorite eyebrows? I like the "full" ones. Not to be confused with "thick" or "I think there are caterpillars on your face!"

Not-so-obvious Ramifications of the Bieber/Gomez Split

Editor's note: After tweeting a cathartic complaint about a lack of things to write about for today's post, I received three separate suggestions to write about the recent Bieber/Gomez trip to Splitsville, USA. So I thought to myself, three people can't be wrong. So this is what I wrote about. What can I say? I give the people what they want. It's probably no secret that I adore both Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber as individuals. At least with the Biebs. Selena you may be a little surprised by, since I talk about her about 67 percent less than I talk about Justin Bieber on my blog. But really, I talk about most things 67 percent less than I talk about Justin Bieber on my blog. So maybe you are not so surprised. Moving on.

Though I wasn't super invested in their relationship, I'm bummed they couldn't make it work.

Not so much for Selena's sake. She'll bounce back and date some sophisticated actor or something because she's classy and enjoyable and now 20 years old. (Spoiler Alert: I want to be her friend.)

But ol' Biebs, I'm worried for him. He was in a long-term relationship with a girl who is awesome and scandal-free (as of the time this post was written). People reports they've been together since February 2011, and that's just the "official" beginning. They were supposedly dating "quietly" before then.

That's almost two years, you guys. In teenage years, that's like a 27-year relationship. In teenage celebrity years you might as well be that couple from Up.

I just don't know if he's ready for the responsibility of turning down mean-looking models who are only famous because they date real celebrities just yet.

I mean, there's no telling what kind of menagerie of scantily-clad jokers are going to parade themselves before him.

I don't think his trusting 18-year-old heart is going to be an asset in this situation. Next thing you know we're seeing him bounce from iffy pop star to iffy pop star, spiraling downward into a sea of tabloids. And I just don't want that for him. And I don't want his sweet grandparents who helped raise him to have to live to see that kind of nonsense from their grandson.*

The other terrifying principle in this scenario is that rumbling in the distance you're hearing--the sound of a herd of rabid teenage girls barreling towards that hoodie-wearing crooner like it's 1996 and they're a mom looking for the last Tickle Me Elmo on Christmas Eve. (That stuff got real, right?)

It was bad enough when Selena was in the picture--that sweet girl having to endure threats from obsessed, insecure 14-year-olds who in reality could do nothing but sit behind a screen and type bad words underneath YouTube videos. But now all bets are off. It's like the Hunger Games only Justin is the getting-to-not-die and instead of weapons they're using cyber bullying tactics.

I'm just saying, Kenny better be on his A-game.**

Are you worried for the Biebs' safety? Who do you think he should date next?

*For reference, please see Never Say Never. Really. Go watch it right now. You can borrow it from me, because I own it. **Yes, I know his bodyguard's name, too, okay? Did you really not see Never Say Never?